The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Thanks everyone! I know one thing-DH and I will never ever move back to our hometown! Between his mom and my mom, I'd go certifiably insane!

I'm so fed up with his mom. He says she like she is because she has "back pain" and if she wasn't in pain then she would be nicer. We are going to two years of this and she isn't any nicer. 

SIL not returning Mr MLG's calls. Worried she has gone back to her 'passive aggressive, permanently angry' (but we have no clue why, as we are not mind readers) self, after a year or so of some peace with her. Sigh. 

I blocked mil And sil from being able to see my facebook updates last summer. I'd post something like "I had a sucky day at work." then within a few hrs mil or sil would call dh and say something like "omg!!! I saw where ImissEngland hates her job!!! Is she going to get fired?!?" It was like they were just tryig to stir up drama over every little post

so I blocked them. Then in December, dh was on fb at mils house and she saw my profile/status updates and figures out she can't see them. So now she keeps
asking dh when Am I going to "fix" my facebook since it's broken and she can't see my updates

so now I feel guilty becase I know she knows I have her blocked. But I really don't want all the drama over everything I post! I just don't know what to do at this point.   

I blocked mil And sil from being able to see my facebook updates last summer. I'd post something like "I had a sucky day at work." then within a few hrs mil or sil would call dh and say something like "omg!!! I saw where ImissEngland hates her job!!! Is she going to get fired?!?" It was like they were just tryig to stir up drama over every little post

so I blocked them. Then in December, dh was on fb at mils house and she saw my profile/status updates and figures out she can't see them. So now she keeps
asking dh when Am I going to "fix" my facebook since it's broken and she can't see my updates

so now I feel guilty becase I know she knows I have her blocked. But I really don't want all the drama over everything I post! I just don't know what to do at this point.   

You could un-block her and let her see a few harmless updates (or better yet, ones that say how happy you are and how much your husband loves you ), then if you ever need to post something that you think will cause drama, block her from seeing that particular post.  FB will let you choose to hide your status updates from certain people, you just have to fix the settings before you update. 

I went to Homebase the other night to get some gravel and plants for the front garden. MIL shows up unannounced (as is her custom), with a bunch of flowers for me to cheer me up (DH and I are separated at the moment), tells me how nice the garden looks and then says to me...wait for it...''I know how you feel''
I wanted to hit her because, no...she doesn't. Her DH never left her.
And then she must have gone and told DH that the garden looks nice, and he texts me the next day to tell me ''I heard the garden looks nice'' when I would prefer he just keep his chit chat to himself.

Dear MIL,

thanks for the email, but I'm not going to send "my new aunt" an email for her birthday or a present as you suggested. I just don't consider your husband's sister my new aunt. Or DH's aunt. I've never met the woman.  You sent her a wedding invite, but she didn't come or send a present.

Plus I thought you didn't do bdays. Remember last year when you ignored my bday and graduation? Then six months after the fact walked in my front door, said "here" and handed me an unwraped present - an ove glove?

Oh- just wanted to let you know since you forgot to ask how we're doing. DH is sick. He had s temp of 104 yesterday. I have a ruptured ear drum and a temp also. And we are moving next week and trying to get everything packed. I'm glad you're so concerned.

Dear MIL,

thanks for the email, but I'm not going to send "my new aunt" an email for her birthday or a present as you suggested. I just don't consider your husband's sister my new aunt. Or DH's aunt. I've never met the woman.  You sent her a wedding invite, but she didn't come or send a present.

Plus I thought you didn't do bdays. Remember last year when you ignored my bday and graduation? Then six months after the fact walked in my front door, said "here" and handed me an unwraped present - an ove glove?

Oh- just wanted to let you know since you forgot to ask how we're doing. DH is sick. He had s temp of 104 yesterday. I have a ruptured ear drum and a temp also. And we are moving next week and trying to get everything packed. I'm glad you're so concerned.

Wow, your MIL has no sense.  She's also got more than one screw loose in the old noggin.  Hope you and your hubby are feeling better soon.

Dear MIL,

thanks for the email, but I'm not going to send "my new aunt" an email for her birthday or a present as you suggested. I just don't consider your husband's sister my new aunt. Or DH's aunt. I've never met the woman.  You sent her a wedding invite, but she didn't come or send a present.

Plus I thought you didn't do bdays. Remember last year when you ignored my bday and graduation? Then six months after the fact walked in my front door, said "here" and handed me an unwraped present - an ove glove?

Oh- just wanted to let you know since you forgot to ask how we're doing. DH is sick. He had s temp of 104 yesterday. I have a ruptured ear drum and a temp also. And we are moving next week and trying to get everything packed. I'm glad you're so concerned.

I'm sorry IME!  My fil is crap too.  He never calls us or asks us how we are doing.  It really makes you feel part of the family doesn't it?  Mind you, after all her crazy, you might not want to be 'one of the family' as it may just give her licence to be even weirder.

I'm sorry IME!  My fil is crap too.  He never calls us or asks us how we are doing.  It really makes you feel part of the family doesn't it? 

This is my father.  It sucks. 

He never calls us or asks us how we are doing. 

I'm sorry so many people experience this, me included. It seems a common experience. I think maybe many people are just unaware how their lack of inaction can feel so hurtful. It sucks.

By and large, we rarely hear from the ILs and my sister never used to ring me, ever, because she'd say she was broke. We bought her and set up a webcam and skype about 5 years ago so it'd free, but she never used it.

Somewhere along the line she now calls 1/3 of the time. She then rediscovered the webcam maybe in the last year, told me about it like it was something new and exciting and I kept my mouth shut when all I wanted to say was, 'Yeah, I know. We bought it for you.'   

I have no idea why she started calling more, but I feel less resentful of the imbalance ion effort.

My FIL drives me crazy sometimes. I love him to bits, but we definitely disagree on some things and he doesn't listen at all. Mainly, these issues stem from the way we each deal with DSS. He has just turned 4 years old, so we are trying to focus on manners - being polite, asking for things instead of just grabbing whatever he wants, saying please and thank you, and that kind of thing. I know I am just his stepmom, but whenever he is with me, we do things my way. It's just the way it goes. I care about the little guy and don't want him to grow up with social issues and not knowing how to properly deal with people.

So, having said that, DH is working this morning and I took DSS over to the in-law's house for a brief visit at 8 am. He tries to get some sweeties off the counter, but can't reach them. I tell him that if he wants them, he needs to not try to grab them himself, but to ask grandma or granda if he can have them. (He hasn't even said hello to them, by the way, he is hiding in the kitchen). He then just pouts in the corner and still won't talk to anyone, so we ignore him for a few minutes. Then, he is digging in the freezer looking for ice cream. So, I go in there, shut the freezer door and tell him that he is not allowed any unless he goes in and asks grandma if he can have some. Meanwhile, FIL is shouting, "Just get one, son - help yourself! You can have whatever you want when you are here." Ummm, that is sooo not the point. Of course he can have whatever he wants at grandma's and will get it, that's what grandparents do, but he does need to learn to ask for things, otherwise he may go into someone else's house and just start rummaging through their fridge. Not cool. So, at least my MIL was on my side and told FIL to shut up and that I am just trying to teach DSS some manners. He grumbled something and said, "That's just what bairns do." Well, no, it isn't, if they are taught how to be polite. So, DSS still doesn't speak to anyone, pouts in the corner, refuses to ask for the ice cream, and is being very rude. So we get home and I send him to his room for 5 minutes to think about how instead of sitting in his room alone, he could've been polite and asked for an ice cream and he would've gotten one. I just feel like FIL doesn't respect me very much when it comes to DSS because I am not his mother, and that really gets to me. I know that I am not, but I am an adult in his life and I feel that it is proper and appropriate to try to support his development in any way I can, especially when his father is not here and I am the adult left in charge. Sure, I could just shrug it off, let him eat ice cream all day if he wants to and be rude to whoever he wants to and shout at people or whatever since he is only here 4 days a month, but since I care about him, I simply can't take that approach.  

ETA: He has been sweet ever since he came down from his room, and he just asked me, "May I please have a yoghurt?" and batted his eyes very cutely, so I think now he is learning how to really get his way. 

Jewlz, I don't think it's you, I think it's just how your FIL is towards everyone. Maybe you're a bit sensitive to it because you're not his mom. At least your MIL was on your side! It's hard not to take it personally, but it sounds like it's more his personality than some vendetta he has against you. He probably would have said the same thing to your husband if it had been him. BTW - I think you were doing great trying to teach him to say please and thank you! And it sounds like the time out worked!

J - I agree w/Bmore...this is how my parents are...if you want something just get it, but I do agree with having DSS learn manners. DD is only 2 but from day 1 we've said 'Please', 'Thank You', 'You're Welcome', 'Bless You', 'Excuse Me' and 'Pardon Me' and she understands it and uses them all the time without being reminded 75% of the time.

Sounds like he's getting it and you should be very proud.

Thanks for the input. It's tough because I just want to have fun with him, but I feel I am constantly saying no or whatever. I'm trying to get him used to certain rules at our house, like its fine to play with toys in the living room, but he has to tidy those toys up before he can get more toys out, otherwise, we'd all be tripping over things. He has to put his rubbish in the bin instead of leaving it on the floor. He has to ask permission before digging in the fridge and cupboards and just taking things. He has to say please and thank you and be polite. He is very helpful and doesn't mind being tidy or cleaning things when he is reminded to, so it's not too much of a problem and is getting a lot easier.

Unfortunately, he ignores people constantly and just won't speak to them if he doesn't feel like it, which is a much more difficult problem to deal with. If his grandparents come over, even though he loves them, he won't even look at them sometimes. He won't answer if they speak to him. We have to turn off the television or take away his toys to force him to acknowledge us or other people when we are speaking to him, and even then, sometimes he resists. I think this frustrates me the most.  I have no idea why he does this, but we all seem to think its because of his parents being split up, so he is at different houses at different times and it's like when he is with someone he is WITH them, and won't talk to anyone else. Like, if he's with me, and the grandparents come over, then he just clings to me or talks to me and refuses to talk to them. But if he is staying over at grandma's and his dad and I go to visit him there, he ignores us and clings to grandma. I don't think any of us know how to properly deal with this sort of behaviour and we are all just sort of waiting for him to grow out of it, but he has been this way ever since he was a baby, really. He would get used to one person at a time and then cry if someone else would try to interact with him. 

Oddly enough, he is better and sweeter with me than anyone else from what I can tell, when its just the two of us, so I guess I should be proud. He acts like a heathen at grandma's or when he is alone with dad, but is pretty well-behaved with me and seems to actually love me more for teaching him to behave himself. Like, after he came out of his room from the time out, I got lots of cuddles and attention from him and he is still being a little star. It makes me feel good because it seems he sort of craves that kind of discipline or instruction rather than disliking me because of it, if you know what i mean.

Glad that you're making him put his things away after he gets them out!  That will make a future partner of his very happy, not having to follow him around putting everything away that's been left out and/or nagging to remind to put things away...not that I have any experience with that... 

Do any other members of his family do the 'not speaking' thing?  Would it be behaviour he has learned from someone else?

In any case, good on you!