Resistance from spouse

Hi all,

Well, we've been through green card and giving it up, etc, etc...  My husband has always agreed to move to the US, but only with a job.  He hasn't found one looking from here.  I have been here 4 years and am just not happy.  I feel a bit whiny, but do feel without support, my father just died, and I think it's time.

I talked with my husband about it last night and he has barely spoken since.  Has anyone else met resistance?  He says he's not resistant, but worried about $$, which I get.  He won't live with my Mom, but we will have the sale of the house to live off for a bit.

I agree it's risky, esp. if he doesn't want to live with my Mom for a bit, but I also think it's risky to force ourselves to stay here when it is a largely unhappy situation.

Thanks all.

We want to move back and we are preparing for it now, but I am scared (abit) its such a big move for us as we have 4 children and I worry about the 2 middle ones and school one has dyslexia and dyspraxia, the youngest is at the right age he is coming up 6.

The other thing is I worry about being alone over there if anything ever happened to my husband, we have his family and they are fantastic I love his mom to bits she is great.

I also worry about not working there and investing all of my money (if we sell the house here) and losing it that sort of thing but you have to be brave and bite the bullet and maybe its just a bit scary for him but men do not say often do they.

Be gentle and maybe go on a scouting trip to look for work.

What does he do over in the UK?

good luck

Sonya

Well, it's never easy to look for a job in one country while living in another. I agree about the scouting trip to maybe search out some employment possibilities. But, I can see your husband's concern, with the economy the way it is on both sides of the Atlantic, it may be hard to start fresh at the moment. It's a tough decision.

After about 2 years of talking about moving to the states, my DH and I finally made the decision to go for it.  His biggest concern is not having a job and being able to support his family.  We are looking at moving in about 12-18 months so hopefully the economy will have picked up a bit by then and his company will be willing to do an inter company transfer, but right now they won't. 

I can totally see why your hubby would be worried, it's a guy thing.  Take it slow and try not to dwell on the fact that you aren't very happy here.  He may also be a little worried that he won't be happy their either.  Try to think of all the positives about moving there and bring them up every so often.  Like for instance, for the last year whenever my DH has complained about customer service in the UK, I just casually tell a story about some great experience I had in the US.  Manipulative...yes...but it seems to have worked.  He has agreed that we should move to the US.  Also help him look for a job or build contacts with people you know out there. 

Good luck!

Thanks all.  I've done a lot of helping with contacts, but I do think it may be easier to be there in order to look for work. 

He is in HR.  He's the head of HR in his company and he wants a similar leve job.  I"ve told him he might have to take a lesser one. 

The thing that scared me is that he acted so out of character.  He was silent - he can be that way - but then didn't sleep and went to work today dressed in the same clothes as yesterday without showering or anything.

I hate to make him so upset, but I've given it 4 years.  Now I'm just babbling...  Thank you all for your advice.  I will continue to talk with him, but think this time I just need to say we're going to give it a go....

Not easy....

If he is that upset at the prospect of moving to the States without a job, I'm not sure if you saying ' we are going to give it a go' is the right approach.   I can appreciate that you are unhappy here, but I truly feel that both of you need to want to move back to make it work.  
It isn't just the job, don't forget the healthcare aspect of it as well. Going over without a job will mean an individual policy, which can be difficult and expensive to obtain if you have pre-existing conditions.  
 Like someone else said, now isn't the best time to be looking.  Maybe in 6-12 months things will pick up.  
I wish both of you the best of luck.  

If he is that upset at the prospect of moving to the States without a job, I'm not sure if you saying ' we are going to give it a go' is the right approach.   I can appreciate that you are unhappy here, but I truly feel that both of you need to want to move back to make it work.  
It isn't just the job, don't forget the healthcare aspect of it as well. Going over without a job will mean an individual policy, which can be difficult and expensive to obtain if you have pre-existing conditions.  
 Like someone else said, now isn't the best time to be looking.  Maybe in 6-12 months things will pick up.  
I wish both of you the best of luck.  

I completely agree with this. Good point about the heath care aspects, too. There is a lot to consider.

I think you've been given some great advice. I just wanted to add that depending on how old your husband is and how long he's been working his way up the career ladder, giving up his position for a lesser one might be a bit of a blow. It might be unwise to consider giving up a great-paying job when your husband in all likelihood could end up unemployed in the states. I agree with the others that it may be better to wait until the economy picks up, and in the meantime you can keep a lookout for jobs in the states for your husband. If an unbeatable offer comes along, he may be eager to go!

Just to add: if he is in HR, it really may be best to hold off a bit. Companies may not be looking to take on extra HR staff until they have more jobs to offer in general. Many companies still have hiring freezes on at the moment.

Where are you thinking of moving back to or just too?

Can you save for a year or so to have as much money as possible to take with you? What are his hobbies and is there anything in the area that would be a positive for him to get involved with (if say he did not get a job straight away) get all the infor on health care and agencies advertising the type of work he does and the pay ect.

We look at houses every day (sad I know) but to get a feel for them and Boston is not so good on prices as other cities.

Do you have kids? the positives are there is in the area we are looking at far more for them to do clubs boating fishing (sea) sports clubs we can actually get to.

Lol I am talking myself more in to it myself.

Good luck and just be gentle he is possibly having a bit of a crisis about it all its so over whelming even when you do want to upsticks and go.

Chris did when he was first ment to come here it took a couple of months for him to get his head around it all and the flying (he uses a wheelchair) it was a really big move for him.

Where are you thinking of moving back to or just too?

Can you save for a year or so to have as much money as possible to take with you? What are his hobbies and is there anything in the area that would be a positive for him to get involved with (if say he did not get a job straight away) get all the infor on health care and agencies advertising the type of work he does and the pay ect.

We look at houses every day (sad I know) but to get a feel for them and Boston is not so good on prices as other cities.

Do you have kids? the positives are there is in the area we are looking at far more for them to do clubs boating fishing (sea) sports clubs we can actually get to.

As an aside Mass is amazing for kids who want to sail.  It is a big thing in Boston kids can join a sailing club for 1.00. 

The job market here sucks. The total US unemployment rate is almost 10%. Jobs are so competitive right now, it's not even funny.

I've been here since November and have yet to find anything. I can't even get the big retails chains to call me back when I apply - and I have retail experience! I should be teaching at Uni but despite major increases in enrollment, most places have hiring freezes on.

Fortunately, DH has a job. But the pay isn't all that great. We are struggling to keep up. My mother was laid off in December and is also still looking.

The political talk is that things are improving, but that isn't really something you are seeing down at real people level yet, IMO.

I appreciate all of your advice.  What I wish is that I hadn't let myself get to a boiling point.  In other words, I probably should have done this a while ago, but kept getting resistance for the past 3 years. 

We shall see what happens....

We were together over 20 years in the UK and, while I didn't despise being there, I did feel that eventually we should be in the US.  DH agreed in principle but there was his mother (we were both only's) who would not be able to cope on her own.  He did make a few applications but nothing worked out.  When I came back to care for my parents I felt it would be the prod that he needed.  But he kept waiting to get an early retirement offer or a job offer in the US, etc.  By the time that happened it was too late.  There were health issues that made it impossible to give up the NHS.
So, I guess I'm saying that the "gently gently" approach may not work either.

I appreciate all of your advice.  What I wish is that I hadn't let myself get to a boiling point.  In other words, I probably should have done this a while ago, but kept getting resistance for the past 3 years. 

We shall see what happens....

If you've been getting resistance for three years, is it possible that contrary to what your husband is saying, he's not actually willing to move at all?