I have not been on in awhile so thought I would check in.
My husband and I might be getting divorced because, after nearly 8 years of marriage, he has decided that he thinks he wants to have kids whereas I have always been very up-front about not wanting any. It's just how I feel and to have to lose him over this is devastating to say the least. Not that its not a good reason but it sucks and it hurts and I hate it. But I am not changing my mind, I never wanted kids and I don't expect to ever want them.
We were having some other issues in our relationship and about 4 weeks ago he said he wanted to take a break and have some time alone. So he is staying at his parents' and I am in our house. We had a consultation with Relate this week to try and see if we could sort things out but for him, the key issue is having kids. I think he has made up his mind that he wants to split up but he is too scared to say it. He has been unhappy with me for a few months (he claims) but was too scared to bring up the kids thing because he is so aware about my feelings about not wanting them.
I told him he needs to decide if the things that we can fix are enough to make him want to stay. So, I am thinking about just filing for divorce myself. I know it seems quick to make that kind of decision but I just don't see him changing his mind. He says he is not sure if he even loves me anymore, which is just horrendous.
So I booked a trip to go back home at the end of May. I am thinking to tell him he needs to make up his mind before I go, or else I am filing. I have the name of a lawyer who handled my friend's divorce but have not spoken to her yet.
Of course my mind is tumbling around with so many things: Why did he keep his feelings bottled up for so long. His mum has said that no matter what I would be part of the family and they would always be there for me and he said he would always care about me but let's face it: that's not enough. I cannot see myself being friends with him. What's the point?
He said ''absolute worst case scenario'' (I mean come on! you have already made up your mind you don't want me anymore) we could still own the house and we would split the mortgage. I am not comfortable with this at all. I cannot afford to buy him out and I could barely afford to live if I took on the mortgage with all the other house bills. And I cannot really face packing up and moving just yet. And do I stay in the UK? I am leaning toward ''yes'' simply because I have a job and I know the job situation in the US is dire. have my citizenship so they can't kick me out, which is good thing.
I am trying to take it one step at a time but I am not really coping with the fact that he is likely not coming back and I miss him so much it hurts and I wish things could be different but he said, even if I changed my mind about wanting kids, he would never believe me and would always think I did it to keep him.
We put our names down for a placement at Relate but even if he doesn't want to work it out, I am still going to go as I am going to need some professional support.
Thanks for reading this, I really don't know where to turn. please send me happy vibes :-)
