The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Oddly enough, he is better and sweeter with me than anyone else from what I can tell, when its just the two of us, so I guess I should be proud. He acts like a heathen at grandma's or when he is alone with dad, but is pretty well-behaved with me and seems to actually love me more for teaching him to behave himself. Like, after he came out of his room from the time out, I got lots of cuddles and attention from him and he is still being a little star. It makes me feel good because it seems he sort of craves that kind of discipline or instruction rather than disliking me because of it, if you know what i mean.

Well done, you.  I have read that childcare experts say that children really do want boundaries, discipline and authority.  They aren't able to make sense of their world by themselves, so they need adults to make sense of it for them.  If they are allowed to do whatever they want, they aren't able to deal with that.  Sounds like you are being an excellent parent!

Glad that you're making him put his things away after he gets them out!  That will make a future partner of his very happy, not having to follow him around putting everything away that's been left out and/or nagging to remind to put things away...not that I have any experience with that... 

Do any other members of his family do the 'not speaking' thing?  Would it be behaviour he has learned from someone else?

In any case, good on you! 

LOL... maybe its not too late for an old dog to learn new tricks? 
I don't think DSS has picked up the ignoring people habit from anyone else. It seems to just be something he does when he is being moody. It's getting a bit better than it was before, so hopefully it will continue to improve.

Well done, you.  I have read that childcare experts say that children really do want boundaries, discipline and authority.  They aren't able to make sense of their world by themselves, so they need adults to make sense of it for them.  If they are allowed to do whatever they want, they aren't able to deal with that.  Sounds like you are being an excellent parent!

Thanks! I certainly try. I may not have any of my own, so I get to focus all of my attention on him. He really is such a sweet little boy when he wants to be!    Plus I never want to be one of those poor women at the shop that is having to drag a kicking, screaming child around.  So it's really in my best interest, too!

Jewlz, I think the consistency that you provide likely makes him feel safe and loved. You can't put a price on that and it will help him develop quality relationships when he is older because that sort of thing helps build inner confidence.

It is frustrating when people undermine your parenting, though, intentionally or otherwise. Maybe it's worth having a chat with FIL about the values you are trying to indstill in DSS and let him know you understand that grandparenting role is meant to be a fun one, but you are hoping to provide DSS with consistency and could FIL help you with that?

Good luck with it.  ((Hugs))

I have read that childcare experts say that children really do want boundaries, discipline and authority.  They aren't able to make sense of their world by themselves, so they need adults to make sense of it for them.  If they are allowed to do whatever they want, they aren't able to deal with that. 

This is so true. Children that are well behaved are children that have boundries, rules and expectations placed on them. I know my daughter is only 2 but she knows what we expect.

She does have the tendancy to tune out when the television is on which is why we only let her watch it for a very limited period of time a day...the hour before bedtime which lets her be still (because she's always active and running about) and unwind before going to sleep. But try to talk to her or ask her to do something during that time is like talking to a brick wall. Also if she is tired she tunes out as well, so something to consider.

But you're really doing a great job J his behaviour shows that he respects you because of the things that you're doing. Keep it up!

Dear MIL,

thanks for the email, but I'm not going to send "my new aunt" an email for her birthday or a present as you suggested. I just don't consider your husband's sister my new aunt. Or DH's aunt. I've never met the woman.  You sent her a wedding invite, but she didn't come or send a present. 

Because of that drama, mil has announced that she is no longer going to acknowledge my birthday. (which is tomorrow) Not that she's ever realy done anything for
my bday before.  I'm not really angry about it all. My feelings are just really hurt. Last year after she gave me the ove glove and magnet, she talked on and on about how she was taking her husbands sister and her daughter to get nails done and massages. And totally excluded me.   

I'm trying to figure out what i've said/done to make her not like me so much. She's so cold towards me. She tells dh (when I'm not around) that she loves me/ thinks I'm great for him etc. But her attitude and actions towards me scream the opposite. 

Because of that drama, mil has announced that she is no longer going to acknowledge my birthday. (which is tomorrow) Not that she's ever realy done anything for
my bday before.  I'm not really angry about it all. My feelings are just really hurt. Last year after she gave me the ove glove and magnet, she talked on and on about how she was taking her husbands sister and her daughter to get nails done and massages. And totally excluded me.   

I'm trying to figure out what i've said/done to make her not like me so much. She's so cold towards me. She tells dh (when I'm not around) that she loves me/ thinks I'm great for him etc. But her attitude and actions towards me scream the opposite. 

Who did she announce this to? Ugh. She sounds like a real piece of work. I'd avoid her at all costs and pretend she was dead to me. Let your DH go and visit her alone and you just stay home and try to interact with her as little as possible is the only advice I can offer. I had a similar sort of experience where I dated a guy whose mother was insane and made horribly offensive and inappropriate comments to me. I told her she was a vile woman and I hoped to never see her again. Harsh, but hey, she isn't really your family, so best to try to forget she exists. At any rate, after the belated crappy gifts you got last year, you should count yourself lucky that she isn't buying you anything. What a wench.

But don't let her get you down! Just forget about her and have a fabulous birthday tomorrow! Treat yourself to a manicure or massage instead. 

Because of that drama, mil has announced that she is no longer going to acknowledge my birthday. (which is tomorrow) Not that she's ever realy done anything for
my bday before.  I'm not really angry about it all. My feelings are just really hurt. Last year after she gave me the ove glove and magnet, she talked on and on about how she was taking her husbands sister and her daughter to get nails done and massages. And totally excluded me.   

I'm trying to figure out what i've said/done to make her not like me so much. She's so cold towards me. She tells dh (when I'm not around) that she loves me/ thinks I'm great for him etc. But her attitude and actions towards me scream the opposite. 

I'd take all her crappy gifts and send them back to her COD.

I'm trying to figure out what i've said/done to make her not like me so much. She's so cold towards me. She tells dh (when I'm not around) that she loves me/ thinks I'm great for him etc. But her attitude and actions towards me scream the opposite. 

YOu will probably be a lot happier if you move on from why she is rude to you.  Some people are just nasty.  Or you may rub her the wrong way.  It doesn't even matter because she is the way she is for whatever reason.  In the meantime, you are the only one unhappy.

IME, some people are just really unhappy and take it out on others.

I'd give yourself some space from her as much as possible so you don't have to be subjected to that and then you can feel you have some control back about it. Sometimes not engaging is all you can do.

Good luck with it. It's a hard one. ((Hugs))

My FIL passed away the year after my husband and I got married.  He was a quadriplegic since my husband was 2yrs old.  (he was in the service and shot by a sniper in the back ).  My DH is their only child.  My MIL stayed home for 37 years and took care of my FIL without assistance.  I have allot of respect for her in that regard.  Which makes what I am going to say seem petty and unkind.....
My MIL is trying to live the life she was not able to through my husband.  There is nothing that he does that pleases her.  She wants him to do more, be better, and shine brighter.  It is exhausting.  I am constantly having to bite my tongue and stop myself from telling her how destructive she is to his  confidence and ego.   
In addition to her lovely talent of trying to tear my husband down on a day to day basis we have the added benefit of her elitist behaviour.  Money does not always equal class however she must have missed the memo.  It curdles her very soul that I am an American/southerner.  Sometimes when we visit her (monthly mandatory visit)  I say things like 'do i havta wear shoes?' or ' you mean taters ain't a finger food'  or my favorite.. 'why's  there all them forks- I only need one.. you want ona mine?'  the look of horror makes the visit bearable.

In addition to her lovely talent of trying to tear my husband down on a day to day basis we have the added benefit of her elitist behaviour.  Money does not always equal class however she must have missed the memo.  It curdles her very soul that I am an American/southerner.  Sometimes when we visit her (monthly mandatory visit)  I say things like 'do i havta wear shoes?' or ' you mean taters ain't a finger food'  or my favorite.. 'why's  there all them forks- I only need one.. you want ona mine?'  the look of horror makes the visit bearable.

Oh my... I don't have any advice to offer, but this did make me smile with sick and twisted delight!  I may have to try this one out next time someone makes a comment about all Texans being stupid Bush supporters... I'd like to think I do yokel pretty well when I want to. 

You really can't change people and these aspects of her personality are certainly not bound to go away or change anytime soon, but at least you only have to visit her once per month. I'm sure your DH knows his mother loves him in spite of all of her jabs, and I'm sure your support helps a lot.

Before I moved here, DH had moved in with his parents to save some money.  Because he was physically there and he always had a lot of extra cash on him (he really didn't have any bills at that point in time and was just saving it all), his parents and brother were continuously borrowing money from him.  

The thing now is that they are continuing to borrow money from him (which is now us!) every single month.  He went from a "single" man with no bills, to a husband and Dad who provides sole support for 3 people (with a baby on the way).  His mom has even said something to me a few weeks ago about how she knows he doesn't really have any extra money now that he has a family to support.  We aren't really struggling but we do have a budget for everything and we set money aside for things like weekly take-away, going to see a movie, taking my daughter out somewhere for the weekend, etc.  So when his family needs to borrow money, we have to use the money we saved for our extracurricular activities and then we have to sit at home all weekend.

The good thing is that they do pay us back every single month within 1-2 days of them getting paid (which proves they do have the money every month, they just need to learn how to budget better).  To me, that's not the point though.  The point is that we have to give up the things we have planned in order to give them money.  *As a side note...part of the reason giving them money pisses me off so much is because his mom is always borrowing money from us to put petrol in her car.  Why does she need to do that?  Because she lets his brother borrow the car and he returns it on empty.  But she continues to let him borrow the car, knowing that it will not have any petrol in it when she gets it back.  Well of course she does, because she knows she can just come down here and borrow money from us.*

DH doesn't have a problem with it at all because his view is "They pay us back every month so we're not losing anything."  He's not bothered by the fact that we might not have take-away, or we might not be able to take our daughter to the movies on the weekend or whatever because we have to wait X amount of days/weeks to get the money back from them.

I know I'm pregnant so that probably doesn't help things...but even before I moved here I thought it was really strange that his parents would end up owing him over £200 every month...yet they literally make 5 times more money than he does.

ARG!!  Just needed to vent.

That sounds like a sucky situation.

If your DH doesn't mind the money lending, would it be possible to bring it up with the in-laws? That might be awkward, but if you're confident they can afford the things they're borrowing money from you to buy, maybe they just don't realize that it's an imposition on you to have to lend them money.

Otherwise, your only solution is to stop lending them money, but that requires your DH to be on board with that plan.

Yeah, that situation does suck. And of course, it would really be up to DH to sort that with his folks, I would think. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking the lead in that role if they had been borrowing money from him before you moved in, if you know what I mean. I think you will have to really tell your DH how this makes you feel and that it is unfair for you to have to lend your pocket money to them and then be forced to stay at home because you can't afford to go out. Yes, they return the money, but as you said, that isn't really the point. If you have £20 and you planned on seeing a movie at the weekend, and then suddenly you have to loan them the £20 for fuel, then you are missing out on date nights and family time with your own kids. 

I'd take all her crappy gifts and send them back to her COD.

I threw them in the trash.

In all fairness, she did do better for Christmas. But she gave me all kitchen stuff and gave DH gift cards to his favorite stores. Which to me screamed that she thinks I'm expected to stay in the kitchen and cook. (Something she never does - they ate at restaurants almost every night when DH was growing up. ) I mean, why not give DH kitchen stuff? He helps cook too. 

They all suddenly remembered my birthday...five days after the fact.  His mother sent a text saying she had "something for me" at her house. But she didn't say happy birthday. DH's father called him for tech support and during the conversation he said he was sorry he had forgotten and for DH to tell me happy birthday. Why not just call me? 

I have my father's day presents bought and mailed. DH hasn't done anything for what he needs to buy and mail. I've reminded him once and I'm NOT doing it for him.