The official UKY inlaw venting thread

We're doing Christmas with my family, then with the inlaws this weekend. I'm dreading it. DH's mother just does not get that I have asthma, and therefore cannot go to her smoke-infested house. (Mil's husband chain smokes in her home.) She had a cry-baby fit and told DH that the only thing she wanted for Xmas was for me and him to come over, she cook for us, then we all sit around and play cards just like their family did before DH moved out to go to college. (Which is BS- she never cooked. They eat out almost every single night.)

 He had some vacation time he needed to use up, so he took the bait and went to her home. His mom's "cooking him a big birthday meal" consisted of her microwaving and defrosting a very bland and simple meal. That's it. Not even a bday cake. They were unable to play their favorite card game because it needs four players, and MIL's husband refused to come play because he was "too sick."

They gave DH a $25 old navy gift card and a soap/deodorant set. And they didn't bother wrapping them. He was so disappointed. We had put so much thought and effort into their bday gifts during the year. For 2011 bdays, MIL and SIL are  getting $25 gift cards and a soap set. But then DH started talking about it, and we figured out that's the exact same thing they've given him every year since he moved out. To make it worse, DH ended up with a sinus infection when he got home. And he was so moody and sad/disappointed.

I am absolutely just sick with dread and anxiety at the prospect of having to go visit my MiL tomorrow.

The last time we visited her was the 2nd of this month, since she didn't want to see any of us on Christmas which she 'boycotted' again...but then she tried to give us £100 as a 'gift' but then wanted us to give her receipts to show how we spent it. DH flat out refused it. It was the same day we told her about my being approved British Citizenship and her response was 'well that just proves that they just give that to anyone now doesn't it'. I was completely gutted...my Naturalisation ceremony is this coming Tuesday and somehow it just doesn't mean as much to me anymore.

I know if I have to see her tomorrow it will just be another case of her snide digs about the US, veiled comments about my weight and just plain rudeness to my husband & little girl.

Each day that passes I know that were a bit closer to moving away from this awful woman and I honestly won't miss her one bit when we leave...I just wish I knew when we were leaving...but that's a rant for a different reason & belongs in a different place.

At the end of it all, I just need a hug from my mommy. 

WebyJ, do not allow this horrible woman to ruin something you have spent the last three years working towards.  Your naturalisation ceremony is a big deal, and her bigoted and ignorant opinions have no bearing on it at all.  Put her out of your mind and enjoy what you've earned.  (((((((hugs)))))))

I second Historyenne.  I am probably old enough to be your mother so I am sending you hundreds of hugs.  If anyone deserves to be a UKC, it is you.   

Thank you...I don't know how I'd cope without this community...no one else (except my husband) seems to get it...I should be so happy about finally getting to the Citizenship point, but it's hard to celebrate & be happy about it when others seem so meh about it, especially when what we really want is to get DH's US visa...that's how my life in the UK has been. Little milestones & things that would normally be celebrated are just kinda marked by the day passing...it's like nothing is special anymore.

Sorry, just having a really hard time lately and I can't see it ending anytime soon.

But thank you for the support & hugs, they do help.

I'm sorry WebyJ... At least you know all of us are pulling for you and sending you support and fond wishes your way. 

  My In law issues are just beginning... Ugh- I forgot how annoying they can be.

My MIL is a very well meaning person, and for the most part we get along. However, I have noticed she has been undermining my authority when it comes to my eldest son. I think she believes I'm too strict with him, he's 8 and is starting to push boundaries- so when I tell him "No" I mean it, and I don't back down. She however will give in to him, and will say "Oh go on then, let him do this/have that".  I've only just married her son, and feel like I can't tell her to back off. Now she's moved on to my 4 month old, she gave him a french fry immediately after I told her how I didn't want to start weaning him yet. I mean come on! Really??!!

 I know it's little things, but I feel like this is just the start.  If I don't nip this in the butt now, I know it will just get worse... Ugh. In Laws!!!

Hi, WebyJ,

Kaitlyn's mom, Amy here, I have sort of taken over her spot here for a bit.  Anyway, as a mom, this brings tears to my eyes to think that this woman could be so horrid to her son's wife, let alone to someone who seems as nice as you.  I am so sorry that she is ugly to you.  Gaining your citizenship is no small feat, as all who read this forum know.  You should be so proud that you have accomplished it, and I hope you find a way to celebrate and enjoy something that really is a BIG milestone. (Well I think gaining citizenship there or in the US is a HUGE BIG DEAL!)

I hope you get through your visit to MIL without too much more trauma inflicted on you.  Hum a silly tune silently to yourself . . .

This thread is a great reminder to me of all the things I do NOT want to do when the day comes (hopefully) that I am a MIL to my daughter's lovely English man.

I am absolutely just sick with dread and anxiety at the prospect of having to go visit my MiL tomorrow.

The last time we visited her was the 2nd of this month, since she didn't want to see any of us on Christmas which she 'boycotted' again...but then she tried to give us £100 as a 'gift' but then wanted us to give her receipts to show how we spent it. DH flat out refused it. It was the same day we told her about my being approved British Citizenship and her response was 'well that just proves that they just give that to anyone now doesn't it'. I was completely gutted...my Naturalisation ceremony is this coming Tuesday and somehow it just doesn't mean as much to me anymore.

I know if I have to see her tomorrow it will just be another case of her snide digs about the US, veiled comments about my weight and just plain rudeness to my husband & little girl.

Each day that passes I know that were a bit closer to moving away from this awful woman and I honestly won't miss her one bit when we leave...I just wish I knew when we were leaving...but that's a rant for a different reason & belongs in a different place.

At the end of it all, I just need a hug from my mommy. 

What a very damaged person your MiL is.  Please know that.  Seriously damaged.  Here's a hug from me........   Hold your head up high WebyJ!

Thank you Amy...the hardest part of this whole thing is that she is the only family my husband has here and she & I used to have a wonderful relationship. After our daughter was born in May 2008 (I was in hospital for 5 days and never once did she visit) and our trip to California later that year (we took her all expenses paid by us that she never thanked us for and was completely horrid to my family the entire 10 days) she has been nothing but hurtful and vile to me and disparaging my husband all the time. I just don't understand what we've done, I just don't get it.

All it does is makes us want to go back to the US even more...I just hope we leave before our daughter is old enough to remember how her grandmother treated her & her parents.


Andee - I think you must be right. My mother says that MiL is just a lonely, old woman and to feel sorry for her (my mother is an absolute saint). I try to be as understanding as I can be, but after everything she has done (hitting DD in front of me, belittling her own son countless times, selfish manipulating behaviour) I just can't do it any more.


The good thing is that my husband came home today and said we're not going tomorrow, he wasn't going to subject our family to that kind of abuse and since he is working next weekend and we're on holiday the two weeks after that it will be some time before we have to think about seeing her again.

Now I think I need to go call my mom.

That's really sad weby. 

And go to your citizenship ceremony with your head held high.  You have every right to be proud and happy and be British.  Well done you!

I'm sorry you're going through this WebyJ, esp when
you've worked so hard for this milestone. You've done the best you can to have an amicable.
positive relationship with your MiL! Sending good thoughts and prayers to you and your family!

Thanks PB, I'm gonna try...I guess my husband & I will find a way to celebrate even if just a little bit.

Abby -- Thank you 

Weby- your post made me cry.  I'm so sorry someone has made you feel so awful.  At least you have your lovely hubby and daughter to support you in hard times.  All my best thoughts you get home to mom soon. You will.

WebyJ, I'm so sad to think of the joy your MIL has taken from you - over something that means so much to you -and rightfully so. Don't give her that power anymore, if you can help it.

I say this as someone who is estranged from my BIL/SIL (DH's brother and wife), after many years of hurtfulness.  I finally had to step back and say "enough!" and practice a kind of Buddhist-like detachment.  It felt really wrong to me at first, since I am very close to my family and was raised to believe family comes first, always.  But toxic is toxic, family or no, and I feel much freer since I stopped caring what they think of me. 

You know what they say Weby...You can chose your friends but not your family! Stay strong because you have so many people that do care even if the people that are supposed to don't! Congrats on such a BIG achievement! 

I know it's little things, but I feel like this is just the start.  If I don't nip this in the butt now, I know it will just get worse... Ugh. In Laws!!!

Girlfriend, You are so right! You should definitely lay down the law (in a nice way) to your MIL before she gets to comfortable "taking over" your role as a mother. Maybe your husband should mention it to her if you feel too uncomfortable. Good luck!