The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Thanks Jennie...yep 'fat farm'. I gained about 5 stone when I was pregnant and due to whatever I've not lost the weight nearly 2 years on. So it's a sensitive thing for me and that comment was like her pouring salt on an open wound.

My husband has said she was a cold and uncaring mother. Always telling him what he was doing wrong and still does to this day nothing he ever does is right. But interestingly her 2 other sons (1 that hasn't seen her in 5 years and the other one she sees twice a year and they both live less than 15 miles away) do no wrong.

She is the ONLY reason why I agree with my husband that we should move back to the US...so our daughter can grow up around family that actually love her. It's just so depressing. 

She IS growing up with a family that loves her, she's the centre of your and your DH's world, and while she may not understand about her (totally awful) grandmother now (poor sweetheart), she will when she's older and she'll appreciate how you always strove to bridge that gap with her extended family for her, even though you might not be successful at it (some people, are just  not reasonable, nor worth your efforts).

Your MIL is not acting in a reasonable way, and you can't reason with fundamentally unreasonable people and with that you shouldn't take any stock or truth into anything they say, if she says hurtful comments to you, it's because she's crazy, not because there's anything wrong with you, don't let her weight jibes or general meanness get to you, because she is absolutely not right about anything. I wouldn't even try and talk to her, and if she complains about it later, then just don't engage her (hard to do). She obviously thrives on the negative attention of being a b*tch!

Just keep doing what you're doing, being a great mum, a great wife to your DH, and keep making good choices that benefit your family and everything else will fall into place later.
 

And, I would say this, don't try too hard to protect your MIL. When your daughter asks (and she will, probably), what the heck is going on, you might want to gently explain that your MIL is an unhappy woman and that what she says and does are NOT in response to you, your lovely daughter, or your DH.  That was the most upsetting bit of all for me, as a child, because I KNEW my grandfather was a right a£$£, but my parents constantly made excuses for him.  Better to acknowledge that your child's instincts are correct and then demonstrate the value of being pleasant anyway.

We were a family that mostly relied on "just us" as well, and I never felt any lack of love--and we're all still very, very close.

All of this when she's older, obviously, right now I want to throw things at a gran who won't pay attention to her granddaughter!

*hugs WebyJ* I'm sorry things are so awful for you and your DD. I agree with the other posters. It's horrible growing up with a grandmother like that, but, at least she has you and your DH to help her understand that what's happening isn't her fault.

Well I managed to avoid my MiL for about a month...though I went with DH & DD yesterday and am really regretting doing it...again she made comments about my weight, insulted my national origin (she hates the US and everything about it, including me it seems)...why do I keep subjecting myself to her?   

Webyj, I am sorry that you are having this much trouble with her.  While reading a couple of your posts I had to go and make sure that my wife wasn't secretly posting this. 
I had a knock down drag out fight with my Mother a while ago, she made some pretty horrible comments to my DW and I wasn't going to stand for it. 
I told her (my Mother) Hug it out or slug it out, I didn't care, but 1 thing is for sure, I am with my Wife and I am not making a choice between them, that is a sure fire way to never see their grandson, and their son. 
Is your Husband doing anything to thwart his own mothers comments to you.  He said she was a cold Mum, but does he stand up to her and fight for you. 
Even if it didn't do anything, it would still be nice to have someone say "HEY THAT IS ENOUGH leave her alone!"
Maybe that is just something you are going to have to do yourself, and just confront her, tell her what is what and you have control over if she sees her son and her grandchild.
Just my thoughts, I really am sorry that you are going through this.

Thanks MSC...

Honestly I do wish my husband would tell her where to stick it...but, he is one of those types that will not disrespect his mother. he feels that he has to put up with her being the way she is because she is his mother....does he like what she's doing? No, does he tell me that he doesn't like it? Yes. Does he tell her? No...

Like yesterday for example she insisted that we take this stupid frozen turkey breast crown that she's had in her freezer for 6 months now and take it with us when we go on holiday next weekend (driving in the car 5 hours away) and give it to the friends that we'll be staying with... wha? I've heard of bringing a gift, but like a bottle of wine or something not a cheap a$$ turkey crown that she's probably defrosted and refroze only God knows how many times...I can't tell you how many times she's cooked something (and I use the term 'cooked' loosely) and given it to us and has made us sick from eating it so much so that anything that she gives us to take home doesn't even make it in our front door, it goes directly in the bin outside...

I do wish he'd tell her where to stick it, but I think that's where I went wrong. I've stood up to her in the past and it was then that she really started to treat me poorly...she doesn't like it that I have my own ideas about how to raise our daughter and I think that is at the root of her issue with me.

Thanks MSC...

I do wish he'd tell her where to stick it, but I think that's where I went wrong. I've stood up to her in the past and it was then that she really started to treat me poorly...she doesn't like it that I have my own ideas about how to raise our daughter and I think that is at the root of her issue with me.

I'm so sorry WebyJ, and I have to say *OF COURSE* you have your own ideas on how to raise *your* daughter, ffs, she's your daughter! I wouldn't take on any of this woman's misery, especially as it seems unlikely she is going to change (or anyone is going to try and make her change).  Know that, at least, you've got the support of everyone here!

OK here is a doooooooosy
A little back story first.
My MIL had been very ill for the last 2 1/2 years.  In November she passed away at home in bed with her family around her, seriously in the middle of the last rites, if you are Catholic I have to think that is about the classiest way to go. 
So anyway, you can guess that my Wife is a little messed up and very sad and emotional, as anyone would be.  Her Father who came over to the US and stayed with us for 2 weeks for Christmas.  Everything seemed like it was OK he was being nice for the first time in years. 
OK so tonight, we get a call at 12:30am his time.  He tells his daughter that there have been some changes at the house. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!  It has been 3 months since she died!  He is 74 years old and has a girlfriend.  He lives in a small village, there is no way they don't know about his wife passing.  I am am wondering what kind of hussy goes on a date with a widower of only 3 months that is 74.  Waiting for her to see that he has no money, see how long it lasts.
I have no idea what to even say to my wife, my only thought was hug hug hug and open a bottle of wine. We have a 2 1/2 year old boy who cannot understand why Mummy is so mad.
Anyone can chime in on this, I have no idea, any idea is better then none. 

After my grandpa passed away, it wasn't too long (though, to be fair, it was more than a few months) before my grandma started dating again. 

It wasn't that she hadn't been completely in love with her husband, or anything like that.  She was just really lonely.  She'd spend the better part of 50 years with my grandpa, and they did everything together.  Before that, of course, she'd always lived with her own family.  She'd never in her life had to live alone, and it made her really unhappy.  She told me that 'single life is fine for people who choose it, but I never chose it.'

Now, a few years later, she's got this man living with her.  No one in the family can stand him.  He's just horrible!  Rude, racist, sexist, ornery... just everything my  grandpa wasn't.  But my grandma, apparently, loves him.  And, more to the point, she's got someone to take care of again.  She's got something to do with herself.  She's got someone to go fishing with.  She doesn't have to do stuff alone.  We all dearly wish she'd have found someone more suitable, but we're glad that at least she's happy.

So, maybe your FIL just couldn't deal with the idea of being alone.  That can lead to people making hasty decisions.

Of course, on the flip side, my other grandfather's health  was failing, due to a series of strokes, my other grandmother ran off with a man she met at church.  Divorced my grandpa, moved half-way across the country, barely spoke to any of us for years.  It's getting a bit better now.  But some people are just really selfish, and also, they can't deal with illness/death.  And that makes them do weird things.

Sorry things are so hard on your wife at the moment.  Hopefully, in time, she'll find out it's not as bad as she imagines.  But she shouldn't feel pressured into accepting the situation either. 

My mom was just saying how when her mother passed away, her father went back to his ex-wife. My mom, of course, was livid.

But I think it could be that when people get to that later stage in their life, they want to share it with someone and not be alone.

Just my opinion. 

I remember when my gradmother passed away it wasn't too long until my grandfather had a new girlfriend (maybe several months--not sure, can't remember).  I was only a teenager and sad about it since I did miss my grandmother.  But we soon got used to the idea, we were happy that our grandfather was happy again, and the girlfriend was really nice.  Eventually they moved in together and I visited them a few times in NY.  They were together until my grandfather passed away.

I told her (my Mother) Hug it out or slug it out, I didn't care, but 1 thing is for sure, I am with my Wife and I am not making a choice between them, that is a sure fire way to never see their grandson, and their son. 

Wow, here's a virtual standing ovation for you!  It is so admirable to hear of the courage you displayed.  And as a woman, I can think of very few other ways of showing honour to your wife and partner. 

Sorry things are so hard on your wife at the moment.  Hopefully, in time, she'll find out it's not as bad as she imagines.  But she shouldn't feel pressured into accepting the situation either. 

She asked last night, "why is this happening to me".  My response was it isn't.  It is happening to the memory of your Mother.  I do actually understand what everyone is saying.  I just cant imagine if it was one of my parents.  My Grandmother was on her 3rd husband when she died it wasn't weird for me, but if my Mom or Dad went, I think it would, and lets face it, will be weird and uncomfortable.  One other thing I did say, and it did not help is at least he didn't spring it on us on his trip over for my Brothers wedding, by bringing her. Yikes, that would be a bad day. 

My future mil just announced that since she paid for half of the wedding cake, she wants ALL of the left over wedding cake.   

My future mil just announced that since she paid for half of the wedding cake, she wants ALL of the left over wedding cake.   

Make sure there isn't any left by the end of the night them. Keep scoffing it until it's gone!