HEEEELLPP!!! (Child Custody)

Definitely talk this over with an attorney because I think you'll find a Court won't agree.  Be very careful arguing this point.  If the father refuses to pay half the travel (and undoubtedly he will) then don't give up your child support.  Make him pay it, which in turn will help you pay for plane fare.  It's called dirty pool. 

Yes, definitely choose whether you want child support to continue OR if you want him to pay for transport.  Generally, the parent who makes the move (that'd be you) is responsible for paying transportation costs.  The best deal for your ex is definitely the "you won't have to pay any child support" route.  Good luck!  :-)

I figured out that he has about 12 days a month with Elijah and he has already missed 9 and the month is not over. And he's the one that took me to court TWICE to get the visitations. 

Just a further thought, Danielle, on the above bit.  Keep a diary of the scheduled contacts the father is supposed to have and whether he's exercising that contact or not.   This will be handy if he attempts the "she's keeping me from my son" argument again.  You can then show to the Court that while you've made your son available for contact, he's not been exercising that contact.  It'll hurt his credibility a bit.

I'm all over that, I've been keeping a journal for the last year and a half. I also requested a copy of his child support payment history from the DAs office to show how he is late with his payments.

Today I had the attorney at my job type up a different arragement, what do you gals think?

1) joint custody
2) I pay 100% of transportation
3) i initiate and pay for scheduled phone calls
4) every summer and every other christmas with nelson
5) we are both be responsable for child care when elijah is under our care.

does this sound better? All comments welcomed.

I'm all over that, I've been keeping a journal for the last year and a half. I also requested a copy of his child support payment history from the DAs office to show how he is late with his payments.

Today I had the attorney at my job type up a different arragement, what do you gals think?

1) joint custody
2) I pay 100% of transportation
3) i initiate and pay for scheduled phone calls
4) every summer and every other christmas with nelson
5) we are both be responsable for child care when elijah is under our care.

does this sound better? All comments welcomed.

I think that sounds great...can't really see why he wouldn't accept that arrangement unless he's just purposely trying to be difficult.  Good luck to you and your son.  :-)

I'm all over that, I've been keeping a journal for the last year and a half. I also requested a copy of his child support payment history from the DAs office to show how he is late with his payments.

Bloody excellent.  You go woman!

Today I had the attorney at my job type up a different arragement, what do you gals think?

1) joint custody
2) I pay 100% of transportation
3) i initiate and pay for scheduled phone calls
4) every summer and every other christmas with nelson
5) we are both be responsable for child care when elijah is under our care.

does this sound better? All comments welcomed.

I think this sounds REALLY fair and I can't see why a Court wouldn't grant it.  It's a very sound agreement.  Mucho well wishes your way that the father will sign off on it and if he doesn't that the Court will!

Good luck finding some sort of resolution. I have been holding my breath, because my ex is totally irrational (seriously, he needs to be on some medication, but won't.) I talked to him about moving a year ago, just to break him into it gently, and have repeatedly brought it up (because if I don't, he forgets...like he forgot to come see the twins at all the past year, only the times I went to the UK alone and asked him to stay here with them, forgets to pay child support 75% of the time, and forgets to do whatever needs to be done to secure and keep a job! I am not being bitter or mean, really. He was a good high school friend and then 20 years later we married after a brief reunion for a brief few years, and I want him to be happy and well, but he really needs to take some medication and get some counseling. Phew, sorry!) Anyway, he signed the passport forms so that we could go for an extended stay a few months ago, and we are moving sometime in August on a year to year basis. He has been invited to come in the fall to visit and even stay at the house (we will head off for a week by ourselves, IF he shows up!) and I agreed to stay for 6 weeks when we come back at Christmas time before going back to the UK.

But, it is not easy. I sought some free legal advice, just in case (because he had gone back and forth and yelling etc.) and it would not be cut and dry that they would go with me, even though they live with me, hardly see him, he hasn't paid child support etc. and they are too young to live away from me or in some arrangement (like one year here, one year there.) I have always stayed at home with them...he even said that they should stay with him (he lives with his folks who don't see the twins either, or call about them, or even sent them birthday or Christmas cards) and IF he is working, they could go to daycare. He said it didn't matter to him that they would be with me daily, like always. And it didn't matter that he hadn't "exercised his right" to see them in the past; by moving them I am taking that right away from him! The situation shouldn't surprise me, as he has two children from a previous marriage that he doesn't contact for months, even years, at a time and who he is in arrears with child support for the amount that equals the average american's salary for 2-3 years.

For now, he is stable and agreeable that we are going. Seriously, I know he wants to be a loving, involved father...children are a joy and blessing...but he just can't take responsibility. So, a lot of his angry words are just "posturing" I think, and in some ways he probably is glad to be "off the hook."

Oh, BTW, I was told by the lawyer that I needed to write him a letter and both of us sign it ATLEAST 30 days before I leave the country with them. The letter needs to spell out whatever details we want, showing that it is a mutual decision, or else he can claim I "kidnapped" the children. I am located in Maine. I am sure this must be true in all states though.

Also, in my letter, I stated that travel would be paid by myself (for Christmas visit and summer visit) as long as his child support is paid in full. (He knows I will be coming back and forth anyway, to see my own family, but still I through it in there!)

Again, good luck! It is so hard when dealing with a parent that doesn't have their children's best interests at heart. Hang in there!

Warmly, geally

Update:

I just came back from my meeting with this lawyer, she seems very nice. She's going to let me do a payment plan if we go to court, but she recommended that I show Nelson my 2nd visitation plan and see what he says.

If not I'm going to call her tomorrow and get things started. Wish me luck!!! Hopefully I won't have to call her back.

Update:

I just came back from my meeting with this lawyer, she seems very nice. She's going to let me do a payment plan if we go to court, but she recommended that I show Nelson my 2nd visitation plan and see what he says.

If not I'm going to call her tomorrow and get things started. Wish me luck!!! Hopefully I won't have to call her back.

Best of luck sweetie!  I hope he finds some sort of rationale. 

Hello All,

 I just wanted to say thanks again for all of your information and support. As expected, Nelson said no AGAIN.   [smiley=devilish.gif]So, I'm on my way to see my lawyer and give her a retainer. GGGeeeeZZZZ...he is such a head ache, but this is the only way. 

I'll keep you all posted on the results.

Thanks AGAIN!

-Alz

Hello All,

 I just wanted to say thanks again for all of your information and support. As expected, Nelson said no AGAIN.   [smiley=devilish.gif]So, I'm on my way to see my lawyer and give her a retainer. GGGeeeeZZZZ...he is such a head ache, but this is the only way. 

I'll keep you all posted on the results.

Thanks AGAIN!

-Alz

Mucho love and support to you, honey. 

It's been my experience and observation that the woman of the ex relationship is doing her best to focus on the best interest of the child(ren). Unfortunately, the law is blind to intention and favors the one who shouts the loudest. In my own case I shouldn't have worried so much about doing what I felt was fair. In the end, there was nothing fair about the verdict. There was no one but me who kept asking everyone to consider the child. And everyone covered their ears to my pleas.

Yes, I have become very bitter and angry, but if you were to do a poll of the women on this forum who have been in this same situation, you will find many many women here who do not have their children with them now. And it's not because they haven't tried. But it was because they put the interests of their children first...and it all went belly up.

I wouldn't worry about being hard and harsh to your ex. You're putting on battle armour now.

     Is it not possible to apply for sole custody.    This would eleviate a lot of the problems.    We were in the same boat with amber, her father didnt want her to go to the UK the first time and neither this time i suspect but Rhia having sole custody hes has no chance.    Good luck.

Question....

This is for the woman/men (not sure if there are any in men in this situation) who have relocated without there children, do you all have visitation? Do you pay child support? How did your children react to you leaving? If your children were sad, did affect the other parent?
Are you planning to try to get custody again? Do/Did you feel "bad" about leaving them?


Just wondering....

thanks,
Alz

Question....

This is for the woman/men (not sure if there are any in men in this situation) who have relocated without there children, do you all have visitation?

Yes

Do you pay child support?

Yes

How did your children react to you leaving?

When we said goodbye before I left, there really wasn't any tearfulness or any kicking and screaming saying, "Don't go! Don't go!"  My youngest seemed a little upset, but I think overall they were excited to be going to live with their dad.

If your children were sad, did affect the other parent?

Don't know.

Are you planning to try to get custody again?

No.  There's really only a couple of scenarios that would change that, i.e., if the girls were dead set on living with me again or if my ex falls off the wagon. 

Do/Did you feel "bad" about leaving them?

Bad in what way?  I didn't regret my decision then or now, although plenty of others (ex included) seem to want to try to make me feel bad about it.  It doesn't work.  I made the choice I thought was best for them.  Period.  It's been a good choice for them.  I'm glad they're happy and healthy.  That's what any mother wants for her children.  Did I get depressed?  Yea.  The first several months without them were very tough.  Sometimes I would see a child who had some similarity to my own and I'd go to pieces.  Sure, I miss them.   But it's all part and parcel to the whole non-custodial gig, really.  This is why I do what I can to bridge the gaps by writing and calling them every week and then the times we are together are just that much nicer. 

Do you all have visitation?

Yes, but not as much as I want. When it was an informal agreement, the ex made the demands on what he wanted me to have: every other Christmas, every other Easter, four weeks of summer. I wanted every Christmas, every Easter and eight weeks of summer (still left him with at least three weeks). When we took it through the courts I only gained two weeks of summer to bring it to six weeks. The ex still has him for six weeks as well this summer.

Do you pay child support?

Yes. I paid a lump sum fee to get the whole thing over with. The ex was making too many demands on me getting life insurance to cover amounts unpaid, and paying large upfront fees for arrears during the time this has been in the court process, and the court asking for monthly processing fees and the bank asking for foreign currency conversion fees and the monthly nail biting to make sure the certified check even got to the courthouse, nevermind postal delays and the fact they based the total amount due on when the dollar was at an all-time low. The whole thing was a nightmare, so I paid it all off at once.

How did your children react to you leaving?

Everything seemed fine until about three months after my move that my son told me he didn't mean to hurt me. That really broke me up. It was then I knew he wasn't fine with the decision, but I was heartened to know that he'd be joining me soon once I got settled because this was something the ex and I had agreed on.

If your children were sad, did affect the other parent?

His dad's third wife, I later found out, had been emotionally abusing my son. They divorced for that reason. So I think the ex was certainly aware there were problems. But, the ex's solution was to remarry a fourth time and then severely cut back the visits my son had here and sue me for total custody...in other words, not allowing  my son to move here with me afterall.

Are you planning to try to get custody again?

I did try. I went through two solid years of mediation and court battles. I lost in a huge way.

Do/Did you feel "bad" about leaving them?

I wouldn't phrase it like that. I never left my son. He was always supposed to follow me here once I got settled. I didn't know the ex was lying through his teeth until after I moved. But as for moving here, I'd only change one thing. I'd have brought my son with me. I just didn't have the foresight to realize that the schools here would be good for him and that there were kids his age that weren't just yobs. I came here to found out. And when I did get a green light, it was too late to fix it.