How to Please Everyone?

Sheesh, Tim and I only announced our engagement on Sunday (and then I left the UK on Monday and Europe on Tues) and we're already dealing with ridiculous crap from our families!

First, there was my mom's reaction to the engagement - yelling at the two of us because we didn't tell her first, and because Tim didn't ask her for permission to marry me...then telling us we were moving "too fast"...and saying all sorts of other horrible things about how she actually expected me to remain unmarried and live with her until she died.  Yeah. I'm not kidding. she even said "your Aunt Janie didn't get married" (my Aunt Janie is now 77).  Yeah, nice.  Whatever. So I really wasn't looking to her for support, but Tim's family was really quite happy for us and Sarah even called me her sister.

Yesterday I got a text from Tim's mum. She was upset that "facebook knew things before she did".  Which isn't true, since everything I mentioned on FB was all tentative and speculation and put up for the benefit of my friends who were bugging me for details. She also sent me a slightly mean message about how she "didn't know his family wasn't being included in this"...and I have NO IDEA where she gets that information. At first I thought she was joking because she knew how upset my mom's reaction made me and she wrote an x at the end of each text (for love/kisses/etc), but I soon realized she was upset and thought we were planning things without including her.  I left her a final text that I wished I had a better way of keeping in touch with her, and recieved no response.

While Tim and I were talking last night, his younger sister started IMing him. We don't know if she was IMing him with his mum in the room or if she was doing it all on her own but she was asking him for details about the visa I need, and seemed to think that November was "too soon" and "didn't [we] want to spend time together relaxing" to plan the wedding. She then suggested that I come over as a visitor for 6 months so we could be together and plan the wedding. Nice idea, but....we can't afford that since that would involve an extra round trip plane ticket.  But, Tim thinks he got her all straightened out.

Then, Mom came home from work and surprised me by handing me a card and gift (my first engagement gift!) Which was her way of apologizing and then she asked about helping with planning.

This morning, Tim talked to his mum and she apologized to him for making me upset, and I think she understands things now, I hope. Apparently she's going to write to me later today, too.

I just don't know how to deal with both families. Tim and I both want to have a private (As in, the two of us and witnesses) vow exchange followed by receptions in both places because we thought this way neither family would get upset with us.  We are looking at November because Tim might have leave left over for work and we really don't want to spend months apart.  Our alternate idea if he doesn't have leave is to bring me over on the fiancee visa, but even if we do that we're still having a private exchange of vows.  *sigh*

How did you deal with family members?

There really isn't ever a way to please everyone. You are better off pleasing yourselves. People get over things after the fact. I mean, my DH's family wasn't thrilled about him coming over to America to get married and they weren't able to come, and so on, but since I have moved here, it's never been mentioned. Just have your wedding the way you want it to be, and if anyone protests, just let them know that it is a wedding for you and Tim, not everyone else.

Ah, now there's a lesson I am still trying to learn! You've got to please yourself not others. 

You guys have known each other for 4+ years, so you are not moving to fast.  It looks like it's a long time coming!  Congratulations.

Shouldn't he be responsible for telling HIS mom before you did?  Besides, so what if facebook may have known before them anyway?  Why should you have to contain your excitement to make sure there was a certain protocol followed anyway?

Dealing with others is so difficult, and I cannot offer very much advice as I am just now starting to find my own "voice" in things-- at 35!!!!  One thing I have found recently is that I lay ground rules.  "This is how it's going to be...Mention ABC and I will XYZ.  This is our decision.  I appreciate your input mom/mil, but we have decided XXXXX."  Worked like a charm on my mother over the weekend 

Do what you need to do to fulfill your life.  Right now all you've got to be concerned with is this marriage/wedding.

Congratulations again!
((((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))))))))

I can't give very good advice since I didn't go through all that BS with my wedding, but Steve gave me some short and sweet advice when I was worried about what people would think of our plans (i.e. courthouse wedding, etc).

Basically, he told me to just try not to care what either family thought of things, and if they got out of sorts over it, they could bugger off. Your wedding isn't for everyone else's benefit, it's for you and Tim and you guys should do what you want to do--if you want a private affair in both countries, so be it. Just let your families know you love and appreciate them, but that you guys have to do what's best for you as a couple, especially with visas and moving hanging over your heads. They're all adults, and they'll have to get over it if it's a huge issue, since both of you are adults as well and have the right to decide just what kind of wedding you want.

I guess it's a little natural for the parents to get a little upset at first, it seems almost like it's just a knee-jerk reaction to the news, and once it sinks in it gets a little easier to deal with. But they also need to be adults about things as well, and hopefully as they get more accustomed to the news, they at least tolerate the way you and Tim are doing things, even if they don't 100% approve. 

There really isn't ever a way to please everyone. You are better off pleasing yourselves. People get over things after the fact. I mean, my DH's family wasn't thrilled about him coming over to America to get married and they weren't able to come, and so on, but since I have moved here, it's never been mentioned. Just have your wedding the way you want it to be, and if anyone protests, just let them know that it is a wedding for you and Tim, not everyone else.

Thanks Jewlz.  The problem is, I think my mom sees this as "her wedding"...last night she actually said to me "well, I don't get a wedding" when she tried to push me into wearing white. When I pointed out to her that she had her wedding 31 years ago, she brushed me off.  but I'm completely with you, julie.bug, and Tammy. It's OUR wedding, and we'll do things the way we want to!

You guys have known each other for 4+ years, so you are not moving to fast.  It looks like it's a long time coming!  Congratulations.

Shouldn't he be responsible for telling HIS mom before you did?  Besides, so what if facebook may have known before them anyway?  Why should you have to contain your excitement to make sure there was a certain protocol followed anyway?

I think my mom felt that since we're LD, we don't get to spend as much time together as an SD couple. Never mind the fact that I visited for 6 months last year and spent every moment he wasn't at work with him.

Yeah, I feel like Tim needs to be the one to tell his parents what the plans are....but there just aren't any plans yet!  Everything I squeed about on FB was all preliminary and "if we can get this sorted"....we literally have nothing planned!  I think she was just taking things out of context.

The problem is, I think my mom sees this as "her wedding"

Is she paying for it? If not, then it's not "her wedding"!!

We're specifically NOT allowing his parents to help out at all so they don't get any say in the ceremony (they're Catholic, we're atheists), reception (I love them, but their tastes are pure tacky), or guest list (specifically so they cannot invite a particularly toxic racist homophobic aunt we refuse to ever see again). It's your wedding, and unless there's some serious financial help going in, I don't see any reason whatsoever for you to do anything you don't want to do.

Another option - can you give her the US reception to keep her busy? We reached the agreement that my parents will pay for our US reception and do all the planning and booking on their end, but we completely trust my parents to do something classy and in keeping with what we like, after we chose the venue ourselves (hahah actually, I'm sure you know it - Lancaster Arts Hotel & John J Jefferies restaurant!). Handing over that would completely rely on whether you trust her to act in your best interests...

Is she paying for it? If not, then it's not "her wedding"!!

Doubtful she'll pay for much.  Maybe my dress or something, but Tim and I are pretty much on our own.

We're specifically NOT allowing his parents to help out at all so they don't get any say in the ceremony (they're Catholic, we're atheists), reception (I love them, but their tastes are pure tacky), or guest list (specifically so they cannot invite a particularly toxic racist homophobic aunt we refuse to ever see again). It's your wedding, and unless there's some serious financial help going in, I don't see any reason whatsoever for you to do anything you don't want to do.

That's why Tim and I decided on a private exchange of vows - he's atheist and I'm pretty much non-religious, but I know my mom would probably like to see me get married in the same church she did (York Presbyterian).  But we did want to have receptions to celebrate with our families.

Another option - can you give her the US reception to keep her busy? We reached the agreement that my parents will pay for our US reception and do all the planning and booking on their end, but we completely trust my parents to do something classy and in keeping with what we like, after we chose the venue ourselves (hahah actually, I'm sure you know it - Lancaster Arts Hotel & John J Jefferies restaurant!). Handing over that would completely rely on whether you trust her to act in your best interests...

Haha, I do know where that is . I think it will depend on the order of things. If we wind up getting married in the UK and then coming to the US on a visit for a reception, then I would probably ask her to plan it.

If you get married in the UK, is your mom going to attend? I know you want to keep it small, so I was curious if she was going to come. I was pretty fortunate that my mom and my MIL really didn't want anything to do with the planning. My mom helped me, but she made no ultimate decisions. I was planning the wedding in the US from England so I probably could have used a bit more help from her, but I should definitely count my blessings that she didn't go crazy. When we planned the food for the reception we picked things that we liked, even though I knew my sister's family wouldn't like some of it. At first I felt bad, but then I figured we're paying for it, so we should like it!

Good luck! It's tricky. My only solution was to open the bar up as soon as possible and get everyone drunk and happy.  That aside, I got GREAT advice from a friend of mine.  She told me just to keep saying: Thank you for your suggestions, I really appreciate it; I'll let you know what I decide. That makes people feel like they are a part of it (they ARE a part of it) but is a nice way to re-direct the conversation.
Again, though, you just can't please everyone.  My mom went NUTS the entire time--but she can't stop talking about how wonderful the wedding was, so it all works out!

(p.s. my dress was brown, my mom is still upset about this, I still love the dress. Ehh, life goes on.)

Moms suck.  Seriously, I love mine but she hasn't spoken to me for months now and isn't responding to my messages, I suspect in part because I've been married for nearly a year and still love my husband.  Like it's my fault that her marriage was unhappy and mine isn't. 

As others have said, you need to do what you want and if someone gets unhappy about your decisions, remind them that it's your day, and tell them politely that you're sorry they're unhappy but that you love them and want them to be part of things and hope they can find a way to share your happiness. 

Moms suck. 

Um, no they don't.  They just want the best for you.  They might not always go about saying or doing it the right way but that is pretty much what they are about. 

Moms suck.  Seriously, I love mine but she hasn't spoken to me for months now and isn't responding to my messages, I suspect in part because I've been married for nearly a year and still love my husband.  Like it's my fault that her marriage was unhappy and mine isn't.

Sadly, I could see my mom doing the same thing to me.  

If you get married in the UK, is your mom going to attend?

I think if we decide to get married in the UK she'd probably come for it.

That aside, I got GREAT advice from a friend of mine.  She told me just to keep saying: Thank you for your suggestions, I really appreciate it; I'll let you know what I decide. That makes people feel like they are a part of it (they ARE a part of it) but is a nice way to re-direct the conversation.
Again, though, you just can't please everyone.  My mom went NUTS the entire time--but she can't stop talking about how wonderful the wedding was, so it all works out!

(p.s. my dress was brown, my mom is still upset about this, I still love the dress. Ehh, life goes on.)

That's pretty good.  It's the diplomatic way of saying Eff off

My dress is going to be purple. Mom thinks it should be white with purple trim, but I want to wear purple, darn it

Um, no they don't.  They just want the best for you.  They might not always go about saying or doing it the right way but that is pretty much what they are about. 

I agree. I wish my mother were still around to nag me and generally make herself annoying! 

As much as your parents can irritate you, just be thankful they're there.

Um, no they don't.  They just want the best for you.  They might not always go about saying or doing it the right way but that is pretty much what they are about. 

Based on some of the stuff I've read on this forum about people's mothers making them miserable about their decisions, I don't think I believe that.  Some people want what's best for themselves, whether they're parents or not.  My mom started off very supportive, but now is giving me the cold-shoulder and the passive-aggressive comments.  I do love her, as I said, and obviously I'm glad she exists, but I still think her behaviour sucks.   

Um, no they don't.  They just want the best for you.  They might not always go about saying or doing it the right way but that is pretty much what they are about. 

I think that is true for most mothers, but when it comes to weddings and things, moms can get pretty selfish. Just remember that as much as you may have envisioned how your wedding day would be, your mom has probably been envisioning it even longer, maybe since you were born, and her vision may differ greatly from yours.  I agree that saying "Thanks, that's a good idea - I'll think it over" is probably better than just putting your foot down, but if push comes to shove, definitely put your foot down. My mom really wanted me to carry my grandmother's handkerchief, and she also wanted me to wear my great-grandmother's hair comb (which wasn't going to work) so I carried the hankie (which came in handy because I did start crying during the ceremony), but told her I couldn't do anything with the hair comb. She was disappointed, but at least one of her little wishes was carried out. So, if you can make it work, and something seems important to her, then just try to compromise where you can.
When it comes down to it, on the actual day, she will just be happy and proud - whether you are wearing a purple dress or a white dress with purple trim.