Stepchild problems. Are all kids reared this way in UK?

his last name. it was explained to me because they were due to be married but then he couldnt take her crap. my husband says this was a way of keeping him from getting screwed by the support agencies here. so i understand that part, just dont understand why she kept collecting for a child that wasnt even there?

That's not right, but has nothing to do with his not having the same last name.  I wouldn't use that as an example of being terrible people.  Especially as your husband probably benefitted from it.

Lord, this is starting to sound abit like a Jeremy Kyle show....

You have my utmost sympathies but your husband sounds like a complete doormat.  

I know i'm a hardass but I just couldn't put up with this for very long....life is too short for that kindof stress that you no doubt, internalise and go about grinding your teeth about. He's nearly out of his teens. Time for your hubs to cut the apron strings and throw out some ultimatums. If he wants to be a DJ, great. Go for it. But your husband needs his sleep too so i'd tell the little man he needs to figure out a way home on his own. In a way, the damage has been done and getting any kind of change is going to be horrific.    

i know i feel kind of bad for venting like this, but i just want to explode! i feel bad because i see my husband being treated like sh*t, i feel worst that he feels the need to do for the boy before us (makes me feel an inch tall. we cant go anywhere on sundays because the boy has to be gotten up, dressed, fed and taken to the station for a 3 hour stint then picked up again and when the station is a twenty minute drive one way, it kind of eats up your day and gas.) and i also feel like a b*tch because my husband can sense when i am being tense with his son. but i cant help it. and i honestly just want to be able to take the reins and kick sense into him. NOT litteraly. lol

Sure you can.  If your stepchildren are living with you and it's affecting your relationship with your spouse (especially if said stepchildren are old enough to go to the big boys' prison!), it is your duty to try and make it better.  If stepmoms were always pushed to the back burner, nobody would ever sign up for that job!

If only you could be sure you'd be making it better. If stepping into the middle of it means nothing changes AND they all feel extra resentful toward you, that isn't exactly better.

If dad isn't angry on his own behalf already, that's a problem.

That's not right, but has nothing to do with his not having the same last name.  I wouldn't use that as an example of being terrible people.  Especially as your husband probably benefitted from it.

sorry that was not a jab at people doing that to help the other parent. the jab came from the fact that as her son, she is collecting money meant for one reason without actually having the right to do so. sorry for the confusion, you know how it is when you release, everything gets muddled into one thought.

If dad isn't angry on his own behalf already, that's a problem.

I completely agree with you there. 

To the OP: It sounds to me like some counseling is in order.  I was trying to be gentle about it before, but for the sake of your future with your husband, for his relationship with his son and for all your future as a family, GET COUNSELING.  These things don't just work themselves out.

If only you could be sure you'd be making it better. If stepping into the middle of it means nothing changes AND they all feel extra resentful toward you, that isn't exactly better.

If dad isn't angry on his own behalf already, that's a problem.

my hubby does eventually hit a wall and then he just releases with loud sounds emitting from his mouth (he goes into scouser mode, and i dont understand what he is saying LOL) and he may slam a door. but behind all this is months of aggrivation and lack of respect. the thing is the minute he is done venting (my hubby) he gets all sorrowful and then kisses ass to the boy. what is the point?
i often think that hubby knows whats wrong, but for some reason cant let go of this only child. i hope that when the boys come and there are 3 more that will treat him with respect and love, that he will finally get that "approval" that he seems to be searching for with his son.

my hubby does eventually hit a wall and then he just releases with loud sounds emitting from his mouth (he goes into scouser mode, and i dont understand what he is saying LOL) and he may slam a door. but behind all this is months of aggrivation and lack of respect. the thing is the minute he is done venting (my hubby) he gets all sorrowful and then kisses ass to the boy. what is the point?
i often think that hubby knows whats wrong, but for some reason cant let go of this only child. i hope that when the boys come and there are 3 more that will treat him with respect and love, that he will finally get that "approval" that he seems to be searching for with his son.

Are you moving your 3 boys over? When is that? Do you feel worried about putting them into such a tense situation? How do you think they'll react to the way he treats you? I know my two would be very upset and defensive..

I completely agree with you there. 

To the OP: It sounds to me like some counseling is in order.  I was trying to be gentle about it before, but for the sake of your future with your husband, for his relationship with his son and for all your future as a family, GET COUNSELING.  These things don't just work themselves out.

i have considered counseling for myself at least. just so that i can fret and fume instead of sitting like a powder keg near the camp fire. alot of times i think as soon as i have a job and im not around it 24-7 i may feel better. but then i start to think, im going to work so that the boy can borrow more money?
by the way thanks to all for being so supportive and giving feedback. im trying to keep up. lol

Are you moving your 3 boys over? When is that? Do you feel worried about putting them into such a tense situation? How do you think they'll react to the way he treats you? I know my two would be very upset and defensive..

we arent planning on bringing them over for about a year. i had this talk with hubby. and i would like to point out that the feeling an inch tall is my own thoughts. My husband is very loving to me and tries to make me happy, but unfortunately only when the boy isnt around and needing something. I guess i should be greatful that he is such a good man and that this is his only "vice" as where i have my own vices too that he puts up with.
he tells me "when the boys come over I will do for them just as much" where i usually say: "yes but my sons have enough independency and respect to not ask for such things".
my hubby was raised with 3 brothers and by two of the lovliest people who probably ever lived, his parents did everything for him too. but the difference that seems to be missing, is my hubby and his brothers appreciated what was done and didnt take advantage of the giving.

Can your stepson go & live with his mother for a bit? Give you a breather and allow you all to get things in perspective?

Stepchild problems. Are all kids reared this way in UK?

Yes they are. All houses have seperate rather than mixer taps, all british people are anti-american, all bathrooms in the uk have carpet rather than tiles and no-one, absolutely no-one rinses their dishes after they have washed them.

 

Nineteen is not a kid. Nineteen is going to the big boys' prison age. Nineteen is very nearly not-a-teenager-any-more age. Legal-contract-signing age.

Sounds like this young man needs the boot of reality swiftly up the backside of selfishness.

That said, I don't think you can get in the middle of other people's relationship with their kids. I doubt you'll make any headway and it'll just be upsetting all around. I mean, YOU can act any way you like toward him, but I think you have to be pretty gentle with your husband about making suggestions.

Then again, what do I know? I've never been a mom of any kind. Though I am a step-kid with a forty-year awkward relationship with a stepmother.

its hard not to get in the middle when it is someone attacking the person you love. i would like to make clear that these arguements only spring up about once every 2 months or so. but i dont think they should at all, my belief is that if you  fight about it more than once, then its not getting resolved and something more drastic needs to take place. i may feel jilted a bit because i tried so hard to be his friend and like a mom, only to be kicked everytime he felt the need to be a misserable cuss.

i often think that hubby knows whats wrong, but for some reason cant let go of this only child. i hope that when the boys come and there are 3 more that will treat him with respect and love, that he will finally get that "approval" that he seems to be searching for with his son.

What do you mean by 'let go'.  This kid will eventually get his act together and move on with his life.  He's bratty, needs to grow up, and learn to keep his mouth shut but there's probably a lot going on with everybody-sounds like you're all a bit too involved in each other's lives.  I would never read my kids' MSN conversations -because I probably wouldn't like what I found there.  Plus, that's a pretty big invasion of privacy whether he was talking about you or not.
And he's not just going to disappear, he's always going to be a part of your husbands life, even after your children move over.
If it was me, I'd work on helping the kid figure out what he wants to do in life, get him on and using public transportation, set down some strict ground rules for late night pickups and money borrowing and realize that what he's doing isn't all that out of the ordinary.

Can your stepson go & live with his mother for a bit? Give you a breather and allow you all to get things in perspective?

i wish! there has been threats made during fights, but the boy knows that with his mom there are two siblings that are much younger and the mother wont take kindly to his lazinabout. this came up once and she actually said "you do that at your father's house not at mine!" (this was about picking up trash.) now the way it sounded to me, was as if she was telling him its okay to be a burden to your dad, but i wont put up with it. maybe im wrong.

i wish! there has been threats made during fights, but the boy knows that with his mom there are two siblings that are much younger and the mother wont take kindly to his lazinabout. this came up once and she actually said "you do that at your father's house not at mine!" (this was about picking up trash.) now the way it sounded to me, was as if she was telling him its okay to be a burden to your dad, but i wont put up with it. maybe im wrong.

It sounds like to me that she's saying 'your Dad lets you get away with that crap but I won't.'