"The Surrendered Wife" philosophy

And I still maintain it's a two way street, and the purpose of the book is to try and help women understand their role in their relationship.  And rather than just complaining that their husband is a jerk, to see how they are causing provocation.

Well, I do agree that this is the case.  Certainly, my MIL, who has a more adversarial relationship with my FIL than I do with DH, thinks that I shouldn't do anything for DH, ever, but that I should assert my dominance in the marriage and make him do everything for me.  But I feel that he does do a lot for me without me having to ask, from unfailing emotional support to doing the washing up when I've made a mess of the kitchen, and bringing him a beer and some crisps while he plays video games doesn't make me a doormat.  That said, I couldn't defer to DH all the time, he would never do anything if I didn't push him.  Plus, I do think he appreciates me making him get out and do things that he wouldn't do if I weren't around.

The point about a husband choosing an outfit I think has been taken out of context.  I remember it as the husband having input into the wife's choice of clothing, which to me is a gesture of intimacy.

See, to me that's controlling.  Too controlling.  Not to mention that my own husband can't even match a tie to a shirt.  If it's along the lines of 'that looks nice' or 'I like that top' then it's great, but I don't think that this is what they're talking about.  

I'm not seeing why the only choices here are 'nagging' or 'surrendered'.  What is wrong with a good old partnership?

I don't have past relationships to draw from.  I can only go on the one I'm in now and have been for twenty years and that works best for us when we're on the same page and we're equal.

Does she have a book for husbands as well?

As far as I am aware the Promise Keepers book is looked at as the male counterpoint. 

I certainly hope it doesn't mean letting your husband choose your clothes or I think a lot of us would be in too tight, too short, hot pants every day. 

Pick out my clothes?  hahahahahahahaahaaha

This authors husband must have a great sense of female style.  I'm trying to imagine what kind of clothes my husband would suggest I wear, even if he was just offering his input.  It would be like the Moulin Rouge every day.

Don't even get me started on make-up or childrens names.  I just asked my husband what he would call a child and he suggested Theodore or Cornelius.  

I think this lifestyle can work with a certain type of guy and a certain type of woman.  I can say with full confidence that if I decided it was for me, my husband would be utterly, completely hopeless.  

See, to me that's controlling.  Too controlling.  Not to mention that my own husband can't even match a tie to a shirt.  If it's along the lines of 'that looks nice' or 'I like that top' then it's great, but I don't think that this is what they're talking about.  

I'm not seeing why the only choices here are 'nagging' or 'surrendered'.  What is wrong with a good old partnership?

I don't have past relationships to draw from.  I can only go on the one I'm in now and have been for twenty years and that works best for us when we're on the same page and we're equal.

I'm with Mindy on this one.

However, I do want to be clear that this particular philosophy isn't right for me.  If someone else thinks it's the bee's knees, then bully for them.

What are Laura Doyle's qualifications?  The website says "Author, Lecturer and Seminar Leader" and "marketing copywriter. She is a graduate with honors from San Jose State University's journalism department."

She is not a mental health professional as far as I am aware.  She has simply written about what has worked for her. She was in a failing marriage, hit rock bottom, took a 12 step approach and applied it in a marital context and turned things around.

I come from a family of mental health "professionals" (certified psychologists and psychiatrists) and none of them practice what they preach; they are as fcuked up as anyone you could imagine.  Which is not to say that it is not possible to achieve real healing with a professional (which I did), but being a professional does not necessarily mean they have applied their wisdom effectively in their own lives.

To respond to geeta's point about a book for husbands (which is related to this point), I don't believe she does.  Her approach is not to preach, which writing to a male population would involve.  Her approach is to reveal her issues, her pain, and what she found that was effective - simply to share what worked for her.

I do know she says you should turn over all control to your husband as to what the children wear and what clothes you should buy.  I can't remember if that extended to what clothes you wear everyday, but since he is now buying them I guess you'd better like his style.


I agree with Abby, if it works for you fine.  But don't sugarcoat the book, it is what it is.

I certainly hope it doesn't mean letting your husband choose your clothes or I think a lot of us would be in too tight, too short, hot pants every day. 

It means choosing clothes out of your wardrobe that you have already chosen for yourself.

It's like having a selection of lipstick and choosing which one to wear that day.

Ooh, my husband would put me in green shirts and purple trousers.  Because they match the best! 

I just asked my husband what he'd chose for me to wear if he could.  And he pretty much chose my work uniform.  heehee.  Also chosen by a man.

I'm not seeing why the only choices here are 'nagging' or 'surrendered'.  What is wrong with a good old partnership?

I don't have past relationships to draw from.  I can only go on the one I'm in now and have been for twenty years and that works best for us when we're on the same page and we're equal.

I am really pleased to hear that, Mindy.  I don't think the author has portrayed things in a black and white sense of nagging or surrendered.  She is merely trying to help someone on an extreme of the spectrum to become more centred, something which you've obviously achieved (not that there was ever an issue, the point being that you feel balanced).  

Personally, I did not know myself well enough to choose appropriately (for myself) the first time around, but by the second time 'round, I knew how to choose someone whom I can be myself with and have a true partnership, which makes life so much easier now.

To me, the benefit of what is in the book is that it reminds me of bad habits that I learned from my dysfunctional family that would not serve me well to repeat in my marriage.

I agree with Abby, if it works for you fine.  But don't sugarcoat the book, it is what it is.

It is what we choose to take from it.  We take what makes sense, we adapt things by filtering them through our own values, memories and experiences and we leave the rest behind.

I spent quite a bit of time on the site last time this topic arose here and was also involved in a big discussion of it on in a LJ community I belong to. So, hopefully you dodn't mean me when you refrerred to knee jerk opinions etc simply because I didn't have the inclination to include a bibliography in my post.

Not at all, Britwife. 

Sorry I am really far behind on all the posts now and will need to call it a night soon.

LBA,  I am glad it helped you find more peace in your life.  I hope the relationship you have forged continues to flourish.