Official UKY parent venting thread

Mapleleafgirl, cheesebiscuit, and Jewlz--thank you all!     

I'm not normally one for the big, long, venting rants... but I've already had a go at my sister, and bf isn't answering the phone just now, so here goes....

I'm sorely tempted to drive up to my dad's house and kick him right square in the ars*!  I was talking to my sister earlier, and she told me that, apparently, my dad and stepmom are having some pretty serious problems.  It's gotten to the point that my youngest sister (who's only 10) has been calling up in tears, because she's afraid that they're going to get a divorce.

Granted, I only have a 3rd-hand account of one side of the story.  And some of it, like the idea that my dad's having an affair, I just don't believe.  But other than that, most of his alleged behavior sounds all-too-familiar, because it's the same sort of crap he used to pull when he and my mother were still married.  Back then, he used to be out night after night drinking.  He doesn't drink anymore, but now he's out playing poker.  And he's still gone fishing every weekend.  And apparently still annoyed at being expected to contribute to little things like the mortgage payment.  And hanging out all the time with my dumb-ass, irresponsible uncle (who's got his own string of divorces/break-ups).

It all boils down to the same things: a) He's stressed out about stuff at home, so instead of trying to deal with it, he just avoids it by spending all his time away with his buddies; b) he's so self-centered that he honestly doesn't see why he shouldn't be able to do exactly what he wants, when he wants, and views any demands on his time or money as horribly unfair; and c) he's so freakin' clueless about other people's feelings that he doesn't understand that, just because he can throw a little tantrum and storm off, and then forget about it a half-hour later, other people don't work like that.  He doesn't see things building up.  When my mother kicked him out after 25 awful years, he was honestly stunned.  And he'll be just as blind-sided if my stepmother kicks him out.

This really bothers me, for several reasons.  First of all, I really love my step-mom, and all my step-siblings.  We've been a family now for over 10 years, and I hate knowing that could all change.  Even if we stayed in touch, it would never be the same. 

Secondly, I worry about my youngest (half)sister.  I don't want her to go through a divorce.  She's a really sensitive kid, and I don't think she'd take it well.  She's also just getting to the age, and has just enough of a bratty streak, that I worry what would happen if she got the chance to play her parents off one another.  My other sister was still at home when our parents got divorced, and she really went off the rails at that point, because she could get away with it.  I don't want to see that happen again. 

Third, I'm worried about my little (step)nieces & nephews.  My dad really loves spending time with them, and they're close to him as well.  He's been a really stable influence, especially for my nephews, and I think they'd really miss that.  And I don't see my cow of a stepsister going out of her way to make sure my dad still got to see the boys.  Also, my sister and nephew live in Florida, so he doesn't get to spend much time with them, and if I ever have kids, they'll be growing up in the UK.  I just know it'll hurt my dad not to get to see his grandkids, and I felt better knowing that at least he had plenty there with him to fill the gap.

And that kind of brings me to the other thing that really worries me about this.  I tend to feel really responsible for my family, since I'm the oldest, and it's in my nature.  I felt guilty at the idea of leaving the country and abandoning my family, but I felt better thinking that at least my dad had plenty of people around to keep him company and to help take care of him if anything happened.  If he ends up divorced and all on his own again, I'd just feel awful!  I can't even think about it without crying! I just can't stand the thought of anyone I love being all alone.

So, yeah... I'm worried about all of this stuff, and it makes me really angry to think that he's making the same mistakes all over again, and kind of bringing it on himself.  And I'm frustrated because as much as I'd like to tell him off for it, and try to talk sense into him, I just can't.  It's impossible to have that kind of conversation with my dad. 

Anyhow, that's it.  Thanks for letting me rant.

So sorry to hear that, woadgrrl. I hate it when I see people I care about making stupid mistakes and refusing to be reasonable. It's too bad you can't just choose for them sometimes! Whatever happens, it's all in his hands, now. Sadly, there is just nothing anyone can do to stop him if he is screwing up his relationship. Maybe you could talk to your stepmother and see if she has spoken to him about how serious the situation is getting. I hate how some adults can't seem to ever grow up. 

My mother and taxes.  She wanted to claim me as a dependent on her taxes, but I told her before I even moved here that I had to claim anything I earned in the UK... When I talked to her yesterday I reminded her of that and she said "No you don't." As though I've done no research on the topic and she's done any... Well, I read her rules from the IRS website as well as the US Embassy in London confirming what I told her, after she told me I must be doing it wrong for the 20th time... Then she conceded and got irritated and just hung up really fast. I haven't heard from her again.

I'm so agitated about it... If she would just listen in the first place, she wouldn't have had false expectations. It's ruined my day.

My mother and taxes.  She wanted to claim me as a dependent on her taxes

How would she plan on having that work exactly?

Doen't she need to be providing over half of your total support during the year (which would then be odd since you live in the UK  )  and don't you have to be earning less than $3800 or something?  I dunno, I don't really get the tax thing about dependents

How would she plan on having that work exactly?

Doen't she need to be providing over half of your total support during the year (which would then be odd since you live in the UK  )  and don't you have to be earning less than $3800 or something?  I dunno, I don't really get the tax thing about dependents

I lived there for JUST over half the year. Technically I lived there for a full year, but it was June-June.

She thought she could claim my income for January-June, when I worked at the grocery store and really did make under that amount. Even though I TOLD her that I would have to claim my UK earnings.  Sometimes she just doesn't listen.

I got the rudest, nastiest phone call from my mother last night.  "Are you still moving to Scotland?" she growled in her deepest tone of voice like I'm a teenager coming home after curfew!  WTF?  We never changed our plans about moving in the first place!  We just decided to pursue a springtime move instead of winter due to jobs and housing accommodations which is a long story in and of itself.

My mother just decides to "ignore it so it will go away."  For example when my little doggie was killed, she bought my children a puppy.  She bought my middle son a four-wheeler for his birthday.  She is manipulating my children with gifts and says Norry's parents don't do anything for them.  She manipulates me with threats of not ever seeing us again.  She claims they need us here because of their health; all the while, they are travelling all over the country doing stuff they want to do, buying sports cars and restoration projects, camping, fishing, planning a trip to New York this spring.  My parents-in-law are pretty much homebound at this point and my mil's situation is pretty dire. 

Why should I have to rehash our reasoning at this time?  I am going on 36 years old!  Why do I have to justify anything at all?  Aside from anything, why can't my moving be just because I want to?  My mother is pretty much a controlling hag that I can't wait to be away from at this point.  I have had so many wonderful opportunities that I never took because "Mother wouldn't let me."  Needless to say, I am in counseling over the stress and my health is suffering.  My husband's health is suffering.  What does my mother care about- herself!!! 

We had moved our plans to move this summer and pursue other ways of getting across.  Out of the blue a few weeks ago, my husband got a phone call from a prospective employer saying that the job is his as long as contracts come through and he still wants it.  We decided not to tell my parents anything due to the past upheaval of emotion and threats.  Besides, unless the contracts come through we're right where we started anyway so why stir up anything?  I did tell my sister over nervous excitement and she's the only one who knows. 

Back to the phone call...I asked her why she brought it up or even assumed our plans had changed in the first place.  She claimed it was my FB page.  My FB page?  There was nothing on my fb page.  My UK cousin (inlaw) had posted that we need to get over there in her own words and written in a Scottish dialect, so there is no way she could have ascertained anything from that!  My sister must have told her...Oh, well.  I was so p'd off that I just deleted my mother off my FB account.  She follows me around anyway and reads my posts on my group pages.  FFS!  Do you think a restraining order would be going too far? LOL!

Why should I have to rehash our reasoning at this time?  I am going on 36 years old!  Why do I have to justify anything at all?  Aside from anything, why can't my moving be just because I want to?  My mother is pretty much a controlling hag that I can't wait to be away from at this point.  I have had so many wonderful opportunities that I never took because "Mother wouldn't let me."  Needless to say, I am in counseling over the stress and my health is suffering.  My husband's health is suffering.  What does my mother care about- herself!!! 

Do you have to rehash anything with her?  Maybe it is worth trying a new way of talking with her? 

Next time she calls and harps on the move, why not ask her if there is anything else she wanted to talk about?  If yes, then move onto that subject.  If not, then tell her that you are sorry but the subject is not open and get off the phone.

Oh god.  Dying of shame.  My father has been sending out those terrible spam forwards of a conservative political nature.  This isn't terribly uncommon in the 65+ set, but I wish he'd send that sh!t to people who agree with him and not longtime family friends who are now deeply offended.  My mother would kill him.  Except she's gone and now I get to be the one to explain that this is the epitome of NOT COOL.  I don't even care that it's all wingnut stuff, but I do care that he sends out stuff that is patently false -- which makes him look like an idiot.  I love my dad, and know he's really, really angry at the world, but he's got to stop with the forwards. 

Major problem?  No.  Just really effing annoying.  And embarrassing.   

He b*tches that no one calls or visits since my mom died.  But the people he offended were among the only ones who HAVE called and visited.  ARGH!
 

My mother is still convinced that DH will die/divorce me and leave me with nothing and that I should have a secret savings account "to take care of [myself]". So I don't end up "stuck" like she is.  (She makes well into the six figures and spends it, I make nearly nothing and save most of it).  She says this while on the phone with my father, who obviously would never do either thing or let anything happen to her. (even if she is acting as if she is living on a knife's edge all the time).

It makes steam shoot out of my ears, and it totally ruins the weekly conversation with my parents (I've started thinking about just calling my dad on his cell phone, but that would TOTALLY cause a meltdown on my mom's part).

julie.bug, I know that was a while ago, but that sounds like my mother.  My mother is trying to guilt me to coming back to the US. 

My mother and father have been divorced and living separately for over a decade now. Yet my father still calls her his wife You can't talk any sense into the man! My brothers and I were actually happy to have them divorced. But any and all problems that occurred with us as we grew up we're, according to my father, because they didn't live together.

I've told him, how many times , to get over it and that they are no longer married. I've stopped saying it because doing so is like ordering my father to have a stupid little temper-tantrum.

Both of my parents are two of the MOST STUBBORN people in the world. Period.

Reason why I'm ranting now is because my dad felt he needed to take care of my mother's bills while she was out of the country. He found that she had some credit card debt and paid it! Thousands of dollars! When I found out, I told him that he is not going to see a dime from her! He is in SUCH denial! Will the man ever grow up!   

My dad had a really good one tonight.  My dad comes to Britain or any European country and thinks he fits right in.  It's annoying and very embarrassing because he just doesn't at all, but of my parents I'm more his than my mom's so I try to cushion him, but really it's tough.  He thinks he 'gets' the culture so well and he can mesh with anyone but he just doesn't see that he's not fitting in and how much smoothing over I do after him.  He doesn't get how difficult it is to move to a different culture, despite me telling him how big a crash it was for me.  He wants to retire to Belize and told me 'it's fine, they speak English there so it won't be a hard transition'.  This is after he's seen how hard it can be for people to move from America to England even though we all speak English.  And he's also convinced that Europe will take him because he's special or something.   

We're only a couple weeks into the planning stage for our Big Move to the U.K. and my mother has spent half of this time literally IN BED ill because she cannot handle the stress of us all leaving.

Her greatest impulse when things get rough or too much is to feign illness. She did it the night before my wedding, right around the time my son was born, and now she's doing it in reaction to our decision to move. I've never seen somebody with such a physical response to stress.

What makes it even more frustrating is that she never admits that it's the stress that is making her sick. She'll act as if it's a random bug that hit her out of nowhere---despite no fever, stomach issues, whatever.

We're not moving until Late Summer, so it'll be a very long few months if she keeps this up. I so need a MOM right now while I'm trying to sort things out and get used to the idea of living abroad. But I feel even more frustratingly like the parent in this situation. 

Ahhh...I feel better.

We're only a couple weeks into the planning stage for our Big Move to the U.K. and my mother has spent half of this time literally IN BED ill because she cannot handle the stress of us all leaving.

Her greatest impulse when things get rough or too much is to feign illness. She did it the night before my wedding, right around the time my son was born, and now she's doing it in reaction to our decision to move. I've never seen somebody with such a physical response to stress.

What makes it even more frustrating is that she never admits that it's the stress that is making her sick. She'll act as if it's a random bug that hit her out of nowhere---despite no fever, stomach issues, whatever.

We're not moving until Late Summer, so it'll be a very long few months if she keeps this up. I so need a MOM right now while I'm trying to sort things out and get used to the idea of living abroad. But I feel even more frustratingly like the parent in this situation. 

Ahhh...I feel better.

We could have the same mother.    I've been fighting with my mom's craziness for the last 18 months when we started playing with the idea of leaving.  My first mentioning, she actually threatened to send me to the mental hospital.  The next time I brought it up was on an outing and she had me bawling and hyper-ventilating in the car and my children were crying.  So I never brought it up again and this last time she found out by my fb page a few weeks ago. I guess she thought that if she pretended it wasn't there it would go away- like it's a monster or something. LOL.  There's other details -- feel free to scroll up and read my post.

PM me if you need to vent because I think I win hands down in the crazy mother department.

(((HUGS)))))