Helping someone quit smoking

Anybody have any tips on how to help someone quit smoking? Especially someone who is sneaking around and not always bring honest about it?   

I know quitting smoking is a very hard thing to do - I did it! But I feel very annoyed and angry about this, which definitely isn't helping my case. So, I'm not as sympathetic as I could be.

Any advice?

They have to want to do it. Full stop.

Racheee is right. I've been with DH through about 3 rounds of quitting. The first time, I didn't live with him so it wasn't so hard for me. He lasted about 4 years then stress sent him back to smoking. The second time was last spring, but he didn't make it, and the third time, we are still going through. He quit smoking about 5 days after he arrived in the US when he realized almost no one smoked where he now works. He used the patches. It's not been fun for anyone, especially him. But, knock on wood, he's going into his 4th month now. He had one slip up, but despite all the stress, he's doing it. He really wants to be smoke-free for our boys as Sammy was picking up on things already.

Good luck!

Yes I agree with Racheee.

The person has to be be deeply and truly motivated to do it, and for themselves, not because of an objective persuasion that they don't really buy at an internal level.

I had a partner who, at a deep level, really didn't believe it was even harming his health. Thus, repeated attempts to quit just never "took" because at a very internal level he was rebelling against why he even should. He even resented me for wishing he would for both our sakes and for a longer and healthier life ahead for both of us. He actually believed, when it boiled down to it, that his smoking habit was having NO impact on his health so "why should I give it up?" He had an irrational belief that his health, at 47 was cast iron and always will be. I really believe that this was one (not the only, but ONE) of the factors that made us break up in the end. He took it as me wanting to "change" him instead of accepting him as he is ("I thought you understood, I've always smoked and always will" !!!!) -- like having a physical and mental addiction that is detrimental is part of your personality! Talk about distorted outlooks.

Only if he had his own wake up call and took it right inside himself that he wants or needs to quit, would he wind up being successful. Not my problem anymore.

So yeah, the above is to illustrate -- they have to take it onboard at a very deep level that THEY want to quit, rather than you or the government health department or anyone else persuading them that they "ought" to, even with the most loving will in the world.

DH and I are just about at the 6 month point in quitting....it's hard!

Perhaps if you could identify what the primary reason is that they're quitting - financial, health etc - and try to keep reinforcing the positives around them.  I wouldn't punish them for any slips, it's their life and only they can quit so if they have the odd slip then it's on them not anyone else.  So instead of being annoyed with them, which may make them more likely to sneak around, just keep on with the positive encouragement.

It takes 9 attempts on average so whilst some people find it easy to do, others don't.  I have a friend who used to be a stop smoking counsellor and all her good work is wasted on me if I ever get it into my head that I want a cig - and I've had more than my share of slips!

I agree with Racheee as well.  I smoked for 25 years and quit 16 years ago.  The first time I was nagged into it, so of course I failed and started sneaking cigs after about 5 or 6 months.  The second and final try was my choice totally.  I was motivated to keep breathing because it was becoming a lot of work.  No one was nagging me.  It was pure hell, one of the most, if not THE the most difficult thing I've ever done. 

My SD keeps nagging her hub to quit and I keep telling her it will have the opposite effect.  It has to be his choice. 

I quit four months before I first came to the UK to meet my now husband. Ironically, I quit because I was SO VERY addicted, I didn't think I could stand a six-hour plane flight as a smoker. I figured it was better to spread the misery over some months than endure the acuteness of that.

Little did I know it would be five years before the pain of it even began to subside. It didn't hurt as badly as I feared, but it hurt far, far longer. I still get cravings 12 years later.

So, yeah...you really can't nag someone into going through that.

Just to clarify anything I've said in my initial post above, I never nagged my partner to quit.

To coin the cliche, I was there. Trust me.

I believe I was gentle and loving in expressing my wish that he would quit for his own sake and for our life together being as long and healthy as possible. That's a reasonable desire, a loving one, and I believe I was never a harridan about this issue. The fact that he still resented me was his own distortion. The most loving approach in the world would have made this particular person think someone was on their case like a shrew.

As I said in my closing sentence, "with the most loving will in the world" --  even that cannot help a smoker who really is not internally invested in quitting for themselves.

Thank you all for your responses.

Good luck to everyone who has quit/is quitting! I smoked for 12 years and know how difficult it is. 

I'm sort of quitting, but the problem is that I don't really know why.  I on;t smoke every day, have just gone a week without which was easy (I won't smoke at Glastonbury because I don't want to drop butts in the field) but I don't really see the harm in having a few once a week in the pub.  I know Dan wants me to stop, I know I will have to stop when I have children/ghet pregnant but in the meantime I really want a reason to stop. 

Vicky

I'm sort of quitting, but the problem is that I don't really know why.  I on;t smoke every day, have just gone a week without which was easy (I won't smoke at Glastonbury because I don't want to drop butts in the field) but I don't really see the harm in having a few once a week in the pub.  I know Dan wants me to stop, I know I will have to stop when I have children/ghet pregnant but in the meantime I really want a reason to stop. 

Vicky

Because even a few once a week can affect your overall health. And they make you stinky. Are those good reasons?? 

I'm sort of quitting, but the problem is that I don't really know why.  I on;t smoke every day, have just gone a week without which was easy (I won't smoke at Glastonbury because I don't want to drop butts in the field) but I don't really see the harm in having a few once a week in the pub.  I know Dan wants me to stop, I know I will have to stop when I have children/ghet pregnant but in the meantime I really want a reason to stop. 

I don't know why you're quitting, either. My grandmother was that kind of smoker; she had a cigarette maybe a few times a year. If I could smoke like that, I'd still be doing it.

I couldn't, though. Pretty much every waking minute, I was either smoking or thinking about smoking.

I've quit several times.  Every time I was successful for any length of time, I used niccotine gum or lozenges.  I just gave up the gum last week after chewing it a year and a half.

One time I gave up smoking for over a year and still would get cravings, especially first thing in the morning.  Stoatula is spot on about that, at least for some of us.  I put on a lot of weight during that particular quitting attempt.  I think that's why I stuck with the gum for as long as I did this time.

People have to come to it themselves, but two things got me to quit: 1) a dear friend who was relatively fit, but late middle aged was having severe heart problems and I said I'd quit with her (I quit for over a year at that point, she went back to smoking) 2)I saw those commercials with the blocked arteries on a 32 year old smoker.

I went back to smoking, but I never felt good about it.  I quit again (and hopefully for good) when I moved here because of the price and how it was making my husband's asthma play up.

Ive smoked for about 29 years and have been half heartedly trying to stop for the last 4 years. I'm two weeks in which i know is not long but so far is going really well. I'm using lozenges and gum and what's working for me is:

i set my alarm for 30 minutes before i would normally get up, chew up a 4mg lozenge quickly and swig it all down (they taste horrible) with some water then go back to sleep till my normal wake up time. By then the nicotine is in my system so i do not want a cigarette with my first coffee.

i try to condition my brain so then when the urge comes i think i want nicotine rather than i want a cigarette - i then chew 4mg. gum

I made a list of small jobs that need doing - when i get the urge i go and do a job on the list to take my mind off it.

The week before i stopped i got back into the gym and started running again (more of an awkward looking breathless trot that week - i avoided a treadmill opposite a mirror  ), the improvement from that week to now is both noticeable and motivating. try and think of other things to do the week before you stop that can give you a positive comparison when you have stopped.

If i go out i will have a lozenge before i go and maybe one when I'm out so i have no cravings if around smokers.

I made a small credit card size list which i carry in my wallet. It says 'i want a cigarette now because.. and then has (rather sarcastically) all the bad reasons eg - smelling of tobacco makes me attractive or i like looking older than i am
On the other side it has reasons why i will feel good about resisting the urge to buy some. By the time i have read the card the craving has already diminished.

I am using about 10 lozenges/gum a day at the moment - using the swig option though i would suggest lozenges so that chewing gum (not attractive) does not become a replacement habit.

Its early days but every day i notice a difference and feel and look better. The above is working for me - so far, so good......

also - the other thing i intend to do in the next week or so is to see a stop smoking hynotherapist. I want her to alter her usual session to focus on getting me to subconciously dislike being around smokers and smoking. I just see this as a reinforcement and aid to my current strategy

Good luck, english.bloke! You sound like you're very motivated to quit and I really hope it works out for you.