Thoughts on un-repatriating, and when living in the UK is miserable.

AmericanMum, are you back from your trip back to the US yet? I'd be interested to hear how it worked out...

Thanks for asking! I'm still visiting my family in Florida which is a new thing to do since my mom recently remarried and her husband is a snowbird. I'll admit the sunshine and warm weather is tempting me something awful. But I'm so tired of anytime we want to do something, go get something, go out to eat ... it involves driving and lots of it. I think we spend more time in the car than anywhere else.

I'm overwhelmed when I go into the big stores here. I'm overwhelmed by the exhaustive menus and having to make a choice on what to order. And I'm overwhelmed by the huge quantities of food that are laid before me when we eat out.

If it weren't for the beaches and warm weather, I'd be ready to go back to the UK right now. But I still have more beaches to visit and I need to work more on my tan.

I sobbed while reading your post, Marlespo.  Aside from the terrible loss of your mother and having your son, we've been through the SAME THINGS here.  From job I loved to no job at all, to coming here because of a guy --named David, as well-- to my grandfather dying in the US, and missing material things, I could've written that post.  Nowhere near as paced and lovely as yours, but near enough the same experiences.  I've been struggling with this for two years, and to have come across your post and read it tonight, I'm a ball of tears.

A GOOD ball of tears, for the most part, but nonetheless, still a ball of tears.  Your part about not "letting go of America's hand to fully adjust" really struck home, too.

After I read that, I asked David to read it, too.  He instantly recognized the similarities between your experience and mine.  It led to some really great discussion between the two of us, where I really had to admit to myself that a lot of my slow pace to adjusting is partly my doing.

Wow, I'm still in shock from having found THE MOST COMFORTING WORDS OF EXPERIENCE I've read since moving here.

Thank you SO MUCH for that post. Thank you.

Well I'm really glad it struck a chord, that was the whole reason I posted it because I hoped someone would relate. I can look back on my time there and clearly see what I'd have needed to change if I was to stay. And what I'll need to change if we ever move back. So I'm glad I could help a little. *hug*

I just saw this but I wanted to say what a good thread it is.  There's some thoughtful and useful perspective here.

this is hugely helpful to me as i prepare to move over and join my boyfriend (a david, as well!).  even though i haven't made the move yet, i can already recognize myself in this post and this was a good reminder that i will have to be sure to be more active in my happiness once i move. 

Thank you for writing this, I agree, it has some great points.  My DW (a Brit) and I still live in the US and I think she is feeling almost to the TEE that you felt there. Including her Mum, who is not doing well at all.  Your story translates to both sides.  I see in her the "missing" things so much she cannot see what is right in front of her.  
Thank you.

I didn't have much trouble adjusting the 1st time in UK but thoughts of moving back once again is sending me into nervous breakdown territory!  Maybe its just old age 

Fantastic post. Really got me to think why am I really so un-happy here. Although I have my reasons and I still want to go home and prefer it there than here. I am not young but I liked the idea of wanting the ability to see another country and how things are outside the U.S.

What I wasn't prepared for were my expectations. I do not think they are out of sink but moving here and seeing with wide open eye balls WOW. Wow in not such a good way for me. The charm has worn off and so are the rose colored glasses I wore when I arrived. Reality set in.

I had my own business that I loved and gave up to come here. After 8 months I finally found a job, nothing great but it gets me out of the house. The horrible treatment of employees and the supervisors expectations of you and horrible pay slapped me in the face hard. Even my husband gets treated horrible with great disrespect for each other.

It's not even about the low pay it is more about why on earth do they feel the need to treat you like you are a rodent. I see that everywhere here.

Labor laws? They exist but no one implements them. Expected to work 48 hours a week for low wages. We may have worked 50 hours a week in the U.S. but you got paid over-time and double time on holidays. If not you reported them and something got done about it.

The materialistic side I accepted, and I am ok with the downsizing part and can actually laugh about it now. But two-faced behavior here is something I am so not used to at all. Where I came from people told you like it was. Here you have no idea where you stand with anyone. Nice to your face but look out.

The typical complaint I am sure is always the weather. Which won't ruin your life but it takes a hold of you enough to affect your mood and the ability to really enjoy being outside without it always being muddy, rainy well you know the rest.

The constant rudeness when ever you call your bank or anything that has to deal with customer service. I am appalled really. Not to mention they charge you for the call on top of being extremely rude and un helpful most of the time. That one is tough for me to just accept. You do not need to be so rude or disrespectful towards people do you?

I agree where the U.S. is very materialistic and friendships are on the surface at best. But here I have found it very difficult to make friends because you are an immigrant afterall. I have made a few and good ones. It took some hard work on my part though.

I have dealt with the NHS and I laughed when one commented to the fact they tell you like a script in a movie, take Paracetamol and go home. That is their cure for anything here it appears. I had my tooth surgically removed without anything for the pain. I feel like when I go to the NHS it is no different then seeing my vet in the states. I'll happily pay extra for proper Health Care in the U.S. even though when I lived in the U.S. I whined about the cost and now have learned you get what you pay for.

I guess it really boils down to what you can deal with and what to you is more important. I will never fit in here and with all the screaming about immigrants stealing British jobs just makes me want to go home even more. (yeah I know they do it there too) Its tough, really tough to figure out what is the right thing and proper thing to do for yourselves.

I sincerely respect this post. I will keep considering everything said here to make sure I am not missing more important issues. I have been here now a year and even though it is a bit better than when I first arrived its not by much. Maybe this takes more time or maybe it never will for me. I still have my plan B, just not sure when i will use it and that is go straight home and start over.

When I call my bank (Natwest) I get very polite and friendly treatment, and the people where I work are so very friendly and nice. Not everybody in the UK is like cricket describes.
In fact I don't recognise the place from his/her post. I had a detached retina diagnosed and the NHS operated 10 days later.

Maybe it is my location. And you are right it isn't everyone but quit a few. Enough to put me off. So like in the U.S. there are better places then others.

I do quit a lot of queries for work and the majority of those vendors are quit rude. So I don't know. For now I may chalk it up to where I live. Still trying to adjust.

Like most countries, I think people are nicer outside of the big cities. I live in Bristol, and I would hate to live in London.

When I call my bank (Natwest) I get very polite and friendly treatment,

I have been dealing with Natwest since August on some errors they made.  I would love to speak to those polite and friendly Natwest people you have.

I have been dealing with Natwest since August on some errors they made.  I would love to speak to those polite and friendly Natwest people you have.

I speak as I find. I do think that if you are pleasant and non-confrontational with customer service people then you get the best out of them. Of course, every organisation has its bad apples.

I could have written much of your post Sara (but probably not as well, lol ).

You may or may not recall the emotional rollercoaster I was on during the time just before and after repatriating back in 2004.  I felt one step out of sync in England and one step out of sync here in the US.

Like you, I lost both my father and my grandfather (who raised me) while living in England.  DH was involved in two start up businesses at the time.  My oldest son was a toddler and I was pregnant with my little guy.  Money and time were both tight and I didn't have the opportunity to travel to the US as I felt I needed.

At the time, I grew resentful.  Moving back to US without my grandfather and dad here made me grieve all over again.  I was so confused and blamed DH for being "stuck" in England. 

Thankfully, I had lots of friends and really made a life for myself, the kids and us.  Getting out and doing things was my saving grace.  But it sure was tough for the last few years, and the hangover that remained for a while upon our return to the US.

But to sum it up, you are right.  It's hard to fully understand and prepare yourself for life abroad.  I moved to be with my husband, not to "live abroad".   The challenges and dynamics of being an international couple are immense.

I don't know if we'll ever return to the UK.  We certainly haven't ruled it out.  There's always the possibility that DH could be transferred there  (Ironically, the people who's house we bought when we moved last summer, work for the same company and were transferred to England!)

Though it's not in our radar, if it came up, we'd never say never.

*Edited to add:...  I often forget that during my eight years in England, I didn't know any other Americans.  I was there from '96-04.  During my early days, the internet wasn't what it is today.  I remember looking for American groups, but it was before  UKY was around and I didn't find anything.   THen I got wrapped up in kids, DH's businesses, etc. and it never occurred to me to look again as my life there was established.  I actually found UKY a few months before leaving England while searching for info for filing the petition paperwork for DH's visa...

...sometimes I wonder if I'd found UKY earlier or met other Americans, if it would have made a difference by having people around to relate to.   

I'd like to echo the sentiments of those who have said that this is a very interesting and helpful discussion -- I'm a Brit in the US (10 yrs) and pondering a move back to the UK with my US wife and two kids (5yrs & 20mos.) I think it's really important to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect place: if there were, then it would be horribly crowded because everyone would want to live there.