Still coping with a LDR after the fact.

I am happily living with my husband now, and life is great... But my psyche doesn't realize it.

Vincent and I had a LDR for 6 1/2 years, as most of you know. We saw each other every summer for about 3 months, and then a few weeks at Christmas, and it was rough... It got to the point where I would just be thinking of the goodbye from the moment I got here. It would be the first day of a 3-month visit, and I would cry about the goodbye that was looming in the distance. Vincent would always say "but you just got here!" but I couldn't help it. I hated the feeling that it was inevitable and everything was constantly moving, and I always had the feeling that us being together permanently would never actually happen.

Well now I have scars from it... We are together. Forever. But it still feels like there is a goodbye out there waiting for us. It is completely illogical. But I guess my mind is just trained for separation... I still feel like we have to spend every second together and I seriously have separation anxiety! I hate when he leaves for work in the morning... How crazy is that? I keep trying to remind myself "You don't have to leave, you don't have to leave" but my brain cannot process that. I'm just tired of being sad for no reason and trying to convince myself of the truth!

I'm not really looking for any answers or anything. I'm hoping that once I'm past the 3-month mark it will feel more real... Has anyone else had this type of experience? Or am I just crazy?

(I think I'm probably just crazy.)

I hate when he leaves for work in the morning... How crazy is that?

Goodness sakes girl - I've been here 5+ years & I still hate when my husband leaves for work on the mornings that I don't work!  We don't spend every waking moment attached at the hip, but I just like knowing that he's around.

3 months is still way early days, IMO.  DH and I only did LDR for approx 1 year, but we still don't like spending any length of time apart.  I've gone back to see my US family a time or two without him - and to tend to my mom at intervals over a period of time when she was dying...and it was just incredibly hard those times for DH and I to be apart.  For that reason, we agreed that we just don't take vacations or travel apart anymore (unless it's like a business trip) - we just don't like being apart!

Oh god, I was hoping this was a temporary thing while my brain adjusts.  It just doesn't feel real. Feels like I'm still just visiting...

We actually DO spend every waking moment attached at the hip, because that was always what we did on visits! It's a positive thing, in a way: we don't take time together for granted most of the time... but in the long run, that can't be good for our relationship! I don't care how close two people are. You can still end up getting sick of each other.

We actually DO spend every waking moment attached at the hip, because that was always what we did on visits!

That'll probably lessen as time goes by - as you find a job (or whatever you're planning to do) & your own friends, start pursuing your own/different interests, etc.  When I was first living here, I know I was very clingy to him - but I think it's only natural when you're the new kid in the country.

I don't think there's anything wrong or crazy with missing your guy (even just a little bit) when he's away from you though - or if there is, then I'm wrong & crazy too! 

That'll probably lessen as time goes by - as you find a job (or whatever you're planning to do) & your own friends, start pursuing your own/different interests, etc.  When I was first living here, I know I was very clingy to him - but I think it's only natural when you're the new kid in the country.

I don't think there's anything wrong or crazy with missing your guy (even just a little bit) when he's away from you though - or if there is, then I'm wrong & crazy too! 

Well, thanks Mrs. R for making me feel less crazy. In September, even if I don't get a long-term teaching position, I will at least be doing Supply work... So hopefully that will help. But feeling better about being clingy for now!

princesslemons, I think what you're feeling sounds completely natural given the way you've had to live for six very long years.

Balance six years of the separation and missing and too-brief bits of time, against just a few months of that all being gone forever now, and it's hardly surprising that your "living apart" cogs are still grinding away and your "It's okay, we're together now" machinery is still new and trying to get the hand-over of the operation now.

When one has lived a certain way for a very long time, then it changes, it's normal for one's whole being to have difficulties catching up with that very change, no matter how wonderful it is. You need time to relax into the relief that everything is all right now. 

Be patient with yourself and know that it will happen.

I also don't think there is anything wrong in being clingy or joined at the hip with your man as long as he feels the same and is into it too -- I think there is nothing more adorable in the world than two people who equally want to be with each other as much of the time as possible, barring work of course. If it's mutually joyous, hell, don't knock it! 

I think simply time will decrease your separation anxiety, time and eventually finding work you want to do and are enjoying (not just putting up with). In the meantime, be gentle with yourself in the understanding that you had to live under an unusually stressful state of being regarding your relationship for a VERY long time, and to come down from that will naturally be a process, not instant. Take it easy and don't be hard on yourself -- hugs hugs hugs.

MB, you should DEFINITELY be my first British friend. You give the best insight. *hugs too*

I think that your metaphor really hits the nail on the head. That's a great way to think about it... I guess it will be a long process adjusting to... well, being happy basically! Not the worst thing to try and get used to.

MB, you should DEFINITELY be my first British friend. You give the best insight. *hugs too*

I think that your metaphor really hits the nail on the head. That's a great way to think about it... I guess it will be a long process adjusting to... well, being happy basically! Not the worst thing to try and get used to.

Aw! 

6 year LDR here too (plus another 6 months pre-marriage), and I have a lot of the things you describe, still, after being here in the UK almost 2 years.  So, no, you're not alone.

ETA: It does get a bit better, but it hasn't gone away for me yet.

6 year LDR here too (plus another 6 months pre-marriage), and I have a lot of the things you describe, still, after being here in the UK almost 2 years.  So, no, you're not alone.

ETA: It does get a bit better, but it hasn't gone away for me yet.

Glad to hear it does get better over time! And I'm glad that you get to be with your man too. Finally.

6 year LDR here too!  And, I felt EXACTLY what you were feeling for about the first seven months or so--to the point that I got nervous in crowded places/nervous about taking the bus/nervous about grocery shopping if DH wasn't there.  And I'm an insanely independent person who LOVES her alone time. I think it's difficult to forget when coming to the UK meant you would soon have to LEAVE the UK.  I'm happy to say, that around month 7 I started getting antsy and am now anxious to have a job, a driver's license, and somewhere to horseback ride! I think you have to relax into your new life--and then start building it!

I still don't REALLY like it when we are separated for more than a day or two, though. But some of that may be that (a surprise to me and many who know my prickly independent self) I LOVE being married. Love it.

I'm just curious as to why some of you waited so long.  A year is my limit, maybe because I am older and if it looks like marriage isn't in the offing, I don't want to waste any time with a timewaster.  I wasted plenty of years in the past with wrong men just dating locally and learned my lesson.  Throw in the cost of plane tickets and it concentrates the mind!   

I'm just curious as to why some of you waited so long.  A year is my limit, maybe because I am older and if it looks like marriage isn't in the offing, I don't want to waste any time with a timewaster.  I wasted plenty of years in the past with wrong men just dating locally and learned my lesson.  Throw in the cost of plane tickets and it concentrates the mind!   

Well, when we started dating I was 16... So I finished high school and college and got married 3 months later. And we knew the entire time we were going to get married, even that young.

Oh god, I was hoping this was a temporary thing while my brain adjusts.  It just doesn't feel real. Feels like I'm still just visiting...

We actually DO spend every waking moment attached at the hip, because that was always what we did on visits! It's a positive thing, in a way: we don't take time together for granted most of the time... but in the long run, that can't be good for our relationship! I don't care how close two people are. You can still end up getting sick of each other.

You said you and your now-hubby used to visit for three months in the summer and Christmas, right? Well, you're in the middle of the period right now when you used to be a visitor. Maybe you just got into emotional habit to associate this time with temporary togetherness before a separation.

Maybe when you get into the season when you and hubby used to be apart, it would make your situation feel more real to you.

You said you and your now-hubby used to visit for three months in the summer and Christmas, right? Well, you're in the middle of the period right now when you used to be a visitor. Maybe you just got into emotional habit to associate this time with temporary togetherness before a separation.

Maybe when you get into the season when you and hubby used to be apart, it would make your situation feel more real to you.

Thanks Mort! That is what I am hoping will happen. You have given me hope...

I am spending my birthday with him for the first time ever next month. I am hoping that will make it feel more real as well. Also, since I started a new job 2 days ago, maybe that will help me to feel more at home here and make it seem more permanent... *fingers crossed*

Thanks everybody for your support and kind words. It really helps.