The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Sigh. J's parents invited him over for a father's day meal. 1.) They didn't invite me. Again. They never invite me when they're having a "special meal".  I don't get it. 
2.) J's way too much of a *bleep* to say when his mum calls to say "oh great, can Laura come?" "or "Laura and I will be over at 6", etc.  3.) I asked him if he was coming over to my house after the meal and he was like "I'm not sure, depends on the time, as I will be drinking and I can't drive over there" and I was like "Well don't your parents have to drive your brother home anyways?  Can't you ask them to drop you off here?" and J was like "Errr... well.... no.... you know what my parents are like...."  Really, what are they like? They blinkin hate me is what they're like!!!!   

That totally sucks. Do you think they'll be different once you eventually marry? Regardless, they don't have to be such jerks in the mean time!

That totally sucks. Do you think they'll be different once you eventually marry? Regardless, they don't have to be such jerks in the mean time!

I hope so. But I really doubt it.  
The thing that irks me most about it is that J won't call his parents to the carpet. He's terrified of doing it actually, and I can't figure out why.   

Sigh. J's parents invited him over for a father's day meal. 1.) They didn't invite me. Again. They never invite me when they're having a "special meal".  I don't get it. 
... Really, what are they like? They blinkin hate me is what they're like!!!!   

It may not be because they don't like you...It's Fathers Day and it's their family.

My parents, when we were having special family meals, always made it was clear that it was for family and girlfriends & boyfriends were not invited as they were not family. Sometimes things are discussed at family meals that do not need to involve outside people (the peanut gallery my mom likes to call non family members). Since no committment has been made & perhaps at this point in their lives they have seen a pattern of people coming & going and sometimes it's difficult for parents to watch their children go through that and maybe they don't want to get to know you if things don't work out with you & J then it will be less painful for them.

Just a thought... I doubt they hate you.

If you really want to spend some time with them they why don't you call them and invite them over to your place for dinner or invite them out for a meal just the four of you?... Neutral ground where everyone is equal is probably a good place to start.

It may not be because they don't like you...It's Fathers Day and it's their family.

My parents, when we were having special family meals, always made it was clear that it was for family and girlfriends & boyfriends were not invited as they were not family. Sometimes things are discussed at family meals that do not need to involve outside people (the peanut gallery my mom likes to call non family members). Since no committment has been made & perhaps at this point in their lives they have seen a pattern of people coming & going and sometimes it's difficult for parents to watch their children go through that and maybe they don't want to get to know you if things don't work out with you & J then it will be less painful for them.

Just a thought... I doubt they hate you.

If you really want to spend some time with them they why don't you call them and invite them over to your place for dinner or invite them out for a meal just the four of you?... Neutral ground where everyone is equal is probably a good place to start.

Yeah, you're probably right... It's really just a vent I suppose, because its all a foreign concept to me. At my parents house, everyone and anyone is welcome, at any time, and boyfriends and girlfriends are family (especially ones who have been together 2 years!)

However his parents sure as heck don't ever even want to know about me. They never ask J about me, when we see them out and about, his mum scorns me, definitely can't just "drop in for tea" or anything to see them.  Whenever we do invite them out or over for dinner, it has to be on their terms and the conversation has to go in the direction they want it to go in. J has weekly meals with his parents and I'm never invited along, nor are we ever allowed to host the meal.  And believe me, his mum has had her fair share of "talks with J about how I'm inappropriate and she's doesn't like me and how I'm only after money (what money???) and that I'm not good for him, etc..."
Whenever I do see them, I am pleasant, I have brought cookies and flowers and wine and I use my napkin and I offer to pay and I offer to bring things and I ask after them.  I dunno....  

I'm really sorry you feel like they don't like you, Phatbeetle.  But....

It's Fathers Day and it's their family.

...honestly, I would be perfectly happy if DH's family left me out of their Father's Day stuff.  Not that I don't like them, because I do, very much, and they have always made me feel like part of their family, which I appreciate.  It's just that "family gatherings" always, inevitably, include DH, me, MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and SIL's parents.  Sometimes her brother comes along and brings his partner.  Not long ago he brought not only his partner but a random friend no one had ever met before    I don't understand why we can't have gatherings with just MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, DH and me.  Why do her parents always.have.to.come.along?  They're nice people and all, but there is never a plan when we all get together so we always end up wandering aimlessly with everyone going "what should we do?  I don't mind, really, anything, no I'm not bothered either, I don't care, no, whatever you want...." on and on.  A few weeks ago, we all went to London to go on the Eye, something DH, BIL, SIL, and I had promised MIL for her birthday ages ago, and to which SIL's parents had subsequently invited themselves.  Well, the Eye only took an hour or two, and we had the whole day left to fill.  I wanted to go to Piccadilly to do some quick shopping, so whilst they were all hemming and hawing about what they should do, I said I'd go and quickly take care of my stuff then meet them at wherever they ended up.  I didn't tell them what my errands were, because frankly I didn't see that it was any of their business.  Turns out that all the while I was gone, they were quizzing DH about my "mysterious" errand, and when he said he didn't know what I was doing they said "You two don't really know each other very well, do you?"  The bl**dy nerve!  These are people I barely know and to whom I am in no way related so I see no reason to justify my actions to them.  So today, we went to Weymouth and walked for ages to find this fish and chip place that MIL liked, only to have SIL and her mother get in a strop because the hassled waitress was short with them when they wanted her to find space for eight adults and a baby in a pushchair in a restaurant that's half the size of my living room.  At the height of the lunchtime rush.  So we ended up having mediocre sandwiches at the only place that could accommodate us.  Plus, my nephew is the only grandchild for both sets of grandparents, and the only child for BIL and SIL, so whenever he cries six people immediately dive headlong for him and start making cooing noises that are really quite scary.  Then whenever I hold him, there is always this subtle air of everyone keeping a slightly resentful eye on me because since I am the only one not related to him by blood and since I have no children of my own, they seem to think that I should be completely at a loss for how to handle him, yet he never cries when I hold him.  Probably because I never hold him an eighth of an inch from my face and shriek at him.  I just find it all a bit tedious, plus we tend to see them (including SIL's parents) every couple of weeks, so really I wouldn't mind if they wanted Father's Day to be "just family."  Sorry this isn't really an in-law rant, but a husband's-brother's-unmarried partner's-parents rant

Sigh. J's parents invited him over for a father's day meal. 1.) They didn't invite me. Again. They never invite me when they're having a "special meal".  I don't get it. 
2.) J's way too much of a *bleep* to say when his mum calls to say "oh great, can Laura come?" "or "Laura and I will be over at 6", etc.  3.) I asked him if he was coming over to my house after the meal and he was like "I'm not sure, depends on the time, as I will be drinking and I can't drive over there" and I was like "Well don't your parents have to drive your brother home anyways?  Can't you ask them to drop you off here?" and J was like "Errr... well.... no.... you know what my parents are like...."  Really, what are they like? They blinkin hate me is what they're like!!!!   

Jerks! 

Yeah, you're probably right... It's really just a vent I suppose, because its all a foreign concept to me. At my parents house, everyone and anyone is welcome, at any time, and boyfriends and girlfriends are family (especially ones who have been together 2 years!)

However his parents sure as heck don't ever even want to know about me. They never ask J about me, when we see them out and about, his mum scorns me, definitely can't just "drop in for tea" or anything to see them.  Whenever we do invite them out or over for dinner, it has to be on their terms and the conversation has to go in the direction they want it to go in. J has weekly meals with his parents and I'm never invited along, nor are we ever allowed to host the meal.  And believe me, his mum has had her fair share of "talks with J about how I'm inappropriate and she's doesn't like me and how I'm only after money (what money???) and that I'm not good for him, etc..."
Whenever I do see them, I am pleasant, I have brought cookies and flowers and wine and I use my napkin and I offer to pay and I offer to bring things and I ask after them.  I dunno....  

Weird, mean jerks! 
I bet you make more money than J (not that it matters) and for cripes sake they are the ones being extremely inappropriate.  I wish J would stick up for you more, pb. 

Weird, mean jerks! 
I bet you make more money than J (not that it matters) and for cripes sake they are the ones being extremely inappropriate.  I wish J would stick up for you more, pb. 

Thanks Andee.  I wish he would stick up for me too.   
My parents love him! 

Sorry this isn't really an in-law rant, but a husband's-brother's-unmarried partner's-parents rant

Wow, that's crazy!!!!

Just...wow. I've only just found this thread, and have just read the whole thing. Phatbeetle, I can't believe what they are putting you through! I don't understand why some families are like that. I wouldn't even know what to do in that situation! I suppose just be thankful that they don't invite you over, because otherwise you'd have to be around their negative attitude all the time, who needs it?

I'm thrilled I found this thread, because I've got some serious venting myself....

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. In that time, I've gotten to know his family quite well (mother and two brothers). I thought everything was going really well, until one fateful day and one forgotten cup of tea...

My boyfriend, his mother and I all went to a football game together in London. She had come down from the North to join us. We had asked her for the two weeks prior if she would stay with us for the weekend, and she continually said no, as she had to take care of her grandchild the next morning (totally understandable, we figured she wanted to be at home so she could clean up and be ready for the baby to come over early, so we never questioned her on it). During the game, she said this out loud to me, my boyfriend, and another friend who had come with us that the baby was why she wasn't staying with us. I had really wanted her to stay with us, as I had an intense ankle surgery happening on the Monday, and I have no family in this country to support me through it. But still, her one year old grandchild comes first (I would never question that).

During the game, she got up to go to the bathroom, and then came back. I then went down and bought a cup of tea, and came back upstairs.

Ankle surgery goes by, life goes on, ONE MONTH later (while I'm still recovering), my boyfriend is having a text message fight with his brother (they were arguing about something stupid). His brother, in the heat of the fight, adds insult to injury and asks "and whats all this I hear about Kelly not liking mom". Ummm...what?? (this is a family that I got along with very well up until this point).

Through further questioning, we find out the story. Apparently, when I had got a cup of tea for myself, I did not ask her if she wanted one as well (a mistake, I know). She thought this was the RUDEST thing in the world, and told the entire family who live in another part of England, that I had done this on purpose because I was upset at her, and that I had been hostile to her the whole game. She then told everyone in the family (and family friends as well) that my boyfriend and I had just shoved her on a coach back home, even though she's an older woman and we should have invited her to stay with us (she's only in her 50's by the way, and always takes coaches to football games). wwwhhhaaatttt?!?!?!?

When I got on the phone with her, she was so cold in telling me how rude I was to her. I was in BUCKETS of tears (and I am not a crier, at all). I reminded her several times that we had asked her to stay with us, and that she told us she had to take care of the baby, and she said "I never said that". What? So what am I supposed to do, call her a liar?

This became a huge incident in the family. The brothers felt really bad, because they realized that I had not done anything to their mom. But now the relationship between me and her is so strained (at least in my eyes). We NEVER talked about the incident, and she never apologized. I've done so much for that family in the past 3 years, including painting flats for family members, taking professional portraits (for FREE), and having even been at the birth of my boyfriends niece, at 5am at the hospital. Yet I get thrown under the bus for a cup of tea??? This was only a few months ago as well!

I'm just dumbstruck. Its not only the incident, but the fact that she told the ENTIRE family that I hated her, and never said anything to my boyfriend and I. So her family spent a month thinking I was hostile to her.

Every time I've seen her since, she acts like nothing happened. Did I imagine all of this or what?

Not sure what I'm supposed to do now. Do I just act normal, and wait for her to do something like this again?

Ugh...

Wow Kelly.     Uggh. 

Hugs to both Kelly and Phatbeetle.

I've started to think that my in laws just don't think before they speak, esp MiL. For example, she's likes to play the martyr, and say that "no one" helps her round the house, and that she's the only one who does anything, and that the doctor's told her that she can't be on her feet for many hours, etc. etc. Even though, both DH and I continuously ask and offer our help.  Last week was a real good one. After breakfast, MiL, FiL and I were sitting and watching telly, and she just says,(deadpan)"I do the most hours out of anyone in this house, and I work the hardest." I was just gobsmacked. For some reason, that was enough to reduce me to complete tears. I cried for about 10 to 15 min in our bedroom. I don't deny that she does a lot around the house. The frustrating thing is that she'll turn down our offers of help, but then turn around and act like we're a lot of ungrateful beings.

That's enough of a vent. Just had to get it off my chest. I've told DH, and he said not to pay her any mind, that's she's been saying the same for the past 40 odd years. Still, it hurts when you hear it.

Don't ask, just do.  Ask your husband to help as well (it shouldn't be all on you).  I had to do this with my MiL who either refused to give me any idea where I could help out, or would treat me like an utter child and/or moron "supervising" me.  But then again, I have what appears to be an awful relationship with my inlaws so take that advice with a grain of salt maybe.   When are you planning to move out?

Speaking of the inlaws, we went there a few days ago.  They still owe us money, and Mr A has told them it was entirely acceptable to send £10-20 at a time.  We had our first lot of money from them since we moved (this money was built up over the last year that we were there) a few weeks ago.  This month has been hard because we had a lot of prescriptions to pay for, our cat needed a vet visit, etc.  BiL told Mr A they couldn't send anything this week as they are utterly skint.  But somehow, they had money to go out for KFC (which my BiL broke his tooth on).  Add to this that in the months since we have moved out, BiL has been to Ukraine twice, they've repapered our old room (which was papered when we moved in), etc, etc. 

So BiL and FiL (FiL is convinced they owe us nothing as they must have paid and has made comments about "getting a bill when BiL pays us) were out.  MiL is all sweet, but of course when there is a conversation, everything I say is totally irrelevant it seems.  I know I am socially awkward, but FFS, I know I am not that bad. 

She tells me that she always used to tumble dry Mr A's clothes, and I should too, because of his allergies.  And she uses the simplest language ("the little bits in the air") like I couldn't understand such concepts as "pollen".  I explained that Mr A has agreed that we should air dry.  It saves on electric.  It smells better.  It kills the other allergens like mildew when it is hung out.  It prevents moths.  It saves the environment.  And tumble drying wouldn't prevent him from being exposed to pollen.  He's outside for hours a day.  To be honest, the cat hair that ends up in a tumble dryer can't be any better than pollen.  She gave absolutely no response (and I said it politely).  I would have just nodded and said something like "I will keep that in mind," but that just means to her that she hasn't convinced me properly.  She will then repeat the same thing over the next time I see her.  She does this with everything until people do what she wants them to do.

So we were talking about her moving her massive living room curtains downstairs to our old bedroom when they move their bedroom into that room.  I told her that she should line them or get an inner curtain because they won't stop the light, and facing the east, the sun will wake them early in the spring and summer.  I touched her curtain to show her how shear they actually were, and she walked over and set it straight.  Now, it's not like she had some fancy curtain arrangement, and it wasn't neat to begin with.  Nor did she straighten the other.  It was all I could do to not roll my eyes.

Whenever we visit them, it makes me hate the person I am around them.  I tried to explain this to Mr A when we were living there.  I'd like to be able to say I could ignore their perceptions, but somehow, their perceptions and how they seem to manipulate each encounter makes me feel horrible.  I feel fat, clumsy, disruptive, stupid, childish, horrible, ignorant, AMERICAN, and it sort of brings all of those things out in me.  I don't know if anyone else can relate.

Right now I could happily avoid seeing them all outside of "family occasions".

it makes me hate the person I am around them.

I understand this completely.  It is so tough, because dealing with in-laws can be like getting on a nasty roundabout from hell and you can't get off.

You want to be nice around them, and you tell yourself you will be, and that it can't be that hard, it is not like they are evil, just different.  After all, they produced the man who is your DH, so they can't be all that bad.    And then...when you are with them again, it just doesn't happen all nice and pleasant the way you had it mapped out in your head.  It is frustrating beyond belief.   And on and on it goes.

Hugs and sympathy LA!  :-)

This:

Whenever we visit them, it makes me hate the person I am around them.

And this:

You want to be nice around them, and you tell yourself you will be, and that it can't be that hard, it is not like they are evil, just different.  After all, they produced the man who is your DH, so they can't be all that bad.    And then...when you are with them again, it just doesn't happen all nice and pleasant the way you had it mapped out in your head.  It is frustrating beyond belief.   And on and on it goes.

I've found that doing an activity (if I can get them to) rather than just sitting at their house or our house helps distract everyone a little bit.  Otherwise, I hear a string of subtle (and not so subtle) jabs that make me feel worthless and resentful.

Thanks, Karrit and Tin.  The activity thing I would love, and it's a good suggestion, but they aren't activity people really.  Even going out for a meal or cup of coffee is complicated because of my MiL's Coeliac's.

It isn't like when I lived there at least, and I can put it out of my mind.  When something reminds me, or we are planning a visit, it just gets overwhelming.