Parenting advice for very clingy baby(long post)

I think part of the key here, too, is knowing your baby's cries. I know when Sammy is REALLY upset and needs me versus when he's just fighting sleep. He also has dreams or possibly even nightmares what cause him to cry a bit in the middle of the night but I've learned that it's better to let him get it out of his system because picking him up actually wakes him up more!

It's all about trial and error and figuring out what works best for you and your baby.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time Lotuseener.  Please don't beat yourself up.  Babies have different temperaments and some are just more clingy than others.  Sometimes it's a phase and sometimes it turns out to be a personality trait, but even then the personality grows and changes.  I've taken care of quite a few babies and they were all different.  Some traits that can seem trying at one stage can be quite nice at another.  For instance, the toddler who prefers to stick close to Mom doesn't unlock the front door and run out into traffic.  Some babies wake up in the morning and play in their cribs, while others wake up crying and want to be out as quick as they can.  I really don't think it means they're unhappy with life in general.

As for your health visitor saying you should put him in a creche so that he won't be "too close to you" I don't agree with that.  You have to do what feels right to you and what works for your situation.  No doubt if you had signed him up for nursery and he was behaving in this way there would be someone saying leaving him was the reason he was clingy.  Mothers took care of babies at home without the benefit of creches for many years and they did not turn out socially maladjusted.

Your son already does spend time away from you in the care of his father while you work.  My little sister had this situation of sharing care/alternating hours with her husband when her children were babies.  It was quite exhausting and put a strain on her relationship because she and her husband had so little time together, but they survived it.  Her son was very independent and she called her daughter a "cling-on".  Both have grown up to be lovely children (they're now 10 and 15).

About the sleeping...I feel your pain.  As somebody said, babies that do not get enough sleep at night are more fussy during the day.  But that doesn't sound like the case with you, because you said he's not fussy with your husband.  Does your husband put him to bed at night when you're working, or do you put him to bed when you get home?  How does he fall asleep then?  When he wakes at night does he have to be fed in order to fall back to sleep, or held, or patted on the back, or what?  Would it make any difference if your husband got up with him one time?

There are no easy sleep solutions I'm afraid.  My son slept through the night at 3 mos and we foolishly took the credit.  Then my daughter came along and she woke up every two hours to nurse, even when she was six months, enormous and healthy.  I tried taking away one night feeding and she was having none of it.  I literally paced with her screaming for two hours until it was time for the next feed.  Eventually she gave up that feeding and I tried for the next.  It amounted to "crying it out" and was unbelievably hard.  Of course while we were doing it I was getting even less sleep than ever.  I was desperate or I couldn't have gone through with it.  It did work.  My husband called it "two weeks of hell for a lifetime of sanity", but I don't look back with pride.  We survived and she survived, and it doesn't seem to have done any of us any long term harm.

I'm not trying to persuade you to let your son cry it out.  I honestly don't think there is a perfect solution.  I'm just trying to offer you my sympathy because I know how it feels to be exhausted and desperate for a light at the end of the tunnel.

I wouldn't be at all worried about the clinging, my niece was clingy with my sister up to age 3 or 4 and came well out of her shell to become quite outgoing (she's 15 now and just fine).  Your boy hasn't even reached 1 yet!

As far as letting him "cry it out" or living without sleep, there's no right or wrong answer.  It's a matter of how much can you live without sleep vs how bad would you feel letting your boy cry for a few nights.  I don't think either causes any long-term damage to your kid.  It is definitely a habit that your baby gets into, wanting to be held until they fall back asleep, who wouldn't prefer that!  It just comes down to whether or not you can stand getting no sleep and function the next day, and it sounds like your life is pretty hectic with you and your husband both working.

I guess I have no real advice but to say do what you feel is right and don't feel bad about it, every parent makes different choices.  As long as you give your kid lots of love they'll grow up just fine.

I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time.  I've been there and feel your pain.  I will say that what worked for me was that I was pretty brutal about it.  I let her cry it out.  Not when she was teeny but I would say from 10-11 months on. I had read the books and watched the programs and had some idea that these little beings are pretty darn manipulative even at a young age.  Manipulative shouldn't be taken in a negative way- it's self preservation for them isn't it!  Anyhoo when Squidge cries I will wait to see if she'll stop on  her own.  I didn't want to teach her that I'll come running at the first sign of a whimper.  If I hear that she's becoming hysterical then I'll go in and give her a cuddle and lay her back down.  She cries even more then but I walk out and close the door.  It's  a way of reassuring them that you're still there but you're not going to take them out.  I do this consistently and she pretty much knows I'm not going to get her.  The only time it's tough is when there is a disruption to her routine (travel, sickness etc...).

Last night was a BAD night.  She SCREAMED for hours and hours and it was really tough.  So it still happens and it sucks everytime it does but it happens less and less.  Good luck.

Sorry I really didn't mean to offend anybody. I just tried to tell my story. Of course every child is different and actually you are different as a mother with every child. I never let my first child cry it out and I only did it with my second one because it was having an effect on my entire life. I could not fanction anymore. It worked so I wanted to tell.  
Balmerhon, I only said she shouldn't put her baby in day care because it sounded like the HV was pressuring Lotuseener to do that but she doesn't want to. I do beleive it's best for children not to go to day care until after their 2nd birthday but somethimes you don't have a choice. That is what I mean....The parents should decide not the HV or GP or grandparents.....
Marilena

Thanks for clarifying that Marilena.

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I really appreciate hearing all of everyone's different opinions and experiences. It really helps to hear what other parents have gone through, and how they managed it.It also really helps to keep hearing not to be so hard on myself, because I really feel as if I am really doing something wrong.

I went to a Sure Start Rythym and Rhyme class class today with my baby and we signed up for more activities (mostly music/play classes) to get him more involved and socializing.

Thank you again for sharing your insights and opinions with me. It's nice to know that most parents go through something like this at some time or another.

Your mental health, and keeping your stress levels down, is almost as important as your baby's well being.

Good for you!

Just one question, is daycare that horrible in the UK??  Here it is common place and I know VERY few people that can live on one income so most kids are in daycare.  Mine has been there since she was 6 weeks old (because that is all the time you get off) and she has been an independent strong little girl the whole time.  I would dare say it put her ahead as well in her language and social skills.  She will be three in February and uses complete sentence, is potty trained (except through the long night), learns new things very easily, can spell a few things, and I credit her daycare with much of this.  She learned early that I am her permanant mother and that I have to go to work and this person will be her care giver until I get back. 
  Some of the issue with your little once is the permanence thing.  They think you are leaving, but don't always understand that you are coming back.  My girl has no fear of that, we never failed her when she was VERY little, and we haven't yet.  I think that it helped, but it might be totally different in the UK, which concerns me since we want another, but I will probably have to work. 
  As for the sleeping, do what is right for you.  We did the cry it out thing at about 6 months.  It took 2 days and she was sleeping through.  Even at 6 months, she knew how the manipulation worked.  We stopped going in, and she gave up and slept.  We also put a thing in her crib that attached to the side and you just press the button and it lights up a bit and had music and bubbles in it.  That helped as well because if she woke up we heard her, but she could press the button when she was old enough and it turned on and she would go back to sleep.  Sometimes just something familiar or comforting helps, mine has the fish and her bear. 
  Food wise, ours went through the same thing.  She only at peas and yogurt for months.  It will change though.  The food throwing though, we didn't really go through so sorry I can't give any advice on that. 
  You know what is right for your baby and yourself more than any doctor will tell you.  If you try everything else and he won't sleep, you could try the crying thing, depends on how you feel about it. I think the clinging will decrease as he branches out and learns more stuff he can do.  Right around a year is a hard time for babies because they are having issues conveying their feelings and are starting to walk and explore, but the openness leads to a bit of clinging at the unknown.  Hang in there, it will get better.

No, daycare/nursery is not that bad at all! But with the longer maternity leave here and help from the government that many people with children get, it is much easier for women to have a longer time with their young children at home. I had 6 months and that's since gone up to 9. Some people then choose to stay at home longer if they can afford to. But I think it is easier to do in the UK.

Just one question, is daycare that horrible in the UK?? .

No, I don't think daycare in the UK is horrible at all. In fact, the one I researched at my husband's University is quite fantastic, with 1+ year waiting list to prove it. I don't know anything about daycares in the US, since I became a mother after moving to the UK.

It is just the type of mother I am, not being ready for my baby to go to creche. We do have a hard time financially, but we make it work. We learned to live off of what my husband earns as a demonstrator at Uni and my Statutory Maternity Pay, which was drastically lower than what I was earning pre-baby. What I got paid in SMP, is about what I earn working part-time now. My husband and I know our dreadful money situation will improve dramatically once he finishes his PhD, so we just focus on making it work now with my unwillingness to put out baby in daycare.

Overall, I have been very happy with all of the childcare options in the UK, (at least where I live)and how family friendly and child orientated many things seem to be. Sure Start is a fantastic project that I really am thankful for.

Maybe it's me who is the clingy one???

It's totally great that the UK has such things in place that actually allow for a parent to stay home with their child and not feel rushed back off to work!  I just wondered by people's responses if it wasn't something that people usually did.  I'm probably more clingy to my little girl that she is with me.  I just tend to miss her while I'm at work, but it helps that I know she has a great time at her daycare.  Thanks for the response though, I don't think I'll be so worried then over there if we do have another baby and need the daycare!