Couple may be conning FIL with dementia; what to do?

I'm not sure where to post this, so here goes: My husband just found out that his dad had some sort of accident a week ago and was found on the floor of his home after being there for two days or more. His dad is in the States; his parents are divorced and the dad lives alone. FIL had some sort of serious injury to his arm and is now in a rehab hospital. They did an MRI and found he has dementia. His dad has always been very secretive and a bit paranoid. For instance, my husband thinks his dad briefly remarried and then divorced, but couldn't say for sure because his father only alluded to it once and then would never answer questions. His father has also told my husband that when he (FIL) passes away, everything my husband needs is in a briefcase in FIL's truck (alluding to a will or other documents, hard to say as the man is so paranoid that my husband could never ask him if his affairs were in order or even for a key to his dad's condo).

We only know about the injury because my husband's cousin, who he hasn't seen in years, e-mailed him last night (she found his e-mail online, probably at the Web site for my husband's employer). This accident happened 10 days ago and no one told DH because FIL kept saying don't tell him, he only calls when he wants money. Which is untrue; DH makes a good living and it would never cross his mind to ask his dad for money or anything else. And his dad doesn't give us things, period; he never sends any kind of gifts, not even when we got married. Which is fine, we didn't expect anything and weren't in the least bothered (since we eloped, only a few people sent us gifts, and we never even expected that). I only mention that to say it's not like his dad has any reason to think we want or are getting anything from him. And DH does call him several times a year, though they have a distant relationship.

The ironic part is it sounds like a couple are trying to manipulate FIL and get his home! The only ones he trusts seem to be the ones who are trying to con him! The cousin said that FIL was found on the floor of his home by a guy (I'll call Mr. X), who is the son of a friend of FIL. Mr. X had a key to place (DH doesn't even have that!) No foul play is suspected; the guy supposedly saw a couple days worth of papers at the door and decided to check on FIL. Anyway, the cousin overheard Mr. X and his girlfriend talking about how FIL wanted to will his condo to Mr. X's girlfriend, but they wanted him to sign a living trust so that she can get it now or avoid taxes or something. Give her his condo? What?! Besides the fact that FIL had always said that DH was his heir, DH never really expected to get anything because he knew if his father ever required assisted living or a nursing home, the condo and any other assets would have to go to cover those costs. When the cousin overheard Mr. X, she knew something was wrong. And she had already been wondering if it was FIL's dementia talking that made him keep saying not to contact DH. Which is why she finally contacted us after getting back home (she flew out to be with FIL and now isn't there to keep an eye on things; and DH is his father's only child). She told Mr. X it probably wouldn't be legal to have FIL sign things over in his state of mind and the guy just said nothing.

So here's the problem: It sounds like Mr. X and his girlfriend are manipulating FIL to get his house and any money he has (we have no idea if he has any, again because he's so secretive). DH called FIL just now and it was awful, the guy was so paranoid it was off the charts. He kept denying he was in a hospital (not sounding confused, but sounding paranoid and like he didn't want DH to know there had been an accident) and then got all paranoid and suspicious about how DH knew he was there. He would barely answer questions about how he was doing because he was so busy asking why DH had called. Then FIL got mad about the cousin telling DH anything, and claimed SHE was out to get his money! We think Mr. X told FIL that the cousin had said the condo couldn't be signed over and then may have fed his paranoia and said she might try to take it if he doesn't sign it to them soon. FIL told DH not to come out to see him, said it would just "open a can of worms", which we can only guess is an allusion to the whole condo being signed over to con artists.

What the hell do we do? If/when DH goes out there, we're not sure what he can accomplish.  We're also guessing that since Mr. X is aware that DH knows what is going on, this couple will probably get papers and have FIL sign them ASAP. We're not worried about DH inheriting the condo some day; we're worried about FIL losing his home, which he will almost certainly need to sell and use that money to go to an assisted living facility.

So DH wants to go out to see FIL, but first wants to figure out what he needs to do to help FIL get into an assisted living facility and help him move (which FIL will fight), and what he can to do prevent FIL from signing away his home. Or what to do if that happens before he can get out there. Keeping in mind that FIL will fight him and be paranoid about everything, and the couple that FIL trusts are possibly fueling that paranoia to keep family away long enough to take advantage of the situation.

So we need to try and help FIL get the care he needs even though he'll fight it to the core, and we need to try and keep him from signing away everything he owns. What can we do?

I think it would take a trip to the US but you could get the court to appoint DH as exective over the FIL. If he has dementia he isn't of sound mind. Just a thought.

Can you talk to a US lawyer? You can probably find one in London. MeShell is right, you need to get your DH awarded power of attorney, and fast.  I don't know how it works in the US but in the UK it's not that easy, I know because a friend of mine here is in a similar situation and it took months and months for him to be appointed power of attorney because his father was too far gone to agree to it but not far enough gone for the powers that be to say he was totally incacpable.

Good luck.

I think DH going to FIL and a lawyer is a good idea if you can swing it. It sounds like your FIL needs help - and you really won't be able to ascertain what he needs or help him in the situation he is in from afar. Good luck either way.

<sigh> Yes, that's what my husband thought he should do, is get power of attorney. And of course to do that he'll have to have his father declared mentally unfit, which will make his dad all the more paranoid and sure DH wants FIL's "vast estate" (meaning a condo in a not-fab neighborhood that's probably not worth much more than what we pay for a year's rent). This is going to be rough.

I'm so sorry.  What a horrible position for your dh to be in.  Unfortunately, there are people out there in this world who see an older man living on his own, with no family near and see an opportunity.  I wish there was a way to prove what they were trying to do so they'd end up in jail.  It's just horrible what people do to those more vulnerable than themselves. 

I'm sorry, but I agree that if he wants to protect his dad from these people, he's gonna need to gain power of attorney. It shouldn't be difficult if the dad has dimentia, and honestly it's prob a good idea all around. The man really is in a position right now where he needs help with these things even if he doesn't like it.

from personal experience, i can tell you that older people with dementia usually turn very quickly on the people they loved the most. your dh should be prepared for that kind of backlash should he attempt to obtain POA.

what a horrible situation.

my aunt has picks disease, a form of early onset dementia.  By the time she was officially diagionised (at 56) she had probably had it for several years.  Unfortunately, by the time by father got POA, she had had (2) successive live in boyfriends, who had taken/been given thousands of dollars.  Trying to get rid of the latest leech/boyfriend & sort out her finances has taken (2) years.  She’s now in a residential home. 

It’s not a easy situation, but better to have things under your control than some leeches.

We're trying learn more about his condition before we take action. We were given the number of a woman who is supposedly a social worker (which would be good because she could give an opinion on if he should live alone and/or arrange for the someone to visit him at home until we get him into some facility). But DH called the woman yesterday and she said she was a case worker, so we don't know if she works for the state or is with the hospital, and DH had so many questions that he didn't clear it up with her right then. She was vague and then admitted she hadn't familiarized herself with the case yet! We don't know when he'll be released, but it could be soon and they don't need to send him home alone with no social visits set up. She said she would look into the case and call us back. That was yesterday morning her time, and now it's late morning a day later (her time) and she still hasn't called back (an overseas number isn't the problem as we have a U.S. number that forwards to us). DH will give her a little more time then call tonight.

If the people trying to get his home are moving fast, they will probably have paperwork signed before we can do anything. Does anyone know how much it will cost to have a lawyer take care of power of attorney, and to possibly fight the legality of documents signed by someone with dementia? This just seems overwhelming.

Do you know anything about this couple?  How long have they known your FIL ?

I am mentioning this because my MIL is possibly in a situation similar to theirs.

My MIL, who is in her 50s, lives next door to an elderly gentleman, who, while alright mentally, is physically very feeble.  As his family is not present, she has taken it upon herself to ensure his care.  She helps him manage his finances, the upkeep on his house, and other essential tasks, and makes sure he is taking care of his health. He stops by to see her every day, for company and so that she can check that he is OK.  He has said he considers her to be a daughter, and she treats him like one of the family; he has a seat at my MIL's table at Christmas dinner.

As she has been closer to him in his later years than anyone in his biological family, he has promised his house to her.  This, combined with the fact that she is the one he trusts to handle his finances, is met with great suspicion.

I'm not saying that this situation is similar to yours; just that you can't assume that people have to have a biological relationship to be "family".

Oh I just saw your Power of Attorney thread & gave some general advice there.  Only thing is if your FIL is already that mentally unfit, I don't think a POA would fly because it must be drawn up when the maker (who would be your FIL) is of sound mind, etc.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though your FIL is too far gone to draw up a POA at this point.  Your husband is probably looking at going to court to get what's standardly called a Conservatorship (or Guardianship - though that term is usually for children, whereas Conservator is for adults).  Here is a link with some info:

http://www.bernco.gov/live/..%5Cupload%5Cimages%5Cprobate%5C2006%5C051106.htm

You probably are going to need a lawyer for this one unless you really know what you're doing, and particularly as it sounds there are other people involved who may well fight you in court for control of FIL's affairs.

Good luck.

(Your husband might try the POA route if you think you could get FIL to sign off on the document & have it properly witnessed/notarized, but it might not work if there are others to contest his mental fitness to execute such a document at this stage.  Executing a POA when the maker is not necessarily of the soundest mind isn't exactly unheard of - but in the legal sense it's ethically dubious & could be contested if there are opponents who are witness to the fact that the maker isn't truly of sound mind.)

Caveat:  I'm not a lawyer - never have been, but I used to deal quite a bit with these kinds of legal documents & arrangements as they related to my job doing legal transfers of securities' ownership, back in the US.

Im so sorry about your DHs situation. It's made even more difficult with the distance. I can only say if I was in the same situation I would go over and as soon as possible. Not being physically there will make a tough situation even tougher. You might also try Florida's Elder Affairs department website and see if you can access information which could help (you may have done this already, but never hurts to arm yourself with information): http://elderaffairs.state.fl.us/

I wish your DH and you the very best of luck.

I'm not saying that this situation is similar to yours; just that you can't assume that people have to have a biological relationship to be "family".

That's true, and it would be nice if that turns out to be the case here. But there are just some strange things going on (all of which I haven't mentioned here), not the least of which that this couple never told their "friend's" son that is father was in the hospital and had dementia. And that, from what we've heard, they want his house while he is still alive, despite the fact the sale of it could put FIL in a private assisted living facility of some sort. I doubt your MIL is trying to do that sort of thing.

Hubby flies out on Saturday and gets there on Sunday. The hospital's case worker called us back tonight and said FIL definitely can't live alone anymore, and apparently they will not release him until next Friday and that they won't release him to go home alone. I think that means he either has to get live-in care or go to an assisted living facility. She says DH will need to get guardianship if FIL refuses to live other than alone. DH will just have to get there and see what he can do. One issue is what assets does FIL have that could pay for a facility, and we have no idea what assets he has other than his condo because he's so secretive about money. So we'll see what happens; it sounds like the hospital won't just send him home alone, which is good to know.