Worse Than An IA

This is the first time I've been alone since the day I got the diagnosis. I did very well this weekend. Made a lot of jokes (it's how I cope)... I was very depressed Saturday morning, until I spoke to my parents. Then I was like a new person, and I felt okay on Sunday, too. But now I'm regretting not trying harder to get work for the day. I only called 1 of my 8 agencies (the one that a certain school uses who requests me most days) to say I was available for work, because I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to handle a new school. Now I'm regretting that. If I was teaching today, I would be able to take my mind off of it.

My emotions are so unpredictable. I'm going from being fine, happy even - and thinking "I finally know what's causing this, and it could be worse," to feeling completely depressed. Right now I feel like I have just come to a screeching hault while everyone around me is going on with their life as normal. I don't think I ever let myself believe that the cause of the numbness would be something serious. I wasn't the least bit prepared to hear bad news... And now I just don't really know what to do with myself or how to feel.

I am so sorry to hear your news, princesslemons!  I think that everything you are feeling is completely normal though - not sure if that's any comfort, however.  A good friend of mine here (at work) - her partner has MS.  Once upon a time, when I was an young teenager, they thought my mom maybe had MS but she ended up having something else more ambiguous (cerebellar ataxia).  Hoping you will avail yourself of any support networks that are out here & there. 

I think your feelings are very normal PL.  You're allowed to grieve, its all difficult to process when you find stuff out like that.  Be good to yourself.  

It is really sad to hear about this. I think your emotions would be normal but this is coming from someone who cannot imagine what you are going through.

Could you call the school and speak with them about your change of mind about a new school? That is if you are up to it.

But keep on speaking with people in here and elsewhere. They seem to have a lot of support and experience. I wish I could offer better words of encouragement.

Could you call the school and speak with them about your change of mind about a new school? That is if you are up to it.

It's too late. All the agencies would have sent supply teachers in by now since school started 20 minutes ago. We're usually expected to get there by 8:30. I just need to set a purpose for myself today. Maybe to unpack some of the boxes we're storing in the spare room...

I haven't logged in for a few days and just saw your post princesslemons...
Hugs to you!!

Oh Princesslemons, I've been thinking about you since your first worries but I didn't guess MS.  I'm so sorry to hear it.  Roller coaster emotions with better days and worse days are normal.  Hang in there.  I'm sending you hugs and good wishes.   

Princesslemons ... just seen your posts - so sorry to hear this. It's good you're staying positive.  Wishing you all the best x

oh, just seen this- I'm so sorry, princesslemons.

My thoughts and prayers are with you princesslemons ~

So I've got to have a lung biopsy tomorrow (my latest CT scan said the fungal infection lesions in my liver are down to two spots, but two have appeared in my lungs), and frankly, I was all nonchalant about it - they've taken so many bits out of me already I could really care less if they take a little more.

But I had a chat today with the surgeon who's doing it, and this one sounds more hardcore than the liver, skin, or bone marrow biopsies I've already had:

1. it's general anaesthetic (since I'm otherwise healthy and live locally they're not making me stay overnight tonight, yayy!). I haven't been put under since I had foot surgery when I was 15!
2. they have to partially deflate my lung so it's not a moving target
3. he said it's keyhole surgery but they need to cram a camera in there and take "a postage stamp sized sample" out of my lung where the lesion is (holy crap that's a HUGE sample)
4. he was all "yeah it'll probably hurt a lot afterwards so we'll give you some morphine to take home" (maybe this is the part Unexpected Pleasure? ha!)

Anyway, I was most pleased that I don't have to go in tonight since I've already got plans, and even more pleased that it's not Thursday (the other day they do them) since that's when I'm taking my fiance out to dinner for his birthday on Friday. I really hope I'll be feeling okay enough to do so now... 

Wish me luck!

Sending you hugs and good luck vibes, Squirrely!

Hope the procedure goes well and involves minimal pain afterwards, squirrellypoo!

Know a little what your head's going through, PrincessLemons. So sorry.

Best wishes and hugs and prayers to Princesslemons and squirrellypoo. It seems a bad time for people's health all of a sudden 

My 'Worse than an IA'? My mom is in the hospital at the moment, and is set to undergo surgery at any moment. Last Thursday she was having back and shoulder pain, and went to the ER where they found her blood sugar and blood pressure through the roof. She's always had these problems kinda but was on meds for them until she couldn't afford the insurance anymore, and they sorted out her stuff in the ER and sent her home with a referral to a doctor to see on Monday about her doctor since all her x-rays and scans came back normal so they didn't think it was a major emergency and that it could wait.

But she was back in the ER on Saturday since she was having problems breathing, then they found her left lung full of fluid and her glucose and blood pressure unaffected by the stuff they sent her home with. So they admitted her into hospital and did a CT scan where they found six pin point spots on her lung (the surgeon says they're no bigger than that, literally). They had to wait a day to do surgery while struggling to sort out her glucose and blood pressure, and now that both of those are normal she's going in today to remove the fluid and biospy the spots to see if they're malignant. I've been on the phone to her a few times but it's hard for her to talk since she can't breathe very well, but she seems fairly optimistic--she says if it's cancer, they'll just deal with it, though the doctors can't rule out an infection or pneumonia even though she isn't presenting the symptoms that commonly come with pneumonia. They won't know much of anything till the surgery, but they say if the spots come back malignant (which they'll test there in the operating room), they'll just take her left lung and sort out treatment once she wakes up.

Thankfully she knows what to expect a bit since she's had two surgeries before--one to remove a 20 lb tumor from her abdomen, and a lumpectomy for breast cancer she had about 8 years ago. She's nervous but in a good hospital, and all my family is there with her, but it's really hard to be away from her right now--but my husband has offered to book a ticket for me to go home if I need to, but I'm not making any decisions about that right now. He's also booked the rest of his holiday time for late this week/almost all of next week so I'm not stuck in the house all by myself.

Now I'm just waiting to hear back from my family once she's out of surgery, and we'll go from there. I'm scared since she smoked for a long time, so cancer or emphysema is a very real possibility, but if it is the doctors are encouraged because the spots they do see are so small, and the hospital she's in is really good to her (she's been there before for her previous surgeries) so I'm trying to not assume the worst.

Sucky November/December for a lot of us it seems