The official UKY inlaw venting thread

It's common British usage, she means definition 1 here (from Webster's)
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/aired

Specifically the "purifying, or refreshing" bit.  Things can get a bit musty of stored too long a bit of airing makes them "fresher."  It's the same sort of reason some people like to line dry.

So, this has been a question that's been on my mind for a few months now.

Why do things need to be "aired"?


MiL said last night that putting DH's pj's under his pillow wouldn't air them out. She puts a bed heater thing into our bed for us, and she mentioned the pj thing this morning. What the HECK does it mean, specifically? I looked on google, but, there were no answers. I checked Wiki, same thing. Is it just a phrase that only MiL uses? Why does it matter? It probably only matters to her, but, I want to know. Thanks!

I think I'd be more annoyed by the fact that she's coming into my personal space. Why is she checking under your pillows? You're not 10 year olds! What does your husband say about all of this? Does he seem as anxious to get out as you are?

I think I'd be more annoyed by the fact that she's coming into my personal space. Why is she checking under your pillows? You're not 10 year olds! What does your husband say about all of this? Does he seem as anxious to get out as you are?

Definitely.

My MIL was bad when I first moved in, but not quite this bad.  When she brought us a hot water bottle my second night in the UK, I told my husband to tell her we could make our own.  When she tried to do my husband's laundry, I put her straight.  Granted, I think she's come to resent me for this, but how she reacts to things isn't really my problem. I said what I meant, I meant what I said, and I didn't say it in a mean way.   I don't think directness is common in women in my husband's family, but I can't be anything but direct.  It's who I am.  I imagine others can think of ways to assert yourself which might be a bit more tactful, but I don't think that a message should be dilluted of meaning too much by excessive niceities that might lead to an illusion that something like privacy is negotiable.

Please read up on "personal boundaries".  I think there is a huge problem with this in your situation, and while you will have to figure out what works for you, you also need to make sure your and your husband's needs are met.

I agree with Bmore and Legs, abbygirl. Personal space! I don't think I'd like anyone poking under my pillows- especially when something *potentially embarrasing to a MIL* like a condom wrapper or sex toy or whatever could fall out or a even a sock or a necklace or whatever. Its none of their business! 

I saw you posted on the IA thread that MIL gave your DH paracetemol with his lunch. Is he 7? Does he not know how to get paracetemol himself? Does he need his hand held crossing the street? 

Moms/Mums. I guess some never let go of being one. 

 

Eeeek about the interfering MIL thing! She doesn't belong in your bed!!

But about airing, I do it. I like airing things out. It's the reason I flip back the bed covers in the morning and let the bed air out for a while before I make it again.

But about airing, I do it. I like airing things out. It's the reason I flip back the bed covers in the morning and let the bed air out for a while before I make it again.

My bed airs out all day until we get into it again at night! 

First, thanks to everyone who answered my question about the airing.

DH does know how frustrating it all is for me. I pretty much just suck it up and paste a fake smile on my face when I have to be around the in-laws, go into our room(their former dining room, where our comp and game consoles and stuff are) and hide out from them, until I can handle the in laws again. That's also why I go to the charity shop even when I technically don't feel like being around people, and why I let myself "get lost" coming home today from it. I got called in to the nursery tomorrow to work, so, another day of escaping.

MiL puts the pillows closer to the bed warmer, which is why she noticed DH's pj's in the first place. I know, she still treats him like he's 7.  

She put the paracetamol and water out for him during lunch time because he eats his lunch here, because his office is so close, and he hates where he works. She just got it ready for him so that he could eat, take the meds and go back to work at 12.40pm, like he has done every day since he started working at his office.

She used to help him on with his coat, every morning, but, I told him one day, when he was going back to work after lunch, "Um, yeah, I'm not gonna do the coat thing for you. You're a big boy." He laughed, but, I didn't really. She didn't help him on with the coat today. Obviously, the topic has been mentioned and duly noted. I was about to burst with joy this morning!

The parents have been taking care of him for SO long that it's just become second nature to them, just part of them, part of their personality. We've been apart because of the LDR for so long, that I just....I dunno, try and look past the clingy-ness. Sometimes it works, sometimes I want to jump in the river.  

Sorry if I complain too much about them and what happens, though. I'm trying to ease the whole boundaries thing in, but, I'm not very assertive even during the best of times.

OMG, helps him on with his coat?!?!  Wow! 

We've been apart because of the LDR for so long, that I just....I dunno, try and look past the clingy-ness. Sometimes it works, sometimes I want to jump in the river.  

I'm sorry. You're definitely in a tough situation living with them. I hope you can get your own place soon that you two can enjoy the two of you and only have the drama some of the times- like when you visit   

Heh. I had a British pen pal I met years before I moved to the UK. His mum ironed his underwear. Many years later I met his Australian wife and she told me that there had indeed been issues between her and her MIL. I suspect ironing underwear was one of them.

Abbygirl, 'airing out' isn't just a UK thing. My mother likes to air things out like jeans that don't need washing after every wear, pjs, that sort of thing.

FWIW, if you have allergies or asthma, then leaving your bedspread, duvet, or whatever you have off of your bed and hung over a chair or door is a great way to help get rid of dust mites. Especially on drier, sunnier days.

If you were closer to London, I'd take you out to get out sometimes.

My husband and I spent tonnes of money at cafes, first at Caffe Nerd, and later at Starbucks.  Totally a waste of money for the drinks alone, but to be able to have a place away from the house was totally worth it.  We also tried to go out somewhere every other weekend.  Sometimes it was to a museum or gallery, sometimes it was out to a film, sometimes it was just a long walk.  We needed time as an adult couple and not around his parents.

Thanks for the brilliant support ladies! I spent the entire day at work, a completely in law free day, and it was FANTASIC!    

They've asked me back for Monday and Tuesday of next week, and then I'll go to the charity shop on Wednesday and Thursday.

Had a big heart to heart with DH while we were in bed last night, and vented about my complaints. We both feel the same, but, we also agree that with them being so aged, and MiL having high blood pressure, it's better to just cope and manage as best as we can while we're here, and save up and move on once we can afford something decent. We wouldn't move just for the sake of moving, but, we do both know that we need to go out on our own.

The airing of linens and pj's does make sense, because DH and I both have concerns about things being hypoallergenic. Not because of asthma or anything, we just like things being nice and fresh when we use them.

And if we lived in London, we'd definitely go out for coffees, Legs!

I'm off. I have a raging "woman time" headache. Nurofen here I come! Thanks again for the support and listening ears and advice.

A few of my friends and I are getting together to do a spa day next month...I made the mistake of mentioning it in passing to my MiL a few weeks ago and this past sunday she asked me when I was going to the 'fat farm'. That, and she stated to myself & my husband that she isn't going to get our daughter anything for her birthday (in 3.5 months) and she's just going to give us money to buy something and tell DD that it's from Grandma.

Yesterday I went into town to do research on my MiL's family since she is the only remaining sibling and her father died when she was 3...she happened to get on the bus that we were on. DD and I were right up front since I had DD in her puschair and DD was shouting 'Hiya AMMA! Hiya AmmA!' and she just ignored us and walked right by until I reached out and tapped her arm and said 'Hello Barbara'...this is the 4th time she's done this and then when we got off the bus she just walked away from us as fast as she could like we had the plague or something.

Today, I'm really trying to be positive, but this thing of constantly being put down and ignored by her, especially her ignoring her own granddaughter, her ONLY GRANDCHILD! FFS, is really getting to me and I'm really down today...I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

WebyJ, I'm so sorry. She's sounds like a terrible woman.  I think you deserve a prize for constantly trying to make the connections with her, really--what a lot of work for you with no reward!
Was she always like this (when your husband was growing up?)? I can tell you, from the grandchild's point of view, the moment my parents just threw up their hands and stopped trying to be friends with my £$£"%% grandfather, I felt a HUGE sense of relief.  I was thirteen at the time, and I *knew* (and had know forever, it felt like) that he treated both of my parents badly and didn't, really, seem to care for us kids all that much. Never missed him. But, I *was* older.

(Also, *fat farm* Seriously???)

Thanks Jennie...yep 'fat farm'. I gained about 5 stone when I was pregnant and due to whatever I've not lost the weight nearly 2 years on. So it's a sensitive thing for me and that comment was like her pouring salt on an open wound.

My husband has said she was a cold and uncaring mother. Always telling him what he was doing wrong and still does to this day nothing he ever does is right. But interestingly her 2 other sons (1 that hasn't seen her in 5 years and the other one she sees twice a year and they both live less than 15 miles away) do no wrong.

She is the ONLY reason why I agree with my husband that we should move back to the US...so our daughter can grow up around family that actually love her. It's just so depressing.