How do you handle the rows?

Hi everyone!

I've been a long time lurker, and finally am posting because I am in sore need of some advice, and I know this is the only group that could understand.

I'll save the details for another time, but the question I have is this: How do you deal with silly fights when in a LDR?

It's really frustrating when a conversation (usually on MSN messenger) then turns into something where we both find ourselves angry and logging off with our blood boiling.

I hate being angry, and I don't mind butting heads.  I just like to get it out of my system, have a few minutes of ugliness...then kiss and make up.

But that isn't going to happen. Instead I'm very mad, and know that I won't talk to him for a while.

Gah-it's just so frustrating. Any advice?

I hate being angry, and I don't mind butting heads.  I just like to get it out of my system, have a few minutes of ugliness...then kiss and make up.

But that isn't going to happen. Instead I'm very mad, and know that I won't talk to him for a while.

I try very hard to get it out of my system and then kiss and make up. I can't stand bad feelings and ugliness, so I'm quick to say I'm sorry and try to move on.

Why isn't that going to happen? Are you fights over super important things like money, kids, the future, etc?

And I'm the same way as you in terms of argument style-get it out quick, cool down, kiss and make up. But he signed off to go out, and I just hate things hanging in the air unresolved.

It isn't anything as serious as kids or money...we are on the same page about a lot of the big issues, which is why I think we are well suited for one another.

He made a deal to join me in giving up drink for two weeks (Simply because we are both trying to lose weight, and a few pints and takeaway doesn't help with that) and he told me tonight he was going to a friends house, the friend asked him to bring wine, and that it would be very impolite not to drink. I told him just to tell the friend he can't tonight, and if the friend presses, just say it is a health concern (and losing weight and being healthy is a health concern) and he told me that was lying? Well, nothing wrong with a white lie, and to prove my point, I asked him, "If your friend made the worst meal in the world, would you tell your friend it tasted terrible?" He told me he would!

He is just so stubborn, and it frustrates me. And then he logs off because he is mad at me, because I accuse him of not being serious about me. And I don't think he is sometimes, sometimes I doubt he is serious about anything.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I would advise that both of you need to make a pact to never sign off/ leave the conversation with heated tempers.  Stay on, work it out, and both go away at least content the other isnt angry.  Because, when one of you leaves the conversation angry, and then cooler heads prevail and you're (or he is) ready to apologize, you could find yourself in the scenario where your partner is not answering phones, texts, emails, etc because their feelings are hurt... leading you to then fret and feel stressed until you next are able to chat just to ensure there are no hard feelings.

LDRs are stressful as is, and even little things will cause the dumbest arguements you would never have in person.  no sense adding to the stress by signing off angry. Stay on, work it out, and you will be glad you did.

Please don't bite my head off....but Tim and I don't have arguments that leave us mad at each other.  If anything, we might get frustrated with the other, but we soon resolve the issue.

I agree with Nicky.  You should make an agreement to not sign off angry/not go to bed angry with each other. 

I would advise that both of you need to make a pact to never sign off/ leave the conversation with heated tempers.  Stay on, work it out, and both go away at least content the other isnt angry. 

Thank you very much, That is some really good advice. And I agree that the littlest things end up becoming big fights in an LDR. But I think some of it is that the little things always bring up the bigger issues.  I'm going to give him some time, and when he is ready to talk to me, I'll ask him to schedule a time where we can have a serious chat and get all the issues out in the open and resolved.

I just hate fighting in the first place. It makes me want to end it sometimes, even though I know I'll be heartbroken to do so.

Please don't bite my head off....but Tim and I don't have arguments that leave us mad at each other.  If anything, we might get frustrated with the other, but we soon resolve the issue.

I appreciate your opinion. For me, I guess this little argument just brings up a lot of other issues. And I don't know if these are issues that are related to being in an LDR, or real flaws in our relationship. I think I'm just going to try and forget about it for a few days and sort my head out.

Please don't bite my head off....but Tim and I don't have arguments that leave us mad at each other.  If anything, we might get frustrated with the other, but we soon resolve the issue.

I agree with Nicky.  You should make an agreement to not sign off angry/not go to bed angry with each other. 

Me and Steve are similar--we've never had a major row, but we've had arguments and disagreements and the like that make each other mad. He'll stomp off and cool down somewhere usually for 5-10 minutes, but our conversation is still running, neither one of us leave if it's not resolved. Usually once he comes back we've both had a little time to cool off and try again, and usually it'll get resolved at that point when cooler heads prevail.

Now whether or not this continues once I'm there, we'll see 

Hopefully he can see that by just cutting off the conversation in the middle of a fight, it doesn't really resolve anything--take a 5 minute breather or so to calm down or whatever is fine. Just buggering off completely helps breed resentment and a lot of unresolved anger over time 

I appreciate your opinion. For me, I guess this little argument just brings up a lot of other issues. And I don't know if these are issues that are related to being in an LDR, or real flaws in our relationship. I think I'm just going to try and forget about it for a few days and sort my head out.

I think little arguments are part of relationships, though. I actually thought Tim and I might not be normal since we don't fight, to be honest!  

how much time have you two spent together offline?  Do you fight when you're together?  It could be the fights are being caused by the frustration of being long distance.

I think little arguments are part of relationships, though. I actually thought Tim and I might not be normal since we don't fight, to be honest!  

how much time have you two spent together offline?  Do you fight when you're together?  It could be the fights are being caused by the frustration of being long distance.

I've been able to visit him twice. We spent 8 days together in January, and two weeks together last month. We did get into one major disagreement, and that is something that it still going on.

The more I've been thinking about it, the more I realized that I just don't think it will work out. But it is hard to give up on a relationship after spending so much time and money investing in it. I keep thinking "Oh, if only we were together, we wouldn't be having this fight"....but I don't know if that is true or not.

We did get into one major disagreement, and that is something that it still going on.

That's the sort of thing that would be giving me warning bells.  Just cos I've had too many relationships in the past with major disagreements that just carried on & never managed to get resolved. 

Wishing you all the best & hope things work out for you in a good way - one way or another.

I think little arguments are part of relationships, though. I actually thought Tim and I might not be normal since we don't fight, to be honest!  

Nothing wrong with that...DH and I have shouted at each other exactly once in three years, and that was at about the 6-month mark in our relationship.  It's not that I don't get angry with him (and he with me, I expect) it's just that we don't get carried away with it.  People often remark on how we don't ever fight, but honestly the fights just don't happen.  When we were in our LDR, there were times when I would be upset with him for not being online because he was playing games, or because it can be hard to sense exactly what people mean in IM or text, and I was misunderstanding him.  Distance can really screw with your head and by extension with your relationship.  I'd say don't give up yet, but try to spend as much time together as possible so you can see how you really get on IRL.  Any chance of an extended visit?  

That's the sort of thing that would be giving me warning bells.  Just cos I've had too many relationships in the past with major disagreements that just carried on & never managed to get resolved. 

Wishing you all the best & hope things work out for you in a good way - one way or another.

Thanks for the good wishes.

The one thing BIG issue that isn't resolved is even dumber than what is going on right now. He has been to a lot of music festivals, and when he goes there gets these fabric wristbands. Some of these he has worn for years. I have told him for months how disgusting they are, and he refuses to cut them off yet. It was a major issue when I was visiting him, because they just grossed me out. And I hated that we quarreled about it, and that something stupid as fabric was causing so much drama. My attitude is that if he really cares me, he should be able to get rid of them. His attitude is that I should not get so upset and be able to accept him for who he is.

Thanks to everyone for being able to listen. I don't really have too many people I can talk to about this without thinking I'm crazy.

It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

I agree. having listened to everyone share their experiences, it is clear that things between the BF and I are not so good. So I'm going to take a break from it.