Dating an Englishman (possibly)

I completely agree with you, Mort.  I would never consider Tim my "last resort"!

I NEVER said this, and I never even implied this, I want to make that VERY clear.

I have never even THOUGHT this, so please don't put words into my mouth that I have not even dreamt of.

If she really was feeling about this man how she feels about other guys, I'd be in total agreement with you. But she says she's never felt this way before, and while based on my own experience I tend to treat such sentiments with a grain of salt, not knowing the OP, I have to take her at her word that this really is unlike anything she's ever experienced with a man, and offer advice based on that.

Now, as far as the "last resort" thing, I'm sorry, I should have chosen my words more carefully. While the way you put it, sounded, to me, a bit like that is what you meant, I didn't actually think you either meant it that way, or meant to communicate any such thing. 


ETA: To be CLEAR, MB never said any such thing. To strongly reiterate -- TO ME the way she phrased it sorta hinted at that, but I didn't AND STILL DON'T think she meant that. So please let's not fall on her because of my inability to communicate my meaning clearly, thank you!

That's okay Mort -- perhaps I didn't express myself adequately there, but I just didn't think anything I said would have suggested that; quite the opposite in fact.

To have implied such a thing would be insulting to anyone who has had LDRs including myself -- I've now fallen in love with two men who were not on the same land mass and for whom heaven and earth had to be moved (or just 28 boxes and a cat, hah hah! ) in order to be with the man I loved and who loved me . 

If the OP does feel this guy is different from the rest, she should check things out, with caution.

But I just wish to warn against jumping too far ahead of herself. And personally I would still actually just smile and walk away, at this stage, if this were me.

The man is a complete stranger as of yet. Perhaps my own experience of having known someone very well indeed yet still got surprises at issue that came up which I would not have known would come between us until we got to those bridges to cross...well it just makes you have to wonder.

If even a serious relationship with a person one thinks one knows inside out can turn out to be headed for failure because the distance itself prevented certain things to come to light, then having just met someone makes me want to tell the person to use the footbrake and a lower gear on this hill.......

Midnight blue, I just have to jump in here to say I completely agree with you.

I love my british hubby, more than I can even express, but as you said it is hard and expensive...

We were in love before we met in person. And our romance has been amazing. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS deeply in love. But right now we are apart, as we have been for most of our relationship, and it is horrible and depressing, and half the time we barely even talk to one another while we are on the phone or IM because.... we're just depressed! On top of that we have flights, so yes, EXPENSIVE. My last one was nearly $1000... And on top of THAT, we have the visa process, which is again EXPENSIVE and also STRESSFUL.

To me it seems that the OP is somewhat seduced by the British Charm and excitement over the fact that he is foreign/has an accent... But I gotta tell you, I don't even notice Vincent's accent anymore! after about the first year... And I have to say that even though it is exciting now, these things will become commonplace down the road and the OP would eventually not notice them...

If she feels like she has a REAL connection with this man, then yeah, go for it. But if it's just kind of a sort of flirtation, maybe she shouldn't put herself through the trouble/pain.

MB, you mentioned earlier what the fact that she's posting on this board says about her views on the relationship, and I actually thought the same thing. And then it occured to me that where, but on an expat board, is she likely to come across a higher concerntration of Americans who have experience in dating Brits?

Midnight blue, I just have to jump in here to say I completely agree with you.

I love my british hubby, more than I can even express, but as you said it is hard and expensive...

We were in love before we met in person. And our romance has been amazing. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS deeply in love. But right now we are apart, as we have been for most of our relationship, and it is horrible and depressing, and half the time we barely even talk to one another while we are on the phone or IM because.... we're just depressed! On top of that we have flights, so yes, EXPENSIVE. My last one was nearly $1000... And on top of THAT, we have the visa process, which is again EXPENSIVE and also STRESSFUL.

To me it seems that the OP is somewhat seduced by the British Charm and excitement over the fact that he is foreign/has an accent... But I gotta tell you, I don't even notice Vincent's accent anymore! after about the first year... And I have to say that even though it is exciting now, these things will become commonplace down the road and the OP would eventually not notice them...

If she feels like she has a REAL connection with this man, then yeah, go for it. But if it's just kind of a sort of flirtation, maybe she shouldn't put herself through the trouble/pain.

Thanks princesslemons -- and I feel for you going through the distance from your loved one; I know how painful it is when you love each other but cannot be together.  I am so sorry that you are both having to be apart, depressed -- it can be very tough.

I hope it all goes well for you as I'm sure it will, and these times will all just be a memory once you are together for good -- best wishes to you in everything. 

I do believe in destined connections and true love....witness these very boards, where two people have fallen  in love, moved heaven and earth (and lotsa paperwork!) to be together, and who are now truly with the person they were meant to be with, multplied by the hundreds! -- I really believe that is real and meant to be. Love is love and if there is a real connection, yes, you have to go for it. I did that too; and even though it didn't work out, it had to be pursued because of the initial depth and strength of what was going on. I went for it. I have to believe that I did the right thing and gave it that shot.

But, like you, if something is only yet just kind of a flirtation, maybe one could still try to save oneself the trouble and pain and trials ahead, if one possibly can avoid it.

MB, you mentioned earlier what the fact that she's posting on this board says about her views on the relationship, and I actually thought the same thing. And then it occured to me that where, but on an expat board, is she likely to come across a higher concerntration of Americans who have experience in dating Brits?

True, true! 

Thanks princesslemons -- and I feel for you going through the distance from your loved one; I know how painful it is when you love each other but cannot be together.  I am so sorry that you are both having to be apart, depressed -- it can be very tough.

I hope it all goes well for you as I'm sure it will, and these times will all just be a memory once you are together for good -- best wishes to you in everything. 

I do believe in destined connections and true love....witness these very boards, where two people have fallen  in love, moved heaven and earth (and lotsa paperwork!) to be together, and who are now truly with the person they were meant to be with, multplied by the hundreds! -- I really believe that is real and meant to be. Love is love and if there is a real connection, yes, you have to go for it. I did that too; and even though it didn't work out, it had to be pursued because of the initial depth and strength of what was going on. I went for it. I have to believe that I did the right thing and gave it that shot.

But, like you, if something is only yet just kind of a flirtation, maybe one could still try to save oneself the trouble and pain and trials ahead, if one possibly can avoid it.

Thank you very much for your support and kind words.  That's the reason I spend half my day lazing around, reading UKY: so much support.

I would really like to hear from the OP again to clarify how she feels as we are debating her life choices... I feel like she should have a say. lol

Thank you very much for your support and kind words.  That's the reason I spend half my day lazing around, reading UKY: so much support.

I would really like to hear from the OP again to clarify how she feels as we are debating her life choices... I feel like she should have a say. lol

Oops, yes, we are kind of taking over her entire future, hahah!

I'm sure she can make her decisions for herself, and I'm sure she knows that the opinions of a selection of strangers will not be the deciding factor. 

Perhaps I have been too serious in response to just a tentative enquiry.....I just feel anxious to spare someone a very long and hard road that, if all things are equal, may not have to be the one taken, necessarily.

But if I need to be wary of cute British men picking up American gals...

Well there definitely is something there - else there wouldn't be so many of us (American gals) married to them (British men), and vice versa, as on this website!    And as for me, I'm old, overweight & plain to average looking at best, but I've never had so much 'erm, let's say positive, attention from men in all my life, as I have had since I moved here - once they hear my accent.  Make of it what you will - I'm completely baffled.

Anyway, the only things the OP can say with certainty is that 1) she is attracted to this man, and 2) she needs to find out more about him.  There's nothing in that different from any other way of meeting/dating guys really.  So why not see him again, try to find out more, and proceed with caution - just like you would in any other dating situation, right?  He might end up being a jerk, or he might be the love of your life.  Only time will tell.

Some of us on here have done the LDR, uprooted our lives, and found our happily ever after.  Others' experiences have not worked out so well.  Anything can happen. 

But I gotta tell you, I don't even notice Vincent's accent anymore! after about the first year... And I have to say that even though it is exciting now, these things will become commonplace down the road and the OP would eventually not notice them...

Tim has an accent? LOL. I never really fell into the charm of his accent, but I have plenty of friends who whenever I would post a video with Tim talking would reply with "please have Tim talk more!"

MB, you mentioned earlier what the fact that she's posting on this board says about her views on the relationship, and I actually thought the same thing. And then it occured to me that where, but on an expat board, is she likely to come across a higher concerntration of Americans who have experience in dating Brits?

LOL so true! I mean, there's an LJ comm (yankandbritlove), but I'm not sure of any other site that's specifically US-UK relationships!

Tim has an accent? LOL. I never really fell into the charm of his accent, but I have plenty of friends who whenever I would post a video with Tim talking would reply with "please have Tim talk more!"

Lol, my friends do that all the time. I don't hear an accent most of the time! Every now and then he'll say something and I'll just be like "that was SO british." haha. But typically, he just sounds like Vincent to me.

But if I need to be wary of cute British men picking up American gals, please please please someone knock some sense into me - because I have NONE left!   

In my experience, I have found that culturally dating is different in the UK from the US.  I did not realise this when I first moved to the UK, and it caused a lot of confusion.  I will try to explain and please recognise I am using generalisations to make a point.  Obviously not everyone will be exactly one way in either country. 

US:
In general, dating is a done thing.  You meet someone and ask them out.  You might start with coffee to get to know someone.  As some point, proper dates are not uncommon -- meaning the two of you for dinner/movie/etc.  As some point, it then becomes an exclusive thing.  Also not weird to meet someone in a grocery story or other generic place.  One night stands are more associated with university age or are infrequent. 

UK:
Going out on the pull at a club (i.e. for a one night stand or f*ck buddy), is not uncommon and is not associated with university age.  It is more or less what you do until you are ready for a "committment" style relationship.  You would never really ask someone out from a generic place like a grocery store.  Dates, like dinner, are not really done.  If you aren't ready for a committment, you are more apt to casually date someone by inviting them with friends to the pub.

-----

So what I have learned is until the UK person is ready for a committment, sex and casualness is really the order of the day.  What I consider to be the middle ground -- dating -- is really missed out in the UK.  I found the casualness of sex quite strange to get used to, because it indicates to me some type of committment, but in the UK, that same connotation does not exist.

Again, this is my experience but I have had conversations about this to many of my British friends and they agree with the assessment.  Also to give context, this applies to my friends from about 25 - 35 years of age.  In London.

ETA:  I think LDR would be a completely different experience regarding my generalisations on "dating," simply because the circumstances are not the same.

So what I have learned is until the UK person is ready for a committment, sex and casualness is really the order of the day.  What I consider to be the middle ground -- dating -- is really missed out in the UK.  I found the casualness of sex quite strange to get used to, because it indicates to me some type of committment, but in the UK, that same connotation does not exist.

Again, this is my experience but I have had conversations about this to many of my British friends and they agree with the assessment.  Also to give context, this applies to my friends from about 25 - 35 years of age.

Hmm. You know, Sara, this might explain why Tim's family was immediately planning our wedding when he introduced me as his girlfriend and why his dad calls me Tim's partner!  I never really thought about it, to be honest.  I mean, I know living together/unmarried partner seems to carry more weight in the UK than it does in the US, but I never really made a correlation between seriously dating and ready for a full commitment.  Thanks for this!

Lol, my friends do that all the time. I don't hear an accent most of the time! Every now and then he'll say something and I'll just be like "that was SO british." haha. But typically, he just sounds like Vincent to me.

My mom can't understand a word Steve says for the first day he's here because of his accent I don't really notice it nearly as much as I did when I first started talking to him (I can remember that first voicemail he left for me, I didn't know who this British guy phoning me was because I didn't recognize the number hehe). But I still stop sometimes when he's just talking to himself or whatever and listen to his accent and I still get all giddy over it for some reason--it's just that particular brand of English that I fell in love with