Homesick and Lonely

Maybe it's the "3 month depression" settling in early, maybe it's SAD, or just plain depression (I hope not!), but I have been having a really tough time lately.  I am trying very hard to be happy and upbeat, but it just feels HARD and forced.  DH is involved in his new job, lots of things to learn and more work than he can fit into a day.  Cole is loving school and adjusting very well.  I, on the other hand, feel lonely, homesick, and purposeless.  

I had my life set up back in MN.  I am not one who readily embraces change.  I HATE moving house with a passion -- disorder, clutter and chaos make me physically uncomfortable.  We had a ton of built-in storage (bookshelves, etc.) in our old house, and here I don't even have a bookshelf, so all my books, files, and craft supplies are sitting in boxes on the office floor.

I had friends in MN, ones that I spent years making.  I try to be outgoing, but I am really shy inside and have to force myself to get out there and meet people.  When I'm feeling like I do now, it's just too much of an effort, plus, I don't want to intrude and seem like a "pushy American."  I like doing stuff with the Junior League, but that's up in London and most of the women I've met so far in the League work during the day.

I know that living over here is a great adventure and a privilage few Americans have, but jeez, I'm the one who had to leave everything that made me feel secure and safe and I feel like it's just to dang hard to have to start over again, especially when we'll probably be moving back to the States in 3-5 years, but not to Minnesota.  Next move is to Washington or Oregon, if DH has a choice with work.

Is what I'm feeling normal?  Does it get better and easier?  I sometimes think that maybe I should try to get a job, but I don't know what kind of jobs are out there with "mother's hours" (9:30 am - 2:30 pm.)  

Plus, I'm all alone in the house during the day, with not even my sweet doggie Rosebud to keep me company.  It really sucks to have her in the quarantine kennel.  It just seems outrageous and pointless when we have proof of her rabies vaccinations for the past 18 months!  

UGH, I hate these feelings!  I hate that is is so hard to find what I consider simple things like unscented votive candles!  I hate feeling so isolated, and at times I feel great resentment towards my husband for dragging me over here.  Yes, I know I am an adult and made the decision with him, but I had no idea how hard it would really be for me.  

Even if we were to go back soon, it would still be starting over again in a new place, blah, blah, blah.  I miss my house that I spent so much blood, sweat, tears, love, and money fixing up just the way we wanted it.  This house is nice, but it's only a rental and I am having a hard time feeling any permanence yet.

OK, I'll try to stop feeling so pitiful. I just had to vent, and I figured that some people here might understand how I am feeling.

Regards,
Stephanie

Aww sweety, I know exactly how you're feeling because I'm feeling the same way. It might be an early 3 month depression setting it, but I think it's with the holidays coming up, it's making me wish for my family.  I'll tell you the few things that's keeping me midly sane:

I got a job. Just started today, it sucked, but it's keeping me busy. You should go to a temping agency, tell them your time schedule and see what they can do. In my experience, they can be helpful.

I don't know what to tell you about your doggie. I didn't bring my precious kitten because I didn't want to put her thru the whole quarentine process, but once I got here I realized I really missed having a pet to take care of. So we went and adopted a rather amusing cat from the RSPCA. He's not my kitten, but he's filling a hole.

Jon is also busy with work. Not only that, but it's made him a little edgy and he's been getting upset easily lately. It's upsetting me and there really isn't anything I can recommend as I don't know what to do either. I just keep thinking that it can't last forever and I'm going to be really sensitive to any emotions in the next few months.

I hope you know you're not alone in this. You have DH, your child(ren), and a whole forum of people who feel your pain. Big hugs.   Cheer up. Tomarrow is another day.

Just wanted to let you know that i share in the feelings of being homesick and also about having things all set up at home and leaving it behind..one of the things that has been bothering me lately is that my family has not kept in contact with me..i considered myself close to them while living in the US and it hurts that they arent making too much of an effort...i dont understand it...

i think the holidays will be hard for all of us....but we just have to try to keep on smiling and take one day at a time...

Sweetheart, I do feel for you.  It's perfectly normal -even for people who like moving!  I did the move the other way, same circs, and us "trailing spouses" just have no idea how hard it's going to be!  But it does get better.  Much better.  IMHO, the earlier you feel like this, the easier and faster you are likely to get over it.  Unfortunately, it doesn't feel like that at the time :'(

I wasn't able to work when I moved to the US (visa regs have changed since I moved 2 years ago), but I got busy through taking classes -by myself, and taking the children to classes/activities.  I met loads of people on a casual basis this way -many of whom I no longer see, but who helped me fill the void, and some of whom I now consider close friends.  Don't worry about seeming the "pushy American" -those who wish to stereotype that way will do so no matter how you approach them and probably aren't worth knowing.  Not all Brits are like that, honest!

Just don't spend time dwelling on it -get out there and do something -doesn't matter what it is, or whether you pack it in after one go, just do something and keep doing things and you'll suddenly wake up one day feeling happy.  I did.  You can too.  Trust me it will get better.

The classes suggestion is excellent, I've just started my second year taking Japanese at the Oast House in Staines...and if I have the money I'm planning to take an art course next year (I will get the money somehow darn it!).  If you're close enough to London to make occasional visits, give one of us a shout, and we'll be happy to wander about with ya.  I can even show you where Subways is...and it's just around the corner from Ben and Jerry's!    
We're here for ya chica!
wench

btw, also wanted to say that I sympathise with the poor family contact.  I was going mental calling them and sending emails (tho not writing...I'm crap at writing! well, okies I'm crap at mailing, writing isn't so bad.) and they never really call me.  I think they've called me like twice in the whole time I've been here (2 years).  And that's hard sometimes.  I have found it's easier thinking it out rationally tho.  We're all really crap at mailing things.  And for them, well, they're (all 5 of them) still all together, so it must be much easier to not notice me being gone.  However I'm all by myself (tho with my new family) and so it's a HUGE emptyness for me to notice.  I must admit I was well chuffed to get an email from my sis griping cause she hadn't seen me online and missed me tho!  
wench

Stephanie,

Hang in there because you're definitely not alone.
What you are feeling is totally normal, yes it does get better but you'll find you'll have good days and bad days.

The hardest part is getting your bearings and that just takes time. I understand what you mean about not feeling like you're quite home in a rental house. I've got the same situation here in Nottingham. In the States, I worked, I volunteered, I had friends to visit and I had a support system brave enough to babysit my children so I could have 'adult' time. Giving up just a few of those things would have been difficult but everything at once seemed overwhelming on many a day, (still does some days, to be honest.)
Ashley did make a great suggestion about the RSPCA...I know Rosebud is waiting (still love the fact that you have a Basset named Rosebud....instant grin   ) but if it's an option maybe to get a cat or another dog it helped alot for me. Maverick and Goose are the cats Tim brought home for me (I wasn't overly impressed at first, being a dog person) but dear God these cats are mad and have made the days go quicker with more laughter I'll tell you.
The other thing that truly helped, was weekend trips. Tim quickly started dragging me out of bed early Saturdays and we'd pack up our motley crew and head out to some piece of history or just another town to explore. It's hard to be homesick in a 500 yr old castle let me tell you. Scotland alone cheered me up for weeks. I think having the visual of what new things I had gained, worked hard to counteract some of the depression.
Oh sure you may have to hire Cole out as a chimney sweep to cover the cost of petrol for this weekend therapy, but hey it's good to install a work ethic in them while they're young I always say  

Hang in there Steph, we're always here for you.

Red

Hang in there Stephanie! You've got friends here to talk to. We've all been right where you're at but I expect to varying degrees. I think it depends on what your expectations were before you came. If you're a bit of a dreamer and a fantasist like I was, then you might have spun some wonderful fairy tales about life here in the UK. But reality can be all too painfully different.

Do try the temp agencies as recommended. Or try to look into working at a school - there always seems to be a shortage for teaching helpers (although you might not want to surround yourself with rugrats all day if you've got them already!)

The family/friends thing, well that is a devastating bomb.  It seems to be the price you pay for living here though. My partner can always count on me to be at my lowest on birthdays, thanksgiving and christmas.  When the contact and letters that should be there just aren't. I don't know what it is about posting things to the UK - I suspect people in the states just don't want to queue up in line or something. But I send cards faithfully every year to relatives who haven't responded once. It's almost like a joke now after 8 years. But I won't stop, even if it is heartbreaking and I do write things like "please write to me!".  You will find, rather sadly, that over the years, your friendships with those back home may dwindle to just occasional correspondence. There's no reason in this day and age of email but I think the American lifestyle of rush rush rush all the time, everywhere, just prevents many from sitting down and writing - even though they'd like to. It's a bit selfish isn't it?  

Just hang in there and things will get better. And keep posting on this board for support!

(Another) Stephanie

I did the same thing.. i left my beloved kitty Jack back in Los Angeles and when i got here i adopted a one year old cat i named Minkey.. she is lovely and definitely doesn't replace Jack but is a great pet and I already am very fond of her.  She makes my house feel like a home to me.. i have always had pets and it was a priority to get one asap when i moved here.  Sorry to hear about your sadness.  My mother-in-law works part time at a sort of retirement home 6 hours a day 4 days a week.. she does activities and seems to enjoy it.. might be something to think about.. part time and you would feel like you are making someone elses life a bit brighter.

just a thought.. hope you feel better  

Or try to look into working at a school - there always seems to be a shortage for teaching helpers (although you might not want to surround yourself with rugrats all day if you've got them already!)

Or maybe just offering to help at Cole's school.  In the past I've listened to new readers, helped in the changing room at swimming, helped with cooking and sewing.  It would give you a chance to meet other parents, have an in with the teacher and have a good idea of what is going on in school. Hang in there Stephanie.  

Thanks for the kind words and messages everyone.  I have been feeling a bit better the last couple of days.  I have had some Junior League stuff to do in London yesterday morning, and tomorrow too.  My dh is taking off work early tomorrow so he can pick Cole up from school, so I can stay up in London a bit longer and have lunch with another member, and to shop.  Don't know if I'll actually buy anything, but it will be fun to look around.  She's promised to show me all the "posh" shops.

I think I'm going to volunteer at Cole's school starting next term.  I have also volunteered to work a booth at the Christmas Fair this weekend, so maybe I'll get a chance to meet some folks there.

I wish I could get a cat, but I'm allergic!  Can't get another dog because our landlord was adamant about only one dog.  That's OK, though, because I'm a "one-dog woman"!

DH and I spoke at length the other night and we are going to start taking some weekend trips, or at least day-trips, very soon.  I think we're going to try to get up to London to see the lights and Harrods the weekend before Christmas, and then try to plan at least one small trip a month so we can see stuff, both in the UK and on the continent.

So, I'm hanging in there and taking one day at a time.  It's really nice to have a forum where other members understand what you are feeling!  Thanks again, everyone.

Cheers,
Stephanie

.  My dh is taking off work early tomorrow so he can pick Cole up from school, so I can stay up in London a bit longer and have lunch with another member, and to shop.  Don't know if I'll actually buy anything, but it will be fun to look around.  She's promised to show me all the "posh" shops.

What a good idea!  Have a great time.  If you get to Selfridges, you must go to the Christmas Decoration Dept.  They always have themes and the ornaments, etc. are FAB.  
Also, most of the big dept. stores do a special edition Teddy, with the year sewn on his foot that is a nice thing to mark a special year.

You know one thing that always stops the blues;)....It's a day out with the girls:)

I really think that if you have a day out with a lot of US girls then you'll feel much better.  I know that when Elle came back to England with me she felt much better after she had a day out with her friend Wench. Two yankie girls exploring London together!!

I definitely agree with Frank. Girls' Day Out!

It's tough leaving friends/family behind and Christmas/Thanksgiving is the WORST time for it. But you've reached out to us, this little online community, and we know your feelings so well because we've got them too. So, what better thing than to have mutual cheer-ups?

Heck, while you're visiting all the sites on the weekends, don't forget my husband and I are near Bath/Stonehenge/Avebury,Salisbury/Cotswolds, etc. We'd love to give you some 'insider' views and recommendations. I'll even drag 'the other' Stephanie along.  

Not that 'you owe me' for selling your house for you, but I am not above saying such devious things to get together with new-found friends.  

Seriously, you do have a great network of friends all over the UK now. Take advantage of that!

You know one thing that always stops the blues;)....It's a day out with the girls:)

I really think that if you have a day out with a lot of US girls then you'll feel much better.  I know that when Elle came back to England with me she felt much better after she had a day out with her friend Wench. Two yankie girls exploring London together!!

Frank, buddy, I have to let you in on a little secret. It's not the 'exploring London with another Yankee girl' that made them so happy, it's the having another American woman to plot with that made them both grin. We're just more dangerous in pairs...happier yes....but more dangerous, certainly.   Cinnabon is probably code for something...you might want to find their secret manuals ASAP.
Trust me on this one.....
Red