Dealing with Angry Family Members...

Have any of you had to deal with family members who were angry with you over your choices?

I've been home for about a month now, and the only family I've seen other than my mom has been the aunt who went with my mom to the airport to pick me up.  This Saturday, the three of us are driving down to Florida to see my cousins and aunt who live there (they are the relatives who live the farthest away).  My mom has a BIG family, she's the youngest of nine (7 of them are girls).  I mentioned to her that I was surprised my other aunts and cousins hadn't contacted me to get together since I've been back....and I found out that at least one of my aunts is mad at me for going away to the UK for 6 months and is mad that I plan on moving there permanently.  I don't know what to do. Obviously, I'm not going to apologize for falling in love with an Englishman or for wanting to live in the UK instead of moving him to the US...but I don't know what I can say or do to make the situation any better.

But while I was away?  She made sure my mom was okay, had my mom over for dinner once a fortnight, called all the time....and now? Nothing. 

I feel like there was no point to coming home at all! (okay, other than the legal reasons)

Well, you can start by waiting until you get the information directly from your aunt and not via some familial game of telephone.

I don't know your family, so it's hard to judge, but it seems like the defensive "I am not gonna apologize for anything!" attitude, when you don't even know what's up, is probably gonna be counterproductive if family harmony is your goal.

Call your aunt. Say you miss her and would like to get together. Go from there.

Well, you can start by waiting until you get the information directly from your aunt and not via some familial game of telephone.

I don't know your family, so it's hard to judge, but it seems like the defensive "I am not gonna apologize for anything!" attitude, when you don't even know what's up, is probably gonna be counterproductive if family harmony is your goal.

Call your aunt. Say you miss her and would like to get together. Go from there.

Getting my aunt to admit she's mad? Not going to happen. That generation thrives on that passive thing of telling someone *else* who they are mad at so they can tell the person for them.  I wish I was kidding.

I'm more than willing to apologize for something if I honestly did something that upset her....UNLESS she's just mad that I'm dating an Englishman and moving to the UK.  My mom was upset that I started dating Tim, too, but not only has she gotten over it, she's fully prepared for me to move away to the UK.  If my MOM can be okay with it....why can't my aunt?

but yeah, probably the only thing  I can do is give her a call in the morning and try and find out what's going on with the avoidance game. 

With all due respect, it's not going to get better. Once you leave, people tend to get on with their lives and expecting everyone to rush to you to get in touch is probably a bit unrealistic. You're the one that left, not them. For alot of older people, it can be a bit of a disloyalty, both to family and even to the USA. I know my Dad has never got over my leaving and still holds a grudge.

It's up to you to be the slightly more mature and giving about the situation and get in touch...  After all, you seem fully committed on moving over here, so really, your time with your relatives is already on a ticker so enjoy them and make the most of it.

It's up to you to be the slightly more mature and giving about the situation and get in touch...  After all, you seem fully committed on moving over here, so really, your time with your relatives is already on a ticker so enjoy them and make the most of it.

I agree. I think this situation isn't to be dealt with, so much as just accepted. Her being angry is neither rational, nor going to change your mind so instead of addressing the anger, how about directly addressing the issue behind it: she's going to miss you and doesn't want you to go. But assuming she's a loving relative, she does want you to be happy, right? Just let her know you'll miss her too but you know she wants the best for you, and this is the best for you.

Are you guys  Italian??    sounds a  lot like  family.. only they do the  telephone game and  tell you to your face  ..not how  sad or how much they will miss you..but more  like  how crazy stupid  and how  it won't work..  It won't get easier..but the above  ladies have given excellent advice..Hopefully your family is  more receptive..

Are you guys  Italian??   

Or Jewish possibly?  My father has been angry at me simply for being me.    :\\\'( I've stopped trying to gain his approval and know that I must accept it and move on.

I do hope that once you speak with your Aunt that she will see your side of it and open up a bit more to you.

Or just don't play the game at all. 

This won't change, if it wasn't this it would have been something else.  Perhaps not something you did, but someone else would be excluded. 

Ignore it, contact them to say hi or happy holidays or whatever and they will either get over it or not. 

After living with this sort of thing my whole life I've decided that I can't control anyone else, I can only control how I react, or not, to it all. 

Getting my aunt to admit she's mad? Not going to happen. That generation thrives on that passive thing of telling someone *else* who they are mad at so they can tell the person for them.  I wish I was kidding.

My mother and her sisters are all very passive-aggressive, too. I don't play games. I just ignore their comments, or lack thereof, unless they are straight with me, which they rarely ever are. Needless to say, I'm not very close to my family because of this decision. But, I spent a lot of time apologizing for things that I didn't feel I needed to be sorry for in order to keep the peace, and I decided years ago (with my counselor) that it was time to break that cycle and stop caring so much about what other people think (still working on that second bit, it's hard sometimes to will yourself not to care when your feelings are hurt, but I at least make an effort to appear indifferent to their comments.) You are happy, your aunt should be happy for you, if she isn't, then that is her problem. Simple as!

Are you guys  Italian??   

Or Jewish possibly? 

  LOL.  We're German, came over when William Penn was given the land, blah, blah, blah, the original PA Germans (but not Amish!).  My dad's family is Jewish though, and when he married my mom (Presbyterian), his parents refused to talk to my mom or me and as a result I have no contact with any surviving relatives on his side.

With all due respect, it's not going to get better. Once you leave, people tend to get on with their lives and expecting everyone to rush to you to get in touch is probably a bit unrealistic.

To me, it wasn't that unrealistic, because I'm used to my family organizing special dinners for relatives who moved away and came back for a visit, or who went away to study abroad for a semester, etc. etc.  Even prior to leaving, my family always has some kind of gathering, and I saw everyone at a big dinner before I left.

My mother and her sisters are all very passive-aggressive, too. I don't play games. I just ignore their comments, or lack thereof, unless they are straight with me, which they rarely ever are. Needless to say, I'm not very close to my family because of this decision. But, I spent a lot of time apologizing for things that I didn't feel I needed to be sorry for in order to keep the peace, and I decided years ago (with my counselor) that it was time to break that cycle and stop caring so much about what other people think (still working on that second bit, it's hard sometimes to will yourself not to care when your feelings are hurt, but I at least make an effort to appear indifferent to their comments.) You are happy, your aunt should be happy for you, if she isn't, then that is her problem. Simple as!

Thanks for sharing that, Jewlz.   I don't wan to lose the closeness I've always felt to my family, but I suppose in some ways it's a natural progression. I mean, I even made an agreement with Tim that we'd at least fly ME home at Thanksgiving (which is a bigger holiday in my family than Christmas) so I could see everyone, but now I wonder why bother?  My mom certainly won't care when during the year she sees me.

Heck, my mom's behavior over all this is absolutely MODEL. I mean, she hasn't once complained that I'll be moving, or whined about her being alone...just told me that if she can move with me after he sisters died, she'd like to.

Right now, I feel closer to Tim's family than my own.  His sister and brother and I leave messages for each other on Facebook,and his mom and I send texts back and forth periodically. 

  LOL.  We're German, came over when William Penn was given the land, blah, blah, blah, the original PA Germans (but not Amish!).  My dad's family is Jewish though, and when he married my mom (Presbyterian), his parents refused to talk to my mom or me and as a result I have no contact with any surviving relatives on his side.

Wow, that's a real shame.  Thank goodness you've got lots of family on your Mom's side to make up for it, though!

Your Mom sounds wonderfully supportive, you are very fortunate. 

Wow, that's a real shame.  Thank goodness you've got lots of family on your Mom's side to make up for it, though!

Your Mom sounds wonderfully supportive, you are very fortunate. 

*nods* I really appreciate her support...I was expecting lots of tears and anger from her, but surprisingly, she's okay with it!

*nods* I really appreciate her support...I was expecting lots of tears and anger from her, but surprisingly, she's okay with it!

Yeah, my mom was surprisingly supportive, as well. I expected her to be very upset, and I know she was a little, but she mostly kept it to herself, which was very shocking. It really showed how much she cares about my happiness and well-being. I hate to say it, but she is usually very much a selfish person, so it came as a huge surprise.

Yeah, my mom was surprisingly supportive, as well. I expected her to be very upset, and I know she was a little, but she mostly kept it to herself, which was very shocking. It really showed how much she cares about my happiness and well-being. I hate to say it, but she is usually very much a selfish person, so it came as a huge surprise.

Hey, my mom's the same way.  but I guess it comes down to her wanting her child to be happy, even if it means she's upset.

I still haven't talked to my aunt, but I did talk to her daughter yesterday (her daughter is taking care of my cat while we're in Florida)....it seems to be there are way more things going on for my aunt right now, and being angry at me might have been her "stress relief" over everything. I don't feel comfortable discussing my family's problems on an open forum, but I'd really appreciate good thoughts being sent her way right now. 

When we get back from FL, I'll probably go over and just talk to her to see if I can help her at all.

As it turns out, the problem might not be Aunt #5 (in order of birth), but Aunt #3...the one we're currently on vacation with.

So far, she's left the room anytime my cousin or Aunt #8 has asked me about moving or about Tim, and she frequently referrs to Tim as "what's his name".  A3 also gave away a train related item from her house that belonged to my pappy she knew I wanted to my cousin's son.


I'm to the point now where moving really can't come fast enough.  If I only have to deal with her once a year for holiday's, that's fine by me!