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Topic: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!  (Read 7398 times)

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DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« on: February 06, 2009, 03:02:07 PM »
First let me start by saying this is not meant in any way to gripe about my husband. I'm just honestly looking for advice or thoughts on anyone who might have been in this situation, as I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I love my husband to pieces, but his unemployment is really starting to grate my nerves. He was originally made redundant from a job in September, after I arrived in the UK just in August '08. Basically it was "last in, first out" kind of thing and totally due to the work-load decreasing. He found another job within about 4 weeks or so and everything was fine. He really didn't care much for the place or the late hours, but since we were about to be married and he was the only one working, he didn't have much of a choice. Then, a week after our wedding in November, he is made redundant from this job...this time it was more to do with him not picking up his work load quickly enough (he had worked for this company before but it had been a few years since he had used that type of machine and he couldn't get into the swing of things again). I also think the fact that he wasn't too happy there didn't help matters.

Of course, he's thinking, no biggie...he will have a job in a few weeks time again. Meanwhile, I got my FLR(M) and started working day-to-day supply teaching jobs. Up through Christmas I only had about 6-days worth of work, but supply teaching pays £110/day and I get a bit of tax relief for expenses like petrol...so the money is decent enough if I get 2-3 days/week. His sister was concerned if he was even looking for work, and to be fair, he had signed on to 3-4 different agencies as well as got on jobseekers (which doesn't pay the cost of living). He had also put in some apps online as well. But I did joke with her that he might be enjoying his little "vacation" too much to put in a whole lot of effort. The thing that started to bother me is that he has never had a very pro-active stance on things and tends to "wait to be called" instead of chasing things up.

I let it go through the holidays, and now we've been through all of January and still...nothing. Only now, I'm noticing more and more that he isn't applying for things every day, he's still not really chasing things up (unless I nag him, which I swore I would never do), and he seems quite content to stay up all night and play Xbox or PC games and then sleep through most of the day (it's 2:45pm now and he's still asleep despite me telling him 3x since noon to please get up). The only time I notice him looking online for jobs is after I had said something, and even then, I wonder if he's still being a bit picky by not choosing certain jobs because of late hours (even though I assured him it wouldn't be permanent).

I'm really at my wits end because although things are barely getting paid on my wages now, we're still clearing up his accounts in arrears here and none of my things in the states are being taken care of like a small balance credit card and one of my student loans which has exceeded it's forbearance period. Plus, we need to have money by March or April for the rest of my belongings to be shipped over -- and I don't see that happening on just my wages.

I don't know what else to do. I try to be encouraging and suggest jobs to him here and there, but there always seems to be an excuse. All my life I dealt with my dad being out of work and quite honestly being lazy and I don't want to have a repeat of history. I know the economy is crap now and lots of people are out of work and struggling, but he hasn't even managed to land ONE interview. There's got to be SOMETHING he can do...but I'm still not familiar enough with things here to make any more suggestions to him.

This all boils down to the fact that I love him more than anything and I worry for him. He's a good man, intelligent, and he's good to me and I don't want this issue to start causing huge arguments for us. I honestly think sometimes he just doesn't give himself enough credit for what he is capable of. How do I tactfully help him become more pro-active? Am I doing something wrong here -- being too soft on him? Please, HELP!!
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2009, 03:19:05 PM »
Do you think that it might be the case that he is depressed?  This is often a result of redundancy and a general 'can't be arsed' malaise is often a good indication?

Vicky


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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2009, 03:33:38 PM »
Do you think that it might be the case that he is depressed?  This is often a result of redundancy and a general 'can't be arsed' malaise is often a good indication?

Vicky


That was gonna be my suggestion. Do you think he'd be amenable to seeing his GP to get checked out?
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2009, 03:45:17 PM »
Its tough to motivate yourself to get a new job too when the last few he's not liked... 

What does he want to do for a living? Would he be willing to work another kind of job for a while to bring money into the house until something comes along or he can get more training, etc?


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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2009, 03:52:16 PM »
And not to defend your husband at all (the sleeping all day and playing games all night is a sign of depression IMHO), but the economy isn't helping at all. There aren't that many jobs to find, and lots of people competing for them.

But I think almost everyone is having to re-evaluate previously made plans and expectations for the coming year. We also have things to ship (to the US) but it's looking like we'll have to postpone that for longer than we had hoped...
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~ John Lennon


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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2009, 05:32:06 PM »
Do you think that it might be the case that he is depressed?  This is often a result of redundancy and a general 'can't be arsed' malaise is often a good indication?

Vicky

See, that is what I have been wondering myself. Although it also seems his "m.o." when out of work is to do the same, according to his sister. He's very laid-back anyway and obviously this is the first time he and I have lived together (with me having just moved in August). I guess I didn't realize HOW laid-back he was, but I was also concerned that it has been getting to him. He even said to me this week that normally the jobcentre or an agency find him work by now...but then I pointed out that the economy has been slowly going downhill.

His work for the past 5 years or so has been in factories running laser machines, which he has learned a lot more from. He is very talented at what he does. But he also builds and repairs PCs and does a lot with networking as a side hobby as well. He's very computer literate but is self-taught in this area so he doesn't have any proper qualifications for it and was looking into starting a Microsoft course of some sort so he could get a qualification. The only problem now is coming up with the extra money to fund that. I think he's okay with the idea of doing something else, but when he searches for jobs, he mostly looks for warehouse type work.

I totally agree that with the economy the way it is it is very tough to motivate oneself to get a new job, which is why I wondered if there was anything more anyone could suggest that I do, as his spouse. I wouldn't know how to go about suggesting that he see a GP for depression issues, but like I said, it has crossed my mind.

I'm unbelievably frustrated myself as I was once so eager to get working since living here, and now, I'm the only one, so it puts a lot of pressure on me to earn as well...and I can only do so much since I don't have a car of my own. He's equally as frustrated because he wants to be able to provide as well and I know it's not his fault that things are the way they are.

He is used to keeping late hours from when we didn't live together because he would come home late night or early morning, stay up a few extra hours and then sleep until mid-day until it was time to go to work...but it seems he just can't get out of that habit. Where this is potentially hurting us is that he takes me to work now (he insists this rather than me take a bus or train, even though it would be cheaper) and sometimes when I get up on a morning and get ready, he is difficult to wake and get out the door on time, thus making ME late for work...which isn't good when I am relied upon for cover of absent teachers, etc.

He's close with his family and I've wondered if it would be an idea to get them involved or not, for support? They ultimately know how he is at the end of the day, but I don't want to make it seem like I have gone behind his back. I really just want to do whatever necessary to help him to help himself.

ETA: Part of me wonders if he is really just starting to get comfortable with just me working since we're technically getting by (so long as I get work 4-5 days a week).
« Last Edit: February 06, 2009, 05:34:47 PM by LoveMyBrit »
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2009, 05:39:32 PM »
My DH's natural body clock is late night, late mornings. Unfortunately, he HAD to stop and join the rest of the world. I relied on him to take me to the train (I was teaching at Uni) and he was always a nightmare to get up and I almost missed my train a few times.

I can't offer much advice though, it's actually our kids who have put him on a more normal schedule. A yelling toddler at 7 am did the trick for me!
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2009, 05:47:27 PM »
LMB,

Does he pick up the slack around the house since you're the one working? Dishes, laundry, cooking, that kind of thing?
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2009, 05:55:05 PM »
What you said about him not giving himself enough credit for what he is capable of, that is my husband to a T.  For months and months he wouldn't apply for jobs he certainly would have been able to do, and he never had a good reason for it.  He would start applications and not finish them, even though I offered to help and gave all kinds of suggestions and support, until finally he just refused to consider most jobs.  It drove me crazy.  

I think there are two reasons for my husband's behavior.  One is that he is not terribly ambitious.  He just wants a steady job that he doesn't hate and that doesn't demand too much from him.  I kept trying to encourage him to find something he could be passionate about, but that's just not a factor for him.  I think often Americans are raised to believe that we have to go all-out for our careers and love them and throw ourselves into them.  I was trying to help him feel that way about something, but that really wasn't what he wanted.  The other reason is that he wasn't very confident in his abilities, not a "self-promoter," and definitely not aggressive.  The applications all wanted him to write a bunch of nonsense about "a time when you showed leadership skills" or similar when he was applying for some entry-level position that would never require leadership, but that he would have been excellent at.  I just make something up when I have to answer questions like that, but he really couldn't answer them, and they just made him feel frustrated and useless.  Even if your husband is normally confident, months of unemployment and failed applications can make anyone doubt himself/herself.  

I agree with that there's probably an element of depression as well.  Speaking now as someone who has always struggled to find work, I think what your husband needs most is a schedule.  It is hard to get out of the staying-up-all-night-sleeping-all-day routine once you get into it, but living like that just makes things worse.  Could you encourage him to do some volunteering or even to go to the library and use the computers there to look for jobs, rather than staying home, just to get him up in the morning and out of the house.  He needs a purpose in his life other than job searching.  

I know it's really hard for you, and for him too.  I hope that things get better soon.   [smiley=hug.gif]
« Last Edit: February 06, 2009, 06:00:02 PM by historyenne »
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2009, 06:17:49 PM »
I'm sorry you're going through this bad time. I'm not sure I can offer much advice, but I can relate my husband's experience of looking for a new job. He's been looking since last summer - not because of necessity (thankfully!!) but for a change. He is ace at what he does, has great references etc, but despite applying for ~50 jobs he has not had a single interview yet - a few calls, but no real leads. It's really, really tough out there right now.

Would your husband consider doing something else in the short-term - like working in a shop or something unrelated to his previous career - until something better comes along? Maybe if you approached him in a non-accusatory way and said that you were feeling stressed out about money and would he consider something temporary, it might make him want to do something brave to make you happy.


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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2009, 12:16:58 AM »
To be honest..I think everyone has pretty much summed it up for you.  It sounds as tho his confidence has been really knocked.  He probably also feels a little bit of a let down husband, being that your a newly wed couple etc..probably thinks you are not happy with the life you currently have / he is providing.  :(

I think its best to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and bring this to the surface.  He could be completely oblivious as to whats happening to him ( another side to depression is denial ) and perhaps you need to push it forward so he gets himself sorted or puts the negative energy into positive.

I would try and do it very tactfully to avoid a argument.  Might be worth saying to him that you would like a quite night in with him...no telly...etc...just drink, nice food, some quiet music and have a general chat...

Hope it gets better   :)
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2009, 02:09:06 AM »
Thanks everyone, honestly. I appreciate all your thoughts, even if you were just empathizing with the situation. I know I'm not the only person in this country or the world for that matter, dealing with this so I try to stay positive and supportive for his sake as much as I can. He knows I love him more than anything and I don't feel as though he isn't providing because he doesn't want to...the situation for the most part is beyond his control. We talked a bit tonight even and he said "I'm sorry things are like this." I just keep telling him that we have each other and that is the most important thing.

I may have convinced him to start looking for work outside his typical "warehouse" searches. I tried to point out that anything at least TWICE what he's making on jobseekers is better than what they allocate for him. I think he's just tired of working late hours now that I am finally here in the country with him and in the same timezone -- he doesn't like to leave me alone for that time. I managed to get a number from a fellow expat who's husband works in IT, a field my hubby is quite passionate about, and I think he may ring him this week to get info on how to start getting a proper qualification and even working odd jobs if needed to fund it.

I'm not saying he isn't a hard worker...but he's quite used to things just falling into place and always landing on his feet. The economy at the moment have changed the playing field a bit this time, I think. I on the other hand, am used togrowing up in a home where my dad was always behind on bills and creditors chasing him to the point he lost our car and our house. I was determined to not be like that, whatever it took...so I put myself through school, without any family help, and worked full time all the way through until I got my teaching degree. I found that unless I was assertive and fought for what I wanted, people (prospective employers included) would walk all over me and not give me the time of day. I struggle to get this point across to him that it would benefit him to be more pro-active.

Perhaps I needed a bit of a vent session as well and since I don't have many friends here yet (in this country) that I feel comfortable sharing this with, nor my family back home (who wants to admit they're having financial problems)...it's just been a lot to handle on top of trying to adjust to my new life here.

But hopefully things will start to look up soon...and again, I truly appreciate everyone's responses.  :) Not entirely sure what I would do without UKY. Hehe.
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2009, 02:15:40 AM »
LMB,

Does he pick up the slack around the house since you're the one working? Dishes, laundry, cooking, that kind of thing?

Almost missed this one...we both are quite 50/50 on this. We share the responsibility equally for the most part...although things can get a bit lax as well. I can be at work all day and get home, feeling exhausted (as anyone would with 30+ children in their classrooms) and he will say to me "what are you making for tea?" Haha, but don't take that like it's a common occurance...I don't mind, really. It's mainly the finding the job part or at least trying to get an interview I am worried about. I just want him to do what he says he will do and follow up on places rather than sit and wait for them to call.

Working on it though.
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2009, 10:30:30 AM »
Perhaps I needed a bit of a vent session as well and since I don't have many friends here yet (in this country) that I feel comfortable sharing this with, nor my family back home (who wants to admit they're having financial problems)...it's just been a lot to handle on top of trying to adjust to my new life here.

Oh, I totally get that.  Things haven't been so great for us on the work/money front, either, but I really try not to talk about that when chatting with my parents.  And all my friends in whom I actually confide are back in the US.  It won't always be that way, but that's definitely the way it is for now.  Best of luck getting your situation sorted out.
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Re: DH is STILL out of work...it has now been 3 mos!
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2009, 11:10:11 AM »
I hope everything works out for you.  I have been where your husband is (luckily had savings to squander and was single at the time) and it is hard.

Just one thing....I think you mentioned talking to his family, and I really wouldn't.  You need to talk to him first.

Vicky


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