Official UKY parent venting thread

aww I am sorry to hear Imiss, Mom's turn into mutant creators on their kids wedding days.I know thats a sweeping generalization but most can't get over that the day isn't just about them

No kidding. I spent most of the morning on my wedding day on the phone with my mom, insisting that the wedding would be fine, she would look fine, and nobody would care whether or not we did an official cake-cutting ceremony.  I sent the hotel manager into hysterics as it was the first time he'd heard the bride talking the MOB down as opposed to the other way around.

Of course, yesterday my mom told me she's going to donate everything I left with them (like one or two boxes?) to Goodwill because it's in the way in the garage.   I told her I'd be happy to have some friends pick the stuff up and she got all offended that I didn't *trust* her to take care of my stuff.  Because she wanted to give it away!

When I got married to my first husband, my father was convinced the wedding "was all about him".    My parents also were not in any of the photos because my Dad decided to walk away, taking my mom (his biggest fan) with him.  Basically, my Dad decided he hated my then hubby and was bitter that we decided to forego any support (monetary or otherwise, to use my Dad's exact words) in order to have the kind of wedding *we* wanted to have.

ImissEngland, I think your mother is being very selfish.  I hope her behavior changes on the day of your wedding.  I also think you should go all out with your hair and makeup if that's what you want. 

When I got married to my first husband, my father was convinced the wedding "was all about him".    My parents also were not in any of the photos because my Dad decided to walk away, taking my mom (his biggest fan) with him.  Basically, my Dad decided he hated my then hubby and was bitter that we decided to forego any support (monetary or otherwise, to use my Dad's exact words) in order to have the kind of wedding *we* wanted to have.

ImissEngland, I think your mother is being very selfish.  I hope her behavior changes on the day of your wedding.  I also think you should go all out with your hair and makeup if that's what you want. 

Agreed! It's your day, and you have to feel 100% comfortable. If you're mom wants to have dodgy hair and not be in any photos then that is her choice, try not to let it upset you. You can stand with hubby looking radiant and gorgeous in every shot

Had a huge fight with my mom last night. She says she's not getting her hair professionally done for the wedding and that's a waste of money. (I'm paying!!!) and that she did her own hair for her wedding and I should do the same

Then she said it really didn't matter because she hates having her picture taken and she is not going to be in any of the pictures anyway.    

Ya know let her do her own thing....You do YOUR day your way....If she wants to be a part of it she will.  If she doesn't want her hair done - fine
When it comes to pictures just say we are taking pictures now - if she wants to she will but you can't force her and no need to beat yourself up over it...

I hate when people try to make you change "your stuff"

Hang in there

My mom (and I do love her).  The last time we spoke on Skype she babbled on and on and on and everytime I tried to say something she cut me off.  Near the end she said (in a hurt tone of voice) "Well I guess you don't have anything to say for yourself since I'm the one doing all the talking!"  

My dad (much harder to love).  He never calls me, discourages me from calling him by not getting Skype saying he'd "never use it anyway"    He hasn't shown an interest in my life in over 15 years (except when he tried to control my first wedding) and he never emails me unless I email him first.  *Except* when he wants to send me angry emails about politics (anything to do with anti-Israel sentiment).  

I sent him a birthday card and he emails me to say thanks he got it, and then goes on and on and about how he hopes my husband doesn't belong to some union that boycotted Israeli educational institutions, etc etc.  I emailed back short and sweet, my husband doesn't belong to any union and neither of us is political.  Knowing my dad he will take that as an agressive stance against my Jewish heritage and go on about it to my mom. I am proud of my heritage, but I don't think everything Israel does is right.  I also don't follow the politics, I've got enough on my plate trying to make a peaceful life for myself in a new country, plus I'm just a hippy at heart and hate war and killing no matter what.   

I just wish he would ask me a question about my own life once in a while, tell me he loves me (hasn't done that in years).  I couldn't care less about his agressive political stance.  It has nothing to do with our Jewish heritage as far as I'm concerned and is really quite hypocritcical considering my dad practically left my sister and I when we were younger and never took me to synagogue services when I wanted to go.  I'm angry and shaking.  It feels like a smack in the face to get that email.

Sorry for the rant, people.  

Sorry for the rant, people. 

This is a venting thread! 

I am sorry to hear that people here (on this thread) are hurting because they aren't getting the validation they need as people in their own right from their parents. It totally sucks.....

This is a venting thread!  

I am sorry to hear that people here (on this thread) are hurting because they aren't getting the validation they need as people in their own right from their parents. It totally sucks.....

Thank you mapleleafgirl.     Mike and I talked about it this morning so I felt better by the time I went to work, but ugh--just got another email from my dad lecturing me--lots of capital letters, lots of "you shoulds" and accusations that I am not contributing to my culture, I could go on, but I won't.  I feel better in a bit since I just deleted it.

I feel better in a bit since I just deleted it.

Sometimes that's the best way to deal with parents. It's a shame you can't press the delete button when you're with them in person!

Sometimes that's the best way to deal with parents. It's a shame you can't press the delete button when you're with them in person!

So true, chary! 

Aren't you just working on your mindfulness? 

Try and be good to yourself 

even if others aren't unintentionally or intentionally: sometimes it's actually about themselves and their own baggage, but being dumped on you....

My mom complaining about my dad and playing the martyr about how tough her life has been.  Granted, I don't think she has had it easy, but someone else's problems (pain, difficulties in life, cost of food, whatever) can never compare to hers.  

Also, she is meant to go in a month's time to a lung specialist.  Of course she acts like it is definitely cancer, and it could well be.  Of course, if it does turn out to be cancer (or emphysema for that matter) it will be because of the chemicals in the factory she worked in and not the fact she smokes like a chimney.  Because she quit smoking in 1982, and definitely hasn't been a closet smoker since then (your senses--sight, smell, hearing--are deceiving you if you detect her constantly smoking behind people's backs).  

Don't get me wrong, I am scared for her.  I don't think it's my decision or anyone else's to make whether she smokes or not.  That is why I don't get the neurotic closet smoking thing, and never have.  I want to be there for her, but when I ask about it, I definitely can't bear the excuses, martyr act, avoidance, and what I know is going to be a refusal of treatment if she ends up with something terminal.  

 

My dad (much harder to love).  He never calls me, discourages me from calling him by not getting Skype saying he'd "never use it anyway"    He hasn't shown an interest in my life in over 15 years (except when he tried to control my first wedding) and he never emails me unless I email him first.  *Except* when he wants to send me angry emails about politics (anything to do with anti-Israel sentiment).  

I sent him a birthday card and he emails me to say thanks he got it, and then goes on and on and about how he hopes my husband doesn't belong to some union that boycotted Israeli educational institutions, etc etc.  I emailed back short and sweet, my husband doesn't belong to any union and neither of us is political.  Knowing my dad he will take that as an agressive stance against my Jewish heritage and go on about it to my mom. I am proud of my heritage, but I don't think everything Israel does is right.  I also don't follow the politics, I've got enough on my plate trying to make a peaceful life for myself in a new country, plus I'm just a hippy at heart and hate war and killing no matter what.   

I just wish he would ask me a question about my own life once in a while, tell me he loves me (hasn't done that in years).  I couldn't care less about his agressive political stance.  It has nothing to do with our Jewish heritage as far as I'm concerned and is really quite hypocritcical considering my dad practically left my sister and I when we were younger and never took me to synagogue services when I wanted to go.  I'm angry and shaking.  It feels like a smack in the face to get that email.

Sorry for the rant, people.  

We all need some rant time One of the hardest things in the world is dealing with difficult parents, there's such a deep set emotional tug that pulls you towards loving them, and giving them more chances, and trying again, when often they don't warrant the effort and attention you give them just to keep the relationship going.

You know who you are, you know what your faith is(general faith, not just religious - I do not believe in God in any form, certainly I'm not religious but I have faith if that makes sense), you know what your heritage means to you and you're proud of who you are (you should be, you're great!).  Those are the things that matter the most.

Your Dad can choose to believe whatever he wants about you, but that doesn't make any of them true, none of the dispersions he casts are remotely true, and finding your own path and deciding for yourself what you want to believe in, is every bit as valid a path as following Israel's stance verbatim (if that's your particular bag). You've become a strong, spiritual person without his help, that's something to be proud of.

I know you know all that, but I thought I'd remind you that you're great!

Awww, Andee. Just saw this. I'm sorry your dad is like that. My family is very religious (Protestant Christians) and is always pushing that in my face and it annoys me, too, because I just don't want to hear about it. I just want to say "Thanks, I've already heard the "good news" so you can just eff off now."     I don't blame you for being upset. It's hard to just roll your eyes and get on with your life, as you want to have a relationship with your dad, but obviously if he is going to insist on bombarding you with his own religious and political agenda, what can you do? At least you are far away and don't have to hear these rants in person, I guess.  Sorry you had a bad day, and I hope you are feeling better. Dealing with family sucks sometimes! Why can't it ever just be easy and fun? I feel like we are a lot alike - both pretty mellow, low-key hippie types who wish everyone could just get along.  I hate stress and conflict and confrontation, and I know you do, too, but some people just thrive on that stuff (my mother is one of those people) and it sucks when they try to drag you into the drama when you would just rather just have a pleasant conversation and listen to some good music or something.  Why can't they just relax and enjoy their life? Who knows... I guess we just have to try to forget about their drama and try to enjoy our own! 

My mom complaining about my dad and playing the martyr about how tough her life has been.  Granted, I don't think she has had it easy, but someone else's problems (pain, difficulties in life, cost of food, whatever) can never compare to hers.  

Also, she is meant to go in a month's time to a lung specialist.  Of course she acts like it is definitely cancer, and it could well be.  Of course, if it does turn out to be cancer (or emphysema for that matter) it will be because of the chemicals in the factory she worked in and not the fact she smokes like a chimney.  Because she quit smoking in 1982, and definitely hasn't been a closet smoker since then (your senses--sight, smell, hearing--are deceiving you if you detect her constantly smoking behind people's backs).  

Don't get me wrong, I am scared for her.  I don't think it's my decision or anyone else's to make whether she smokes or not.  That is why I don't get the neurotic closet smoking thing, and never have.  I want to be there for her, but when I ask about it, I definitely can't bear the excuses, martyr act, avoidance, and what I know is going to be a refusal of treatment if she ends up with something terminal.  

Hugs to you, Legs.  I am sorry to hear about your Mom. It is so very hard to listen to a litany of complaints when someone doesn't want to do anything to make the complaints better...and it is even more painful when it is a loved one dealing with their health.  I guess you should at least take comfort that at least you are giving her an opportunity to vent, which can be beneficial.

Hugs to you, Legs.  I am sorry to hear about your Mom. It is so very hard to listen to a litany of complaints when someone doesn't want to do anything to make the complaints better...and it is even more painful when it is a loved one dealing with their health.  I guess you should at least take comfort that at least you are giving her an opportunity to vent, which can be beneficial.

Thanks, Karrit.  I've actually known about the appointment for a while, but I've not really said much about it because we won't know what's going on until she has it.  Until then, she won't talk about it directly, but it lurks in every conversation.