The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Dear MIL,

Please stop asking about my job hunt every time I see you. Yes, I'm looking for one. No, I don't have one yet. I'll let you know when this changes. Also, please stop bringing up the fact that I need a job several times every time I see you. It makes me feel like crap.

Sincerely,

DIL 

Wow, that must suck.

Mine is similar but not nearly as bad, my SIL just doesn't "get" that we go back to Austin at least once a year, it costs an absolute fortune and that's ENOUGH (much more than enough).

I want to go to more fun places, I want to take the boy through Europe, not always back to the US, also he doesn't want to go, it's nothing to do with me,if he was all like "I'm homesick!" I'd be pleased to go but he acts like it's torture every time it comes up, so acting snotty with me is pointless! I'd GO if he wanted to, he doesn't! He just doesn't want to upset you and I'm too nice a person to say "blame it on your stupid brother lady!"

Dear MIL,

Please stop asking about my job hunt every time I see you. Yes, I'm looking for one. No, I don't have one yet. I'll let you know when this changes. Also, please stop bringing up the fact that I need a job several times every time I see you. It makes me feel like crap.

Sincerely,

DIL 

OMG, I remember this SO MUCH from when I was unemployed.  It wasn't my ILs, though, it was my own friends!  You'd have thought they'd have had more sense.

Thanks, ladies! I try not to let it bug me because I know she's not saying it to be mean.


CB, I understand what you mean. DH and I want to go on a honeymoon and have my parents visit us here before we make our way back to the US and people are already bugging me about coming home for a visit. I miss home, but not so much that I want to take all my vacations there. I want to take advantage of living in Europe!

Tracey, thanks for understanding! I've only legally been allowed to work for a matter of weeks. I'm a recent college graduate, with zero UK experience in a crap economy with a very tough job market. I was well aware it was going to be hard to land a job, so I'm not sure why it's hard for her to understand.

Anyway, I really do like my MIL. It's just this one thing that's bothering me.

Thanks, ladies! I try not to let it bug me because I know she's not saying it to be mean.


CB, I understand what you mean. DH and I want to go on a honeymoon and have my parents visit us here before we make our way back to the US and people are already bugging me about coming home for a visit. I miss home, but not so much that I want to take all my vacations there. I want to take advantage of living in Europe!

Tracey, thanks for understanding! I've only legally been allowed to work for a matter of weeks. I'm a recent college graduate, with zero UK experience in a crap economy with a very tough job market. I was well aware it was going to be hard to land a job, so I'm not sure why it's hard for her to understand.

Anyway, I really do like my MIL. It's just this one thing that's bothering me.

Have you asked your husband to pull her aside and let her know that, while you both know she's asking from a place of love, every time you have to say "no, not yet" you feel like a failure?

Obviously you're not a failure. It's a difficult job market for Brits and moreso for someone without British qualifications. But when applications are met with silence it's hard not to let it get to you 

Have you asked your husband to pull her aside and let her know that, while you both know she's asking from a place of love, every time you have to say "no, not yet" you feel like a failure?

This is going to be my next step. Thanks for the advice. 

My MIL has been away on the mainland for the past two weeks.  It's been lovely. 

She's been home for six hours now.  The whole house smells like an ashtray (which does wonders for the chest colds that we all have), and she promptly got drunk and has been alternating between angry ranting about how horrible everyone is, crying about how alone she is and how horrible everyone is, arguing with my husband, and crying to the dog that he's the only one who understands her because they 'come from the same place.'  Oh, how I've missed her alcoholic mood-swings.

Also, she's apparently too drunk to close the bathroom door when she's on the toilet.

I can't wait to see what kind of performance she puts on when my family visit over the next couple of months.

I get along quite well with my FIL than with my MIL. She is very stubborn and won't accept my help even though she's on crutchs. Today my husband and I tried to do the house chores so she wouldnt have to, but nooo... She had to go and make us feel terrible by going upstairs and clean the bathrooms along with hoovering the stairs. It's stressing my husband and me out. I'm annoyed with my husband because he keeps lecturing me about how I should be a mind reader and do what I think needs to be cleaned instead of asking her if there is anything I could do. I know it's not his fault and that he's trying to help me when he's at work and I'm home alone with her. There are days when she and I get along just fine and everything. I think she might be upset about my miscarriage that I had three or four days before I wedded her oldest son.

I hope I'm posting this in the right place, as it is not so much a rant about my in-laws as it is a plea for advice.

I met my husband's family (mother and brother) in November of last year.  His mother is quite lovely and endearing, and his brother very cool.  I thought I'd gotten lucky in that department.

Fast-forward to our wedding in August of this year, and everything seemed to change rather drastically.  A group of 7 Brits (4 friends, 3 family members) came out for the wedding and stayed for about 2 weeks so we could all take time to do a small road trip around Texas (where I'm from).  We had a few days free prior to the wedding, and a week afterward to mess around.  Everything was great up until the day after the wedding, and then I just wanted to off myself because everything was so painful afterward.

The friends who came out were very understanding of the situation (hello! we just got married!) but we were constantly driving hubby's family around because his mother was too scared to drive, and she was the only other one insured on the rental car (and we counldn't've rented two cars because the second would've gone to waste for the same reason - brother too young to rent a car, uncle also too frightened to drive).  Absolutely everything we did had to be catered toward them.  We got almost no time to ourselves, except the evenings in various hotel rooms, which were generally spent sleeping.

Months prior to this whole trip, hubby had planned up a tentative itinerary of things to do while in Texas, which nobody really seemed to contest (his friends had rented their own cars, though, and were kind of doing their own thing).  However, oftentimes we'd find ourselves wasting a lot of time by driving somewhere, THEN finding out his mother/brother/uncle wasn't/weren't interested in doing it.  This couldn't have been brought up beforehand, so we could figure out an alternative?

There was a lot of complaining going on in the back of the car where my husband's family was sitting, and this typically led to arguments between my husband and his family.  I vowed to keep my mouth shut, because I didn't really feel it was my place to speak up, although I was fuming most of the time.  Partway through the trip, I got sick and my fuse was much shorter than normal.

This is just a general overview of what happened, although I feel like there's a lot more involved.  That said...  I feel like my husband and I gave up what should have been our honeymoon so we could show his family around my homestate, a place my husband is also proud to call his second home.  I feel like, while our wedding day itself was perfect, the week afterward was completely ruined by his family.

Now, I'm hesitant to spend any time with his family (mother, especially) because the whole vacation just left a bad taste in my mouth.  I know eventually we'll have to do holiday visits, but at this time I'm not at all interested in visiting her (literally... Hubby: "You know we'll have to see mum for Christmas." Me: "You can go."). I'm not sure how to get over my anger/hurt over what happened.

Any ideas? :/

I know you're probably upset because you feel like your honeymoon was ruined and a honeymoon with your inlaws is definitely not my idea of fun!  

But also look at it from the persepective of your in-laws?  (I'm not defending them just trying to give you another view!)
They came all the way over for your wedding, (a BIG holiday for them? Costing a fair whack of £££?) they were in a foreign country, of which you're a native,  and they probably wanted to share it all with you and because you're a native, it was a lot easier to have you plan and do things because you're familiar with everything and they didn't have to stress or worry. She was probably nervous and scared or whatever as well.  Its a very daunting task to drive on the other side of the road, just look at at the number of people who have moved here and don't want to learn to drive, and they're not on holiday!!  (I myself caused nearly 300 euros worth of damage to a car in Ireland when I was on holiday, so I can see the nervousness!) Now as for doing things they probably didn't want to speak up that they didn't want to do the thing planned probably because they didn't want to rock the boat, but when push came to shove, they then didn't actually want go ahead with it.  

You probably had it built up in your mind that you were going to have a good 'ole honeymoon, when in actuality, you became a tour director.  They probably wanted to take that into account, but were nervous,scared about being in a new enviornment, etc.  I would suggest when time and funds allow, that you and hubby take a new honeymoon!

Have they spoken with your hubby after the trip? Did they have a nice time?  Were they thrilled about it?  

However, you said there's a lot more involved - so I can't really say for sure.  
Is there something else leaving a bad taste in your mouth about not visiting his family?  Has his Mum been snippy afterwards?   Has your hubby spoken to them about 'your ruined honeymoon?'

Really, I think you're gonna have to let water go under the bridge and visit his Mum. It will be on her home turf now, she probably won't be so nervous and things will probably be OK - sounds like you a had a nice relationship before without anything underlying,  so just try to forgive and forget?  If after another visit things are still strained, it would be time to consider other tactics. Its now your new family, love 'em or lump 'em, you can't really back away now.

Good luck!

(Feel free to ignore everything I say, as I'm not married, but my boyfriend's Mum had a really tough time with me for a long time but I've just killed her with kindness and at least we can get on OK now)

I'm sorry that you are feeling upset, but I think you shouldn't give up on your mother in law either. If you made plans for/with them in the week following your wedding, they probably didn't realize it was meant to be your honeymoon as well.

I suppose I just wanted to lend support to phatbeetle's argument, you shouldn't discount her just because she isn't married!

Phatbeetle makes some very good points. Personally, I think you deserve a medal for including your inlaws in your honeymoon plans at all! 

I know you're probably upset because you feel like your honeymoon was ruined and a honeymoon with your inlaws is definitely not my idea of fun!   

But also look at it from the persepective of your in-laws?  (I'm not defending them just trying to give you another view!)
They came all the way over for your wedding, (a BIG holiday for them? Costing a fair whack of £££?) they were in a foreign country, of which you're a native,  and they probably wanted to share it all with you and because you're a native, it was a lot easier to have you plan and do things because you're familiar with everything and they didn't have to stress or worry. She was probably nervous and scared or whatever as well.  Its a very daunting task to drive on the other side of the road, just look at at the number of people who have moved here and don't want to learn to drive, and they're not on holiday!!  (I myself caused nearly 300 euros worth of damage to a car in Ireland when I was on holiday, so I can see the nervousness!) Now as for doing things they probably didn't want to speak up that they didn't want to do the thing planned probably because they didn't want to rock the boat, but when push came to shove, they then didn't actually want go ahead with it. 

You probably had it built up in your mind that you were going to have a good 'ole honeymoon, when in actuality, you became a tour director.  They probably wanted to take that into account, but were nervous,scared about being in a new enviornment, etc.  I would suggest when time and funds allow, that you and hubby take a new honeymoon!

Have they spoken with your hubby after the trip? Did they have a nice time?  Were they thrilled about it? 

However, you said there's a lot more involved - so I can't really say for sure. 
Is there something else leaving a bad taste in your mouth about not visiting his family?  Has his Mum been snippy afterwards?   Has your hubby spoken to them about 'your ruined honeymoon?'

Really, I think you're gonna have to let water go under the bridge and visit his Mum. It will be on her home turf now, she probably won't be so nervous and things will probably be OK - sounds like you a had a nice relationship before without anything underlying,  so just try to forgive and forget?  If after another visit things are still strained, it would be time to consider other tactics. Its now your new family, love 'em or lump 'em, you can't really back away now.

Good luck!

(Feel free to ignore everything I say, as I'm not married, but my boyfriend's Mum had a really tough time with me for a long time but I've just killed her with kindness and at least we can get on OK now)

Wow, I wasn't expecting such an in-depth response!

I tell you, I'm trying desperately to view things from their perspective, although it'd be a heck of a lot easier if I could just jump inside her head and see what's going on!

I can totally understand not wanting to drive here (*I* don't even want to drive here - and driving in the UK is a whole 'nother matter), so I get that part.  In her defense, she did try - nearly killed us all in the process - but she gave it a go.  I have to give her credit for that.

I didn't really expect this to be a honeymoon, as I knew we had invited them along so they got more out of the trip than "just a wedding," but I certainly didn't realize the entire vacation would be so strained.  As I said, there were others on the trip with us, who had rented their own cars, and they were perfectly self-catering.  Meanwhile, absolutely everything we did had to be at the whim of the people sitting in the backseat.

As for not wanting to do the things we had initially planned...  Well, I can understand if we're taking a 20-minute jaunt down the road to check something out, and then deciding it's not for me.  But when we're going 2 hours out of the way to a town that's known primarily for this one thing (and it was a State Park - not like it was anything out of the ordinary!), I don't understand why they wouldn't just give it a try and check it out.  Instead, now we're stuck in this little town staying in a hotel overnight because we've wasted all this time for something they ended up not wanting to do.  I just feel it would've been a little more prudent to speak up when the itinerary was being constructed.

My husband speaks with his mother daily, so as far as their relationship is concerned, everything is fine (my relationship with his mother is likely alright, as well!).  That said, he did have a rough time during the trip as well – I think he’s just better at “letting things go.”  They had a nice time, I think, but probably realize after the fact that it would’ve been a better idea to not have the trip afterward.  I think everyone pretty much had a hard time (and the friends on the trip said they could feel the tension between us all – that’s saying something).

My MIL is generally a very sweet lady, I think we were all just under so much stress while they were down.  She’s not done anything else to make me want to strangle her, haha.  I don’t see our relationship being ruined forever, but I just feel like these wounds are so fresh that I can’t even bear to deal with her at the moment.  I think hubby and I have decided we’re going to travel somewhere for Christmas, sans any family.  Fingers crossed.

As for the other stuff that happened on the trip…

1.  The whole “my son is getting married and leaving me” fear.  That bomb was quickly defused, and is totally understandable – although, imagine how my mother must feel!

2. Two of the friends on the trip (hubby’s good friend from uni and his mother) weren’t so well-liked by hubby’s family.  Often times, we found ourselves leaving addresses under their windshield wiper because his family refused to wait for them whenever they were taking longer than us somewhere (museum, for instance).  Hubby felt bad because he felt accountable for these people, as well, but his family just absolutely did not get along with them.  Of course, we had to cater to what they wanted to do, being the ones driving the car.

3. Hubby’s family had a good go at him in the airport when they were leaving.  I guess we were being selfish for wanting to spend any time together, alone, and leaving them to fend for themselves on occasion.

Just various things like that…

Anyway… at this point, I’m just hoping eventually I’ll be able to let this go and move on.  It just scares me to see sides of people like that, and when I move, she’s going to be some of the closest family I have.  Worries me slightly, is all.

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and encouragement.  (:

Sorry it was such a rough trip! It's always disappointing when you have something planned and it doesn't pan out the way you had hoped.

It might be helpful to try to remember that ultimately, they're people. They were in an unfamiliar place, were probably a bit stressed out (many people find traveling stressful), and were also probably feeling some complicated emotional stuff because of the wedding and everything. Not that I'm defending they're behavior, but, well, we're all flawed and we don't always handle things the way we should. Whenever I'm feeling a bit miffed at someone, I try to remind myself that I've had a few less than shiny moments in my life. It helps me to let go a bit.

The best advice I can give is to take it for what it was and maybe see the bright side, at least you know now that you probably shouldn't take any vacations with the in-laws in the future. Could you imagine if you'd spent a bunch of money and gone somewhere like Paris or the Caribbean or something and had all that stuff happen? Yeesh! 

I hope you feel better about everything soon. It's so tough trying to build a relationship with new family members at the best of times, I can only imagine how difficult it can feel with this kind of added stress.

Whenever I'm feeling a bit miffed at someone, I try to remind myself that I've had a few less than shiny moments in my life. It helps me to let go a bit.

You know what...  I really appreciate you mentioning that.  I keep trying to tell myself I'm not perfect, but sometimes I guess it helps to hear it from others.  I'll try to keep this in mind in the future.  (:

I've been reading this thread out of curiosity. I've been married, let's just say, more than twice. My husbands' (past and present) parents were deceased before I met them (save for one mother, who lived 1,000 miles away and died 2 years later. She was sweet and I only met her 3x in those 2 years).

Reading some of the posts here, it looks like I've been damn lucky, not necessarily in love (until now!) but in in-laws!  Wow, there is just no way I could put up with some of this crap!

Regarding the name thing, DH calls my parents by their first names, and sometimes my Mom by a nickname. (Her name is Lorraine, he sometimes calls her "Lozzerpoos".) She will sometimes call and say to him, "It's Mummy!"  He sent her flowers last month for no reason. She friggin' loves him. Once my Dad got over the fact that he's an atheist, he loved him too.  Sometimes I think they like him better than they like ME!