Email or Phone or Heaven forbid in person?

Chicken Little here --- actually I'm a grown woman who's very nervous about telling my Mom that it's getting very close to me leaving for England.

Summer of 2008 I phoned my mother to tell her that I was engaged and that I would be relocating to England sometime in 2009.  To say she was upset is an understatement.  The reason I did it via phone was because I had a suspicion that she would be disagreeable about it.  After giving her what I felt was great news --- her first response was 'do you love this man?'  then 'well all your girlfriends are married, and you're getting older, and some men can sense desperation in a woman' I kid you not.  I instantly became an 'old desperate woman' then the final thing she said to me on the phone was that 'I had spoiled her appetite' she didn't speak to me for a month after that.  That was the ONLY conversation we had about marriage or England.

Also, when I visited my fiance in England I asked my folks (i.e., mother since my poor dad is the 'silent partner') if they would watch my dog while I was gone during Christmas and New Years.  My mother said 'no!'  So close to the holidays I searched until I found a petsitter service willing to take watch my Pom at the very last notice which was more costly.  Actually the service was more pricey than my roundtrip airfare from DC to England.

Oh yes, and my older sister --- the only helpful thing she had to say was 'you might be able to find a cheap dress on ebay'  that was it!  Mind you -- when she married I helped out as much as I possibly could.  And 'ebay' was her attempt at helping me.  And her level of excitement when I told her the news was to try and do a background check on my fiance through a friend of hers that works with the FBI!

Long story short --- I have a contract on my house and I need to let my Mom know it's just a matter of time before I head to England.  My stomach is in knots as to how to tell her.  It won't be a shock but apparently she might be under the illusion that since I hadn't brought up the subject since last Summer that perhaps it was a 'dream or illusion' or whatever.

Any advice on how I should tell her?  Or how I should go about saying it?

I can't say my efforts to tell my parents have gone over very well either, but I chose to tell them in person.

We made the decision to go back after our visit last year.  I have tried to bring it up several times.  They have yelled at me, cried, threatened and degraded my marriage.  It seems as long as they're happy they give me their blessing on our marriage but as soon as they are unhappy...that is a different story.  The big one for me is that we have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.  I am 35 flippin' years old.  Isn't it time for me to make my own choices?  It's already hard enough for me to leave them, for despite their reaction, I still love them both very much.  This has been so difficult for me that it is effecting my health. 

Right now I just view my family's opinions and reactions as selfish.   

Regarding your sister's "cheap dress" comment...My marriage is my second one.  I married my hs sweethart and divorced after a year (So it doesn't count, right?).  My holier-than-thou cousins wanted to wear jeans to my wedding and hardly anyone turned out for our wedding.  They missed a great time because we had a traditional Scottish wedding and it was lovely!  My mother made me a sheath dress with a beaded bolero style jacket-- I felt like Jacki-O!  Must see to appreciate.  Anyway, to heck with your sister.  You go and buy yourself  a gorgeous dress and spare no expense!

You've got a contract on your house.  You are going.  "Mom, I'm going."  Say that and don't cry because the fact that I cried made it worse for my mom and dad.

Good luck.  PM me and let me know how it goes.  You can also read my thread "Huge Protest..." on grievances for the details how my announcement  went over like a bag of bricks

Blessings,
Julie

P.S. Are you getting married in UK or US?

I think I'd go with a written card in your case.

'Well, that's my house sold.  I'll be leaving for England on XYZ to marry X.  Wish you well and hope one day you can find peace with my decision.  All the best, DC Girl.'

I can't imagine being so nasty and spiteful to one of my own children. 

All these stories of families having these terrible reactions are beyond sad to read.

I think I'd go with a written card in your case.

'Well, that's my house sold.  I'll be leaving for England on XYZ to marry X.  Wish you well and hope one day you can find peace with my decision...

When Hallmark comes out with this line of greeting cards, I hope I can be on the design team!

All these stories of families having these terrible reactions are beyond sad to read.

Exactly what I've been thinking!  It's absolutely mind-blowing.  Makes me realise how valuable my family's support and enthusiasm has been.

DC Girl, if I were you, I don't think I'd attempt an in-person or on-the-phone confrontation.  A card is a good idea.  Good luck.   

Exactly what I've been thinking!  It's absolutely mind-blowing.  Makes me realise how valuable my family's support and enthusiasm has been.   

Me too. I broke the news to my parents that I was thinking about moving to England for grad school over dinner at the Cracker Barrel!    My entire family has been nothing but supportive ever since.

I'm going to say the opposite of what most people are saying.  I would do it on the phone.  I think if you sent a card or e-mail you might irrevocably hurt your relationship with your mom.  It sounds like you don't have a very good relationship anyway, but I think getting a card saying that your child is moving to another country is really harsh, no matter how strained the relationship.  I would just call her and say "Yay!  I have a contract on my house, so now I am officially moving on such-and-such date.  I can't wait for the wedding too!"  etc...  Just try not to let her argue with you or anything and just calmly explain that this is your decision and you are moving for your fiance who you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.

julie.bug
Thanks so much for your support.  This will be a first marriage for me and my fiance....also I'm 41 and have no kids.  I'd have to say the biggest shock for me was my sister's nonchalance (my Mom being nasty wasn't a real surprise).  The only other time my sister mentioned anything about wedding etc., was to ask if me and 'what's his name' were still together.  Incredible huh?  

And we're getting married in the UK -- we're looking at a place called Lovekyn Chapel.  
http://www.weddingvenues.com/venue3693.html

WestHighlandWay
historyenne
Bmore_2_UK
I know for a fact I couldn't face her in person --- and don't think I haven't thought of sending her an email once I'm already in England to say, 'guess where I am?'

LeisaB
Funny and sad thing is -- when I agree and go along with what my Mom says we have a great relationship.  When I think for myself that's when it seems to go down hill.  

I know the 'right' thing to do would be to talk to her and not send a note or email.  But my mother can be so hurtful at times then completely acts as if she never said anything nasty.  I can just imagine calling and telling her and she'll either give me the silent treatment or she'll tell me how disgusted she is with what I'm doing.

I gotta be a big girl --- take something to settle my stomach --- and pick up the phone  

Send her a postcard airmail when you land? Not the sweetest way to tell her but then what she has said hasnt been exactly sweet either.

Ohhhh...I'm going to go with the "letter" people. No offense, DC_Girl, but your mom scares me!

Not least because you might dare to say some things in a letter you might have a hard time with in person or on the phone. Nice things, I mean. I'd write well before you leave, something along the lines of "love you very much, Mom, and would love to have your blessing, but I decided it was better to write a letter and let you absorb the news without the drama of a confrontation in person..."

I'm a terrible coward about conflict.

hiya!

ooooh the chapel looks amazing! i'm so jealous! (the lewisham register office doesn't quite measure up

If you can, try to keep thinking about all the great things waiting for you here, and not the unfortunate things you're leaving behind.

Mother-daughter relationships can be such a nightmare (believe me, my mother is pretty crazy -- I also got a very negative response when I told her I was getting married. Who does that???)

For most of my life she drove me nuts but finally I just realised -- she's decided to be a miserable person, and there's nothing I can do about that. It doesn't really have anything to do with me, I think. Yes, it bothers me when she freaks out on me, but now it's more like I feel sorry for her. She truly believes that she can never be happy and life is terrible, and she refuses to go to therapy or do anything to make things better. Meanwhile she makes everyone around her miserable to varying degrees. So basically, I just keep telling myself that while I do have to deal with her, I don't have to live like her -- I can be happy and do all sorts of things and treat people well.

I know it's a cliche kind of, but at the end of the day, you can only control yourself -- you have no control over other people. It kind of sounds like your mom is having some control issues maybe -- like she's upset because you're going off and doing happy things without her, and without her approval? If she's used to people going along with her all the time, then your leaving might make her feel kind of vulnerable and maybe lash out. (not to excuse it, just some ten-cent analysis

Also, I wonder if there's something else similar to my mom, which is that the fact that I was unmarried into my late 30s was something that kind of cheered her up -- like, there was something she had done that I was incapable of. (Like when I told her I was going on for a phd, she said: might as well, it's not like you're ever going to get married and have kids now. [head thunk]) But again, that has nothing to do with you! It's just your mom being crazy.

Anyway, I think maybe you should talk to your mom on the phone. In person might be too intense, and a card I think will just make things worse. I can just hear your mom saying: and then not only did she up and move to england for some strange man, she told me in a CARD! It's just more ammunition. I know it will probably really suck, but well, then you can go to england and not deal with it for as long as you want!

And hey, congrats on the house!

Just be happy. It sucks when people won't be happy for you, but in the end it's more their loss than yours.

Good luck!!! Hope to meet you when you get over here

Exactly what I've been thinking!  It's absolutely mind-blowing.  Makes me realise how valuable my family's support and enthusiasm has been.

No kidding!  I knew my dad was being a really good sport, but I have no idea what I'd have done if anyone had been as awful to me as some of your "loved ones" have been.  Yeesh.

I'd vote for phone (easier said than done, I know) but don't let yourself be bullied.  If she goes on the attack, just end the call (possibly with "and you wonder why I'm leaving? Click.) and follow up with a note. 

Ugh!

I thought I would put my two p's in here. My story comes from a different angle, but from what I am reading your family sounds about the same as mine.
For years I avoided conflict and bent over backwards just to try and get a word of encouragement or praise from my parents. Not my dad so much as he was always in and out of the picture since I was 8 when my parents divorced.
But as for my mom and my younger sister and brothers, I tried for decades to no avail.
I would spend hours crying at the fact that my mom didnt seem to interested in talking with me and she was only happy when I married a business man ('business man', yah right! but thats a different story), and thought that I had come into money that she could benefit from.
Needless to say when that marriage went tits up, I was left to fend for myself. I went through times of living in my car with my children, a serious operation that was put off for lack of childcare that nearly killed me (my mom couldnt be bothered to watch the brood) and numerous other circumstances that usually pull a family together. (or so as I thought from all the movie hoopla hollywood shoves down our throats) But unfortunately life isnt always written for a happy ending.

The way I solved all my lack of love and stress at the whole sittuation:( I DONT recommend you do this, I only wish to show what can happen when a sittuation gets out of control.)
One day I called my mom around christmas and I told her I was fine and that the boys were fine too. I told her that I loved her and I was sorry that I didnt seem to be a good child in her eyes and then I said I will always love you but I cant deal with all the heartache and I hung up.
That was in 2006. My father hadnt spoken to me since 2000 when I told him I was moving from Oregon.
Now for awhile the pain I felt from being lonely at holidays and celebrations, was no different then how I felt at any other time when I was still speaking to my family, so it was easy to deal with. And the fact that I was no longer being stressed by hearing all the rumors that were being told about me from other family members, made it even easier. But there are still times now when I long to be able to speak with my mom. But I know that even if I talked to her today, she will never be the mom that I wish she was. I have found that the best option for me was to remove myself from a family that I felt as an outcast in anyways. But in making that decision I have had my share of downfalls.
it ranges from the smallest of annoyances in the fact that at my wedding to my hubby, there was no one on my side of the church. I dont have anyone to call and say happy moms day too. and i only find out about the family members passing through myspace and online obituaries. Although my sister felt it was necessary to take one last stab at me via email when my dad passed in 2007.
Basically all in all, you have to approach your parents and family in your own way. I Just keeping reminding myself that I have a new family now. One that I chose and they chose me. Its a sh*t way to look at it but, your married to your husband and have your own life. He is the one that will be there long after your parents are not. Dont let stress from your secondary family (as that is what they are now) affect your primary family. (which is your husband and little ones.) Focus on what you need to do and you may get knocked by your parents and siblings, but if they are willing to attack you for following your life path, then they are just obsticles that need removing or steered clear of.
Either way hon, I wish you all the best!

I have a really great relationship with my mom & dad. I'm the youngest of 3 and the only girl and I've been a globetrotter of sorts since I was 17 when I went to Canada with a group of friends for a week. After that when I was in Uni I lived in Ukraine for 2 summers running where there was only 1 telephone in the whole village that could make international calls and it cost me 20 Ghrivna for 3 minutes (which was about $4). When I moved to England 2 years ago it was really a case of I can't tell you where I'm going right now but I'll tell you when I get there (I was running from an abusive ex at the time) but I'll be back in 6 months. I called her a week later and told her I was in England. Then when my DH proposed to me I called my mom and said I'm getting married and moving permanently to England they were overjoyed.

My parents have always told me to live my life for me. My mom recently told me that she misses me and wished I lived closer but that as long as I'm happy then England is where I need to be. I wish everyone could have a mom & dad like mine.

Just tell her on the phone then. She is going to act however she chooses about it, and no method of telling her will change her sorry behaviour. I have a pretty difficult mother at times, though she was, shockingly, very supportive of my move. In your case, just be direct, tell her, and get on with your life. It's all you can do. You can't change her with your words or your action, it sounds like she will be hurtful toward you about it no matter what you do. I'm sorry you have to deal with her.