How long is long enough before you say "I do."

I actually have a pair of feet duvet!  They're like slippers.  I bought them in Chicago a couple of years ago, but can't remember the name of the store.  (Pebbles, it was a store in Oak Brook.  Eddie Bauer-like... )

They really keep my feet warm and snuggly.

But how can she know it's the right guy after two weeks and having not met him nor been to his country?  I'm all for the hearts and flowers and romance of it all, but really...two weeks, sight (and touch and sound and smell, etc.) unseen?  Put me down as a skeptic on that one!   

Sometimes you just know! I knew after 1 email and don't ask me how, cause he sent me the email by mistake, it was meant for someone else and all it said was how's it going type thing.

Having said that I was very cautious about meetimg him in person. He came over to London and we met in a public place and I told about 6 friends where I would be and left all his details, including his home address etc  and a picture of him with my flatmate, just in case my instincts were wrong and he was an axe wielding gun toting psycho. I would recommend anyone else to be careful too for your own safety, no matter how certain you may be in your own heart and mind, because you just never know.

And ditto what everyone else has said about upping and moving over here, especially if you are bringing children.

Good luck!

 

I think what truly matters here is the kids.  Remember you have others to think about before yourself.  If you were single then perhaps it would be fine to fly into the wind - you, as an adult, could recover if it didn't work out.  But kids are different.  They can't recover from change as quickly (even though it seems as if they can).  They need to adjust to the idea in several ways - not only are you going to be in a relationship, but you are also asking them to move to a new culture, country, away from family & friends.  That's a shiteload to deal with as a youngster.  And if it doesn't work out after a few months or a year (or even a few days which has happened), then you have to head back and the kids have to deal with that...wondering what they've done to deserve all of this.  So...I think for their sake some caution needs to happen.  As someone who is a school counselor, I've seen how impulsive acts by parents screw up their kids in some seriously bad ways as they grow up.  And I doubt you'd want to do anything harmful to them.

How do you truly know that this guy is not abusive?  You can't tell from phone calls.  It's not possible.  How do you know that he's going to be good to your kids and that they'll get on?  You can't from just phone calls.  And what is the point of rushing?  If this is truly something worthy, then the guy will be willing to take some time to get to know both you & the children he'd be taking on.  Be fair to yourself, the man and especially to your kids.  Take time.  It's nothing that will hurt you & only can help you...love will be love if it truly is be it December of this year or later.

It's one thing to get used to being with someone new.  It's a whole different ballgame when you're also getting used to a new country.  Even reading other people's experiences on this forum can't prepare you adequately, because what seems impossible to reconcile for one person is the easiest thing to adapt to for another.

Give it time.  If he's "the one" he will be the one now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

I know.  Because I first found mine in March of 1985 in the penpal section of Smash Hits magazine.  And it took us until 2001 to figure out it was real and workable...not easy, but workable.  He was the one in the beginning, and through all the Hell of a life we both lived in the meantime, we were still each other's one when the time was right.

I'll add that I'm a mother of 2 boys from different relationships - I had never been married before now, either.  The way my husband and the kids get on, only reinforces my belief that he is "the one" for them, too.  And at the end of the day, that was even more important.   

Marriage was supposed to be for life - but if anything a move such as this is more permanent in this day and age. 

Exactly.  I say go for it if you have the means and the ways (and assuming he is up for it as well). Anyone can get married. Not everyone can survive a complete life and culture change. If it was easy, they wouldn't have a website like this would they?

I knew after two weeks that I wanted to move here and be with my guy. And I did. And it is good. We'd known each other through the net for almost two years before meeting, but it doesn't count because we were never courting each other, we were just slowly getting to know each other.  We are getting married 5 1/2 months after meeting. Too fast? Maybe. Are we bothered? No.

The move is hard and gets harder everyday. But the reward is waiting for you when you get home from work with a big smile on his face and a bottle of Newkie Brown. It's worth it in the long run.

I think what truly matters here is the kids.

I think this point is important enough to "repeat."

Of course, the gamut of good replies has already been run here, and there is not much new that I can add, except this... you talk of being a romantic, but who ever said romance has to be whirlwind?  I have found there's nothing more romantic than gradually falling deeper and deeper and deeper in love.  When you've already been together 3 years, doing the long distance thing monotonously, thinking you're as in love as you can get, and then realizing you were wrong.

To me, that's romance.  That's the exciting part.  Slow can be romantic.  Somehow, working (very) hard at your relationship when you're head's gone a bit funny from being unemployed and cooped up in the house for too long (I know it sounds innocent, but believe me, if you're not careful you will start behaving very strangely indeed) becomes the most romantic thing in the world with the right person.

So picture this.  Strip away the thatched cottage for a second, and the sunshine, and the garden full of roses.  Strip away the *novelty* for a second--imagine those big black taxi cabs are nothing but plain yellow cabs on the street.  Imagine that your kids are having a hard time adjusting, that you can't find any of the food you want in the store because it's called something different or no one eats it over there, that your easel is sitting in a corner where it's been for months because it's too rainy to take it outside and you just haven't felt inspired.  Is it still romantic? 

If so, I think you've got your answer right there.  And you've got a whole slew of interested and caring people here waiting to hear about what happens--for better or worse. 

BTW, just for reference, my "bloke" and i have been together for 3 1/2 years, it will be a total of 4 years, 2 months when we get married.  We met the "normal" way while I was studying abroad over there for 6 months, and except for another 6 month stint last year (a VERY good idea) the rest has been long distance and 1-week (sometimes less) visits.

All the best.

 When you've already been together 3 years, doing the long distance thing monotonously, thinking you're as in love as you can get, and then realizing you were wrong....

Amen, sister!  Now THAT is what I call romance!   

Just my 2p on this having done this. Met my husband on line. We chatted for 4 months before actually meeting. Then he came for 9 days to California. I think that talking gives you so much info about someone. Esp. over time. You really dont know until you meet face to face. That is really telling. Up to that point there is still a bit of fantasy about the whole thing.  After we met face to face we really knew it was right, but I still came over to England and spent 4 months here to make sure. I needed to know his daughter, and make sure I would like it here. We both wanted to make sure it would be a life style I could live with. We got engaged 8 months after meeting on line. Then got married 8 months after that.
My advice is to go slow and enjoy every step of the way. It is really easy to get caught up with the whole fantasy of it, but the reality is much more. Not all American kids are treated well, it just depends. With everything that is the same here, it really is a different culture and I have talked to other Americans who have been miserable. But, with that said, you can also love it and really have a nice life here.  Its a MAJOR life change. It costs a fortune to get here, and a fortune to go back. Its well worth it if its the right move, but if its not....
Good luck and enjoy.
Kelli

Can I be very blunt and say that 30 hours on webcam and such does NOT prepare you for sharing a bathroom with this man...watching him eat, listening to whether/how he snores, what he looks like FIRST THING in the morning.  You've been married - so remember all the day-to-day things and bits and pieces that go into living with someone else.

And that someone else living with your kids.  I cannot stress that enough.  When you become a parent, the children become the most important thing.  I decided to bring mine into the world - they didn't ask to be here.  So it was my responsibility to make sure they were happy.  Of course, the fact that I am happy affects them as well.

well said Emily. especially about the snoring! 

Peedal always puts it the way I'm thinking it

I remember the good ole days of webcamming with Frank. We could see each other but of course you cant see every detail for example how TALL they are. When I first started chatting with Frank on the cam he seemed like a nice guy with blond hair. I dont care much for blond haired men but its OK. He was just a nice guy and someone to chat to. After a few months when our time together actually turned into a relationship we decided we wanted to meet. It was about three months from the day of our first chat when we met in person. I got dressed up in a black dress and high heels and was 15 min late picking him up from the airport. He was the only one left waiting at the terminal. I looked at this guy who was sitting on a bench. The first thing that struck me was his very very short....very VERY GREY hair! It really looked blond on the cam! And when I went up to him he stood up and he came up to about my eyebrows! Oh dear! Maybe I should have left the heels at home. Never the less he was still the guy I fell for on the net but he looked entirely different. In fact I didnt even believe he was only 34. I snuck a peek (OK I snooped) at his passport when he was in the bathroom. I thought he had to be about 50. lol  Anyway it didnt change anything. He was still the great guy I fell for a few months earlier but I must admit I was shocked!
Now were married 3.5 years and still in love   He's my prince. We have two young sons together. Something about England seems to make me very fertile! lol   
Anyway best of luck
Pebs

Wow - you guys are the best - let me just make a few comments - my children do come first - that's a given - I am a great Mom so I would never do anything that would jeopardize their happiness or well being.  My sweetheart and I had our first tif online (I was being a drama queen)- he was very abrupt and curt.  I must say it was an eye opening experience - it was one thing to feel crushed in my own home - and it would be another thing to feel crushed not even on my own continent!! Well we did patch things up and he has more than made up for his one discourteous night - but could I risk "that feeling" on foreign soil - I don't think so.  I pray maybe if everything works out - he will consider moving here - but for now I am just going to enjoy our relationship and try not to plan everything out ad nauseum.  Still madly in love with my Englishman,

Peace from the U.S.

but for now I am just going to enjoy our relationship and try not to plan everything out ad nauseum. 

Excellent idea!