The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Thanks masoncitychad! I wonder what your Aunt would have said if she had seen my daughter...she was only 5.5lbs when we brought her home. All my MIL could say was 'well at least she isn't fat'. Hmm, maybe that is why I gained 50lbs AFTER my daughter was born just to kind of rub it in?

But other than my MIL & DH I really have no one else here. But as of last Friday I think I've finally made a friend, but still it's really hard especially on a day like today where I just feel like I hate the world.

Who irons their undies??! I have a million other things to be doing other than worrying about if my undies have wrinkles. My ex-aunt use to send her undies, pjs, gym clothes, everything  to the dry cleaner's. 

I have some issues with my future inlaws. I've posted about them before, but don't have time to go into it to it now.

Hehe, like I told my fiance, beyond me and him, no one sees my knickers to see if they even have wrinkles in them anyway. And he's of the same mind as me with ironing--if it's a shirt or trousers or something, fine, but anything underneath is fair game, as long as they're clean I guess I really don't have major things to complain about (yet), but I haven't moved over properly. So, we'll see what happens when I'm there full time, thankfully my fiance is more keen to talk to his mum over the phone than to go over to her house for tea or something.

It seems to be more when she's tipsy, that's when some of the more awkward/hurtful things have a tendency to come out--but then she also starts singing to herself and talking about cute her little boy is (my fiance is 38, it's a bit awkward) and trying to hug him, and he just tries to shrug it off so he doesn't hurt her feelings. I just know in a lot of ways I don't (and won't) really measure up to the wife she's turned out to be--she's extremely considerate at times, but also runs the house with an iron first. When we go out shopping, she'll call around lunchtime to make sure her husband has made himself a sandwich--even my SIL told her that was silly, he's well over 60 years old and perfectly capable of putting one together. If I were to be like that with my fiance, I think he'd go batty from me nagging on him so much 

I guess I'll throw out an example of something that bugged me, since I need to vent We were staying in her house for a couple weeks while the Council sorted my fiance's house out (he had to sell his old one to sort out the last bits of his divorce agreement, and the Council found him something at the last minute but it needed some work, and we didn't want to go into a B&B). It was in the evening, and my fiance had just come home, and got on his laptop to sort out some emails and bills before settling down for the night; he had it plugged in, so it didn't waste the battery.

So, she comes in and sees us on his laptop, sorting some stuff out and just generally being internet nerds. I think she was a little tipsy by this point (it wasn't horribly obvious, but I could tell by her voice), and she said that we were wasting loads of electricity by running the laptop from the wall--loads, like, enough to really impact their bill. And my fiance was paying her 50 quid a week to stay there to cover those sorts of things, and food and stuff. Really? That didn't make either of us feel real welcome--I was tempted to sit in a room all day and not run any electricity whatsoever for two weeks

I know in part it's a cultural/generational thing, but it made us feel awkward, like everything we were doing was being a burden to her in some major way. I didn't know what to do with myself while my fiance was at work--if I went upstairs into the spare bedroom to read, I was being standoffish; if I stayed downstairs I felt like I was intruding on their privacy (even though they had a formal front room, and an informal front room, and we always stayed in separate areas). So, it was just a long, awkward 2 weeks, and there were certain things she could of kept to herself to keep us from feeling like a couple big dorks just encroaching on everyone. I'm so thankful that she let us stay there, don't get me wrong--it must not have been easy to open her house up to a Yank. But she could of at least *pretended* at times that we weren't a burden; and he was paying her for us to stay there, and on the weekends we were gone doing stuff to stay out of their hair.

Hehe, and as soon as we got the go-ahead to get into the Council house, we were there--nothing else was set up except the telly, and a mattress on the floor, but it was heaven

...now I think I feel better, maybe 

Truth is, my own mother is far worse most of the time than MIL could ever be. At least MIL doesn't quote the Bible to me all the time! 

Lol, I've got one of those. Only in the last five years or so she's gone "New Age" and now she substitutes "the Universe" where she used to say "God". I never thought I'd see the day!

My in laws are ok, but I do feel sorry for DH having to put up with my mother. When he first met her she made a joke about me being a prostitute, which of course I am not and have never been, and he's never forgiven her. Last time she came to visit we lived in a two bed flat, and one evening I couldn't find DS. When I went to bed he was sitting there in the bedroom, in the dark so as not to wake up DS who was sleeping in there. He had been in there for hours sitting in the dark doing nothing rather than sit with my mother!

Lol, I've got one of those. Only in the last five years or so she's gone "New Age" and now she substitutes "the Universe" where she used to say "God". I never thought I'd see the day!

   Are there any books she might recommend for my mother? 

  Are there any books she might recommend for my mother? 

Nah, she still reads the same book, lol. Same song, different lyrics, if you know what I mean. Although it is amusing to think that the "the universe" is watching my every move.

My SIL is such an unhappy person and seems to take it out on everyone else. I try to have compassion for her, but my and hubby's strategy is often just to avoid her. It makes me both angry and frustrated.

My SIL is such an unhappy person and seems to take it out on everyone else. I try to have compassion for her, but my and hubby's strategy is often just to avoid her. It makes me both angry and frustrated.

I find avoidance is really the best strategy. Unfortunately, we're all in the same house here so that's a bit difficult. I long for the day when I can avoid! 

I find avoidance is really the best strategy. Unfortunately, we're all in the same house here so that's a bit difficult. I long for the day when I can avoid! 

That is tough. I think I would implode if I had to live with mine. Maybe there are strategies can you adopt to make more physical and emotional space for yourself for your sanity? Long walks? 

This 'trying to have compassion' malarky is a real test of my empathy skills. I just think she just feels so unloved very deep down and her nastiness can make it hard to even have positive feeling for her as a human being. I risk seeing her one dimensionally.  Trying to have positive regard for someone who feels so low is a real challenge when you are in the firing line.     

That is tough. I think I would implode if I had to live with mine. Maybe there are strategies can you adopt to make more physical and emotional space for yourself for your sanity? Long walks? 

Yes, that works. It's definitely easier now that spring is here. The winter (and last summer, too, as a matter of fact) was so dire - I was completely TRAPPED indoors.

Trying to have positive regard for someone who feels so low is a real challenge when you are in the firing line.     

You're a better woman than I am. At least you try!

I'm so sorry about all your cr*ppy ILs. That can put a lot of stress on your relationship with your DH. 

I don't have too many problems with my MIL, and I know it helps that she lives in another country, but she has an interesting way of giving gifts. Everything she gives is with conditions She'll tell us, for example, that she wants to give us £100 to buy a rug. If we tell her we don't need a rug, but we could use dishes, she'll say, forget it.  DH finally called her on it and told her off and the biggest shock... she apologized! Something she never does.

I'm so sorry about all your cr*ppy ILs. That can put a lot of stress on your relationship with your DH. 

I don't have too many problems with my MIL, and I know it helps that she lives in another country, but she has an interesting way of giving gifts. Everything she gives is with conditions She'll tell us, for example, that she wants to give us £100 to buy a rug. If we tell her we don't need a rug, but we could use dishes, she'll say, forget it.  DH finally called her on it and told her off and the biggest shock... she apologized! Something she never does.

Well, if pushing back against bullies works sometimes, maybe the same technique can be applied to in-laws.

I commiserate with everyone on the in-law challenges.  (My old boss used to say "We don't have problems, we have challenges!"  Well, clearly some families are more "challenging" than others.)

Any hooo.  I used to think my sister-in-law was a little overly uptight because she found it hard to be around my Dad.  On more than a couple of occasions, my brother would come to visit with the kids, without her.  I don't think my SIL was wrong, spending time with my Dad was not really a day at the park; but I thought she could just suck it up a bit because they live in Idaho, and our parents in AZ and only saw each other a couple of times a year. 

Fast forward to my marriage, and now we live in the same country as my misogynistic, bitter and angry FIL.  I think I owe my SIL an apology.  I understand what she was doing now, because quite frankly, life is too short to spend it around soul-sucking individuals like my FIL.  I have NEVER told DH that his father can't visit us, but fortunately, he only visits at Christmas time and when I am out of the country on business trips or visiting my family.  DH doesn't make me accompany him on visits to see his father.  I am sure FIL is no more fond of me than I am of him, and that is ok with me.  I do feel badly for DH though, because it can't be easy on him. 

I am constantly amazed the DH is the sweet man he is given such an influence.  Thankfully, sometimes the apple falls out of the tree and rolls far down the road!

Brilliant thread, wish I found it sooner! lol

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone, it's nice to see a wide variety of in-law aggrivation lol.

for me,

MIL needs to stop wanting assurance from everyone for everything she does, she needs to get with it and realise that her life is how she made it, and yes we've all had hurts but it's time to move on and get her head out of the clouds. She needs to stop blaming and using men, and just concentrate on herself. She needs to stop speaking nasty to her kids and now me. She has such a mean streak under it all, and needs to learn how to speak properly to people if she's upset! I know that it's not always easy to do, but those are your children, c'mon. Just stop complaining and try to do something about it or speak to that person in a sensible fashion.

SIL needs to stop making herself stressed out. She needs to stop playing so innocent and hurt and stressed from external things when it's her just creating it for herself. She needs to say no sometimes, and realise what is important, and how she can hurt others by bending for her DH's over the top needs and moaning. Maybe even grow a pair.

BIL needs to get with it and grow up a bit. Quitting a job without at least 2 weeks notice when he has very little schooling and lack of prospects and savings isn't right. Understandable he wanted to leave a certain situation he was in, but do it right and like an adult. Always make sure you have something lined up before you run back home to mum. That should be last resort. Sometimes you can't pick and choose your career and you just have to do what you have to do which usually includes doing some work and not waiting for things to be handed to you.

FIL hasn't really bothered me lately, just is a character, but needs to again speak to his kids better and make sure he's doing what he can to stay on track.

DH needs to not let his family problems stress him out so much and be swayed by his family's say. He has his own intelligent mind and own things to focus on. His family needs to respect him and not always lean on him but work things out themselves. He also needs to stand up for what he thinks is right and sometimes just be quiet when his family are staring their rigmarole (sp?)

sorry that may not be the nicest but sometimes you have to get it out ya know? Appreciate the outlet

Wow, I consider myself fairly lucky after reading this thread!  My ILs are annoying at times, but by and large are generally good people who don't bother us too much.  I think it's hard for us who the only 'family' they have in the UK are the ILs, since our blood family is back home in the US.

I think it's really hard not having your own family in the UK, you have your own ways of communication, understanding and support that is totally different with your own family. It'd be the same with a USC and a USC too, but maybe it makes matters worse because the cultures are different?

I think it's hard because no matter what you'll never be their son, daughter, brother or sister etc etc. So when it comes down to it, you'll always be the one out.

 Many families try hard, not trying to knock them all as I am upset at the moment, and I have to give mine credit, they did try v. hard to support me but when it comes to their own blood nothing else matters and it's shocking and hurtful but true.

I lived for a year feeling like I was an equal part of their family and supported, I guess maybe it was too good to be true because when it came crashing down, I just couldn't believe it. Feels like I can't trust in them, I lost that support and it put doubts in me about the previous year. Was it fake? Prob. not all of it no, but how can I be sure?

 It  hurts when you truely care and give to people and try to make a family here. Live and learn I guess.