I don't know how to get married, can you tell me what to do?

Hi everybody.  I LOVE this forum.  I have been trying to do as much research as I can and need to do alot more obviously.

I live in Jersey, USA and my UK boyfriend and I are talking about us being together.  He is coming to meet me in December.  Then he will go back to the UK and come back here to the States in April for a week or so.  Then, he is insisting I come visit London.


Then after I return to the states, he will schedule a last trip here where we will get married here in the USA, New Jersey.  I am planning on being married here in the states so I can apply for my Spousal visa afterwords.

I have a question.... How do I get married?  lol...

But really, We just want to get married by a judge and get a legal marriage certaificate so then I can go apply for a Spouse visa after we are legally married so I can move to the UK with him.

Does the state of New Jersey let you marry a UK citizen?  Where can I find info on how to get married and who to call to arrange appointments when the time comes? how to find out what i need to get married? How much, ect... for new jersey.

Also we do not want to get married in a token white dress or jeans.  can we wear anything we want in a courthouse where we are to be married?  We want to wear leather and PVC... Can we wear whatever we want in a courthouse in front of a judge that is marring us?

I would suggest you meet face to face before you start planning what to wear in your wedding.

Here is the link for directions on applying for a NJ marriage license: http://www.state.nj.us/health/vital/marriage_apply.shtml.

You and your groom go to your Local Registrar (located in your municipal/township hall) with proper ID and apply for a marriage license. You'll need the name of the official who will marry you (minister, judge, etc.). After a 72-hour waiting period (business days, not calendar days), you'll receive your marriage license. Then, you get married.

Yes, you can marry a UK citizen in NJ. I don't know if you can wear whatever you want to a courthouse if you're going to have a judge marry you.

Also we do not want to get married in a token white dress or jeans.  can we wear anything we want in a courthouse where we are to be married?  We want to wear leather and PVC... Can we wear whatever we want in a courthouse in front of a judge that is marring us?

Not positive on this but I highly doubt a court official would appreciate leather and PVC.  Where I got married, you were required to wear "court attire" (at a minimum) because you are getting married in the court.  You wouldn't even be able to get through security to get in the building wearing anything that wasn't appropriate for court.

After reading your other posts, I have to add a few things.  First, you REALLY need to spend some time together before you decide to get married.  You've known each other a month online and while that may feel like a long time in the artificial world of online relationships, it's not. 

You need to visit the UK more than once before you decide if you like living there.  You have never even left the US.  Making a huge move to another country is a major step in any relationship, even when you have met. 

You said in your other posts that you have loads of debt and are on welfare.  You will face difficulty coming to the UK as a visitor without demonstrating significant ties to the US.  You will most likely be bounced at the airport if you can't show you have a job or a reason to come back to the States.  How will you pay for airline tickets?  How will you pay for your visa (which is $995)?  Moving your stuff overseas isn't cheap.  What will you do with it? 

You have such bigger fish to fry than if it's ok to wear leather and PVC (?!) in your wedding.  Not having even met yet, you really have major obstacles to overcome before you're ready to consider marriage. 

Not trying to be bitchy but you're not the first person to post here all very-swept-up-in-love-with-their-Englishman (who they haven't met yet) and you won't be the last.  If he's the right one, he will be no matter what but spend some time together first and then start making plans. 

First things first.  Meet.   

And I think the leather and PVC thing wouldn't go over well with a judge.  You need to show respect to the court.  It's not an S&M club. 

Does the state of New Jersey let you marry a UK citizen?  Where can I find info on how to get married and who to call to arrange appointments when the time comes? how to find out what i need to get married? How much, ect... for new jersey.

Also we do not want to get married in a token white dress or jeans.  can we wear anything we want in a courthouse where we are to be married?  We want to wear leather and PVC... Can we wear whatever we want in a courthouse in front of a judge that is marring us?

Yes, you can marry a UK Citizen in NJ. A UK Citizen does not need a special visa in order to get married in the US.  You can find out where to go to get your marriage license from a list here: http://www.weddingvendors.com/marriage-license-laws/united-states/new-jersey/ . There is no residency requirement, just a three-day waiting period.  The license will cost $28, and then there will be a separate fee to pay to the judge who marries you, which varies by judge.  You might also have an additional fee to request a certified copy of your marriage certificate, which is what you will need to apply for your spousal visa. 

You can wear whatever you want to a degree.  As an above poster said, you need to be dressed respectably as you are appearing in court if you are getting married by a judge.  Yes, you should have freedom of speech, which includes your wardrobe, but the judge also has the right to refuse to marry you. I would leave the PVC at home. Another option would be to have a friend get ordained online (it costs something like $15) and have them perform the ceremony so you can "get away" with as much non-mainstream things as you want.  Be careful going this route though, as some states do not recognize internet ordained ministers. 

I didn't want to wear traditional white for my wedding, either, so I'm wearing purple instead.  The purple fit my personality and Tim's much better than a white dress would.  If you really want to express yourself and a PVC dress is the way to go, then I would consider asking a friend to get ordained, or call and ask the judge if they would allow you to wear PVC.

Oh - have you though t about going to Atlantic City to get married? A wedding chapel would probably allow you to wear whatever you wanted, and I'm pretty sure there is at least *one* in Atlantic City. 

I second pretty much everything Kristi said about waiting a bit. I know it's tempting to try and plan things out well ahead of time, but there's so many bigger things to sort out before you should even think about tying the knot (i.e. meeting face to face, visiting the UK, etc). You should definitely visit the UK at least a couple times before committing to living your life over here, since it'd be a huge waste of time and money and effort to move over only to absolutely hate the country, and you really can't experience it until you actually visit. And ultimately, you still have to live with your spouse once the visa is sorted, so you need to make sure it's someone you'd commit yourself to under more 'normal' circumstances (I use normal for lack of a better term) since you don't want to go through a divorce after six months because he's an ars***** and you didn't take the time to figure it out.

Also like Kristi said, it sounds from your other posts that you're stuck in a bind in the US financially at least. It's tempting to want to run away from it all and start a new life with the white knight Englishman, but if you don't take the time to think things through you could put yourself into an even bigger mess.

Without strong ties to the US (i.e. employment, schooling, etc) you run a huge risk of being bounced if you go to the UK to visit, even if he's willing to pay for everything. Your energy might be better spent looking for work, or trying to go back to school if that'd help your chances of finding work--there's plenty of vocational schools that are fairly reasonable financially that can help you get into fairly high-demand professions (especially healthcare). Once you have a job or schooling, then it'd be wise to consider visiting the UK, and even if everything with your Englishman falls out, at least you're on the road to sorting yourself out in the US, irregardless of your relationship.

And yeah, I'm fairly certain a judge wouldn't appreciate PVC in his or her courtroom. Nobody says you have to wear a white dress or anything, but dressing appropriately is best if you're doing it before a judge since he doesn't technically *have* to marry you, but lke Becca said, you can also find other people who are ordained to perform the ceremony who can sort you guys out. But I'd really emphasize spending more time getting to know each other first--have him come visit, try to sort your situation out in NJ, and then look to visiting the UK if possible. As it stands now you might very well not get past immigration in London, and you'd be sent back to NJ without being able to see him since they'd figure you'd just never leave the UK--you have no job or school or other things to keep you in the US.

If US judges are anything like British judges they will probably be wearing PVC themselves, under their robes!!! 

Seriously, cyberpunk, I hope it all works out for you but try not to get toooooo carried away til you have met in person and know for sure this is what you want. Have you talked to him on the phone yet? How long have you been in contact with him?

Also, not sure how old you are but be aware you need to be at least 21 to apply for a spouse visa for the UK.

If US judges are anything like British judges they will probably be wearing PVC themselves, under their robes!!! 

LOL... like in Monty Python!

Hi....  

Thanks for all of your responses!  Well, yes I am 37...so I'm definitley over 21!! lol
Yeah, it's probably true about those British judges as they probably are wearing a tight
pvc thong underneath! lol

Anyway, seriously speaking, I have been talking to him for over two months now, going on three.

I know it sounds like I am getting carried away without meeting him, I know it sounds bad.

It's just I want to be prepared with my research if it all does work out in a year from now.  And since reasearch takes a long time, this is why I am thinking about it now...even before we even meet.  That's just the way I am when I like someone.  He's coming up at the end of December through the new year!  So if any of you couples are in the New Jersey/New York area, we should get together for New Years!  

Now, as far as my qualifications well I recently took a short course and got a certifiate for Microsoft Office Specialist.  I got my certificate a few months ago.  I know I haven't worked in a while, my last official full time work was in 1998 as a Dental Assistant.  I did do some Temp Work with a friend last year that lasted about a month or two.

Right now, I am on the Welfare program and 'Work First' has me putting in 30 hours a week of some sort of work activity.

So I volenteer at the front desk at an organization and the rest of the time is spent at the employment office looking for jobs, and my own online searching and networking.

The course I took was only 8 weeks and then I took the Microsoft Office Specialist test.  My work as a Dental Assistant years ago was a good job but I was NOT formally trained so I do not have an Xray licence.

I had my resume made up last month to show the new skills I have achieved with taking the course and have the volenteer work I am doing now down as well.  

So does that sound bad?  You mean to tell me that a person on welfare and unemployed at the moment will be turned down as a visitor to the UK?

A lot depends on the IO you get, it's possible that you'll be waved through with no trouble, but it's also possible that you'll have quite a hard time gaining entrance to the UK.  If you're unemployed the IO may suspect that you're hoping to find work in the UK.  Also, going to visit a boyfriend you've never met in person is a giant red flag.  Generally, UKY recommends that American women who are visiting boyfriends they met on the internet should have lots of proof of ties to the US, in the form of a job, a rental or mortgage agreement, student status, etc.  If you don't have proof of those ties, they may suspect that you just won't leave once you're admitted.  Also, you need to show you have sufficient funds to support yourself during your visit. 

On the plus side, your age is in your favour.  IOs tend to be more suspicious of the very young.

None of us can say with 100% certainty if you'd be turned away at the border, but your situation might cause an immigration officer to question you more closely if they discover you're unemployed. You have to show that you have strong ties to the US and that you'd be hard pressed to leave the US and overstay your visitor visa period. They would look for things like employment and schooling to show that you have strong financial and legal obligations to the US, since many people aren't going to give up good jobs or school that they've paid for to live illegally in the UK (not that it would never happen, but it's less likely in those cases). I'm not sure if a work program through the welfare office would be considered on the same level as regular employment, but you might very well run into problems at the border.

They might ask you at the border about things like employment and such--once you say you're unemployed, and coming to visit a BF, that might cause them to question you more closely since your circumstances might make them more suspicious of your motives--for them, they could possibly see someone in your shoes overstaying a visitor visa and just living in the UK once your 6 months is up since you wouldn't have anything really to go back to the US for.

But, like historyenne said, it really depends, and no one can say on here for certain which way an IO would go, but it's definitely something to consider before you spend a bunch of money on tickets for flights that you might end up wasting.

 First off, He is coming to see me first in december, and then another time in April 2010.  Then he will insist on me coming over to London for the first time.

I do have a lease in my name as I live in a studio apartment. I know I get my rent subsidized, but the lease is in my name. I have a checking account with very little money in it, under $50 but that is a tie to the USA. 

I don't know if the enrollment of that course I took is a tie or not as it was only a few months ago.

I would have a return flight ticket... since i am a visitor with no intentions on staying illigally.

My visit won't be planned until mid year 2010, since my UK BF will visit me the second time in April.

So if I got out of this unemployment and even got even a part time job, which I may still be partially relying on welfare benefit..to start me off.... is more of a tie to the US?


I have a lease in my name
I had current schooling
I would have already met him in the flesh by the time I go out ther
I have a checking account, just not much in there

Tell me what kinds of things the border looks for?


Glad you guys mentioned this to me, I had no idea about having ties to the US.

Things you could bring with you to prove your ties to the US are things like your lease since it's in your name, I believe. They'd also possibly like to see some sort of note from your employer, or a vacation slip that shows that you're due back to work at a certain date, things like that. The return ticket doesn't mean much since if someone really wants to live in the UK, they'll eat the cost of the other flight, so I'd look at the lease and any employment paperwork as stronger evidence. If at the time you fly out you're enrolled in school, you can use that paperwork as well to show that you've paid for your courses and are expected back at a certain date as well.

It's the same as the things your BF should think of bringing over with him to the US really, to prove he has strong ties to the UK. They may end up not asking you for anything and just letting you through, but it's best to be prepared just in case they pull you aside.

I think something else worth mentioning is to set your expectations accordingly.   From meeting to living with is a loooooong process.  It will cost you alot of money, time, effort, tears, and only when you learn how to move mountains does it all fall into place.  Prepare yourself for the long haul, for the tearful and heartwrenching goodbyes, for the late night, 5 hour long video chats on skype, for the petty arguments the two of you will have because of the stress, for the elation you feel on meeting once more, for the paperwork slog, for the hard decisions, and for the long hours you'll spend simply researching every step of the way.

Setting your expectations, especially since you are just now embarking down the road most of us know all too well, is (in my humble opinion) the single best thing you can do for yourself.  Because, I know for myelf at least, I began by thinking it will be easy as cake! And it wasn't.  But it's worth it if you make it to the other side of things.