W.....T......F

/rant on

so I get a myspace msg from my maid of honor today (b/c for some reason she cant call me to tell me this) is that now, 13 days before the wedding, she is going to hold off paying off her bridesmaid dress in an attempt to find one for a better price / fits her style.

My immediate line of thought? OMG WTF.

Lets back up.  I have two bridesmaids: my british fiance's sister and my best friend.  obviously, it would be quite hard to get uniform dresses, so i announced a color and the dress was completely up to them.  A month ago, I start getting nervous because Britt (my maid of honor) hadnt gone looking for a dress.  She is on the other side of the freakin' state at college... I finally get her in town for an evening to go shopping.  We go to one place, because I asked her ten times if she liked the dress she found, and if she didnt we could go to as many places as it took for her to find one she liked b/c Im pretty lax about the whole thing.  she said she did and put it on layaway (130 bucks). 

3 weeks before ceremony: Im asking on the daily if she's paid off the dress ,which she hasnt.  she tells me that she will need me to pick the dress up b/c she wont be able to make it into town before the wedding. Which, Im fine with. I told her she could pay over the phone and I'd go get it after they press it. 

13 days before the ceremony:  she tells me this bullsh!t.   She was saying that 130 is two weeks of pay at her job and wants to find something cheaper and a bit more her style, and doesnt want to pay that much for a dress she doesn't like that much (cue vein exploding in my head).  First off, she works 15 hours a week at a minimum wage job b/c she wont look for a better job (at my suggestion) and thinks that 15 hours is more than enough to do while in college (aka will interfere with partying).  Which is easily enough to do when mummy and daddy pay for everything from tuition right down the the gas in your car. 

But back on topic. I dont know what to do.  The dress shop presses the dress but only after its paid off, if she picks it up the day BEFORE THE CEREMONY there wont be time to press it.   I refuse to pay for it for her, I have enough on my plate and enough expenses (can anyone say,  visa fee?) in my future.   She has always done this, she lessens her involvement to a minimum right before she pulls out altogether.  Granted, i don't think she would abandon my wedding, but I cant very well go to one of my other good friends and ask them to take over the duty... there is no time to find a dress not to mention its completely tactless to be like "hey, i know you werent my first choice but now that Im completely screwed, will you help me?"    Not once has she sat down with me and helped with planning or organizing anything with this wedding, not once has she called to ask if she can help with anything even tho she is 3 hours away and its still the thought that counts.  Once upon a time we were best friends but I guess I was to f*cking stupid to open my eyes long enough to see that she was a different person since going off to college and no longer kept much contact with me, despite the years and years of close friendship prior. 

What I want to do is respond to her that if she doesnt want apart of this she should just say so and save me the trouble of having trouble breathing over the stress she keeps causing me.  My fiance says I shouldnt, but his que sera sera advice isnt helping either.

so if anyone else has a life saving suggestion, I'd build a shrine in your honor for telling me. 

/rant off

Nicky

Could you pay half of the dress? I know it might not be the best suggestion but if it is a case of time and she is not willing or able to pay for the dress herslf maybe she could do half.

I think it is a simple case of her not having the money for the dress. I think you pretty much have two choices: 1- just leave things alone and hope for the best, maybe she will find a dress to borrow or come up with the money- if not accept that you will be down a bridesmaid which isn't the end of the world 2- help pay for the dress.
I know this is the last thing you need at this point, but I really don't see any other choices.

I agree with Mint and HG- it sounds like for whatever reason she just doesn't have the money, and it sounds like she may not get the money together in time.  That may be her fault with not budgeting sufficiently or whatever, but what's done is done now.  So you can either forget about the dress and get another cheaper one, or if it means so much to you, help pay for it. 

To be honest, $130 is a lot of money when you're in college working a part time job, even if your parents help you out with expenses.  And 15 hours a week is *more* than enough hours to be working when you're a full-time student, (even if she's a partier, working more hours isn't going to help with her uni work either) so I can see that side of it as well. It sounds like she got in over her head with agreeing to get this expensive dress that she doesn't really like that much and it's catching up with her.

It has always been my opinion that if a bride really wants control over what the bridesmaids wear, she should be prepared to pay for the attire herself.  I know that's not the custom in the US, but to be honest I don't really agree with the custom in the US. Anyway, I'm not saying you have to pay for it, but if you don't just be prepared for her to be wearing another dress.  And at the end of the day, it won't matter one iota what she ended up wearing because you'll be married!

I hate to say this, but I'm getting a bit of Bridezilla vibe from your post.     You can't tell your friend to get a better job and you can't be annoyed that she wants to wear a dress that she likes.  If you wanted to avoid this stress you could've picked out specific dresses and paid for them instead of giving them free reign on choice and payment.

Granted, waiting two weeks before the wedding is a problem, but hey, it's her problem.  She'll either have a dress or she won't.  If she gets the dress, great.  If she doesn't, she's sitting with the rest of the guests.  In the long run, it doesn't matter.  What really matters is that you'll be married at the end of the day.

I have to agree with the others. If you want things done on your terms you're going to have to pay for it ... that goes for anything in life, not just bridesmaid dresses.  At my first wedding, I only had one bridesmaid but I paid for her dress and I let her choose it herself (told her the budget & colour) because I hoped she would wear it again, and she has.

I had a similiar experience with my maid of honor.  A month before the wedding she decides to send me an email saying she has thought it over and doesn't think she would be able to make it due to all the expenses.  (I was living in Iowa and she was from Georgia). She kept going on about gas, hotel, food, snacks,etc and that all that added up. So she ended up saying she wasn't coming.  Had she gotten a hold of me sooner I would have been able to tell her hotel was covered, food was covered.  They just needed to get their butts up there!  This caused a massive row and we didn't speak for 4 years.  But I did have to find another maid of honor.  I ended up calling my friend in Delaware and asked her. I never told her I had asked anyone else because I wanted her to feel special about it.  She didn't need to know all the specifics.  (BTW my wedding was planned in just a few months so details weren't all pinned out).  I told her what color and to have a look around for something. I didn't care what kind of dress she had as long as it was a solid color.  She then came back to me saying everything she was finding just didn't seem right. So I went down to a rather well-to-do consignment shop found a perfect one for £20 and fed ex'd to her.  If she didn't like it, no big deal it was only 20 bucks. She loved it, had it altered to her needs and the problem was solved.

I don't think there is anything wrong with finding someone else to fill the role if you feel that's what you might need to do.  All you have to do is say that due to unforeseen circumstances x won't be able to do it.  Would you mind stepping in?  More often than not people are honored just to be asked.

Have you thought about looking at some consignment shops?  Sometimes you can find some ex-prom dresses or bridesmaid dresses in there.

I hate to say it, but I agree with most of the others, too. It looks as if you'll have to pay for it (or for part of it).

But here's an idea. She's the maid of honour, right? So she doesn't necessarily have to look like the bridesmaids, right? Can't she wear something in a complementary colour that she already owns?

I hate to say it, but I agree with most of the others, too. It looks as if you'll have to pay for it (or for part of it).

But here's an idea. She's the maid of honour, right? So she doesn't necessarily have to look like the bridesmaids, right? Can't she wear something in a complementary colour that she already owns?

Yup, I agree.  The moh usually gets to look a little different.  Maybe she has a dress she can wear?

Leaving it go so long before she told you is irresponsible though.  Sorry.

This is why I'm so happy I eloped.     Doesn't help you though.  Deep breath.  Will be over soon.

Yup, I agree.  The moh usually gets to look a little different.  Maybe she has a dress she can wear?

Leaving it go so long before she told you is irresponsible though.  Sorry.

This is why I'm so happy I eloped.     Doesn't help you though.  Deep breath.  Will be over soon.

Actually, considering the reaction she got, I'm not surprised at all that she waited so long - she's probably been gathering up the courage to say something for a while.

$130 is a lot of money for a dress.

I'm with springhaze in that the UK tradition of paying for my bridal party's clothes certainly simplified things. 

Hey, it's your wedding and if you want her to wear something special, you should pay for it.  Full stop.  I never quite understood why the bridesmaids had to pay for their dresses.  I know if I was a student, I wouldn't have been able to afford 130.00 for a dress. 

Hey, it's your wedding and if you want her to wear something special, you should pay for it.  Full stop.  I never quite understood why the bridesmaids had to pay for their dresses.  I know if I was a student, I wouldn't have been able to afford 130.00 for a dress. 

I agree! Most students live off of Ramen noodles because money is so tight. $130 for a dress she will probably only wear the one time is an awful lot to ask I'm afraid. I think the issue of her waiting to the last minute is what has you irked the most and I don't blame you there however she probably thought she could come up with the money by now.
 Maybe you can hire something for her for the day? Do they have bridal hire shops in the US like they have hire tux shops?

I think if you want to try and 'save' your friendship or salvage what might be in your opinion a failing one,  you will want to deal with this carefully.  Being angry with her won't be good for your mental health, so close to the wedding, or your friendship.

If you value the friendship, then you'll find a way to compromise and work it out.  Regardless of her job situation or if her parents pay for her expenses...it seems like the message she's trying to get to you is that she can't afford the dress.

Try and keep cool, as others said, at the end of the day what her dress looks like will be the least of everyone's concerns.   You are the bride and the center of attention--never mind all this small stuff YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!  Try and keep focused on the important stuff--you and your future husband!  

I hate to say it, but you may have to buck up and pay for the dress. Either that, or this weekend find out how much money she has and say you'll match it, then go out on a power shopping trip. Go to nearby towns if you have to, but maybe if you go in halfway, she'll be over it.

Honestly I think she should have turned you down for the maid of honor position if she had some inkling that she wouldn't have the money for it. Part of the responsibility of being a bride's maid is paying for your dress (unless otherwise informed). My sister was in a wedding where she had to pay $350 for an ugly bubblegum pink taffeta tea length monstrosity, but she knew in advance how much it would cost and how ugly the dress was, but decided she could afford to pay for it and wanted to support her best friend. My sister isn't a college student though, and I know right at this moment I'd be strapped to find an extra $130 laying around. Although my best friend did give us a year and a half to save the $130 for her bride's maid dresses, so if she had time to save, that really sucks

Just be careful. As others have said, emotions are running high right now. If you were in a more calm mindset (and who really can be right before their wedding, so I don't blame you at all), you'd realize you didn't want to ruin a friendship over something like $130.

Out of curiosity, what are your wedding colors?

I have to agree with everyone else as well.  I would suggest going in half-sies with your friend on the dress.  She is your best friend and it's not worth losing her.

My sister was in a wedding where she had to pay $350 for an ugly bubblegum pink taffeta tea length monstrosity, but she knew in advance how much it would cost and how ugly the dress was, but decided she could afford to pay for it and wanted to support her best friend.

Your sister is a saint, Becky.  I hope she was able to possibly make something new out of the dress that she could then wear.