How long is long enough before you say "I do."

I am so glad I found this web site! I think everyone I know thinks I am crazy for having fallen madly and deeply in love (at first byte) with a man from the U.K.  When I tell people that we fell in love our very first chat (which lasted 8 hours!!! metalcarpals paralyzed!) they think I'm deluded! But have you ever just had that connection? That instinct that this is the one you've spent your whole life dreaming about? My co-workers smile politely and I know their thinking....yeah...sure..he's probably just a perv with a web cam and three asked if I checked his teeth!  My children think it's nice for Mom to have a past time.  I looked at pictures of his home town (Woodbridge) and I literally wept...I felt such a connection...like I had been there before...maybe in a past life? That sounds nuts as I type it...but truly...I cried.  Yesterday was our one week anniversary    We must have logged in at least 30 hours of communication.  Already we have decided to get married...he is coming for a visit in September (my birthday!) and I can hardly wait.  If all goes well I am planning on moving in December to the UK.  Does this sound too fast? Am I too much of a romantic? Any thoughts?

Amy

Hi, Amy. Welcome to UKY - I'm sure you'll find it completely addictive (I know I have) as it's so chok full of really and truly good-hearted people and very good advice!!!

I got goosebumps reading your post because I remember it so well - I met my df online on 19 March, 2002 and it was very much like that - constantly writing emails (I have them all printed out, though they're stored at my mom's house in California now, and it's a VERY big stack!), IM'ing whenever we could find time between work and the time difference, and tons of phone calls. It was so exciting to find that connection - and the distance and my anglophile-ness just added to the romance and the mystery. I remember standing in the hallway of my apartment building in San Francisco, ripping open an envelope with shaking hands, knowing it contained the first picture I'd seen (he didn't have a digital picture or a scanner, so the photos had to be posted) and how happy (and admitedly a tad relieved) that he was so handsome. Sigh. Very fun days - enjoy the heady excitement of it for all it's worth!!! And while my friends and family thought it was "cute" that turned very rapidly to concern when I made up my mind to pursue it by moving over here. But now they LOVE Jamie and are very happy that we managed to find each other. Oh, and I got the "check his teeth" comment too - very rude!!!

However, I'm also a bit of an advocate of living with someone before marriage (especially if you come from different cultures) just to be sure, but I certainly understand that long-distance complicates that. Jamie came to California to visit me three months after we "met," I came here for a week or two at a time three times over the course of the next nine months, he came back to California to meet my family last summer and I came back with him on a student visa. We've lived together for 11 months and we're getting married in October. And I have to say that while he may have stretched the truth about little minor things when we were doing the long-distance thing, I think that meeting online lets you learn more about each other's character much more immediately and intimately and you get closer faster even if you can't see that he leaves his wet towels lying on the bed in the morning or has an apparently life-threatening aversion to doing dishes!  We've had a relatively easy time going from long-distance romance to living together and I think it's because we really got to know each other's "insides" by intense amounts of writing and phoning - probably more (and more intimate) talking than we would have had if we'd met in a more "traditional" way.

Anyway, that was a bit long-winded, but I got on a bit of a roll (must be all the coffee I had this morning!  ) I guess my basic point is enjoy the excitement, and don't ever feel bad about being a romantic, but do be at least somewhat cautious and spend as much time in each other's company as possible before getting married (and week long visits aren't enough IMHO - you still feel like you're on holiday and it's not "for real" because the novelty doesn't really have time to wear off.) And read the threads here about some of the less-than-perfect things about expatriating yourself (the "depression" thread springs to mind) because at the end of the day your honey can't be everything to you and you'll have to really want to be here and be prepared for the huge adjustment involved. My first few months were REALLY hard on us both and most common "fights" we had (not counting recent wedding related tiffs) were about me depending too much on him for absolutely everything. Though you're half-way there by finding this forum!! 

OK, I'll shut up now! 

Did you actually say a week?  One week?  Would you plan to marry someone you'd known in person for a week?  Can you not see yourself that yes that is taking things too fast? 
AnneG is right-have a good serious look around the forum, and don't just read the 'crazy cultural differences' threads.  Type 'homesickness' and 'depression' and 'missing my family' into the search engine.
He may well be the love of your life, but entering into a relationship and moving to a new country is a huge and collosal step.  Think about it, then think about again, and then think some more.   
Good luck, but for heaven's sake, proceed with caution. 

 :\\\'( Wow...that was blunt! I know we certainly have many hurdles - and our time together (2 weeks) in September will be telling - but when I see his face on the webcam, and hear his voice over the speakers, and get hooked up to my voice projector - I can't help but wish I could be rid of all the gadgets and wires - and at least be on the same continent.  I touch my computer screen hoping to feel his face - we sit there gazing at one another for minutes - wishing - ... well maybe no one could ever understand but for me I say Carpe Diem and let the fish and chips fall where they will.
Amy

I know.  I didn't want to be blunt, but you did ask.  You couldn't really expect to get only 'how wonderful' as your response.  Especially from someone who has done it, and can tell you that it isn't easy, even when you're in a strong relationship.  And really, I don't think you'd find a person alive who would say a week is a long time to know someone.   
Plus, having been a moderator on this forum for two years, I've seen alot of the fallout.  People who've moved here barely knowing someone or got married because it seemed to be the only option-only to find out that it wasn't what they expected. 
I'm not denying that you're in love, and I'm not saying it'll never work.  I'm just saying try to know a little more of what you're getting yourself into. 

I know....thanks! His visit in September will log in 2 months...and Christmas break will give us 6 months...still not long enough you think? I am petrified to fly...so I can't invision myself making the trip just for fun.  I read the posts about depression that you mentioned..and honestly..I feel like what he has to offer me and the children is a dream come true.  I hate to drive - so not driving for reasons other than neurosis is a blessing! And the thought of staying at home to be Wife and Mom and Artist ....sounds too good to be true...versus being a single mother who works full time and goes to school full time.  Oh Lord...maybe I am just too much of a romantic - picturing myself and my children in a thatched cottage in England with a garden full of roses - outdoors with my easel - like something out of a Manet painting sounds heavenly - especially with a man who adores me for who I am - and unlike most American men could care less about how much money I make or what my career goals are!  He's 34 and a dream boat - I am 45 and feel blessed to feel this way..at this stage in my life.  Well...I am going on and on ad nauseum...you have a point...a valid point...and I thank you.

Peace,
Amy

Well, it's too windy outside to be in the garden, Jamie's out, my friends are all doing other things, and so for better or for worse I'm relaxing with the computer today. So here goes.... 

I don't think anyone means to be harsh - just the opposite, I think we're all really just looking out for one another. And Mindy really makes a good point - that he very well MAY be the proverbial "one"  but that doesn't mean that you should take a move of this magnitude lightly (even though I'm sure it doesn't seem like you're taking anything even remotely lightly). I have to repeat: he can't be everything to you once you're here.

I thought coming over would be a cake walk to be honest. I was totally convinced of it. I'd always been an anglophile - I'd traveled over here quite a bit before, had a few friends already in place, got into a university that I was really excited about, and most of all - I had Jamie waiting for me. But it ain't all roses and NOTHING as big as moving countries can be that simple. Leaving behind EVERYTHING from your friends to your family to your career (it's hard, if not impossible, to slip right back onto the career ladder on the same rung and the pay is MUCH lower in my experience) to a good portion of your belongings takes a toll even if you think it won't. And at first you do also give up a good measure of your independence (and that's something I would have SWORN would never happen to me - I was the most independent person I'd ever known!) whether it's because you don't have a car, or a job, or you haven't found any close friends (which to be honest took me about 8 months), or just because you don't know if washing tablets are the same as washing powder or something as silly as that.

I'm NOT being a nay-sayer - I'm all for adventures in life and following your heart and have done so myself on many occaisions. But I think Mindy and I are just saying be careful and take your time. If he's "the one" right now, he's still going to be "the one" a year from now. And yes the distance is hard to deal with - torturous in fact - but for me it's been well worth taking the time to be absolutely certain that this is what I wanted and that Jamie and I really were compatible enough to be together in the "real world" and that I could overcome the very real difficulties of starting life from scratch in a totally alien environment (because no matter how much you relate to the music or the sport or the humor or the lifestyle or whatever it is that is appealing about England, it is well and truly a different country/culture.) It sounds romantic and appealing to be given the chance to "start over" but it's a long and very bumpy haul and you really have to be sure it's something you're up for because YOU want it, not solely because you want to be with someone.

It will have taken 2 years and 7 months from the month we met to the month that we'll be married, but as hard as it has been at times, I'm very glad we did it that way. I have NO regrets about being here and now love it so much that I can't imagine leaving, but I do quite honestly wish that I'd found this forum sooner so I would have been a bit more prepared for how hard the actual process of aclimating was going to be.

I would never presume to define for anyone that "perfect" length of time before saying "I do".  Only you and he can decide that.

However, that being said, packing up and moving to another country, especially with kids, is as Mindy said -- a major, major change.  You are basically giving up all you've ever known and jumping into the unknown.  For some it can be an amazing life change, for others it's been a nightmare (the cultural adjustments, depression, the missing of family, etc).  All the more reason to be as positive as you can be that this person is the right one for you.

I also met my husband online so I can understand what you are going through; however, for us the connection wasn't instant.  It took us a little longer to realise that we were right for each other.

He asked me to marry him right around Christmas time.  After I said yes, it took about two weeks before I finally realised all that it would entail to marry him and move to England.  The visas, the movers, the flights, the wedding, legal wrangling with my child's father over taking him out of the country, the difference in school systems, etc.  But do you know what finally made me realise just what I was giving up?  I sat in my living room, looking at my artificial Christmas tree, knowing that I couldn't take it with me and just burst into tears (and I'm not a weepy person!).  I know it sounds stupid to cry over an artificial tree and the loss of the tree certainly didn't change my mind, but it's the little things like this that can make moves very heart-wrenching.  Again, all the more reason to be as positive as you can be that this person is the right one for you.

My best advice to you is to spend as much time with him in person as you possibly can.  See how he interacts with your children.  Try to make at least one trip to the UK and whilst you are here, don't do the touristy thing.  Instead, do the every-day-life thing.  Go grocery shopping, learn to get about on your own or on public transport, cook meals, visit schools, watch the news -- prepare yourself for the business of normal life.  This is the one thing I didn't do and one reason why I feel I was so ill-prepared for the differences between our countries.

Above all, read as much of this forum as you can.  Whilst your future husband can tell you the differences between the UK and the US, actually reading how those differences have affected expats can be a real eye-opener and will help to prepare you for your new life.  I certainly wish I had found a place like this six years ago because it would have made me better able to cope with the adjustments.

Good luck and welcome to UKY.

Hi Amy

I met my husband online too, almost 2 years ago, he proposed to me after about 4 months, after he had been here once and I was on my first trip there.  My advice would be proceed with caution. There are lots of us on here who have ended up happily with our online love but there must be zillions more out there which have ended in tears. You have only known this guy for a week. Having said that I knew from the first email I was going to marry my husband but there you go, I am a great one for not taking my own advice!

I really hope it all works out for you, I really do, I am just saying take your time, don't get so bowled over by the romanticism that all common sense flies out of the window. Yes it might sound lovely to move to the UK and be a stay at home wife/mother/artist but what if it doesn't turn out that way? what if you get here and hate his home town? what if you get here and he gets made redundant and you have to go and work in some dreary shop or office?

Good luck with everything and please ask anything you want to know and stay in touch.

Liz

...but when I see his face on the webcam, and hear his voice over the speakers, and get hooked up to my voice projector - I can't help but wish I could be rid of all the gadgets and wires...

Not wishing to disturb the momentum of this thread, but interested to know which software you are using?

Back to Earth!    We are chatting via Yahoo Messenger which allows WebCam and Voice Communication.  Thank you guys for all your advice...I love hearing your stories...I am a newbie at this UK/USA connection...and few I tell about my limey can relate! I tell people he's from U.K. and they say the University of Kentucky?!! LOL.
Peace,
Amy

Oh Lord...maybe I am just too much of a romantic - picturing myself and my children in a thatched cottage in England with a garden full of roses - outdoors with my easel - like something out of a Manet painting sounds heavenly

Oh, girl.  I thought it'd be like that, too...but it's NOT!  England isn't what we see on television in America.  Thatched roof cottages were running in yesterday's paper for £300,000 - £600,000.  The days warm, rainy, and windless enough for sitting outside in the garden painting have been few and far between this summer.  And the cost of arts & crafts supplies is absolutely ridiculous!

I met my husband online five years ago and I went through exactly what you're going through now.  I know what it feels like to hear the little beep when he comes online.  I know what it's like to stroke a computer screen.  I know what it's like to NOT resent $600 phone bills on a teacher's salary.   

Now I know what it's like to stand at a bus stop in the cold, rainy, frozen darkness at 3 p.m. in the middle of December.  I know what it's like to cry myself to sleep every night for two months because I miss my family terribly.  I know what it's like to suspect my brand new husband of cheating on me because I've gotten so paranoid from being cooped up in a little apartment all winter without a job or human contact other than Judge Judy.  I know what it's like to work so hard to make new friends and feel rejected at every turn.

Don't get me wrong..I love my husband to bits and I genuinely love living in England.  But it's taken 9 months, a move to Newcastle, finally getting a little job, endless compromise, and a general "put up and shut up" from me.  I had been to England before, but I was here as a visitor.  I never saw it as a place to live.  For the four years my husband and I did the long-distance thing, I saw England as we see it on TV.  I saw myself shopping daily for fresh veggies in the local markets and wearing Laura Ashley ensembles.  I would be living one big episode of Antiques Roadshow!   

Reality is going to hit you hard and fast when you arrive here (especially if you arrive here in the dead of winter!).  I've got to agree with the other ladies and really encourage you to spend as much time here as possible before you make a permanent move.  And spend time getting to know your boyfriend.  I thought I knew my husband before I moved over but now I realize I only knew about 75% of him...daily life taught me so much (and fortunately, most of it's good stuff!).

I like to believe in fate and one-in-a-million chances and "the one" and true love, but that's stuff that you only get once you've been together for a while.  Don't get caught up in the romance of being in love with a Brit.  This is the time when you have to be focused, cautious, and realistic...even though those are the last things you want to be right now...I know!

I'm not saying it won't work out for you.  I hope it does.  But you have to give yourselves the chance to make it work.  Good luck!   

   

Welcome Amy. I am currently here in the US and have a honey in the UK. We've been together for two years...back and forth across the ocean. It has been horribly TOUGH and sometimes I just can't stand it, but we've made it this far and after both going through marriages in the past, I know we have what it takes to work and enjoy life together.  I also met him online (chatting on a science forum...how interesting!) and instantly we felt a connection that we KNEW eachother. (We thought soul mates right off...which doesn't necessarily mean it had to be a romantic relationship, but of course it turned out that way, very happily!) It was really was miraculous how the universe brought us to the point of juncture.

You mentioned having children. How old are they? Will they be moving too? I also have children...five! Three teenagers and four year-old twins. It has been hard balancing their needs and my own. I never thought I would leave children that young before, as I never did with my older three, and that has been a burden on my conscience whenever I have left them to visit over there by myself. The last visit I had in the UK (End of May/beginning of June) my 17 year old had an emergency apendectomy. I was so torn! And it showed me what it may be like in the future with some kids on this side of the ocean and not right with me. (I have always been a full-time mom with my kids.) The twins have stayed with him in the UK for a month and all three of us are going back Sept. 6 until mid December. We're also getting married...just many particulars to iron out with the visa requirements, my older children's wants and needs (and their father's!) Sometimes it is so confusing...and we want to do what is right and feasible with moving here or there etc., since we have more than just the two of us to consider.

You have definitely found the right spot for help and support during this VERY stressful process! Just remember...everyone here has gone through something similar. Good luck to the both of you!

Hey lolabola...we're in Newcastle too (or when I'm there I am!) Are you in geordieland or another Newcastle?

Hey lolabola...we're in Newcastle too (or when I'm there I am!) Are you in geordieland or another Newcastle?

Why aye, I'm in Geordieland, pet!    

I just narrowly missed meeting you the last time you were here...MFredericka invited us along to meet you, but DH and I had plans that night.  When will you be back over?  We should meet up!