How long did it take you to make friends in the UK?

I'm not sure that's a US/UK thing. In SF I had a real mix of male and female friends, but at one point I ended up dating a guy who lived in Michigan. One time when I was visiting him we went to his friend's house for a BBQ and all the boys went outside and I was quite pointedly parked in the kitchen with the women. I was amazed - it was just SO different to my reality, but the more time I spent in the midwest the more I realised that was the norm.

That would pretty much be the norm where I grew up.  Men outside, in the garage or the basement.  Women in the kitchen.
I haven't had that experience here, really but I don't really do pubs that often so maybe just never came across it.

That would pretty much be the norm where I grew up.  Men outside, in the garage or the basement.  Women in the kitchen.
I haven't had that experience here, really but I don't really do pubs that often so maybe just never came across it.

I've found it a bit of each in both countries. In some of my groups of friends, men and women mix, and in others they don't. I think it depends on the sort of people they are. I honestly don't really have a preference either. Some men I like talking to, and some sort of bore me. If they're really sport-minded, then I'd rather be in the kitchen with the women.

One US/UK cultural difference I have noticed - and this may only be my limited personal experience - is that in the UK there is more of an attitude of "men do their own thing and women do their own thing" - think of those Boots "Here come the girls" adverts.

I would hesitate to make a hard-and-fast ruling like that. I think that varies quite a lot by age, social class, background, etc. Of course, there are people who assign roles to the sexes in that way, but equally, there are social settings in which such attitudes (men like cars and sports, and women like babies and dresses and kitchens) provoke eye-rolling and amused laughter. That is definitely the case at my house!

I'm not sure that's a US/UK thing. In SF I had a real mix of male and female friends, but at one point I ended up dating a guy who lived in Michigan.

That's why I said it may only be my limited experience.

Maybe it's a coastal (I'm from New York City) vs. Middle America thing. Or maybe something else entirely.

Whatever it is, I sometimes feel uncomfortable talking to men here - particularly when I'm in the presence of other women- where I never felt uncomfortable in the US. (I don't mean that the men make me uncomfortable, I mean that I feel like I'm doing something other people perceive as wrong.)

The "women in the kitchen talking about babies" concept would have provoked eye-rolling and laughter where I'm from.

ETA: Oh, too funny. Once DH and I were in a charity shop somewhere (not in York) and they had separate sections for men's books and women's books. The women's books were romance novels and the men's books were everything else.

T

The "women in the kitchen talking about babies" concept would have provoked eye-rolling and laughter where I'm from.

I know I said that it was common for men and women to gravitate towards different rooms where I'm from.  But that doesn't mean that the women were in the kitchen talking about babies. In my experience the women were talking about a whole host of different subjects and usually having a very good laugh while they were at it.  It's just the way it is in some parts of the country.  That doesn't make it wrong or eye-roll worthy.  Don't knock something until you've tried it.

I know I said that it was common for men and women to gravitate towards different rooms where I'm from.  But that doesn't mean that the women were in the kitchen talking about babies. In my experience the women were talking about a whole host of different subjects and usually having a very good laugh while they were at it.  It's just the way it is in some parts of the country.  That doesn't make it wrong or eye-roll worthy.  Don't knock something until you've tried it.

Lol, my girlfriends and I usually talk about very important subjects. Mainly sex. However, we do talk about babies fromtime to time! But sex seems to be the topic on our lips at get togethers!!!

I know I said that it was common for men and women to gravitate towards different rooms where I'm from.  But that doesn't mean that the women were in the kitchen talking about babies.

I never meant to imply that you were.

I think it's more about the idea that men and women prefer to segregate themselves because it's not "natural" for women and men to share the same interests (which include sex) or to have the same points of view.

I usually gravitate to whichever conversation I find more interesting. The only time I've ever gotten annoyed was when a (very liberal SF living normally nice guy) pretty much sent me to speak with his wife while he and DH "talked business".  His wife is nice enough, but we have nothing in common and guess who runs much of DH's business? Yes, that would be me.

Otherwise, I've never seen it as a problem.

Back to the friends thing, though, I've never really had close friends who I've known forever for the simple reason that I moved a LOT while I was young, so I was constantly leaving and making new friends and then leaving again.  I haven't encountered anything in England that was any different from the dozen times I had to make new friends in the US--except perhaps occasionally missing the sarcasm in a comment because it was said with such a straight face!

I think it's more about the idea that men and women prefer to segregate themselves because it's not "natural" for women and men to share the same interests (which include sex) or to have the same points of view.

I honestly don't think thats the reason.   I think it's more likely people just gravitate towards the conversation or the seating arrangement that they feel comfortable with.  Or if it's a party or a Barbeque it's just polite to be where your host is -the kitchen or to help with the cooking, cleaning up or out by the grill.  It's not like they kick opposite members out of their group.  Everyone is welcome.  It's not a formal thing.  I think you're over thinking this.  If you feel more comfortable sitting and chatting with the men then you should.  I don't so I don't.  It's no big deal.  It's never come up since I've moved to the UK but I imagine I'd go where I felt the most comfortable or interested.

 I think it's more likely people just gravitate towards the conversation or the seating arrangement that they feel comfortable with.

I agree with this.

But on the other hand, why have women come over to me when I was talking to men and said things to me like I must be bored.

It's nice that they are trying to be friendly, but why would they think I was bored?

Also, if it is a question of who you are comfortable with, you would think that after almost 5 years in the UK, you would think that every once in a while I would see another woman sit herself down in the middle of a group of men and start talking but it always seems to be just me.

I agree with this.

But on the other hand, why have women come over to me when I was talking to men and said things to me like I must be bored.

It's nice that they are trying to be friendly, but why would they think I was bored?

They're just being friendly, Sweetpeach.  They are extending the hand of friendship.

I know. But it seems like a weird way to do it. I don't think I would walk up to someone who was in the middle of a conversation with someone else and say "wouldn't you rather talk to me instead?" It is a way of being friendly, but it's just odd from my perspective (not that it's wrong).

I agree that it's just people talking to who they feel more comfortable with, but the fact that where I am from more people seemed comfortable talking to the opposite sex  and where I am now more people seem comfortable talking to the same sex says something in itself. I assume it has to do with the way people have been brought up to socialise since they were young.

Neither way is right or wrong. However, if you come from a culture where men and women naturally mingle to one where you usually see the men go off in one direction and women in another you are going to find it unusual.

Especially when you are new to another country and you are trying to learn how to behave (like learn how to hold a knife and fork correctly) by imitating the natives.  If you are the only one behaving in a certain way (the only woman with a group of men, the only person in the restaurant with the fork in her right hand), you are going to feel strange.

Since I've been here, I've felt "obligated" to go out of my way to make more women friends. My husband has been trying to get me to become friends with his friends' girlfriends and wives since I've been here. They are nice women and we are friendly towards each other, but there just isn't much of a connection.

Hmmm, interesting reading the different experiences and perspectives.  I don't think I've noticed the gender divide in the British people I know socially (the wives and girlfriends of my hubby's friends).  They are more the casual dressing outdoorsy types for the most part.  Little to no make-up, fleeces and walking boots even to go to the pub.  Compared to them I am the dressed-up one!  Conversations don't seem to be too gender-specific and guys / girls don't segregate.  

It's got me thinking of the dynamics of my friendships back in the US.  I had a few really close girlfriends that were like sisters to me.  The relationships weren't based on the fact that they were the spouse or girlfriend of my then husband's friends.  The relationships were based on similar interests and values.  (Music, etc.)  At work a lot of the gang was younger than me (college and post-college age) and I saw myself sort of as a big sister to all the guys and girls and hung out with everyone.  Again based on similar values and interests.

I have been here a bit over two years now and would say my closest friends are not my hubby's friend's SOs, but are one American and one Canadian--both women.  I'm getting closer to a couple British women, friendship seems to be based on similar values and proximity.
 

I've been in different places in South Buckinghamshire and now in Oxfordshire and I agree with Mindy - I don't know anyone like that either, thank goodness.

Might be true for South Bucks and Oxfordshire, but what the other person said is quite true for London and other cities and, I suspect, for South Bucks and Oxfordshire if you really looked around. There's not really social stigma about it. I mean, Britons have more sexual partners than anyone else in the developed world, according to many studies and they link that to the fact that promiscuity is more, but not totally, accepted in women as well as men in Britain - something different to many other countries where men are allowed to get around but women get rather harshly insulted for doing the same.

I see a lot of people saying "I never see people like that where I live in Camberley"

Oh there absolutey are many girls like that in Camberley!


And Peterm, I dont think its going to help anyone by turning this into a conversation about promiscuity, do you?