Dating an Englishman (possibly)

Hi all!

I hope I am in the right place!  I have read some of the long-distance stuff before posting...  And I need help!

Recently met a Londoner here in the states.  He travels to and from for work quite regularly.  We met very randomly, I finally gave my # (he was a bit shy in asking, but he asked) and then he started texting, invited me out, and I had probably the best 1st date of my life.  He was very gentlemanly, we made out a LOT at the end of the night, but he was never inappropriate or suggestive at all...

He's back in London, we are texting and e-mailing.  He should be back here soon.  He is very attractive, not my usual type (which is usually darker hair/eyes, short, and oddly they have all been balding!), my age - 30's, and just very fun.  I get hit on A LOT by players and insincere men (I am considered very attractive by US standards, and guys want to make me a notch on their bedpost - yuck!), but something about him feels very different.

So, if anyone can help... Is dating someone from the UK much different than the US? I mean, I don't want to be so enthralled with someone if he is the same as usual. I didn't sleep with him - just wanted to get to know him better to see if there was anything there. It was truly amazing.  Before he ever kissed me (about 2 hours into the date), he told me he would "fancy" (yep - fancy!) seeing me again when he comes back. And when kissing goodbye  (or snogging - that's my new fav word/activity) he said he couldn't seem to put me down.   

I have never ever done an LDR, and I don't know if he's just smooth (I don't think so!) and the UK version of a "player".  He does not strike me that way at all. But if I need to be wary of cute British men picking up American gals, please please please someone knock some sense into me - because I have NONE left!   

Thank you any and all who can help.

Head over heels here!

Y'know.  I'm kind of picking up married vibes.  I'd be sure he wasn't before I progressed any further or started picking out my visa.

Men are men the world over.  Many of us have gone out with guys from all over the world and, cultural differences aside, they often share the same characteristic maleness.

I'm with Mindy on this.  A guy who travels a lot on business and then texts and emails needs to have 'married' ruled out first, followed by married multiple times with kids in every port.

Also, make sure he doesn't run up your mobile bill with his texts, some providers might charge to receive and/or send those.

Men are men the world over.  Many of us have gone out with guys from all over the world and, cultural differences aside, they often share the same characteristic maleness.

Yeah.  There are plenty of jerks and gentlemen in the US and the UK.  Until you're sure he's well and truly single, I wouldn't get too swept off your feet by his Englishness.

I agree with the others -- men are men. Period. Everywhere. Some things just never change and are surprisingly the same no matter which nation or nationality -- and sex, love, flirting, players, married jerks -- it's all the same no matter what the accent.

Especially in the case of a woman like yourself who is attractive and gets hit on a lot, please don't start to base a future life on one guy who is hitting on you and wants to see more of you.

I too am or was  (still am on a good day lol) that kinda gal -- never been short of men being drawn to me and "trying it on." Please look out for yourself and don't take this flirtation too seriously. You are now posting on a site that gives advice about moving to the UK and settling. Yet this guy doesn't sound serious to me. DO NOT, please, do not, even start to think of overhauling you entire life for a man who may just be having a bit of fun. Moving countries for a relationship is and should be a very serious business -- in terms of the quality, commitment and depth of the relationship you are doing it for. It's not to be undertaken or even toyed with the thought of it lightly.

I would also add, if a person is in one country and the person they are beginning to have a thing with is in another -- and IF you can possibly just quit it and move on....move on and find someone on the same land mass. It makes life easier. It has to be a hell of a strong and committed connection for it to be worth the upheaval or the pain of a long distance relationship. Or what you would go through with all the visa and ILR stuff.

If this is just starting and isn't very deep yet, my frank advice would be, forget him, find someone you won't have to move across the world for -- there are plenty of people out there and this guy seems like he's just in it for the flirtation. It doesn't scream "soulmate" to me, and when it comes to relationships you need nothing less than "soulmate" for an LDR or international upheaval -- and even then it can be rough, rough, rough.

If I were in your shoes I would not even pursue this, move on, and enjoy the attentions of the  person who comes along who is from my own spot on the GPS.

Whoa, everyone!  While I agree that caution is warranted, there's no reason --yet-- for the OP to write this guy off.  It's possible that he is a perfectly nice, unmarried man who is genuinely interested in her.  That said, Amylock, I'd advise guarding your heart until then next time you see him, then asking him some very frank questions about himself.  Tell him you're worried because he never calls you and because you've been burned in the past.  Ask him about his life in England and watch his body language.  Listen carefully to what he says.  If he is vague or evasive or changes the subject when you ask him about himself, then he is hiding something.  If he is open and volunteers information, then he is probably being straight with you.  Suggest that you visit him in England and see how he reacts.  Don't rush into anything, but let things develop as naturally as they can given the distance.  I agree that on a very basic level men are men regardless of their nationality, but there are differences above that basic level that do result from nationality and can really affect how people behave.  I'm certain my English husband would be a very different person if he had been raised in the US, and I don't know if we would have been drawn to each other if we had both been American, or both English for that matter. 

Just be cautious until you know more about him.

Whoa, everyone!  While I agree that caution is warranted, there's no reason --yet-- for the OP to write this guy off. 

Only one person was suggesting to write him off.  The rest of us were just saying to exercise caution, as you would with anyone.

I say throw caution to the wind!! Enjoy the good time while it lasts, and if it doesn't work out, hey ho! Thats life! I have no idea why anyone would jump to conclusions from that one email about his being married...

Enjoy, a long distance relationship might just be the most exciting thing ever to happen to you, and you never know where it might take you. Enjoy it, fall in love if you so desire.

Have fun! This is your life, and you won't get another chance at it!!!
 

The reason I suggested writing him off is simply because the description the original poster gives sounds like a fun, pleasant, but rather casual connection, and if that is the case, why not just find that with someone local? Makes life so much easier than having to anticipate an LDR developing. That's all.

Going by what the OP says, unless something feels potentially deeper than this, it's not worth bothering to go there. It didn't sound to me as though there was an earth shattering difference between this and any other attraction, so why bother with the foreign guy if you can just as easily find a local attraction. Just my take. Life and love is hard enough with getting long distances into the love equation. Have a fling but don't be thinking about moving anywhere in such a hurry. Sorry but that to me is just being wise.

I agree with everyone..well, not everyone. I don't sense a married vibe. I don't sense any vibe at all -- there's hardly any information. Which is the problem, basically. You don't really know enough about him yet.

Unfortunately, there's no country out there that produces men so uniformly decent that you can just let your guard down with them, assured that they will not turn out to be dogs. (Dare to dream, though, eh?)

You said he's coming back soon, and I assume you'll be spending time together? If that goes well and you're still interested in continuing, I think you should make arrangements to go visit him. Or at least float the idea and see how he reacts. It'll give you a much clearer picture of him, when you spend time with him in his native habitat. (Basically, what historyenne said.)

At this juncture, you probably don't have very many facts about who he is, and your imagination is  filling in the gaps. So, that's what you should be doing -- replacing imagination with information. That'd be true for any relationship, after a successful first date: it's just harder to do in an LDR.

And..umm..the best way to determine if someone is after "one thing," be it money, or sex, or what have you, is to decline to give it to them until you're sure they're not.

If I was a sensible, grounded woman, I'd approach this from the angle of this guy being possibly right for me, but probably not. Not because he's a dog, but because no one but a handful of people are. To be pithy (if not exactly 100% accurate) this early, you should be on the lookout for reasons to reject him; reasons not to will take care of themselves.

And good luck.

ETA: And yeah, what racheee said. A lack of phone calls by itself is not really an indicator of much. I've been married for four years, I doubt I spoke to my husband on the phone on 10 occasions in all that time. It's always been about txts, emails and IMs for us. What you need to do is put this in context (which, until you know him better, you can't do, unfortunately.)

In my opinion, "sensible" to me would just be to see him again if he's in town, yeah sure find out more about him, but not get carried away with the idea of something developing.

For me, the biggest thing stacked against any of this is the distance. Who would bother even starting unless it becomes clear this is the big one thus worth it?

Personally I wouldn't care to even find out -- plenty more fish in the sea to get to know right where the OP is.

The OP is by her description an attractive woman whom men are drawn to thus she can take her pick. Exercise that option.

LDR's obviously can and do work out but who would choose to go that route unless local attempts really didn't bring you that special person?

To answer your question about is dating a British man different from an American - I don't think so.  I mean, British men speak with an accent and use different words for things, but it's really no different than dating an American. Or a Frenchman, Canadian, etc.  Dating is dating.  The biggest thing for you right now is to get to know him better so you can determine if he's worth getting into an LDR with.  Long Distance Relationships can be taxing on your emotions and really flipping expensive.  Of course, I wouldn't trade Tim in for anything, but sometimes it's hard being long distance.

I'd also suggest you look around for LDR specific communities as opposed to moving to the UK communities. Not that we don't want you here, but if you're specifically looking for LDR support, an LDR community might also help.

You also might want to suggest Skype or some other VoIP program to him to cut down on your texting bill.  I don't know who your provider is, but I can tell you Verizon Wireless lets you receive for free, but sending an international text is $0.25.  But if you sign up for Skype and add credit to your account, you can send texts to the UK for $0.09 and have the replies go directly to your phone.

For me, the biggest thing stacked against any of this is the distance. Who would bother even starting unless it becomes clear this is the big one thus worth it?

Personally I wouldn't care to even find out -- plenty more fish in the sea to get to know right where the OP is.

The OP is by her description an attractive woman whom men are drawn to thus she can take her pick. Exercise that option.

LDR's obviously can and do work out but who would choose to go that route unless local attempts really didn't bring you that special person?

I don't know, I think you're being a bit of a cynic (and I know you've been burned in the past which might be clouding your replies) over the distance.  I think if two people care about each other and want to try to make a go for it - why not?  Yeah, LDRs take a lot of work, but if you're both willing to give it a go, I don't see a reason to say no just over distance. 

The OP is by her description an attractive woman whom men are drawn to thus she can take her pick. Exercise that option.

LDR's obviously can and do work out but who would choose to go that route unless local attempts really didn't bring you that special person?

Nothing in her post indicates that her attempts have been successful. And I'm sure you're not implying that you're in London because you were not attractive enough for US men to be drawn to you, right?   LDR is not always the R of last resort, if you know what I mean.

Either way, none of us knows the OP, so we all give her advice based on our own experience. She'll use the lens of her experience to look through all of it and hopefully some of it will be helpful. And, as a general thing, LDRs are more complicated than regular relationships, so I think you bringing her attention to it, as someone who's experienced it, is certainly useful.

LDR is not always the R of last resort, if you know what I mean.

I completely agree with you, Mort.  I would never consider Tim my "last resort"!

I don't know, I think you're being a bit of a cynic (and I know you've been burned in the past which might be clouding your replies) over the distance.  I think if two people care about each other and want to try to make a go for it - why not?  Yeah, LDRs take a lot of work, but if you're both willing to give it a go, I don't see a reason to say no just over distance. 

Yes I've been burned, but rather than clouding my replies, I believe it's made me very clear about things. For "clear" you could say "cynical" but, again, I just think it's very simple and can be crystallized as: Why let yourself in for the hard thing when the easier path is just as available?


At the present time, the OP does not know a whole lot about this man. Thus, he is currently on the same standing as any local man that she might meet and have an equally nice first date with tomorrow.

So all I'm saying is, she would be wise to maintain her thoughts on this guy at that level. Why leap into winding up asking advice on a place that shows she is already wondering about this being serious, when it's still only the same kind of flirtation as one can find with anyone with whom there is a basic attraction?

If she had come here saying this really does mutually feel like the love of her life, I would be posting "It won't be easy but GO for it." I'm all for that feeling that someone really is "it." But at THIS stage, when, according to what she is describing, it really hasn't gone there yet, all I say is, "plenty of fish in the sea" and she could save herself a lot of time, money and Christ knows all the other problems inherent in an LDR if she just lets it fade now instead of later.

Nothing in her post indicates that her attempts have been successful. And I'm sure you're not implying that you're in London because you were not attractive enough for US men to be drawn to you, right?   LDR is not always the R of last resort, if you know what I mean.

Either way, none of us knows the OP, so we all give her advice based on our own experience. She'll use the lens of her experience to look through all of it and hopefully some of it will be helpful. And, as a general thing, LDRs are more complicated than regular relationships, so I think you bringing her attention to it, as someone who's experienced it, is certainly useful.

No, heh heh, I'm not implying that the US men were not drawn to me!   One of them married me!   So I've done this both directions. I had a great time dating American men and had plenty of suitors, which was nice.

(By the way, I have to add that the man I moved back to the UK for trumped anyone in the US simply by dint of the long history I already had with him. We were childhood sweethearts and had a longtime friendship and that was something other newly-met men could not offer and which was originally worth it to me.)


This next part I want to stress strongly as I don't wish to be misunderstood about this aspect of what I've said:
In no way do I mean to imply that LDRs are a last resort of any kind -- I do believe that if someone is "it" there is destiny in that, and one should pursue it no matter the distance. I still believe that even though things can also go very wrong.....so I guess I'm not that much of a total cynic quite yet.  

I'm not saying at all anything about last resorts -- as I mentioned, I think it goes for any one of us, that given the choice between all things being equal, we'd rather fall in love with someone a short drive away  --- BUT, having said that, if love really does find us with that person who lives half a world away, no that's not a "last resort" at all! That to me is just who turned out to be your true love, at the risk of sounding sappy.

However, as I've said before, at THIS stage of the OP's budding romance, it could just as easily be a local guy, so why not save herself the more difficult path by letting this one go now.