W.....T......F

Is it usual in the US for the bridesmaid to pay for her own dress?  Every wedding I can think of that i've been to here it's paid for her, the logic being I guess that if you dictate what people are going to be wearing, you pick and pay for it. 

You'll probably just have to pay for it in the end I think.  I guess that's a lot of money for a student and no doubt it's not worth losing a friend over.  Maybe she could pay you back in the future.

Is it usual in the US for the bridesmaid to pay for her own dress?  Every wedding I can think of that i've been to here it's paid for her, the logic being I guess that if you dictate what people are going to be wearing, you pick and pay for it. 

You'll probably just have to pay for it in the end I think.  I guess that's a lot of money for a student and no doubt it's not worth losing a friend over.  Maybe she could pay you back in the future.

Yes that is generally the norm, although some have said that they have paid for their bridesmaids' dresses in the US. 

I got to disagree with what a lot of people are telling you here. This person isn't a good friend, you'd noted her true colors before and were trying to ignore it or hope she wasn't always like that, and it turns out she is. People that are unreliable are people you don't need in your life, 'cause it ends up causing you a lot more stress and problems than someone who is willing to tell you up front that they can't do something, rather than the person who says they will and then leaves you hanging. And people who do that sort of thing tend to do it repeatedly.

It's not unheard of at all for the bride to pay for dresses for people in her party IF you offered that up front. If she agreed to be in the wedding knowing she would be paying for the dress, then you don't have an obligation to pay. She could've told you she couldn't afford it, or she could've kept looking for a different dress. Personally, if this were someone I really wanted in my wedding, I would offer to pay for part of the dress. But it sounds like you're not so sure this chick is worth it, or if you can even count on her to show up perhaps?

It may be time to lay it on the line and say you need to know that she's squared away -- you could tell her to either get the dress now or let you know that she won't be part of the wedding. She'll probably get indignant and you may lose a friend. And it may be one not worth keeping. Unfortunately, I think everyone has had friends that seem great until you have to count on them for something. Then you realize they weren't true friends at all. Otherwise, plan the wedding so that it really doesn't matter if she shows up or not, and just mentally prepare yourself to not let it ruin your big day if this one person lets you down. Just expect her to let you down and don't give it another thought, don't worry about her or the dress anymore. If she shows up, great, if she doesn't, so what?

P.S. You don't sound like a Bridezilla to me, sounds like you've got a friendzilla.

My first-choice MoH flaked, too.  She insisted on me buying a cheongsam for her... um, not going to work with the other girls, or my dress, and have you seen how much a custom one costs?  Then she just bailed.  Everything worked out fine, it was just an extra bit of stress.  Find someone better!

Just have your sister in law.  You don't need two attendents.  But you might if you have two guys.  You could have your sis-in-law walk up the aisle with a guy on each arm. 

If age isn't an issue, one is enough, for sure.  My little sister was too young to be a witness.  Makes the head table a bit lonely, too... if you're doing the 'head table' thing.

Ah, one other thing... if you have a huge dress, like I did, you might need two people to keep you out of the mud/get you into the washroom. 

Hey, it's your wedding and if you want her to wear something special, you should pay for it.  Full stop.  I never quite understood why the bridesmaids had to pay for their dresses.  I know if I was a student, I wouldn't have been able to afford 130.00 for a dress. 

I don't understand making bridesmaids pay either.  We paid for all of our bridesmaids' dresses and the groomsmens' tuxes.  We let them choose what they wanted to wear and none picked out anything that cost more than $60 (2 years ago), which we thought was reasonable.

I agree it's your wedding and you chose them to be bridesmaid then you should pay for dresses for YOUR ceremony. Granted if you offered to pay in the begining and they wanted to pay then I do think it is a bit unfair to back out. If it's too late to pay for this dress and getting it press isn't there something in her wardrobe that will suit to wear instead?

I guess I can understand both sides of the issue. I'm getting married next weekend (ahhh! that close?!) and would be going nuts if things I'd planned for my wedding were falling through. I have my own issues with that going on right now, so I understand the stress of things not working out like you hoped. The timing is what I would have an issue with, as well.

That said, I agree with others when they say that $130.00 is a lot of money for a college student. I just graduated in May, and worked minimum wage while at school because there literally was nothing else for us to work in the town...the campus had more students living on and around it than the town does when school isn't in session--job choices are slim to a college student anyway, let alone in a town like that. I would work anywhere from 15-22 hours in a week, and that was *more* than enough with a fulltime (sometimes more) class load. It's hard, trust me, and it had nothing to do with partying (I hate partying and drinking, believe it or not). Studying and class were more than a full time job to me, and add on part time work where I was lucky if I made $190 in two weeks?

So I feel her on the money shortage and trying to find something more reasonable for her budget. However, she'd probably had more luck finding something cheaper if she started looking sooner. And, if she was looking sooner than 13 days before the wedding, she could've told you, and you may have been able to help her find something. You did offer to go to other places, after all. If she decided afterwards that she couldn't really afford it, then she should've spoken up sooner. Like others have said, maybe she has something already that she could wear, or that she could borrow. If you really want her in it, I guess it doesn't really matter what she wears, but you still want her to look nice. So maybe offering to pay half would help her out, or offering a day of "let's go shopping until you find a dress and we're not going home until you find one" ;-)

ETA: Congratulations, and good luck!! Hope the 27th is a beautiful day for you (and me! :-D)!!!

I'm getting married next weekend (ahhh! that close?!)

Hope the 27th is a beautiful day for you (and me! :-D)!!!

kawalimidori--you almost gave me a heart atttack!  I'm getting married on the 27th too, but that's the weekend *after* next weekend!

I think a few things need to be cleared up that were maybe misunderstood.

Actually, considering the reaction she got, I'm not surprised at all that she waited so long - she's probably been gathering up the courage to say something for a while.

I haven't said anything to her.  When she waited until the last minute to go looking for a dress, I didn't say anything.  I didn't say anything when she wanted to leave my reception early to go back to OU to catch the halloween parties.  I still haven't said anything about the latest thing.  That all being said, your statement is incorrect and not to mention unfair.

She has done this on multiple occations throughout our friendship, and the whole problem I have is not a 130 dollar dress as the original post may have seemed:  my whole problem in this is the fact that I feel burned by my so called best friend yet again when I had faith she wouldn't do this to me on my wedding day.  I still haven't called/responded because I simply dont know how to.   Its really come to my attention that she hasn't called or emailed me to see how the plans are going, or to even offer help (i wouldnt have accepted , but its the thought that counts).  Not once. And it hurts even more that DF sees this happening because I must've spent collective hours regailing him with tales of Britt and I growing up... and now all he sees is how she is being at this moment.  Heck, the last time DF was in town a couple friends and I took him to the nearby themepark, and when I proposed the idea she was excited and all for it and was going to request the time off work to go, which turned into maybes and we'll-sees... which turned into she was coming back into town two days before we were set to go to meet another friend and get tattoos together, and therefore couldn't get the time off to come with us... never mind the fact I asked first, and introducing my future husband to her wasnt more important than a tattoo.


All I said about the dresses was "dark blue", something in the navy to royal range (something I picked b/c she refuses to wear pastels). And thats it, she could've gone down to the thrift shop and picked out a 10 dollar dress in that color and it wouldn't have mattered to me.  All in all, i think thats extremely fair despite some of the responses I've gotten.

  When it was getting too close to the date and she didn't have a dress, I took her shopping.  She said she liked / is going to buy the first dress she tried on... and I asked again and again if she was sure, and if she wasnt we'd hit every shop in the city until she was sure.  "no, its fine, i like it." was the response I got so I figured its whats she wanted.

If she didnt like the dress, she should've said something... or something alot sooner than 13 days before the ceremony. 

So yeah, Im stupid.  I naively thought NO ONE would be a flake when they were MOH for their so called best friend's wedding.   My anger and upset was never because of a 130 dollar dress, its because now I feel let down and hurt by someone I have spent the last 10 years bending over backwards for.   And frankly, im not going to buy that dress for someone who has made it clear coming in the first place is a burden for them.  I DONT think thats being a "bridezilla" as someone so hurtfully threw out there, I call it being hurt.


And to clear up another misunderstanding, I NEVER suggested a change in jobs b/c of the dress cost.... I suggested a change in jobs at least once a month for the past 1.5 years b/c she b!tched about it so much. 

And you also have to understand my stance on work and school, because I worked 40 hours a week on top of a full load at university, still made a 3.7 gpa average and still had time to hang out with my friends and play video games. I paid for all my books and took loans for my tuition... I even had an apartment with someone.  So, thats where I come from on that note. It wasn't meant to step on toes of members of UKY by saying 15 of work a week is nothing.


So it took a while to type this as im sure it will take a while to read, but Id rather have cleared it up than for people to think Im some kind of monster willing to ruin a friendship over 130 bucks.

Nicky

I didn't think that at all, and you did clear that up with the whole dress cost thing.

I think if I were in your position, I would be just as torn as you. 13 days before a wedding is obviously no time to have a huge blowout with a friend, so confronting her is hard, but maybe you should find a potential back-up person. Either that or do as someone else mentioned and have your SIL walk up the isle with a guy on each arm. That would actually be kind of cute Personally if it were me, I would have already reached my breaking point. You have far more patience than me, for sure!

If this girl is acting like that and has been for months, I would say it's time to internally reevaluate whether or not she's really your best friend anymore. It sounds to me like you've been tossed on her back burner, and that is very very sad. I've learned in my 24 short years so far though, that life is too short to let inconsiderate people continuously walk all over you. Unfortunately, people do change.

 

and i hope other people, esp those who have already read this and/or responded, read my response.

thank you becky =)

I'm bummed out for you because my best friend had a girl in her wedding who totally screwed things up right before too. I know how much it sucks You'll get through it though. If the going gets tough, she can be replaced!

I think other people just read your OP wrong. I'm sure anyone who has been married knows exactly how frustrating it can be. Especially seating arrangements! What a nightmare that was when I was trying to help with my sister's wedding! Anything involving people in groups is always chaos.

I would send her an email or voicemail and just tell her that if she doesn't find a dress in the next few days, you will be forced to find someone else or take her out of the wedding. She might get upset, but honestly she is in no position to complain, especially when you gave her time and so much leeway on the dress choice and price. At the very worst, she gets upset and chooses not to be in the wedding (problem solved!) and best, she will realize she needs to get it done and will actually do it (and find at least SOME kind of dress!). It's hard to confront people sometimes, but my friend did it to the girl who I mentioned above, and she got in a big fight for sure, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise.

I would send her an email or voicemail and just tell her that if she doesn't find a dress in the next few days, you will be forced to find someone else or take her out of the wedding.

I agree, and I think you should be careful about planning the wedding with her in it until you are sure she has the dress. I eloped, so I don't know how hard it would be to just cut someone out of the wedding at the last minute with no replacement, but surely you could devise a backup plan that would work in case she did bail on you?

I say that because I got the feeling from reading your post that this chick is going to wait until the last minute and then tell you she needs you to pick up the dress and pay for it for her, or else she won't be in the wedding. She may be planning to sort of "force" you into buying it. And if she does, I hope you tell her sorry, you can't get the dress for her and I'm sorry you won't be in the wedding. I totally get that this is not about the money on your part, because if she had said at the beginning that she couldn't afford it you would've had the choice then to offer to buy it for her or find someone else. This is about having an unreliable friend. And I've learned that someone who is unreliable is basically untrustworthy and should be avoided if possible. And that's true whether it's a friend or love interest or someone in a business relationship.  Whatever happens, don't let it ruin your day if she isn't the friend you thought she was -- you've got much bigger, better fish to fry!