Heartbroken.

Hi Everyone,

I wrote on here a few months back.  I meant my fiance "L" online late last spring, and within a couple months of talking and a visit overe here, we were engaged.  For the past year my entire life was focused on planning a wedding, traveling back and forth, and readying myself for the move over to Kent.  The time apart was brutal, but I coped by knowing that we would soon be together permanently.  That's what I was holding on to.

We were originally supposed to be married this past July...I had talked with the priest, sent out save-the-dates, had my dress, bridesmaid's dresses...together we picked out invitations, a cake topper, guest book, the menu....everything.  In March, he told me he wasn't ready to get married this year, but he'd be ready next year, so we would just postpone everything.  I had to cancel the church, the dj, send out "un" save-the-dates, and break the news to all my friends and family who were looking forward to the celebration. He didn't seem to understand how hard this was for me.  And unfortunately, I didn't trust him enough to believe that we would in fact get married next year.

Things started to get strange, and he was pulling away a bit.  I can see that now. When I had gone over to visit him in May for his brother's wedding, I had tried to give him back the ring, telling him that I wasn't comfortable wearing it if we didn't have wedding plans.  He was so devastated, he cried and told me that it was my ring and he didn't want it back.  I knew he was confused but I kept it, we cried and kissed goodbye at the airport, and I came home.  That was the last time I saw him.

 Anyhow, 5 days after our original wedding date, he broke up with me.  Unfortunately, this was my first real serious relationship, and my first broken heart.  He told me I was his best friend and he loved me to bits, and couldn't imagine his life without me in it...but now he's already gotten himself a new girlfriend.  She also has a 4 month old infant who he told me is "good as gold".  Talking to him again was my mistake, but the fact that he didn't think I'd be bothered by hearing this really hurt.  They've been dating for at least a month now.  I know that if there's ever a chance of us becoming friends, it's not going to happen for some time.  But I also don't know what the point would be.

The fact that he's moved on so quickly makes me sick.  And now there's the question of things...he left his winter coat/snowpants/ski goggles here, and wants me to send them back to him.  Along with his razor - and a paperpack book.  When he asked me to send him back a paperback book that he's already ready, it was actually embarrassing.  I only asked him for the pajamas I left there that his mother had given me.  I don't want anything else.  He has yet to send things back.  He's probably too busy setting up house with his new lady.

I guess I needed to vent a bit, but also ask for your advice about dealing with heartbreak.  I know most of you are in good relationships (and I hope they stay that way!) but do you remember your first broken heart? And do I even bother to send him his things back.  They're just things after all. 

I don't know.  Any help would be so appreciated.

Thanks,
S

Oh SuzMarie

Sorry to hear you are feeling down 

The best advice I can give is actually to have a good cry..don't fight it back..let it all out over the next few days.  Then concentrate on you.  Pamper yourself and start focussing on positive aspects of your life or concentrate on starting that new hobby you have always wanted to do or study course..something like that.

The reason that your upset again is because when they start dating someone new..its kind of a final thing that they have moved on.  Don't sit there and question yourself or compare yourself to anyone especially her.  You get yourself back on track girlie and have some good single fun 

You know..its good fun kissing the frogs sometimes..until you meet a prince 

Just try to focus on the positive and work through the negative and you will be just fine..

Big hugs for you.

Yep.  I was dating a guy who was half the country away once.  I took off loads of time when his grandmother died, and all we did was fight.  I had a lot going on at the time, and then just before I was supposed to move 1,000 miles to be with him, he asked me to call him and broke up with me.  It was really hard on me because I thought he was the best thing ever.  I think what I did was gave myself a month of crying, then decided I was young, got out there a bit, and had some fun.  I then decided to do things for me to better myself, and my life, and to not let someone guide how I felt about myself and my life.  It was really hard, but I look back now and think anyone who could have treated me so badly didn't actually appreciate me or think of me as important to their life.  Luckily, I had a good friend to get me through it too, and now I'm married to him.    

Good luck and feel better.  Give yourself some time to heal, find something that you may have been holding back trying or doing and give it a go.  And just put him to the side for a while.  If you two are to be friends, he'll still be there when you feel up to talking to him.  

It's pricey to mail those things, make him pay the postage! 

I'm sorry, I know it's devastating, but agree with the others to allow yourself to wallow and grieve for a bit. Then try to move on. I've never been able to be friends with an ex. Give yourself time to heal before making that decision.

Maybe I'm lucky that it was my very first boyfriend who was reduced to tears when I broke up with his lying *ss.  He even circled the spot where the tears fell on his letter begging for a second chance.  

Sorry, but screw him and his needs.  Don't go out of your way for him.  Tell him you'll send his cr*p back when he sends you the funds.

Better yet, burn it.  Or donate it to charity.  Have a nice therapeutic cleansing.  Harboring feelings for this guy is just going to get you burned again, when his new girlfriend gets too close for comfort and he's got nobody else to turn to.  Seriously.

Sorry you have to go through this, but it needs to be stopped now.  

Maybe I'm lucky that it was my very first boyfriend who was reduced to tears when I broke up with his lying *ss.  He even circled the spot where the tears fell on his letter begging for a second chance.  

OMG!..That was worth dumping him alone!...I thought of this film clip when you said that! lol

Your situation is very much like what I went through with my ex-UK bf. I was in England in May, and when we left at the airport he was saying he loved me and wanted to marry me. I came back to the states and did tons of research on ways I could get back to the UK.

In late July of that same year, I was on a mission trip as a chaperon with 20+ teenagers. He called me and broke up with me while I was on the trip. I wasn't even really able to be upset, since I had so many responsibilities.

Turns out he started dating his current GF a month before he broke up with me.  

And he lied to me about smoking. And he lied to be about drugs. (He had told me he didn't do both, when he really did)  

His family and I are still close. I ended up going back over with BUNAC and his parents rented me a room. I just didn't have much to do with him the whole time. We can be civil in the same room, but I'm not going to go out of my way to have a conversation with him.

I'd have a bonfire if I were you.   I found it very therapeutic to send all of my ex's pics and letters through the shredder, then burn the paper.

Oh, I'm so sorry.  My first and most significant heartbreak was a US-UK relationship as well- we broke up because he was totally not ready for a serious relationship (we were talking about me moving over also) but he somehow could never really say it flat out, leaving me to actually break up with him once his behaviour become absolutely unacceptable.  It was devastating, but as much as it hurts now, time does heal.  And don't try to be friends with him, at least not for a long, long time.  Having no contact with the ex if possible can be very helpful to healing.

 Luckily, I had a good friend to get me through it too, and now I'm married to him.    

Ha, just wanted to say this happened to me too!  My now husband (also British, coincidentally) and I became close friends directly in the aftermath of my breakup with the ex.

I think you should find a new guy...any guy...let him wear your ex's ski pants, take a pic...
and send him a a "HAPPY CHAPPY" foto of the two of you for x-mas....
and then take his stuff to good will.

SuzMarie, I don't know that I have any good advice to deal with a broken heart, except that all I can offer is my comradeship as I am right in the middle of that state of being also, right now. The best I can do is to say "You are not alone" and that yes, it's a terrible feeling. It's not much but maybe just knowing others out there are suffering the same sadness helps to feel not so isolated, I don't know...

There are lots of wonderful sounding marriages and relationships on these boards, and while it is heartwarming and (in my stronger moments) inspiring, to read of these healthy ones, it is also a very lonely feeling.

The man I came here for, at great expense and disruption a couple of months ago, could not sustain the relationship even though we have known each other all our lives and knew -- or thought we knew -- what we were getting into more than any two people might. Both he and I talked of being the love of each others lives. He wanted this almost MORE than I did! Yet still we caused each other incredible pain and disappointment and bewilderment at how this could not work out.

Right now I really do not believe there are any further chapters in my personal life -- I can't go on and I look around and don't feel anymore that there will be anyone for me out there at this stage. I can't be told there is someone better out there, I truly don't believe it and I'm in a lot of heartache and despair trying to deal with the failure of something I really thought was "IT" for me.

But even while believing that of myself, please don't you give up. For YOU there will be someone better; this man didn't deserve you; don't let it keep you down. Go on ahead and know that you deserve love and someone who truly wants you; it will happen for you. I wish you healing and love and happiness after all this is over; a big, big, hug to you, my heart goes out to you.

Eh. Send him his stuff, walk away. Cut contact. Time (and only time) will make it better.

Welcome to the People Who Have Been Dumped club. It has a huge membership.

Wanted to add, I agree about cutting all contact and NOT sending him his stuff back. He forfeited his stuff when he did what he did to you.

I think there has been too much pain and betrayal here to realistically be friends with the jerk. Friends don't do to each other what he did to you; cut him out of your life. Even after time has healed, why have him in your life?

I think you should send his stuff back IF he gives you the money to pay to send it. 

When my ex and I broke up, I moved 600 miles away to live near my best (male) friend several months later and requested that my ex send me stuff I had left at his house - my stuffed moose, and a cordless phone I had lent him.  When I got the package it contained EVERY SINGLE ITEM I had ever given him and my Moose reeked of motor oil.  Even though I was over the break-up, I was really upset to receive that package. 

To give another ex and mailing story - I broke up with a friend because he turned out to be abusive and had tried to sexually harass me.  Since we were so close and spent weekends at each other's houses I literally had a TON of his stuff at my house.  None of my stuff was at his though (I had a car, and he rented a room from a friend so he never had room for all his stuff, so he kept a lot at my house).  I put all his stuff in a HUGE box and laid on the top a letter informing him if I ever so much as heard a peep out of him the cops would be on his ass and I'd be pressing charges.  It felt so good to get rid of his stuff and be able to tell him off like that. 

So, I think it depends on where you are in the getting over things stage and how you feel.  If YOU think it will be cathartic to mail him all his stuff - do it.  But if you think it might upset you to get a package with your stuff in it, don't agree to send stuff back.  (oh, and I agree that if he insists on wanting his stuff back he should paypal you money to cover postage. Sounds like he left more stuff at your house than you left at his!)

Like Springhaze, I was in another LDR right before meeting DH. We were writing partners on a book. It was very difficult to contact him about what should become of what we had written. But after that cutting off all contact was the best thing I did. I do think he should pay for shipping his stuff though.