ARRRGH! Advice please - MIL situtation

This story is a bit long and rambling, but I would really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it    My MIL really gets on my nerves!

So over 2 months ago my MIL mentioned going to a concert at Kenwood on 22nd August to my husband and me.  At the time we told her we weren't sure I would be able to go but that my husband would at least go. 

In the mean time, a friend of mine from the US made plans to come visit me and is flying in on the night of the concert.  I didn't remember the concert since it was mentioned in passing over 2 months ago and I didin't know that she had bought tickets when I told my friend that she could stay with us that weekend and that we didn't have any plans.  I checked with DH and he also thought we were free that weekend.  My friend is coming in to Heathrow at 9:30 pm and I really want to be able to meet her at the airport to help her get to my place.

DH suddenly remembered the concert last weekend so called MIL on Saturday to tell her I couldn't go, BUT in trying to save face he said that my friend hadn't checked dates with us so we "didn't feel honour-bound to meet her at the airport" so I might still be able to go.  Grr!  As soon as he got off the phone I told him that wasn't exactly true and I DID feel that I should meet my friend.  Then Monday night we were hanging out with his parents and his mom went off on me about the whole thing and told me that I HAVE TO GO to the concert and that I was being rude to not go and that the tickets were "quite expensive" (they are only about £30, so whatever).  I told her who was coming because she had met her at the wedding and I was hoping it would make her more sympathetic and instead she said "Oh the Asian girl.  She'll be fine." 

I am really annoyed at how she spoke to me.  She talked to me like a 5 year old.  She kept saying that if I had prior plans with friends that evening I wouldn't break those plans to pick up my US friend so why would I break plans with my in-laws?  And OF COURSE I would break plans with friends to meet my US friend!  People are usually understanding that you would want to meet someone who was coming to visit you.  My MIL compared the situation to that we are going to stay with his parents in Slough this weekend and they can't come to the train station to pick us up so we will take a short, cheap taxi ride to his parents house - where he grew up and has a key to get in.  Not the same AT ALL if you ask me!  And it won't be that easy for my friend to get to our place from Heathrow with the Victoria line being closed.  The other thing that complicates it all is that even if I do go to the concert I probably won't make it back to our flat before my friend so my friend would be waiting outside at night with all her belongings in our sketchy neighborhood.

The only compromise I can think of is going to 1/2 of the concert and trying to bolt over to Heathrow to still meet my friend.  (Which is really not ideal at all since the concert is in North London and Heathrow is South and it will take over an hour for me to get from the concert to the airport.)  It seems like my MIL is personally insulted that I don't want to go to the concert and would rather pick up my friend, so I don't know if this will be an acceptable compromise.  DH thinks I should tell my friend that she needs to stay in a hotel near Heathrow that night and I will meet her the next morning, but I don't like this idea at all!  I'm so annoyed at the whole thing.  I already didn't exactly like my MIL and now I really dislike her.  I didn't want our relationship to be like this and don't want to strain things for the future by not going to the concert (she seems the type to hold a grudge), but feel like I can't leave my friend either.  HELP!  Any advice???

It seems like your DH is really the person who's made a bit of a mess of this by saying you could go when in fact you couldn't.  I'd ask him to tell her that you're not available and offer them the 30 quid for your ticket.  I definitely wouldn't expect your friend to get a hotel room (seems a bit mad just for one night) nor ask her to travel out to your place on her own.

Does your husband have a friend he could invite to go to the concert so that your ticket wouldn't be wasted? They might chill out a bit if someone is using the ticket.

ETA: Cross-posted with geeta. I also like her suggestion of offering them the money for it and they can do what they wish with the ticket. And definitely make him handle it.

I agree with the advice so far. Your DH has messed things up a bit and he needs to be the one to sort it out with him mom.

It seems like your DH is really the person who's made a bit of a mess of this by saying you could go when in fact you couldn't.  I'd ask him to tell her that you're not available and offer them the 30 quid for your ticket.  I definitely wouldn't expect your friend to get a hotel room (seems a bit mad just for one night) nor ask her to travel out to your place on her own.

Yeah, your problem is with your DH, not your MiL. He shouldn't have fibbed and put you in the middle like that. He sorta went "oh yeah, wife's ditching you for her friend...take it away, wife!"

But your MiL lecturing you is also out of bounds -- adults don't do this to other adults, related or not.

If you have to meet your friend, you have to. Nothing to be done about it. "I'm so very sorry for the miscommunication, but unfortunatly I simply can't make the concert." Said with a regretful smile, repeated as needed.

ETA: Agree that you should ideally tell DH to handle it + an offer of money to compensate for the ticket (coming from him,) would probably be a nice gesture too.

Yeah, your problem is with your DH, not your MiL. He shouldn't have fibbed and put you in the middle like that. He sorta went "oh yeah, wife's ditching you for her friend...take it away, wife!"

But your MiL lecturing you is also out of bounds -- adults don't do this to other adults, related or not.

If you have to meet your friend, you have to. Nothing to be done about it. "I'm so very sorry for the miscommunication, but unfortunatly I simply can't make the concert." Said with a regretful smile, repeated as needed.

Pretty much what she said. 

And I definitely wouldn't go to half the concert and then over to Heathrow.  Seems like you'd have all the hassles and inconvenience when you weren't even the one who committed to the concert!

Although I don't really disagree with the advice given thus far I might take a different approach.  MIL is not going to go away, you are going to have her in your life for some years to come.  If she is the type to keep a grudge she is also probably the type that can make your life miserable if she wants.  She can make things difficult.  So I might try this time to keep the peace, don't give her that something she can always hold against you.  Is your friend the understanding type?  Have you told her what is going on?  My guess is that your friend will understand this difficult situation that your husband put you into.  Perhaps you can offer to pay for her hotel for that night, it shouldn't be much more than the £30 you might otherwise offer to pay for the concert ticket.  If her flight doesn't get in until 9:30 she probably won't get through immigration etc until 10:30.  I don't know how far from the airport you live but it sounds like it will be a very late night for you as she will be excited and want to spend time talking to you, you can't just go to bed.  It is so easy to stay at one of the hotels near the airport, you can pick her up the next morning without really losing any quality time.

Sometimes you have to be the grown up and keep the peace even though you know you aren't the one who is wrong.

And I definitely wouldn't go to half the concert and then over to Heathrow.  Seems like you'd have all the hassles and inconvenience when you weren't even the one who committed to the concert!

Also, I am not sure it would solve anything. That solution would work with someone who was genuinely aggrieved that they were losing out on your company. And as much as I'm sure your MiL is fond of you (and as much as she, herself, might claim different,) I think the issue here is more about hurt feelings and "But you like your friend more than meeeee!" than anything else.

Perhaps you can offer to pay for her hotel for that night, it shouldn't be much more than the £30 you might otherwise offer to pay for the concert ticket.

Not much more than £30!!? I want to stay at that hotel!! 

Sorry, kateydid, but I agree with the others. I think you can still be a grown-up while explaining rationally to your MIL that you need to meet your friend.

Although I don't really disagree with the advice given thus far I might take a different approach.  MIL is not going to go away, you are going to have her in your life for some years to come.  If she is the type to keep a grudge she is also probably the type that can make your life miserable if she wants.  She can make things difficult.  So I might try this time to keep the peace, don't give her that something she can always hold against you.  Is your friend the understanding type?  Have you told her what is going on?  My guess is that your friend will understand this difficult situation that your husband put you into.  Perhaps you can offer to pay for her hotel for that night, it shouldn't be much more than the £30 you might otherwise offer to pay for the concert ticket.  If her flight doesn't get in until 9:30 she probably won't get through immigration etc until 10:30.  I don't know how far from the airport you live but it sounds like it will be a very late night for you as she will be excited and want to spend time talking to you, you can't just go to bed.  It is so easy to stay at one of the hotels near the airport, you can pick her up the next morning without really losing any quality time.

Sometimes you have to be the grown up and keep the peace even though you know you aren't the one who is wrong.

I disagree. This might sound dramatic, but I'd rather set boundries now with both DH AND MiL than in the future deal with the fallout every time DH doesn't feel like giving mommy bad news.

Besides, the not-so-nice part of me kinda likes the idea of stranding son with mom by themseves, sans you, for a few hours, to hash things out between them.

Although I agree with kateydid that it would be good to keep the peace, I don't see why your friend should suffer because your DH committed you to something that you couldn't do.  (I consider having to stay in a hotel after your friend said you could stay at hers a bit insulting.)  I would think she'd be relieved to see some familiar faces after the hassles of a long international flight and immigration.

What about your DH paying for a minicab to get her from Heathrow to your place, and you could meet her there (leaving the concert early so she doesn't have to stand outside waiting)?  Surely a cab would be the same or cheaper than a hotel room?

I completely agree that you should stand your ground. YOU never committed to going to the concert, so MIL should have consulted you again before purchasing tickets to see if that was still the case. Even if you HAD committed to it, things come up, and well, someone traveling 5000 miles to see you is more important. Anyway, your DH fouled it up by saying maybe you could make it when he knew you would rather meet your friend at the airport, so leave him to deal with his mother.
Just tell her you are sorry, but you need to meet up with your friend who is coming all this way to see you, offer her the £30 or see if another relative would be willing to take your place, and just leave it at that. She will get over it eventually, and in the end, it isn't your fault that she is not an understanding person. As someone else said, if you give into her now, when else is she going to guilt trip you into doing what she wants you to do?

I think the issue here is more about hurt feelings and "But you like your friend more than meeeee!" than anything else.

That's what I think too.  And I want to say to her, "Of course I like my friend more than you!" Haha.  If only I could

As someone else said, if you give into her now, when else is she going to guilt trip you into doing what she wants you to do?

I'm worried about that too.  We just got married in April and this is the first time there's been any sort of uncomfortable situation with her.  I don't want to start a problem between my MIL and myself, but I also don't want her to think she can walk all over me for the rest of our lives.  (Not to mention lecturing me like a child!)  I really wish DH hadn't gotten me into this situation!  I think I will try to have him get me out of it since he got me into it, but I'm worried he won't phrase things right and she'll wind up not liking me.  He told me that between me and his mom he would pick me because I'm his wife but I don't want him to ever have to pick!  Thanks for all the advice.  Any more advice is certainly appreciated too :-)

By not accomodating her you're not stepping on the road to making him choose. You're declining to play that stupid "It's me or her!" game to start with.

It's amazing how much much "Aww..and your mom is such a lovely person. How sad that she feels differently about me," can disarm any  "Your wife is an evil so-and-so and she's trying to come between us!" kind of shenanigans.