"The Surrendered Wife" philosophy

LipBalmAddict, you clearly feel very strongly about this.  I'd be interested to hear how you apply the philosophy to your life and how it has affected your relationship.  Not taking the p*ss, I'd really like to know. 

Well, as your friend, and as someone who KNOWS you are a strong woman and in control of your life professionally and other ways, I would like to know, too!    Just curious to see how this has worked for you.

I do think, however, that some men actually enjoy being nagged and told what to do (maybe it has something to do with their mothers?) and wouldn't know what to do if their partner didn't tell them, so in that case, maybe the nagging and controlling woman should read the self-help guide to finding these types of men!    i should ask my best friend on this one, as this describes her marriage to a T!!!!  

She recommends letting your husband pick out your clothes make-up and even what hobbies you have, not telling him that he is ever doing anything incorrectly.  

Pick out my clothes?  hahahahahahahaahaaha

LipBalmAddict, you clearly feel very strongly about this.  I'd be interested to hear how you apply the philosophy to your life and how it has affected your relationship.  Not taking the p*ss, I'd really like to know. 

I feel more strongly that it would be nice for people to actually understand what the author has to say first.  I think I'll join a nukelear physics forum and just start rambling about whatever springs to mind.

Since you asked, I will explain the deepest emotional chord that the book struck with me (keeping in mind I read both The Surrendered Single and The Surrendered Wife several years ago).  It was that my mother was un-self-aware and very controlling.  She also crossed boundaries and took my brother and me aside to dump all of her marital problems on us.  When I finally spoke up one time and said that actually I thought she bore some responsibility in terms of the problems in her marriage, she exploded.  But I knew I was right.  And I still maintain it's a two way street, and the purpose of the book is to try and help women understand their role in their relationship.  And rather than just complaining that their husband is a jerk, to recognise their part in the relationship.

x-posted with several others...

Well, it might work in theory, if you are married to a reasonable type of guy but it sounds scarily like she's legitimising domestic abuse to me.

I don't think anyone who commented is particularly uninformed or knee jerk.  No one has said anything particularly controversial or negative.  I studied the lifestyle for part of my course at university, just in case my comment was one that annoyed you.  It's not exactly an obscure and unheard of way of life, there have been numerous documentaries about it so I think the average person probably knows a fair bit about it.

You could join a nuclear physics forum and ramble if you wanted to I guess but this isn't a surrendered wives forum so I think everyone is welcome to contribute to the topic??  It's quite a contentious one so people are going to chip in.

  When I finally spoke up one time and said that actually I thought she bore some responsibility in terms of the problems in her marriage, she exploded.  But I knew I was right.  And I still maintain it's a two way street, and the purpose of the book is to try and help women understand their role in their relationship.  And rather than just complaining that their husband is a jerk, to recognise their part in the relationship.

x-posted with several others...

I agree that when something goes wrong in a relationship both people have contributed to it.  In my relationship now I am trying not to make the same mistakes I made in my previous marriage.  As wrong as he was, I was not perfect either.  Part of what I am trying to do now is be more laid back, share more, be a better partner.  In a way it *is* a kind of a surrender....

Well, it might work in theory, if you are married to a reasonable type of guy but it sounds scarily like she's legitimising domestic abuse to me.

Good point.  One of the premises of her philosophy is to become a healthy person and to find (attract, if you will) a similarly healthy person.  Someone who is in the healthy zone would presumably be able to recognise domestic abuse and deal with it.  She does go into more detail about this from what I recall.  She is not saying we should go back to the 1950s, only that we should recognise certain elements of human nature that are still relevant.

Again, x-posted with others! 

You will, he's out there somewhere wondering the same thing! 

Thanks Andee!  I'm actually really OK being single, but it would be nice to have options!

Sometimes I think if I had to go away for a few weeks i'd come back and just find a skeleton sitting on the couch.

Ha!

It's not exactly an obscure and unheard of way of life, there have been numerous documentaries about it so I think the average person probably knows a fair bit about it.

You could join a nuclear physics forum and ramble if you wanted to I guess but this isn't a surrendered wives forum so I think everyone is welcome to contribute to the topic??  It's quite a contentious one so people are going to chip in.

Point 1 - I hope no one is confusing this with Mormonism, this is a modern interpretation of aspects of human nature that are still relevant.  Not a dig at you, BTW.  I'm also not sure what anyone would have recalled in terms of documentaries (as I've not seen any in my 9 years in the UK that I can recall).

Point 2- fair enough about the nature of this forum being diverse, but it's not helping to further the understanding of the subject matter for people to chime in when they do not understand the specifics of what is being discussed, are making generalisations about the philosophy without supporting facts to back it up, etc.

And I still maintain it's a two way street, and the purpose of the book is to try and help women understand their role in their relationship. 

And I think there are many other ways to that end, apart from this book.

May I suggest The Dance of Anger by Dr Harriet Goldhor Lerner?  Or any of her books are really helpful, without going to the level of being submissive or surrendered or whatever.  Lerner is "an internationally acclaimed expert on the psychology of women, is a staff psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic and a distinguished lecturer, consultant, and workshop leader. She was born in 1944 and received her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York."

What are Laura Doyle's qualifications?  The website says "Author, Lecturer and Seminar Leader" and "marketing copywriter. She is a graduate with honors from San Jose State University's journalism department."

I think the book has some good points.  But I don't need to let my husband decide my childrens' names or what I will be cooking for dinner each night in order to know that being a nagging cow will not solve any problems.

But you can say you don't think anyone would follow everything she says, but many people do.  This is all linked into Promise Keepers as well.  If you are Christian and your church follows this you are supposed to follow it completely.  

Good point.  One of the premises of her philosophy is to become a healthy person and to find (attract, if you will) a similarly healthy person.  Someone who is in the healthy zone would presumably be able to recognise domestic abuse and deal with it.  She does go into more detail about this from what I recall.  She is not saying we should go back to the 1950s, only that we should recognise certain elements of human nature that are still relevant.

Again, x-posted with others! 

Yeah, I know, to be fair she does state on her site that women should not practice her philosphy with someone who is abusive or had addictions.  But still, the basic premise is that the woman should submit to the man. Sorry, not for me ...

I think the book has some good points.  But I don't need to let my husband decide my childrens' names or what I will be cooking for dinner each night in order to know that being a nagging cow will not solve any problems.

But you can say you don't think anyone would follow everything she says, but many people do.  This is all linked into Promise Keepers as well.  If you are Christian and your church follows this you are supposed to follow it completely.  

As I am not religious, I'm used to discarding dogmatic points that I disagree with.

I do maintain that a lot of people's recollections of what the author has said have been filtered through their own emotions and memories.  The points need to be interpreted according to an individual's sense of what is right for them or otherwise makes sense for them.

The point about a husband choosing an outfit I think has been taken out of context.  I remember it as the husband having input into the wife's choice of clothing, which to me is a gesture of intimacy.

Does she have a book for husbands as well?