Thoughts on un-repatriating, and when living in the UK is miserable.

Background: I lived in England for 3 years with my boyfriend turned fiance turned husband. We repatriated to the US for a few reasons, mainly his job, my mom dying, and having babies. We moved to the US on a "5 year plan", agreeing to reevaluate things after 5 years to see which country we really wanted to stay in, since we love so much about both places (and alternately are annoyed by many things in both... such is the life I suppose!).

We have now lived back in the US for 4 years and are starting to rethink our move, and whether or not we wish to return to England. The reality is that if we did move back to England it wouldn't be until we were completely done having children, and it would be around 1-2 years away. But we are, as ever, planners. And thinkers. And so in the land of "what ifs" we've been really discussing thoroughly the reasons why I was unhappy the first time we lived in England, and how that would/could/wouldn't change if we were to do it a second time.

So I'm been reexamining my time in the UK and have found that the majority of my miserableness was preventable. And that is NOT to say I was mostly miserable, quite the contrary. I loved living there. But I found many aspects extremely difficult, and this (long) post is a sort of airing-out of those issues, as I'm sure it realtes to many mant many of you, particularly those of you who haven't been in the UK very long or are struggling and can't qutie figure out why.

1. Work
I worked 2 full time jobs while I was in the US, two jobs I adored. And It was a very long time indeed before I was able to get a job in England, so I went a long time being unemployed. And I never for once second considered the ramifications of that while I was preparing for my move. Going from Very Busy to Now What was extremely hard. Towards the end of my time in the Uk that got much easier because I found a groove, had begun making friends, had a child and the routines that go along with that. But initially I suffered from the loss of Purpose that comes with the loss of employment, and I wasn't ready for that.

2. Motive for the Move
The reality is that the only reason I moved to England was because it was the only way our relationship was going to work. In effect, I HAD to. He had the very good very stable job, I had the flexibility. It seemed the very obvious choice for me to come his way, and plus I was up for the adventure of it. But the reality is that I didn't choose to live in England really, i chose to live with this dude named David who happaned to live there. And I think a lot of times, when it is hard to adjust to England because of a situation like mine, it is easy to sort of feel like you are going to England to get the relatinoship secure (marriage, time, whatever), and to therefore not feel Permanently attached to the COUNTRY, just the man (or woman, but in my case it was a man so Ill stick with that). So part of the reason I never fully adjusted to English life is because English life wasn't what I was after, I hada  very narrow vision of what I wanted (him) and everything else was sort of on the side. And when you are talking immigration matters, that isn't a really good idea.

3. Medical Care
I had a horrendously traumatic time giving birth to my first son while in England, and swore I'd never do it again. Details aren't really important, and believe me in my many years on UKYankee I've been a part of my fair share of NHS arguments. but the truth is that if we have another baby we'll be having it here in the US, my opinion about that hasn't changed. BUT. If we were to move back? I'd be totally cool with the NHS. I hateed being in a ward (like, really hated it) but that isn't enough to make me stay away. But my experience early on really soured me, and of course made me unhappy. And I am sure that in the absence of a major medical drama, I'd have been a lot happier.

4. Mom
My mother was in the US dying of cancer while I lived in England. And no matter what kind of eternal sunshiney happiness I ran into in England, I was pretty much going to resent being away from her no matter what. The life of an international romance isn't always pretty, you are always away from someone you love. But this leads me to point number 5...

5. Maturity.
In a lot of ways I just wasn't very grown up when I was 23 and first starting out with David. It is almost imperative to be bold when moving across the world, to really make your place in your new life, force yourself to be friendly, be bold in learning new areas and ways of life, and to be persistent in that search for friends that is so important. And I just wasn't. I tried to make friends, but not very hard. And of course making friends is a lot like dating, and sometimes the boldness just doesn't come for it. I was naive in thinking the move wouldn't affect me very much, then felt resentful when it did. I didn't think I would be too homesick, then felt disappointed in myself when I was. My mom dying had a lot to do with it of course, and I know that you can not pick up sticks and move to the "other" country whenever a loved one is dying, but when you are in your 20s and having babies and losing your mom, it is different. But I am more grown up now, my FAMILY is now me, my husband and our 2 boys. WE are the family now, our little group of 4 is the heart of my life, and my original family - the brothers etc - are now still unbelievably important, but not who is at the core of my life. So it is different now.

6. Materialism
I got far too caught up in missing THINGS. I missed my couch. Target. (Oh how I pined for Target). I wanted the same deoderant I had used before. I wanted the familiarity of an American Mall, the items on the grocery store shelves, the contents of Walgreens. By letting myself get so wrapped up in what I MISSED, I wasn't giving my chance to fall in love with enough new things. I did of course fall in love with a lot - because as I said before my time in England was far from horrible and if there weren't a billion things I missed about it we wouldn't even be having this duscussion - but there was a part of me that just wasn't letting go of America's hand enough to fully adjust. This is, I believe largely because of my mom dying, so I don't really beat myself up about it. But this definitely *IS* something that would change this time around. To be bolder in what I cooked. Instead of missing the sheet section at Target, to find happiness in the exploration of all the places in England to find what I wanted. Instead of missing the convenience of America (which is ALL about convenience lets be honest), I'd allow myself to take life slower and stop COMPARING all the time. 

And I guess that sort of sums up why I wasn't very happy. I wasn't prepared, I was faced with some extraordinarily rough times which made the homesickness worse, I had a few bad experiences, I didn't really know what I was getting into... and then my husband's job tranferred him to the US anyway and here we are.

But in thinking about going back... and we are still FIRMLY in the "just thinking about it" stage... I know things would be different the second time around. I'd go into it knowing the learning curve can be long and hard, and to not beat myself up for not being one of the people who jsut adapt instantly. I'd go into it knowing that making friends was much more important than I thought, that keeping busy and getting involved with the community it crucial. I'd go into it knowing England isn't a fairy tale land. And I'd go into it knowing I'd struggle for a while. And that struggling is okay. And that transitions are rarely easy, but almost always worth it. And instead of comparing everything all the time, I'd make MUCH more of an effort to look on the bright side of things, to appreciate what I HAVE isntead of what I don't, and to just generally make more of an EFFORT to seek out the happiness I deserved rather than just expecting it to magically happen for me.

So! Who knows. Maybe we'll move back, maybe we won't... it is alrgely out of our hands because of my husbands job but we'll never say never. But just talking about it has felt quite good, he and I both are putting a lot of thought into what we love about each palce, what aspects we think would be best for our kids.... and instead of feeling like Oh Crap I can't believe we have to make this huge decision between two great countries... we're trying to think of it as Ho crazy unbelievably LUCKY are we that we get to choose at all??

Very lucky indeed.    

Brilliant post Sara... Brilliant. 

What a great post Sara.

I'm only a couple months into my repatriation and I am still definitely feeling like a fish out of water.

One thing I *do* know, though, is that we have no idea where we may end up in 2 years. We are in the US because my DH has a post-doc with the Smithsonian. After that, we'll have to go where he can get a job. Given the state of the world's economies, that could be right here, back in the UK, Amsterdam, or who knows where else. I am having to come to terms with the fact that I may never feel completely at home anywhere anymore.

I've got a sick kid today, so can't write more... but this thread is great food for thought!

balmerhon this is totally off topic but it must be said - I giggle every time i see your profile picture because to me it looks like he is free-falling and dropping from the heavens sideways clutching the earth.


Perhaps the benefit of not feeling truly at home in one place is that you can make a home anywhere, which surely is a good thing.

Perhaps the benefit of not feeling truly at home in one place is that you can make a home anywhere, which surely is a good thing.

The one thing I've learned in all the moving around we've done is that a physical home is fleeting.  My family and I  have found our home being together and in really simple little things, it's definitely not the house, or country for that matter.  The stability is within us, not caught up in a physical thing.

I do miss living in a place that I feel in my bones though, and knowing my kids will never, ever feel that, is kind of sad.  Still, they've had a heck of a growing up and what they have, they'll carry with them forever. 

Now having lived in both places, you can make an informed decision - you'll get a do-over! 

I could have written a lot of your post, Marlespo! I lived in the UK 10 years ago just to be with my husband and I was pining to go back to America almost as soon as I got here. Two years later I was back in the US with my newly expanded family of 4. Now we're back in the UK after having spent 8.5 years in the US. What I discovered about myself is that I wasn't very mature. You hit the nail on the head, I too was too wrapped up in missing what was familiar to explore and enjoy the new things. And I was too materialistic, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I wanted a big house to put it all in. I've matured a lot since my first days in the UK. What I discovered is yeah, things are a lot less expensive in the US but I would constantly buy way too many things and all it led to was clutter and debt. So now we're back in the UK and I really do enjoy the simplicity of life here. I'm no longer bothered by not having everything accessible 24/7 as really I'd rather be home chilling out with my family. I love Amazon's prime delivery service ... almost anything I order I can get the next day and I don't have to leave the house. To me that's better than having stores that never seem to close! I will admit that I miss Target ... a lot! (my wallet's happier though!) I also desperately miss my big walk-in closets.

I haven't been too homesick for America this time around and I've been here since the summer. I'm actually going leaving for the states tomorrow to visit my family. (provided Heathrow is back in business) Here's what's worrying me about my trip. I'm really worried that I'll be lured and seduced by the consumerism/materialism and that I'll come back to the UK pining away for my American life again. I try to be logical about it saying to myself if all that gets to me is the material stuff it really doesn't matter.

I do have to admit though that I don't feel rooted here in the UK yet. I love being here, I love our life here, but it's not quite feeling like home yet. And I could move back to the US right now and still feel the same way. I don't like that feeling. And I really hope that soon I'll start to feel at home here in the UK and feel rooted. Both places are great, sometimes for the same reasons and sometimes for very different reasons. And I think I'll always feel torn between the two for as long as I live. But I suppose people who have lived in two very different parts of US might feel that way as well. It's just that I've never experienced anything like this before as when I've lived in the states, I only lived in one specific area.

Perhaps i have my rose tinted specs on but as a UK citizen, i could not for the life of me understand how someone who has the right to live and work in the US,would want to do the same in the UK.

Seems like a no brainer to me but hey,what do i know?

The one thing I've learned in all the moving around we've done is that a physical home is fleeting.  My family and I  have found our home being together and in really simple little things, it's definitely not the house, or country for that matter.  The stability is within us, not caught up in a physical thing.

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

Though I have found that liking the place where you live helps and I love where I live now. It is a second home to me.

It is a privilege to have these options, really.

Sara I've really enjoyed reading your post.  You've got a lot to think about, especially since you will be returning with a family and school will be a large part of the equation.  There are negatives and postives about both education systems and so much will depend upon where you live in whatever country you decide on but at the end of the day there are very highly educated people on both sides of the Atlantic.
Having re-patriated to the States twice in my life and having many friends both British and American who have re-patriated to their 'home' countries it is not always as one would expect.  Old friends will have moved on, have new friends, new family etc. so things will not be the same.  This can be difficult for some people to cope with if they are unprepared.
You can also view this move as temporary as you will always have the option to move back to the States or anywhere else in the world for that matter.  this could be another chapter in your life.

Here's what's worrying me about my trip. I'm really worried that I'll be lured and seduced by the consumerism/materialism and that I'll come back to the UK pining away for my American life again. I try to be logical about it saying to myself if all that gets to me is the material stuff it really doesn't matter.

/quote]

Or you might just wonder why does anyone would need or even want a 32 oz coke to carry around the shopping mall or airport, you may wonder why restaurants put so much food on the plate when you can't possibly eat it all and you may wonder why on earth anyone would need all that stuff.  For me returning to the States is a wonderful time, I just love the customer service and convenience and choice but I also find some things very frustrating an example being trying to book my son on a tour of a college campus while in the States last summer and not being able to do it on-line because there was no provision for international students where the website asked for current high school, yet the site did ask if you were an international student.  Without the high school the website would not let you continue.  
You will go back and see things through different eyes.

Did your post ever hit a raw nerve!

I've been in the UK about 3 years and made making friends and creating networks my number 1 priority in the first 18 months. (Without kids, that was possible.) Got seriously involved with a guy (the one who proposed but didn't tell anyone) only to have it not work out. Work hasn't worked out, either, just not being able to find enough. So a huge decision whether to keep at it, change the visa, or give up and go back home.

Last night a friend got me tickets to a folk concert. The guy was singing a really lovely tune, and all of a sudden it hit me in a visceral that THIS is home now. Yeah, romance hasn't worked out ...yet. Work hasn't worked out...yet. But I love that simplicity of life, how people have time for each other, how you CAN build up a good network of friends who really are supportive, who aren't too busy. There's a quality of life, a heart here, that is positively nourishing. I actually enjoy not having the material stuff or the pressure to have it -- it is quite a relief to have a small home, basic car, basic stuff, and have that be normal.

Guess all that rambling is saying that home IS where the heart is. Do you have a clear idea of where that is? If it's with your family, then as others have said, it doesn't really matter which place you are in. As for your speciific issues... Work -- any chance you could have a home-based business? Health -- Some friends of mine have gotten private health insurance here in the UK to take the edge off and have been really happy with it.

As far as making friends, do you have a spiritual community? I found that absolutely central to networking in all kinds of areas. But probably most any small-ish group that you'd be committed to going to on a weekly basis would help in creating friends and contacts.

balmerhon this is totally off topic but it must be said - I giggle every time i see your profile picture because to me it looks like he is free-falling and dropping from the heavens sideways clutching the earth.

LOL! I do love that pic - here it is larger so you can see he's just showing off his new-found footie skills!

But, back to topic...

Like you, medical care is a huge issue for me. While I also had a traumatic first birth, I think the NHS was great for me then - though I *really* hated the wards as well. But, I've just been provisionally diagnosed with Lyme Disease and rock bottom Vit D levels. I'm pretty sure that in the UK I would have spent months being told to take paracetamol, see a physio, etc. And if these diagnoses stick with me, I worry about the care I might get over there (Lyme is still not that prevalent in England).

One thing I do know is how BLOODY hard I will have to work at making friends if I go back to the UK. Even with kids I found it hard. 

I thought that this was a very good & thoughtful post, Marlespo.  Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hoping it's okay for a non-repatriated one to put her 2p in here?  I thought I might respond, FWIW, from my perspective as someone who feels pretty happy & settled over here, and we've no plans to ever repatriate - as I think you brought up a number of key issues, and this has been my experience with each one.

1. Work - I definitely felt that loss of purpose here, because I really liked the job I had in the US and haven't found anything here that I like as well.  Work is still a struggle for me, but my view is - finding a job I like (or can tolerate) really has ultimately very little to do with a US vs UK issue, it's just a matter of finding the right job (here or there).  I've had crap jobs on both sides of the Atlantic.  However, I've made good friends at work, and through UK Yankee (I don't have kids so I don't really meet people in that context) - and so my social life with my friends is far more meaningful to me here whereas work was more meaningful in the US (and I think the latter is the wrong-way-round).  Thing is, my hubby is well situated in his career, so there's less pressure on me work-wise & that's giving me the space to contemplate what I really want to be doing work-wise & I might well end up going back to school, retraining, launching a new dream, etc.

2. Motive for the move - my motive was the same as yours (a man I wanted to be with)!  He had the stable, well paid job, and he didn't want to move to the US.  I wanted adventure & travel, but I'd never had the desire to live in England, in particular, nor really any concept of what that would be like.  But because I knew that he didn't have any desire for living in the US, I did feel that upon moving - this was a permanent thing and was going to be my home now, full stop.  Fortunately, I do like where we live (except the weather), and it's probably a bit of a secret, but I'm one of Yorkshire's biggest fans. 

3. Medical care - I've been satisfied for the most part with the medical care I've received on the NHS.  I had developed a blood pressure condition in the US before I moved, so I was under a doctor's care there, and my GP here picked up with the treatment plan same-same & that's all been fine.  I do worry about what it would be like if I ever had to spend time in a hospital, but I suppose we'll have to take that as it comes.  I have never been hospitalised - here or there.  I spent a lot of time in hospital waiting rooms in the US throughout my childhood & onward, because of my parents' illnesses & as a result, I'm afraid of hospitals, in general.  I do believe there is a slightly different ethos & approach to medical care here vs there.  The US = the best health care that money can buy, which is great if you have money/insurance & also if you need state-of-the-art life-saving treatment - which unfortunately even that isn't always enough to save some lives.  (I have also personally witnessed shockingly poor standards of care in the US in some of my family's and friends' experiences, which is a double-outrage when you consider the cost.)  The UK = maybe not the best of the best, but everyone is guaranteed a basic standard of care.  I have to accept that with the latter (which I prefer), it may be that I don't get the best of the best someday when I or a family member might badly need it.  But I've seen a lot of long & hard illness & suffering in my lifetime (among my family members), and for me - the jury is out on whether modern medicine as we know it is always the best thing (in terms of prolonging life where maybe a more timely death would have meant less pain and suffering).  I know my view is probably a controversial one at best & I'm not looking to spark any arguments with anyone, it's just my view, my opinion.  And I certainly do think that individuals should be able to get the care they want & need, when they want & need it.    (also please bear in mind that I've no experience of pregnancy & childbirth, my thoughts & opinions are from the perspective of someone who's witnessed a lot of illness & suffering in age)

4. Mom - yes, it's very hard to be apart from ones you love, and particularly when they are ill and dying.  My situation was completely different from yours, and if I'd had the mother-daughter relationship you had, my choice may have been different.  My mom just died at Christmas time, and it was (and is) very hard & very painful as I was not with her when she died.  But my focus as an adult has been that I had to do my level best to make a happy, healthy life for myself - and being in England with DH has helped me immensely in that regard.  Again, completely different set of circumstances for me, from my childhood up until this point.

5. Maturity - I think I was lucky in this regard, moving here when I was 40 years old.  In some ways, it was hard - 'can't teach an old dog new tricks' and all that.  But I kind of expected it to be hard, and also I didn't expect it to be 'normal life' overnight.  I had uprooted my life once already before, moving from Kansas to Florida, and it took nearly 5 years before I felt really settled in there (by which time I was about to move again!).  As a result, I expected this transition to take even longer before I'd feel at home.  Instead, it took less time!  About 2-3 years.  There were a lot of long, lonely, homesick-for-the-US, will-I-never-make-any-friends?, days in the first couple of years, but both DH and I kept telling myself that it wouldn't always be like that, to be patient, and to keep trying and these things would fall into place.  And they did.

6. Materialism - again, I feel fortunate on this one, because neither DH nor I am especially materialistic.  In fact, I'd prefer to have less stuff, not more.  Stuff stresses me out.  The thing that bugged me in the early days was not knowing what I could buy where.  Like you know if you go to Wal-Mart or Target, you can find anything you need there & get it all in one stop (groceries, automotive, clothes, tools, pharmacy, health & beauty, crafts, etc etc etc).  Here I was clueless, but again that comes with time & experience.  I am still in awe when I go back to the US - and Wal-Mart is enormous & overwhelming with all its stuff, all the choices, etc etc.  I do think that shopping here in general can be much more personal in interaction - like we go to our local butcher & he knows us, same thing with the green grocer, etc.  That's really nice vs being just another one of the nameless, faceless throng that floods Wal-Mart or Target.

Anyway, those are my experiences & opinions as someone who has happily stayed put in the UK. 

What a fantastic thread!

What a fantastic thread!

Whoa, haven't seen you around these parts for a long while?! 

AmericanMum, are you back from your trip back to the US yet? I'd be interested to hear how it worked out...