Hum Drum Conversations

There is one thing that I hate the most about mine and my hubby's long-distance relationship.

Granted, the leaving. The leaving is hard. The walking away at the airport with tears in your eyes. That feeling that your heart is actually tearing inside your chest.

And the months apart, when you miss the feeling of their skin, and all of the romantic (sickening) things that I don't like to admit. (I'm not big into cheesy romance.)

But the thing I hate the MOST... is when we have NOTHING to talk about. Now, in person, this is not an issue. You watch tv together. Or play a video game. Or go DO something together, which later GIVES you something to talk about. But when you are apart, and you already know everything that there is to know about each other... What is there to talk about? I get tired of saying "I miss you so much" because that is just depressing. But there's not much else to say... Both of us just work, and then go home and get online with each other... Plus I get so frustrated/stressed out/depressed from the whole visa process and all of the WAITING, that half the time I just feel anti-social and withdrawn. Seems like playing some online game is the only way we'll be able to get around this until my Spousal Visa is approved...

This has been a recurrent problem for the 6 1/2 years of our relationship. Usually about halfway between visits it's the worst, when we're both depressed I guess, and then gets better as the time to see each other again draws nearer.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Sometimes me and Steve hit a wall, but mainly because I think I'm an incredibly boring person to talk to face-to-face. I don't work, I don't really go out (mainly due somewhat to a lack of funds/transportation, and untreated depression), so I don't have a lot to talk about as where he has his work, and kids, and mates and stuff. I sometimes feel bad, but I think I just end up rambling about stupid stuff--and I guess he finds that endearing

We do play WoW together though--it's why I moved to the EU servers. It gives us something to do together even though we're far apart, and it's something to fill in those spaces where I wouldn't normally have anything to talk about. He's not much of a reader, so I usually end up finding out what to do in the game, and he just tags along Maybe that's what has kept is relatively sane since I signed onto EU realms in 2007 *shrugs*

But I think it's natural--you're bound to a computer, and you can't just sit and watch telly and let the silence do the talking. You can't rely on body language or cuddling or whatever to speak for you, and it sucks just sitting, staring at the other person on the webcam and not saying jack squat

Yeah, it sucks to sit here and just... not do anything. I don't play anything like WoW (my brother and his fiancee do and it just seems like farrrr too much of a commitment moreso than a game should be) but we'll play stupid little games like Yahoo Pool sometimes. Or we get creative, and we'll both download the same movie, or episodes of tv shows, and we'll watch at exactly the same time on webcam... God I sound pathetic. lol

I don't really go out much either. I mean, I only have about $1000 in the bank, and I'm trying to move over there, so I clearly don't have much money to fund a social life. But I'm also back at home with my parents, away from the college friends that have been my life for 4 1/2 years. Working at the local grocery store (even though I now have a degree and graduated with the highest honors... can't really accept a job when I'm leaving) with people I graduated high school with, but never really hung out with, teenagers, and the elderly... 

Yeah, it sucks to sit here and just... not do anything. I don't play anything like WoW (my brother and his fiancee do and it just seems like farrrr too much of a commitment moreso than a game should be) but we'll play stupid little games like Yahoo Pool sometimes. Or we get creative, and we'll both download the same movie, or episodes of tv shows, and we'll watch at exactly the same time on webcam... God I sound pathetic. lol

I don't really go out much either. I mean, I only have about $1000 in the bank, and I'm trying to move over there, so I clearly don't have much money to fund a social life. But I'm also back at home with my parents, away from the college friends that have been my life for 4 1/2 years. Working at the local grocery store (even though I now have a degree and graduated with the highest honors... can't really accept a job when I'm leaving) with people I graduated high school with, but never really hung out with, teenagers, and the elderly... 

Eh, I've heard of people watching movies together over the internet--I think it's sweet You do what you gotta do when you're in these positions, methinks, and if that brings some measure of comfort, why not?

Yeah, I'm living with my mom, and I tried getting back on agency work (worked with them through 2008, but they had to let me go, it's a state rule not to employ temps more than 8 months out of 12 without offering a permanent position) but they don't have anything due to the economy Oregon has the second highest unemployment at the moment, and since I'm moving in the next few months (prolly sometime in the summer), employers kinda avoid me. But then again, back a couple years ago I was turned down for retail and housekeeping work because I was 'overqualified' so there you go (their words, not mine) 

I got my tax return, and I'm trying to make that stretch as far as I can, but it's hard, so I don't really go and do much. I just pay for my WoW subscription since it really isn't much for a month's worth of 24/7 entertainment, and that's about it I've lost a lot of high school and vocational school friends over the years--my depression had a lot to do with it, and I stayed away from them to the point where they buggered off.

But it all could be worse I suppose, and UKY keeps me sane kinda

Eh, I've heard of people watching movies together over the internet--I think it's sweet You do what you gotta do when you're in these positions, methinks, and if that brings some measure of comfort, why not?

Yeah, I'm living with my mom, and I tried getting back on agency work (worked with them through 2008, but they had to let me go, it's a state rule not to employ temps more than 8 months out of 12 without offering a permanent position) but they don't have anything due to the economy Oregon has the second highest unemployment at the moment, and since I'm moving in the next few months (prolly sometime in the summer), employers kinda avoid me. But then again, back a couple years ago I was turned down for retail and housekeeping work because I was 'overqualified' so there you go (their words, not mine) 

I got my tax return, and I'm trying to make that stretch as far as I can, but it's hard, so I don't really go and do much. I just pay for my WoW subscription since it really isn't much for a month's worth of 24/7 entertainment, and that's about it I've lost a lot of high school and vocational school friends over the years--my depression had a lot to do with it, and I stayed away from them to the point where they buggered off.

But it all could be worse I suppose, and UKY keeps me sane kinda

Going to England the summer after graduating high school kind of caused me to part with a lot of high school friends, and it was pretty difficult to stay in touch. I was in England every summer afterwards, and only ever in my home town for 2 weeks here and a week there... My best friend from college visits a lot (she was just here this afternoon actually) because it is only about an hour's drive, and she comes to the city for various things (today she was seeing the symphony - we were both music majors). My best friend/practically my sister who has been such since we were in kindergarten lives in Virginia Beach (where she has lived since we were 6... maybe I'm just cut out for long distance?) But yeah, I don't really have many friends in the area. I guess that will make it easier to leave, so it's a good thing. I am very close with my mother though, and staying home so much kinda strengthens that bond... So maybe it will be worse in the long run. who knows.

I'm sorry to hear about your depression... Is it to do with the long distance? Or just a chemical thing? (My mother and I both suffer from anxiety disorders.)

UK Yankee has kept me sane lately. I was a member for a few months, but only just started posting a lot... Kinda used it for information at first, and now I'm viewing it more as a support. I am pretty solid on information, but it makes me feel better to have people who are going through the same thing to talk to. Because other people simply do not understand...

Question: since I've been talking to you for a few days now, how did you and Steve meet? In a chatroom? If so, what kind?

Vincent and I met as a fluke. We were both into the tv show Friends and happened to be in the official Friends chatroom. I was 13 at the time. He was 16. We had a fun conversation and ended up trading Yahoo screennames and the next week the official chatroom was gone.

We used to watch TV together over the internet. And we read the same blogs and would send each other links to news articles and stuff. Both of us have spent most of our free time on the internet for years, so what we'd do is open a Skype connection and just leave it open while we went about our usual evening entertainments (hey, it's free).

Even when there were silences, I could hear him move around and make cups of tea. When the cats came in, I'd turn on the camera. It was almost like a home life, but without physical touch.

I'm glad it's over, but it had its own charm.

We used to watch TV together over the internet. And we read the same blogs and would send each other links to news articles and stuff. Both of us have spent most of our free time on the internet for years, so what we'd do is open a Skype connection and just leave it open while we went about our usual evening entertainments (hey, it's free).

Even when there were silences, I could hear him move around and make cups of tea. When the cats came in, I'd turn on the camera. It was almost like a home life, but without physical touch.

I'm glad it's over, but it had its own charm.

Yeah, we used to do that a lot. Just have skype on at all times. I used to have an awesome headset for my cordless skype phone and he did too, but his died the wire recently went bad in mine. And i hate holding the phone to my ear at all times. and we don't really use our mics and speakers.... Lately we just haven't been calling each other as much because, there's just nothing to talk about... Kind of sad. But I know that it will be over soon.

I guess nothing can really compensate for the real thing. But it's nice to hear others do the same things we do. My friends always thought it was a little weird (though cute).

I think my mom appreciates the time she's able to spend with me since I live here, even though I'm either in my room or here on the computer most of the time We've always lived together, since I'm an only child, so she's coming to terms with me leaving the nest and all that loveliness. I've lost a lot of the things I had in common with high school friends, and I always felt kinda lame compared to them, since they moved on and got really nice jobs and relationships and stuff, and I was still really immature (IMHO).

Yeah, I got a bit of the anxiety thing going on too I've had issues on and off since high school, and it helped to isolate me after high school since I really didn't have a direction, and I was lame and didn't really try to get into a really good college...or even college period. I did the vocational thing, which is really too easy sometimes, so it doesn't count I switch between depression and anxiety depending on the situation, and each of them feed off of each other; hopefully once I'm in England, and moving my life on a bit, I can get some help sorted for it.

As for how me and Steve met? It was through forum-based roleplaying, mainly D&D type of stuff way back when I was in high school. He helped me figure out what I was doing in the game, and we exchanged email addys and all that stuff--I kinda had a crush on him, but he was married a little bit older than me The age difference doesn't bother me now that I'm an adult, but I knew it was a bigger deal when I was in high school (he's 38, I'm turning 24 this next month). Our contact was a bit sporadic due to the 8 hr time difference, but then we started talking more once his ex wife moved out and filed for divorce (ironically enough, her new husband is a Texan). Those feelings I had for him before came back, and I gave myself more permission to entertain them, and he saw me in a whole other light (obviously) since I was an adult; he won't tell me why he loves me, just that he does So, it's been a while in the making, though we've only technically been dating since the end of 2005 or so, around November/December.

UKYankee has saved me so many headaches, even though sometimes I get paranoid about the visa process, and how successful I'll be Like you, I know quite a bit of what I need to do, now it's just *doing* it, but I can't until May/June; now it's me trying to pass on what I know, while finding sympathetic ears from people in the same situation as I'm in

I think my mom appreciates the time she's able to spend with me since I live here, even though I'm either in my room or here on the computer most of the time We've always lived together, since I'm an only child, so she's coming to terms with me leaving the nest and all that loveliness. I've lost a lot of the things I had in common with high school friends, and I always felt kinda lame compared to them, since they moved on and got really nice jobs and relationships and stuff, and I was still really immature (IMHO).

Yeah, I got a bit of the anxiety thing going on too I've had issues on and off since high school, and it helped to isolate me after high school since I really didn't have a direction, and I was lame and didn't really try to get into a really good college...or even college period. I did the vocational thing, which is really too easy sometimes, so it doesn't count I switch between depression and anxiety depending on the situation, and each of them feed off of each other; hopefully once I'm in England, and moving my life on a bit, I can get some help sorted for it.

As for how me and Steve met? It was through forum-based roleplaying, mainly D&D type of stuff way back when I was in high school. He helped me figure out what I was doing in the game, and we exchanged email addys and all that stuff--I kinda had a crush on him, but he was married a little bit older than me The age difference doesn't bother me now that I'm an adult, but I knew it was a bigger deal when I was in high school (he's 38, I'm turning 24 this next month). Our contact was a bit sporadic due to the 8 hr time difference, but then we started talking more once his ex wife moved out and filed for divorce (ironically enough, her new husband is a Texan). Those feelings I had for him before came back, and I gave myself more permission to entertain them, and he saw me in a whole other light (obviously) since I was an adult; he won't tell me why he loves me, just that he does So, it's been a while in the making, though we've only technically been dating since the end of 2005 or so, around November/December.

UKYankee has saved me so many headaches, even though sometimes I get paranoid about the visa process, and how successful I'll be Like you, I know quite a bit of what I need to do, now it's just *doing* it, but I can't until May/June; now it's me trying to pass on what I know, while finding sympathetic ears from people in the same situation as I'm in

Age doesn't make a difference. My sister-in-law is in a long-term relationship with a man he father's age. And my violin teacher when I was in high school, he was in his 90s and his wife was around 60. But I could see that when you were in high school that would be a big deal.

As for the Anxiety getting better, I have found that when I spend months living with Vincent (such as summers and when I did my student teaching there) the anxiety just melts away. I was even calm for my lesson observations (when my university supervisor flew over to observe me, when I had only taught a single lesson there), just because my home life was so much happier. So I hope that is true for you as well.

Age doesn't make a difference. My sister-in-law is in a long-term relationship with a man he father's age. And my violin teacher when I was in high school, he was in his 90s and his wife was around 60. But I could see that when you were in high school that would be a big deal.

As for the Anxiety getting better, I have found that when I spend months living with Vincent (such as summers and when I did my student teaching there) the anxiety just melts away. I was even calm for my lesson observations (when my university supervisor flew over to observe me, when I had only taught a single lesson there), just because my home life was so much happier. So I hope that is true for you as well.

Yeah, the age thing doesn't bother me really either; he still gets carded when he buys alcohol over here since unless the server is sure the person is over 35, they have to check anyway--he gets embarrassed, but yeah It's not so bad that we don't have things in common, or still have the same goals in life, and I just don't really dwell on it in a negative way (I just make fun of him for being old).

I totally know how it feels to have the anxiety go away while in the UK--when I'm with Steve I find I'm more outgoing, and I fit in a bit easier to social life than I do here in the US. I always have his support, but having him physically with me does a lot to me emotionally, and for the better--I can't really explain why it lifts my mood, or relaxes me, but it does because I know he loves me, and just wants me to be happy I'm more inclined to go out and do things when I'm with him, and I can talk to him better than I can anyone back home, so I'm able to let a lot of things off my chest that normally I keep bottled up. I know I still need a lot of work, and professional help more likely than not, but I hope to get it in the UK once I'm settled, and Steve helps me overcome a lot of my insecurities and anxieties.

I think ultimately I feel more liberated in the UK--if I want to have a pint, I can without my family or something saying something, I can go walking around whenever I want to (you don't get to do much when you walk around my area except stare at condos, you can't just pop up to the shop). I know I'll miss the US when I'm in the UK, but it's the opportunity of a lifetime and I'd be a fool to mess it up or give it up

I think ultimately I feel more liberated in the UK--if I want to have a pint, I can without my family or something saying something, I can go walking around whenever I want to (you don't get to do much when you walk around my area except stare at condos, you can't just pop up to the shop). I know I'll miss the US when I'm in the UK, but it's the opportunity of a lifetime and I'd be a fool to mess it up or give it up

I've always had a lot of freedom at home... I'm treated like an adult, and have been from a fairly early age because my parents felt that I had proved myself to be trustworthy and intelligent... But sometimes they are still PARENTS. So I somewhat know what you mean about the liberated feeling.

Though I have never quite had that feeling in the UK. We have lived with his parents every time I have visited, staying in a caravan in the garden.  It's pretty lame. But it's the most privacy we could have... But for the visa, that wasn't considered to be sufficient housing, so thankfully, we have to move in with his half-sister Phew! She has a two bedroom flat that she rents from her work for next to nothing, so she's not even asking for rent... She only lives there 4 days a week, so we have some time alone until we can afford our own place. THAT will feel liberating. Because even though he is a grown man, they didn't really understand the concept of *us* time. I do love them, and I appreciate them letting me stay for as long as they did free of rent. I mean,  it is extremely generous and wonderful (even though they never really *got* me or my humor, they try). But it will be so nice to finally be on our own, finally live together, after all this time...

I've always had a lot of freedom at home... I'm treated like an adult, and have been from a fairly early age because my parents felt that I had proved myself to be trustworthy and intelligent... But sometimes they are still PARENTS. So I somewhat know what you mean about the liberated feeling.

Though I have never quite had that feeling in the UK. We have lived with his parents every time I have visited, staying in a caravan in the garden.  It's pretty lame. But it's the most privacy we could have... But for the visa, that wasn't considered to be sufficient housing, so thankfully, we have to move in with his half-sister Phew! She has a two bedroom flat that she rents from her work for next to nothing, so she's not even asking for rent... She only lives there 4 days a week, so we have some time alone until we can afford our own place. THAT will feel liberating. Because even though he is a grown man, they didn't really understand the concept of *us* time. I do love them, and I appreciate them letting me stay for as long as they did free of rent. I mean,  it is extremely generous and wonderful (even though they never really *got* me or my humor, they try). But it will be so nice to finally be on our own, finally live together, after all this time...

Hehe, with my family they can be very overprotective, which in some regards I can understand, and appreciate. But it's kept me from doing a lot of things, because they're constantly worried somethings going to happen--they freaked out when I went into Portland by myself *during the day* to take my certification tests for school. Granted, some parts of Portland might be bad, but this was a decent area full of businesses and such, and it was mid-morning--it's that sort of stuff. It's kept me back a bit, because I don't want to cause a problem by going out on my own or whatever; in the UK I'm given slightly more leeway in terms of where I go, and what I do.

Don't worry about the caravan, we had to stay with Steve's mum when they were sorting out his new house (he's renting from a housing association) when they had to do repairs, but they couldn't finish before the sale of his old house went through. She's a really nice lady, but she didn't even like us turning on the TV, even when they were in the other room reading. So it was basically sit there in silence and do what exactly? And his mum treats him like he's still small (she even got him Easter candy this year), but he's learned to kinda shrug it off to humor her

Easter candy is an adult thing here, judging from my DH's family. His mom sent us both a bag of little chocolate eggs, and he bought me (and her) a big one. He has sent me chocolate eggs every year on Easter. It's one of those holidays I always forget, because it's a kid thing in the States.

Hehe, with my family they can be very overprotective, which in some regards I can understand, and appreciate. But it's kept me from doing a lot of things, because they're constantly worried somethings going to happen--they freaked out when I went into Portland by myself *during the day* to take my certification tests for school. Granted, some parts of Portland might be bad, but this was a decent area full of businesses and such, and it was mid-morning--it's that sort of stuff. It's kept me back a bit, because I don't want to cause a problem by going out on my own or whatever; in the UK I'm given slightly more leeway in terms of where I go, and what I do.

Don't worry about the caravan, we had to stay with Steve's mum when they were sorting out his new house (he's renting from a housing association) when they had to do repairs, but they couldn't finish before the sale of his old house went through. She's a really nice lady, but she didn't even like us turning on the TV, even when they were in the other room reading. So it was basically sit there in silence and do what exactly? And his mum treats him like he's still small (she even got him Easter candy this year), but he's learned to kinda shrug it off to humor her

Hahaha, I got an easter basket this year . My mom and I decided against easter candy this year, b/c none of us REALLY need it. My dad has high blood sugar right now, and I just feel like I'm putting on a couple lbs. because I'm like "I'm married now, who gives a crap?" But my mom caved..... And Vincent's mom said "You're too old for Easter candy now right?" and he pouted and got easter eggs. lol

And my experience at Vincent's parents' house is the complete OPPOSITE. We all have to sit in the living room and watch tv together every night. Like, or his mum gets irritated that we're keeping to ourselves. And by "watch tv" I mean that the tv is BLARING and everyone is shouting over it and getting progressively louder........ I like my peace and quiet. That is not my happy place... Except for the fact that he's there.

Easter candy is an adult thing here, judging from my DH's family. His mom sent us both a bag of little chocolate eggs, and he bought me (and her) a big one. He has sent me chocolate eggs every year on Easter. It's one of those holidays I always forget, because it's a kid thing in the States.

Or maybe your husband's family is immature like my family.