Frustrated with the System

I should be up in bed, snuggled down next to Tim enjoying one of our last nights together until July.  But instead I'm downstairs on my computer because I keep having horrible dreams and now I can't sleep.

I'm so frustrated right now.  I want to stay, Tim wants me to stay, but there's no possible way for it to happen unless we go ahead and decide to get married - when we'd both be perfectly happy not getting married and just living together.

Why can't there be some kind of visa for unmarried partners who haven't lived together for the required two years, but who want to give it a go?  Some kind of provisional visa like a fiancee visa, but not requiring marriage partway through it.  Though I suppose if they did that, they'd get all the younger people applying for this instead of fiance/marriage.   

We've looked at the possibility of me attending Lincoln University for graduate work, but I can't possibly afford it or afford to take out another student loan (still paying off undergrad).   I don't fit Tier 1 or 2, and the prospect of finding a job that "only I can do" in terms of getting an employer to sponsor me seem pretty slim. (though that won't stop me from scouring the internet and posting my CV)


It sucks. Tim has enough money to support both of us, no problem there....it's just that I don't want him to feel he has to ask me to marry him just so I can live with him, you know?

If we were simply a few states apart, there's no issues with moving in with each other.  I think International relationships really get the short end of the stick! 

Blergh. I just really needed to get that out.  Now it's 5AM.  If I was tired, I'd go back upstairs, but I don't want to wake Tim, so I'm going to pop in the Gavin & Stacey DVDs.

And today I have to pack to go back to the US.  My mom tells me she "knows in some small way I don't want to leave, but she's excited for me to be back". No, it's not a small way. IT's a HUGE FREAKING WAY.  I honestly don't care at all about being back stateside.  If only I could treat THAT as a visit, you know?  But, at least Tim's booked his flight over for July.   

I definitely feel your frustrations It's already been a couple months since I've seen Steve, and even though we talk face to face on MSN with microphones it's not the same at all. Sometimes I get down on myself and I wish he just lived a state away, or even across the country, because it'd make everything so much easier in a lot of ways. I mean, I love England, and I love his English-ness, and his accent, but I'd love to have the option of just being able to move in and get married without having to wait for a visa first.

And I know where you're coming from with your mom--mine kept telling me about how hard it'd be for me to leave Steve (dur, really?), but she also missed me a lot and wanted to see me again. I know she loves me, and missed me loads while I was gone (and I missed her too), and I missed some things about the States, but I just wanted to hold onto Steve and not let go  I think our parents sometimes try to keep their own wants and needs in check for our happiness, but it doesn't always work and they say things that sometimes hurt us more than they think.

I just keep trying to hold onto the dream that I have, that I think we all have--being with our SO's won't be roses all the time, but I look forward to being able to go on vacation with Steve to the States--to call England *our* home instead of just a place I go to for holiday.

It'll help that Tim has his flight booked--it's something tangible to hang onto when things get tough. I got the ticker waiting for Steve's flight (46 days, urgh) and I know you have the one for Tim as well. Hehe, Steve had to get on the phone with Continental, they messed up his reservation, they had a hard time understanding his accent a bit since the call center is based in the US

I guess I don't really have a ton of good advice, since I'm horrible at consoling myself whenever I leave the UK  But I do kinda know where you're coming from, as a lot of us do on here

It helps to know someone else knows how I feel, though.

I honestly have no desire to return to the states. I don't miss anything,and I honestly don't miss my mom -- we've been talking practically every day on skype since I got here, so there was no chance to miss her!

It helps to know someone else knows how I feel, though.

I honestly have no desire to return to the states. I don't miss anything,and I honestly don't miss my mom -- we've been talking practically every day on skype since I got here, so there was no chance to miss her!

I missed the States enough for a visit maybe, but after a couple of weeks I would of been ready to go back to the UK  I just wanted to be able to eat some American food again, and see my family and my cat, and go clothes shopping in some of my favorite shops, but then I would of been more than happy to turn around and go back with Steve.

And honestly, I love my mom to bits, but it's not like I missed her *loads*. It's not the same as I miss Steve, certainly. I love her to pieces but we've lived together for 23 years, and we spoke on the phone every few days. And neither one of us leads really fascinating lives, so half the time there wasn't anything to talk about anyway >.<

Becca - I am sorry that your visit is coming to an end. Chin up as the Brits say

I did just want to say though (and I apologize if this comes across in a negative way) that immigration is not supposed to be easily and readily available to anyone who wants it just because they want it.  As you know, if there was such a visa like you are talking about, it would be abused to no end!  A government simply cannot open their borders b/c two people say they love eachother.  You do have to look at it from a bureaucratic point of view when thinking about the "fairness" of the situation.  Re: Tier 1 and 2 - a country's government wants skilled immigrants to join their workforce to help grow the economy.  Re: spousal/fiance visa -the government isn't into all the mushy stuff - they require "proof" that the relationship is a committed one and that comes in the form of a marriage or long-term living arrangement as far as they are concerned.

As you have mentioned many times before, marriage is a serious commitment and I applaud Tim for not taking this "easy way out" before he feels ready for it.
I am sure you are tired of hearing this, but the time apart can be trying and lonely and sometimes miserable, BUT it also is a wonderful time for reflection, and in my opinion it can really solidify your relationship.  If you and Tim are "meant to be", then you can make it through the time apart, however long that is until you are ready to take the next step.

Eventhough I, too, can say that it "sucks" to be away from the person I love and want to be with more than anything, I have never found the immigration process terribly unfair.  If anything, as an American, I feel quite lucky that it is as reasonable as it is.

I understand as well...Now that we've made the decision to marry, I just want to hurry the clock along and make it November, so we can get married and I can move over already!

I have a sneaking suspicion that things will change once you are over here...Tim will realize how much he misses you and wants you in his life on a day to day basis and the 2 of you will work on a plan to get you back over...even if it means engagement or marriage.  I too would have prefered to not marry and would have been perfectly happy with just living together, but things changed over time and we both realized how much we meant to eachother and how we don't want to be with anyone else and well, here we are now...waiting to get married!

I'm sorry that it seems so hopeless, but have faith and it could and most likely will turn around.  Then you will be waiting like me and Kittenfish to get the marriage over and done with, so you can get the visa and start your new life in the UK.

*hugs*

 

I agree with the other posts here--I think things will change once you go home You and Tim will have a lot of time to reflect on things now that you've spent some time together, almost living together in some ways. I think for me and Steve things changed after my first visit, because I had actually lived in his house for 6 weeks, and he realized just how much he was missing by not having me there.

Normally he doesn't talk about 'feelings', but last night he said he misses being able to turn to me in bed and just talk about something. Now he has to leave it till the next day when he can get on MSN 

So, who knows what will change between now and when Tim comes to visit next? It'll give you two a chance to figure things out, and to see if it was really meant to be, and I think it might be I think in a lot of LDR, it eventually gets to the point where marriage is almost the next logical step, like it is with a lot of other couples in more conventional relationships; with me and Steve, we've been together for three years already, and I'd like to think in some small way that if I was British we'd be getting married anyway (yeah, I still worry that I'm forcing him into something, but I have to remind myself that he's a bit, 38 yr old boy).

I swear, I will seriously be over the moon when I get my hands on the visa. I won't be able to genuinely relax until I have it, and I *know* can move on

Time heals all, in a way--it took me a couple weeks to do it, but I slowly adjusted to life in the US even though I didn't really want to be back here in some ways. Well, at first I was *thrilled* to be home, mainly because I was sick on the second flight, after 20 hours of travel with only a cat nap in the terminal, so being able to sleep in any bed was great I envy you in a small way, I kick myself for not living on the east coast, I really hate me some 24+ hour transit times.

But it's very frustrating ultimately, I sometimes tell myself it's not fair. But it's also good to have that trip to look forward to next, it's something tangible and concrete to hang onto. And it takes a lot of planning to show a Brit around the US I find, so that's something to think about for the next couple of months

Kittenfish: Yeah, I kick myself for not living on the east coast as well. Haha. I'm headed over to the UK for the first time on Wednesday... it'll be an adventure!

And now I won't feel quite so bad about him having been out here twice already... but with him being a teacher, he has scheduled breaks so it's easier for him to get away for a week here and there.

Becca: I totally understand where you're coming from. We didn't want to get married for immigration reasons either, but that's the only way I can come over there and stay (if he doesn't get a job here in the states... we should know by tomorrow), as I don't qualify for a Tier 1 or 2, and can't afford to go back to school. But we came to the conclusion that we wanted to get married anyway, and while it wasn't the ideal situation, we'd do what we needed to get things sorted.

It's a hard decision to reach, though, I know.

Kittenfish: Yeah, I kick myself for not living on the east coast as well. Haha. I'm headed over to the UK for the first time on Wednesday... it'll be an adventure!

Yeah, it's a bit of a flight It's around 15 hrs for me to get from Portland to Birmingham, UK, and I usually get there in the morning so I feel kinda icky. But, it's usually okay, it's longer to come back to the States--you have to grab your bags and re-check them in with your airline and go through security, so it's usually a bit of a length connection if you live on the west coast. I just fell asleep on the terminal floor when I had my 8 hr layover in Newark 

Becca - I am sorry that your visit is coming to an end. Chin up as the Brits say

I did just want to say though (and I apologize if this comes across in a negative way) that immigration is not supposed to be easily and readily available to anyone who wants it just because they want it.  As you know, if there was such a visa like you are talking about, it would be abused to no end!  A government simply cannot open their borders b/c two people say they love eachother.  You do have to look at it from a bureaucratic point of view when thinking about the "fairness" of the situation.

Oh I know, I just wish there was something else, you know?  Tim offered to sponsor me thinking that that was all you needed to move to the UK...man, if only, right?  But I think if they did have looser rules, people would be bending them right and left "because they could"! 

As you have mentioned many times before, marriage is a serious commitment and I applaud Tim for not taking this "easy way out" before he feels ready for it.

I'm glad he isn't jumping into it, either.  We've talked about it a bit these past few days.  He wants to live with me, wants me to be here with him, but he's still thinking over if he wants the long commitment of marriage - we talked about his grandparents today. They've been married for over 60 years (both are 92) and are still ever so much in love and how we could only hope we'd be as in love in 60 years as they are! 

Kittenfish: Yeah, I kick myself for not living on the east coast as well. Haha. I'm headed over to the UK for the first time on Wednesday... it'll be an adventure!

LOL. So glad I live "between" PHL, BWI, and IAH.

Becca: I totally understand where you're coming from. We didn't want to get married for immigration reasons either, but that's the only way I can come over there and stay (if he doesn't get a job here in the states... we should know by tomorrow), as I don't qualify for a Tier 1 or 2, and can't afford to go back to school. But we came to the conclusion that we wanted to get married anyway, and while it wasn't the ideal situation, we'd do what we needed to get things sorted.

It's a hard decision to reach, though, I know.

Yeah, that's the same situation we're in, but Tim can't get a job in the US even if he wanted to come live with me.  He's a Relief Signalman for Network Rail and there is no US equivalent to the job here.  I don't make enough in the US to support the two of us, but he makes enough in the UK to support the two of us, so it's sort of a no-brainer for us.

I have to remind myself that he's a bit, 38 yr old boy).

LOL, so is Tim.

LOL. So glad I live "between" PHL, BWI, and IAH.

Yeah, my route is normally PDX-EWR-BHX, and by the end of it I feel a bit like the walking dead Steve says he finds it much easier to come out my way, since when he gets here it's normally nighttime, so he can go straight to sleep and wake up at a normal time (plus he actually manages to sleep on the flight, where as I chew my nails or puke -.-). As where when I get there, it's 8am and I can only feasibly sleep for a couple hours before forcing myself awake so I don't get my schedule all knackered 

Yeah, that's the same situation we're in, but Tim can't get a job in the US even if he wanted to come live with me.  He's a Relief Signalman for Network Rail and there is no US equivalent to the job here.  I don't make enough in the US to support the two of us, but he makes enough in the UK to support the two of us, so it's sort of a no-brainer for us.

Same with me and Steve, besides him having his kids in the UK--I always knew for that reason I'd be the one to move. And he makes way more money in the UK than I could in the US, though once his kids are grown he might look into moving internally within his company--he works for DHL as a first line manager for their fleets of lorries, and every so often they ask him if they want to put him in the running for something overseas, either mainland Europe or the US possibly. But right now he can't, his youngest is only 8, so he has to stay put even though he'd like to move

LOL, so is Tim.

Wow, just noticed my typo when you quoted me, lol. But yeah, Steve's starting to go a little grey, but I'm happy since in some small way he's already gotten his wild streaks out of him, and is more focused on settling down now--I don't really have to worry about him being out all hours of the night because he's done it all already. But besides that, he doesn't always act that old--oftentimes he still gets carded in the States for alcohol which embarrasses him since he hasn't been carded and he's been drinking since 16

Wow, just noticed my typo when you quoted me, lol. But yeah, Steve's starting to go a little grey, but I'm happy since in some small way he's already gotten his wild streaks out of him, and is more focused on settling down now--I don't really have to worry about him being out all hours of the night because he's done it all already. But besides that, he doesn't always act that old--oftentimes he still gets carded in the States for alcohol which embarrasses him since he hasn't been carded and he's been drinking since 16

Hehe I find Tim's few greyhairs so endearing.  I like our age difference (9 years).  It puts us both as equals ready to settle down as opposed to many 30-yr-old men I know!

Sorry you have to go back. Try to just spend time with your family and keep yourself busy. Hopefully things will work out and you can be together soon. Good luck! 

Thanks Jewlz.

Like I said in the other thread a bunch of us pay attention to -

Offline from now until LATE Monday night EST - if at all on Monday. I might just wait until Tuesday to pop online. 

Last day with Tim for three months. 

Thanks Jewlz.

Like I said in the other thread a bunch of us pay attention to -

Offline from now until LATE Monday night EST - if at all on Monday. I might just wait until Tuesday to pop online. 

Last day with Tim for three months. 

Awwww, sorry.  :\\\'( Hopefully the time will fly by for you!