Stupid questions

And that's me well and truly out of this conversation....

Sorry AnneR, I had to laugh when I read the words below your avitar. 

It's hard init?

Sorry AnneR, I had to laugh when I read the words below your avitar. 

It's hard init?

Nearly impossible, Bob, nearly impossible. 

I'm on my phone so my complete response will have to wait but I will say that I think this is just a fundamental difference in personality that will never be resolved.  I don't chat with people in supermarkets.  This doesn't make me a bad person or a rude person, just a person who doesn't chat to people in supermarkets.  I don't start conversations and if people speak to me I reply politely but don't encourage them.  All of you who enjoy supermarket chat please understand that not everyone is like you.  I won't judge if you won't.

I'm on my phone so my complete response will have to wait but I will say that I think this is just a fundamental difference in personality that will never be resolved.  I don't chat with people in supermarkets.  This doesn't make me a bad person or a rude person, just a person who doesn't chat to people in supermarkets.  I don't start conversations and if people speak to me I reply politely but don't encourage them.  All of you who enjoy supermarket chat please understand that not everyone is like you.  I won't judge if you won't.

FWIW, I've never started a supermarket conversation in my life. I've been forced into them in the US, but here I've only engaged in the "oh yes, my isn't it dark early" variety of conversation because the clerk has started it and I don't think it's polite to at least say something.... People in the recent past who have asked me this question (where are you from) have included my dentist, my new neighbours, a new temp at work, and some GPs I was having an informal interview with. Trust me, I don't like to have long conversations with strangers who I'm unlikely to see again and don't have a desire to perhaps explore friendships with. But I also don't mind saying "California".

ETA: maybe it's the difference in definition of a conversation. To me, "where are you from?", "how about this weather?" "did you have a nice weekend?" doesn't constitute conversation. It's polite space filler - a means of making a human connection with someone, particularly if you're doing something potentially quite dull like checking out groceries. In my mind chit chat can be soul destroying in some circumstances, like a cocktail party, but it can also be just... kind.

Historyenne, can I point out just an outside observation as someone who is very familiar with French culture? It struck me today that you are very "French" in not speaking with random strangers! I'm always telling my students that the whole myth that French people are rude stems from the fact that they tend to "mind their own business" in terms of not being that chatty with strangers.

Just an observation from a fellow francophile/francophone.

Historyenne, can I point out just an outside observation as someone who is very familiar with French culture? It struck me today that you are very "French" in not speaking with random strangers! I'm always telling my students that the whole myth that French people are rude stems from the fact that they tend to "mind their own business" in terms of not being that chatty with strangers.

I saw something on 60 Minutes, I think, about how Danish people are the happiest in the world, partly because they don't feel the need to make mindless chit chat with people. Interesting. I like chatting with people, but I don't get out much, so it's nice to have those little social interactions sometimes. Even though I certainly get plenty of interaction here on the forum. 

I have to admit that I may occasionally be one of those cashiers who might ask where an American is from, but when/if I do, it's only if I've been having a conversation with them already (i.e. discussing the UK equivalent of a US medicine) and it's also because I am genuinely curious, having lived in the US twice, having relatives in the US and also having visited 20 states so far.

It's not just Americans I talk to either... I often find myself asking fellow Brits whereabouts they are going on holiday when they are asking me about travel products, and just the other day I heard a (British) customer asking about altitude sickness because he was going to South America and I couldn't help asking him where he was going and how he'd arranged his trip... because I am in the middle of trying to organise a 2-month trip to South America and am trying to find out as much info as possible about how to go about it . I was also talking to a lady the other week about malaria tablets and she mentioned her daughter was going to Africa to volunteer - I said that I was planning to travel soon and she gave me some info about her daughter's trip. Turned out she left her glasses at the till when she'd finished and when she came back later to pick them up, she brought me the phone number and website of the company her daughter was going to Africa with!

If I ask about where an American/Canadian is from, it is only out of curiosity (I wonder if they might be from somewhere I've been or lived) and I only ask if I feel that they will be receptive. For example, I don't ask the American man who comes in occasionally with his English-accented kids, because I can tell that he has lived here for a long time, or someone who seems rushed/unwilling to talk, but I might ask someone who is having trouble with English money, who asks if they can buy a certain US medicine in the UK or who mentions something about America while I'm serving them.

Recently, I met a Member of European Parliament at work and he asked me "What brings you to the UK?" and I told him I married a local. He said, "So did my wife - she's from Pittsburgh." And then we had a great conversation. You never know what someone might say once you answer those questions, or what kind of conversation it might lead to.

I've had a few really interesting conversations with customers - one couple had strong southern US accents and so I asked where they were from (because my aunt lives in the south) - at first they were a bit funny about the question, but when I elaborated that I had family in Arkansas and had spent a lot of time there, they relaxed and we had a great conversation (turned out they lived in the same town as my aunt and the husband even worked in the same building as her occasionally!).

Another time, I discovered that my customer's father lived in the same US city that I used to live in and another lady was married to a Brit, but living in New York and was about to get on a plane back to the US. Sometimes I find American customers very happy to talk with me... I think I spent almost 10 minutes talking to one lady from Alabama about the difference between US and UK law degrees!

Gottagettolondon: You're absolutely right!  Lack of small talk is one of my favourite things about the French.

AnneR: I doubt we will ever agree on this, but I will attempt to explain how I feel.  First, on the subject of small talk topics--I agree that "how about the weather" and "did you have a nice weekend" are harmless space-fillers, and can be answered in a word or two.  I guess even "where are you from" wouldn't bother me too much if I could just say "the US" and have that be the end of it.  But the questions that follow "what part of the US" "why did you come here" "how are you adjusting" "do you like it here" etc go far beyond chit chat and are actually kind of personal and can have complicated answers.  For example, I was born in New Mexico, grew up in Wisconsin but haven't lived there for ten years, lived in New York, lived in California.  My dad lives in WI, my mom in CA.  CA is my favourite state and where I felt the most at home, but I only lived there three years.  So where am I from?  If I say CA, then they ask why on earth I would want to leave, and if I say WI then they don't have a clue where that is and I have to explain.  The truth is, I have strong ties to both places, but I really don't want to get into that much detail with strangers. The weather and the weekend aren't nearly so fraught. 

Second, about the "thinking before you ask" issue.  Try looking at it this way: people think they are being friendly by asking questions, and that they are "just curious" so it's OK.  But there are lots of things people might be curious about that aren't appropriate for discussion ("What IS that thing growing out of your head?  Just curious."  I know, extreme example, but still).  And as to being friendly, what is that, really?  If you ask a question of someone without wondering whether it's an obvious question or one they're likely to have been asked twenty times already that day, then you're putting them in the position of either replying with their honest feelings and possibly being considered rude, or of repeating the same polite exchange for the twenty-first time.  So it might actually be friendlier not to ask, or to bring the subject around in a different way.  It doesn't seem like it could hurt anything just to wonder how a question might make someone feel before asking it.   

AyouBob: If you really want to know the best way to start a conversation with me in a shop, then I have to refer you to the questions I listed in the post of mine that you quoted in yours.  If you jumped right in with "Where are you from?" then I would just fob you off with the quickest answer I could and make my escape, because I wouldn't think that a conversation begun in such a manner could lead to anything interesting.  But if you came up to me and said "So, do you like ice cream?" or "I always wanted to be an astronaut.  What did YOU want to be when you were a kid?" then you would catch my attention and I would think that you were unconventional and likely to have more things to say that I would want to hear.  I would laugh and reply and probably ask you something in return.  That's just my minority opinion, though.  Seems like you'd be safe enough with the ol' "Where you from" with most people.   

But could I really go up and say Hi I’m Bob. What’s your name? What do you do for a living? That’s a bit forward.

I refuse to play into the British "sorry, I'm British and Im reserved" song and dance, mostly because from what I've witnessed it's a pick and choose game.

"Hi, Im your upstairs neighbor.  I know I've not introduced myself even in passing in the hallway for the last 1.5 years, but would it be ok for me to have some scaffolding guys run scaffolding through your living room? Would that be alright? would you mind taking a day off work for it as well? thaaaannnkkkkssssss"

Or how about the fact I happen to know the woman in the next building likes to be spanked and tends to have sex quite loudly at 1am with the windows open?  Sorry, but your first name isn't off base when I know, and indeed the whole block knows, what your thing is in bed!

 

I saw something on 60 Minutes, I think, about how Danish people are the happiest in the world, partly because they don't feel the need to make mindless chit chat with people. Interesting. I like chatting with people, but I don't get out much, so it's nice to have those little social interactions sometimes. Even though I certainly get plenty of interaction here on the forum. 

The Danish are quite an amazingly friendly bunch... I myself tend to be VERY happy when visiting 

I refuse to play into the British "sorry, I'm British and Im reserved" song and dance, mostly because from what I've witnessed it's a pick and choose game.

"Hi, Im your upstairs neighbor.  I know I've not introduced myself even in passing in the hallway for the last 1.5 years, but would it be ok for me to have some scaffolding guys run scaffolding through your living room? Would that be alright? would you mind taking a day off work for it as well? thaaaannnkkkkssssss"

Or how about the fact I happen to know the woman in the next building likes to be spanked and tends to have sex quite loudly at 1am with the windows open?  Sorry, but your first name isn't off base when I know, and indeed the whole block knows, what your thing is in bed!

 

It must be late as that went right over my head…

I am half American and half Scottish and the Scots don't follow the English reserve stereo type. Dare say nor do the Geordies or Scousers. But for me as a man to walk up to a woman in a shop and out of the blue ask her name is a bit much. If someone did that to me, I'd be kind hey why you asking my name, we haven't even spoke yet. Or has Historyrenne suggested Hi I always wanted to be an astronaut. Eh? I’d swear that person was a head case, unless of course I was in a shop at Cape Kennedy. That’s not British reserve that’s just me as someone who has no problems starting conversations. I was just asking how people who dislike being asked would like to be brought into a conversation. I tend to start conversations by other means but not like the way suggested.

Historyenne - I too have an extremely long answer to where am I from. Born in England, Scottish father, American mother, moved to Selma AL, then back to England, then to Long Beach, MS, then to OK, then to Gulfport, then Biloxi, then Germany, the MS then Chicago then Scotland , oh yea fit in St Louis and Orlando somewhere, I forgot. Standard answer is from along the Gulf Coast bout an hour east of New Orleans. How bout you? Oh really? Quick & easy.

Yea it can be a nuisance at times. It’s just one of those things that life throws at ya. But it doesn’t really bother me too much because I like to talk. A lot. And I do.

...then to Gulfport, then Biloxi...

I lived there while stationed at Kessler AFB   

It must be late as that went right over my head…

I am half American and half Scottish and the Scots don't follow the English reserve stereo type. Dare say nor do the Geordies or Scousers. But for me as a man to walk up to a woman in a shop and out of the blue ask her name is a bit much. If someone did that to me, I'd be kind hey why you asking my name, we haven't even spoke yet. Or has Historyrenne suggested Hi I always wanted to be an astronaut. Eh? I’d swear that person was a head case, unless of course I was in a shop at Cape Kennedy. That’s not British reserve that’s just me as someone who has no problems starting conversations. I was just asking how people who dislike being asked would like to be brought into a conversation. I tend to start conversations by other means but not like the way suggested.

Historyenne - I too have an extremely long answer to where am I from. Born in England, Scottish father, American mother, moved to Selma AL, then back to England, then to Long Beach, MS, then to OK, then to Gulfport, then Biloxi, then Germany, the MS then Chicago then Scotland , oh yea fit in St Louis and Orlando somewhere, I forgot. Standard answer is from along the Gulf Coast bout an hour east of New Orleans. How bout you? Oh really? Quick & easy.

Yea it can be a nuisance at times. It’s just one of those things that life throws at ya. But it doesn’t really bother me too much because I like to talk. A lot. And I do.

I think you make some good points Historyenne but  I have to agree with Bob here, if someone came up to me in a store and asked me any of those questions, I would think they are a bit of a nutter, and I'd smile politely and say "I'm very sorry, but I'm in a hurry right now" and hopefully that person would back off and leave me be.

That approach also seems to work if someone ask you "where you're from?" now you'd think that being a brit that wouldn't happen to me much, but I've been spending a lot of time in Liverpool where my southern vowels are a dead giveaway.
I'm from "all over" but right now I live in London, so that's my reply, if I'm not wanting a conversation I very politely tell them that.
"I'm from London thanks for asking - and I'm sorry but I'm just concentrating on these marrow fat peas, have a good afternoon!"
Then I wander off, meaningful human interaction averted!

Honestly, I do see both sides of the coin here, and think this may one which comes down to personal opinion and is an argument that can't be "won" as such.

if someone came up to me in a store and asked me any of those questions, I would think they are a bit of a nutter,

Yeah, me too.

Honestly, I do see both sides of the coin here, and think this may one which comes down to personal opinion and is an argument that can't be "won" as such.

Agreed, but as I said before I don't enjoy small talk, so while the strategy of asking a stranger where they're from to start a conversation may work with most people, when someone does that to me I just think they're the same as everyone else and there's nothing there to hold my interest.  If you ask me an interesting question, I might talk to you.  But that's clearly just me, and I'm clearly the tiny minority, so the rest of you just go on your merry nattering way and I'll go my quiet one.  Frankly, I'm tired of defending in a thread I didn't even start.  

Oh, and as for the "nutter" comments, it's all in the way you ask.  But seriously, does EVERYONE have to be exactly the same?  If you're the slightest bit unconventional, you're a nutter?  No wonder people think "Where are you from" is a brilliant conversational gambit.