The official UKY inlaw venting thread

I had forgotten about this thread!

3)Don't run the kettle after you make your drinks on the off chance that someone will need tea soon.  FFS, it doesn't take that long to boil it from cold.

I know quite a few people that do this and I've never understood it.  I guess that 20 seconds they save themselves in time is more valuable than you eating decent food

My SIL's are irritating me a bit at the moment.  SIL#1 (DH's older sister) is one that we don't see or talk to very much, usually just on holidays.  We've had a LOT going on with DD over the course of the last year, which MIL and FIL are totally in the loop on, but SIL isn't too interested.  She doesn't really keep up on things going on with us, which is fair enough.  She doesn't have kids, has her own life, etc and I totally get that.  However, she decided about three or so months ago to make some pretty nasty judgements about us (me in particular) and talking out her ars* about things she didn't have a clue about.  Her biggest gripe was that DD was almost 4 and I was still staying at home and hadn't gotten a job.  DD's problems were irrelevant, as was that fact that DS is still a baby, and it was a decision DH and I made together, and that decision had eff all to do with her, she knew best and really laid into DH on the phone that there was no excuse for my laziness.  I got really fed up, and let her have it.  I did get a very brief apology from her, but didn't hear from her afterwards.  Fast forward to  DD's 4th birthday and DH's b-day. (their days are 3 days apart).  No card or anything from SIL.  Not even a text, phone call or email.  DH's mom had called DH to make sure DD's present from them had arrived, asked what DD had gotten from various people, and when she found out SIL hadn't even called DD to say happy birthday, she was pretty ticked.  So, over 6 weeks letter, SIL sent up a card and present.  (Not even a note for DH, though, mind you).  So, because she was pissed at me, she had apparently decided to ignore her niece

SIL#2 (DH's little sister) is leaving at the start of September for two years of travelling around the world with her boyfriend.  She's currently staying in Sheffield with the BF, and is only planning to return to Ireland briefly sometime in August to say her goodbyes. The thing is, she won't set a date, and I REALLY don't want to miss the UKY meetup!  I'm just afraid that she'll let everyone know at the last minute (something all his sisters are pretty bad about) and it will end up being the one weekend I don't want it to be.  It's not that big of a deal on it's own, it's just that his sisters always expect to be catered to and will b*tch up a storm if that doesn't happen, but we don't get the same consideration.  We can't win for losing.  When we were planning DS's christening, the church only did them at two times, Wednesdays at 4 or Saturdays at 7.  Wed at 4 was more convenient for DH and I since DD goes to bed around 7, but we figured that since his family would be coming from Dublin we'd pick the Saturday so nobody would have to worry about taking time off work.  Well, I was shocked at the amount of trash-talking that went on between his sisters because the time of day wasn't convenient for them, and we were sooooooo rude and ignorant for not thinking about their needs. I suppose it would have taken to much common sense for them to pick up the phone and ask why it was at 7 pm.  (I have to say, though, that MIL has backed me up 100% when these things come up.  She even told all 3 SIL's that her grandson's day was not to be ruined, and that if they were going to act like kids they could stay home.)

Another issue is that they are constantly nagging us about not coming down to Dublin often enough.  Um, we're the only ones with kids, and the only ones without a car.  Not only do they RARELY make the trip up to see us, they won't even offer to pick us up from the bus station when we do go to Dublin.  So a trip there consists of a 4 hour bus ride, walking from the bus station to the train station to get the DART (with two kids, car seat, stroller, luggage and a partridge in a pear tree), getting off the DART and then having to get another bus.  All told, it's usually an almost 6 hour journey.  That's something we should be doing every other month apparently.

Ditto on the kettle thing. They do that here too.

My MIL is now officially my MIL. I can't pretend that there's some vague sort of connection. Now we're tied for good. Yeesh.

Anyway, she is driving me mad. Even more so than before the wedding. While we were in Wales for the wedding week, we were staying in a castle with a private (not open to the public) garden, sharing it with a bunch of friends. My MIL and my parents were staying at the hotel next door. On the day after the wedding, we were planning to have a nice lunch with our friends and eat outside in our private garden. The MIL came over with some of her friends, ensconced themselves in the garden and she started smoking. I was trapped as they were there before I arrived, so couldn't really turn them away. So my friends wound up eating indoors with all the doors closed on a beautiful sunny day. I was LIVID. She had a perfectly nice hotel with a big garden where she could have sat. I did not want to see her on my honeymoon, thank you very much. It's enough that I have to live with the woman. The people I wanted to spend time with were the people I never get to see.

And her utter disdain for my FIL is leaving me completely appalled. He's not well and has become pretty doddery, to be honest. But the man is ill! It's not his fault! And she acts as if he's just this huge inconvenience to her - to his face. She and I were outside today, and we heard a crash of breaking glass coming from the kitchen, followed by Paul (FIL) saying, "Oh!" I went to run inside, but she went on chatting as if nothing was wrong! It turned out he only broke a couple of glasses, but he could have fallen or something. She just doesn't care.

And her utter disdain for my FIL is leaving me completely appalled. He's not well and has become pretty doddery, to be honest. But the man is ill! It's not his fault! And she acts as if he's just this huge inconvenience to her - to his face. She and I were outside today, and we heard a crash of breaking glass coming from the kitchen, followed by Paul (FIL) saying, "Oh!" I went to run inside, but she went on chatting as if nothing was wrong! It turned out he only broke a couple of glasses, but he could have fallen or something. She just doesn't care.

That is shocking! 

Have you told her before that her smoking bothers you? Since she was sitting outside, maybe didn't think it would bother you so much. Generally, smokers think of outside as "fair game," if you know what I mean. I've smoked on a patio at a restaurant and heard people complain, but if you can't smoke inside the restaurant, then smokers often sit outside so they can still enjoy a cigarette with their glass of wine. I know that limits some non-smokers from sitting outside if they wish to be in a smoke-free environment, but at least both smokers and non-smokers can still enjoy themselves.

I know the issue was probably more to do with her being there in your private space, in general, which is understandable. That is lame for her and her friends to intrude on your space like that. Did she pay for the garden or castle or anything like that? Maybe she thought she had some rights to be there, too?  It would be hard to confront her on that without making a scene or making things awkward around the house. At least you will be moving into your own house soon! Thinking of that must be the high point of your day!

Have you told her before that her smoking bothers you?

Oh, yes. But it's not a good subject. She winds up sulking when I mention it. And, because we're living in her house at the moment, it's not really anything I can complain about right now.

Did she pay for the garden or castle or anything like that? Maybe she thought she had some rights to be there, too?

Nope. I paid for it all. I was happy for her to come and have a look at the place, but not to settle in as she did. I still get angry thinking about it! 

Yes, we are counting the days until we move into our own house!

Oh, yes. But it's not a good subject. She winds up sulking when I mention it. And, because we're living in her house at the moment, it's not really anything I can complain about right now.

Nope. I paid for it all. I was happy for her to come and have a look at the place, but not to settle in as she did. I still get angry thinking about it! 

Yes, we are counting the days until we move into our own house!

True, you can't complain, really. That sucks about the garden, especially as you paid for it. Sorry. How long until you move into your place? You should put up a ticker! 

DH sent me a text saying 'I can't believe I got out of here.  My parents are so odd.'  Hee!  For him that's a big insult. 

He said my MIL has already asked when we are having a kid and if I don't like her.  "Geeta never wants to talk to me on the phone and she didn't even come visit this time!"  Oh lord. 

How long until you move into your place? You should put up a ticker! 

No date yet, but you can be sure there'll be a ticker as soon as we know!

DH sent me a text saying 'I can't believe I got out of here.  My parents are so odd.'  Hee!  For him that's a big insult. 

I love it when my DH (I have a DH!) says stuff like that about his parents! Doesn't it make you feel not quite as alone in your views?

I love it when my DH (I have a DH!) says stuff like that about his parents! Doesn't it make you feel not quite as alone in your views?

It definitely helps!

I just found out that my MIL is several months behind on both her mortgage and property taxes.  She, apparently, hasn't had any income the past few months (she owns her own business, which has been slowly failing for years) and never bothered to tell my husband about it until it was getting dire.  I'm having minor panic attacks about it all because DH is an only child and I'm terrified of what might happen.  The most annoying part is that if she'd listened to my husband OVER TWO YEARS AGO, and went out and got a proper job she wouldn't be in this mess.  But, nooooo!

Granted, the woman isn't quite living in reality.  Her I-kid-you-not retirement plan is to marry a rich man.  Never mind that she hasn't been on a date or even attempted to meet anyone in over ten years!

My in-laws hate me and have done so ever since they heard their son was dating someone.  They apparently had already picked someone out for him to marry from their church and were upset that this might not happen.  My husband of course didn't know about this.  My inlaws are Jamaican although my DH was born and raised in England.  We met while I was teaching at a University in Germany and he was there for a year writing his dissertation on the German Economy (exciting stuff I know).

So far they have told me

-I'm a bad wife
-I'm a bad mother
-asked if I had 'ever been to a church'
-asked if 'i was going to hurt my first born baby because some peope do that'
-told that if his family didn't like me our relationship wouldn't work
-that our first child is probably not my husband's son ( which still stands to this day)
-that he could have done better than me
-i'm fat
-my husband should have found a black girl ( my inlaws hate white people)
-there is no 'mixed in their family'
-made inappropriate comments about my sex life with my husband
-call at all hours of the night and early morning
-come over without calling, saying 'we are at the door come open it'
-showed up uninvited after I have my second baby and took my newborn out of my arms
-tried to get me in a car with them without my child being in a carseat, when i refused they started taking my stuff and tried putting in their car anyway
-told they would never come to a wedding if he was marrying me
-that i'm not too smart  ( I have a Bachelors Degree with honors and am a professional behaviour analyst and have run my own business since I was 21.  MIL doesn't work and FIL drives a train on the Underground, both have no qualifications.  Not that this makes a difference to me, I'm not elitist, but talking to them is difficult because they come across really ignorant.)

There is more of course, but I do get steamed if I keep going on.

Of course if doesn't help that my husband isn't able to stand up to them and is willing to send me into the line of fire to save himself.  I don't go around them anymore as part of an agreement with my husband, which is a big part of the reason I didn't leave him and go back home to sunshine paradise South Carolina and stayed on this cold rainy island.

But basically they suck.  And if awards are passed out for the worst in-laws,  i definetely think I should be in the top 3

Heather

Geeeez, Walesh. That truly sounds awful. I'm sorry to hear that. 

This is small potatoes compared with other stuff, I understand.

I was supposed to get a pair of wellies yesterday, as I'm sick of having soaked feet. Bf's mum insisted that the rain was over for the summer, and it would be a waste.  Well, so far today it's thunder and lightning and pissing it down- and I need to walk to the shop soon. 

Of course if doesn't help that my husband isn't able to stand up to them and is willing to send me into the line of fire to save himself.  I don't go around them anymore as part of an agreement with my husband, which is a big part of the reason I didn't leave him and go back home to sunshine paradise South Carolina and stayed on this cold rainy island.

Wow, you deserve a medal, any one of those things would send me mad. I don't know how you cope!

Could you talk to your husband about him supporting you more? Sounds like he needs to man up (or MTFU  ) and let his parents know that you are his wife and (i'm sure) a wonderful mother and that they're critism of you is not warranted or wanted.

(obviously "MTFU" is a gross simplification of a complex problem in your marriage, but sometimes, well )

This is small potatoes compared with other stuff, I understand.

I was supposed to get a pair of wellies yesterday, as I'm sick of having soaked feet. Bf's mum insisted that the rain was over for the summer, and it would be a waste.  Well, so far today it's thunder and lightning and pissing it down- and I need to walk to the shop soon. 

Wellies last forever! Also, I've lived here for 25 years, it NEVER stops raining for more than a couple of weeks

Of course if doesn't help that my husband isn't able to stand up to them and is willing to send me into the line of fire to save himself. 
But basically they suck.  And if awards are passed out for the worst in-laws,  i definetely think I should be in the top 3

Heather

My ex was very similar and it was the source of many, many arguments over the years. I'm so happy to be free from all the drama .

Could you talk to your husband about him supporting you more? Sounds like he needs to man up (or MTFU  ) and let his parents know that you are his wife and (i'm sure) a wonderful mother and that they're critism of you is not warranted or wanted.

I agree with this. While it all sounds awful and you're a saint for putting up with it, if it were me I think I'd need a bit more spousal moral support. Not asking him to take sides and choose his wife over his parents or anything, but just to be understanding and perhaps (as cheesebiscuit pointed out) to let his parents know that they're not behaving as they should toward you.