Should I end the LD relationship ?

I've been in a long distance relationship with my UK bf for over 4 years --- but for the last 12 months I've been seriously considering ending our relationship.

He's so busy now -- working full time, school once a week, homework, and needing time to relax and watch TV ...

We used to email each other daily, talk for 10 hours a week on the phone, take turns visiting each other ---- but now... but now he's so busy.
He barely ever writes anymore, we talk 4 hours a week maybe, and I've visited him 3 times this year because he can't take off 2 weeks + from his job.
(I work for a school so I'm able to visit over the summer and holidays)

This relationship over the years has become more stressful for him -- the stress to commit and marry -- when I'm with him, when we talk, I'm sensing that he's losing that loving tenderness for me.

I used to think that all I wanted was to be together with him and married ... but the longer our relationship continues with distance, and the longer I remain in the USA, the more reasons I have to want to stay here where I am.

He feels like the only way we can be together is if I move -- because I'm more employable I could transition more easily - and in the future I want a traditional family, with him working and me taking care of the home, so he wants to continue working up in the ranks with his job. Also he's back in school, and it's so much cheaper in the UK.

I feel lost -- who can I talk to who understands except all of you ?

All I want is communication -- lots of it -- and he just can't give it with his schedule -- increasingly I want to stay here with my family and friends -- I don't want to let go of the man I've poured 4 years of love and tears into --

My heart is sad ---  I'd love to hear from your experiences, thank you!

Hi dear,


Long distance is hard, but I think what you need to do is address this all to him, even if its an email and tell him what you want and how you feel. Really that's all you can do in my opinion, if the distance is effecting your relationship with one another and you feel it yourself that maybe this lost its lusher than you have to be honest and move on. I think your post is very heartfelt, something you need to share with him... I say email because it puts everything out there without sounding like your whining (if that makes sense).

Hi Wings,

First, welcome to the forum. Second, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I was in an LDR for a year. It wasn't transcontinental, but Florida and New York are still kinda far apart, especially for a college student and a struggling film school grad. He had moved to NY to start his career. At first, we were in contact all the time - emails, AIM, phone calls, but gradually, it tapered off. The final straw came when I told him I was going to study abroad the coming semester. He said, "We didn't discuss this." I said that there was nothing to discuss. It wasn't like he was going to see me any less. What happened was that we simply learned how to live our lives without each other. Perhaps this is what has happened to you.

I know it is heartbreaking to end a relationship, especially one that you feel like you put a lot into. But please don't let the length of a relationship be a reason to continue with something that is broken or has fizzled out. You don't want to be in the same position another four years from now, saying "I don't want to let go of someone I've given eight years to."

Welcome. Both replies were good. I agree with Colleen on bringing everything you said up with your bf, email might be the best option..really pour it out. All you can do is lay it out there on the table.

A point love made about the learning to just live without each other statement i guess could hold some truth. It is scary hearing that, being as i am in a LDR now!! That is a big fear about distance. I guess if its meant to be it will no matter what.. or so they say.

So maybe lay it out there to him, have a serious conversation. Also maybe take some time to yourself to do some soul searching, figure out where you are and where you want to go. I wish the best for you.

This might be a harsh question Wings, but for what reasons, other than time invested, are you holding on? Since we know your doubts and reasons for doubts, I just believe it is also good to assess why you want to continue the relationship. Do you believe that the communication between you will improve if you/he moved over?

In my experiences, with both long distance and regular relationships, communication is absolutely crucial. Have you spoken to him in detail about your doubts? Has he spoken to you about his doubts? It sounds like to me he has some of his own. Since you two have been together for four years with trips back and forth, he might be wondering if the relationship is going anywhere and perhaps, might be cautious of investing more of himself. I am willing to bet that you have already at least partially brought this up to him since you have felt this way for a year now.

I wish I had the answers, but as the others have said, you'll need to have a serious talk with him. I know if can be difficult to even think about moving on from something you have deeply invested in, but you need to look for out for your happiness.

First of all, I'm sorry you are feeling so down. You have been doing the LDR for a while, much longer than I think I could have, and you certainly can't say you haven't tried. I admire you for sticking with it. However, I think if you did put things in perspective, upi might find that seeing each other 3 times per year and talking for 4 hours per week is still definitely keeping in touch. Many of us who have lived with LDR have had to deal with less contact than that. It's so much harder to keep those you love close to you when you have classes, work, and your own family and friends to attend to, as well. I know because I have been there. I was taking 4 graduate classes at once, plus working nearly full-time before I moved here to live with my (now) husband. There were many times when I wanted to be on Skype with him for hours, but had to cut it short after half an hour because I had several papers to write. It hurt to have to push him aside to do all of those things, but it was what I had to do. There were times when I was working a double shift and would race home in between the shifts (a 20 minute drive each way) to just see him for 15 minutes on the webcam. My DH (then boyfriend - fiancee) was working overtime to save money for the visa and the move and trying to find a place for us to live and all of that stuff. It was very stressful, exhausting, and heartbreaking for both of us at times. Schedules often conflict because of the time difference, which makes it difficult sometimes to spend as much time talking to the one you love.

I do agree that communication is extremely important in an LDR, otherwise someone may start to feel neglected (as you do now) and things can start to fall apart. Insecurity creeps in a lot in LDRs because you don't have the comfort and reassurance of daily contact and physical contact and all of that. I agree with the others that you should tell him the severity of what you are feeling right now. It sounds like what you need is a commitment or plans to move forward, because at the moment, things appear to be taking so long that you are getting frustrated, and I certainly don't blame you there. But if he is working, studying, and trying his best to move forward in his career for the reasons you said - so that you can be together and have the life you want, where he works and you stay home - then it may be understandable that he is so busy and trying so hard to do that, that he is missing the fundamental reason for doing it, if that makes sense. If he is doing all of this for you, then you must never forget that, and he should make sure you never fall by the wayside or feel neglected because of it. If you keep reminding each other that all you are working toward will pay off in the end by the two of you being together, then you can keep your relationship alive.

But it's really up to you where you go from here. If it's just taking too long and you feel yourself separating and starting to move on in your own life, then it may be best to end things. But if you talk to him and tell him exactly what you are feeling (as others said, an email or hand-written letter might be best so that you can be sure you are getting all your thoughts out there) then maybe there is a way to bring you closer together and back on the right track. Good luck either way.

Thanks everyone ---

I'm going to try and write a letter to him this evening --
I feel like we're in this circle where I tell him this isn't working when we don't communicate, and then he makes a good effort with his busy schedule, but then after a few weeks it slips back to having trouble finding time to talk and write again.

When I haven't heard from him in a few days I'll give him a call, but usually that annoys him because I've caught him in the middle of studying or at work, and he gets short with me. He doesn't like me calling randomly unless its an emergency. I just want to be able to call him and talk for a minute like I see so many of my friends are able to do.

I wonder sometimes about our differences, because I'm a sociable girl -- visiting friends, calling old buddies and keeping in touch with family --- but my bf doesn't keep good contact with friends from uni, and he doesn't visit with friends or extended family much unless someone arranges it all... so it's just hit me that he's like this across all his relationships... so why would I be the exception?

It's helpful to be in a relationship where each person balances the other out, but I don't think communication should be one of those things.

But to his credit, he was able to make me the exception for 3 years --

When I haven't heard from him in a few days I'll give him a call, but usually that annoys him because I've caught him in the middle of studying or at work, and he gets short with me. He doesn't like me calling randomly unless its an emergency. I just want to be able to call him and talk for a minute like I see so many of my friends are able to do.

Right, when I first read your post I thought to myself that no one can really tell you if you should break up with your boyfriend. Only you know the answer to that. Then I read the above statement and thought, 'break up with him'. This is ridiculous and juvenile. How are you supposed to know that you're interrupting him when you call? Why can you only talk to him when it's on his terms? You shouldn't be made to feel bad for calling the person you love.

This is ridiculous and juvenile. How are you supposed to know that you're interrupting him when you call? Why can you only talk to him when it's on his terms? You shouldn't be made to feel bad for calling the person you love.

While I do agree with Bmore_2_UK, I wouldn't go as far to say that you should break up with him. But I find it upsetting that he got short with you for calling. Was he not happy to hear from you? Perhaps, he was worried about a phone bill?

Thanks everyone ---

I just want to be able to call him and talk for a minute like I see so many of my friends are able to do.

I wonder sometimes about our differences, because I'm a sociable girl -- visiting friends, calling old buddies and keeping in touch with family --- but my bf doesn't keep good contact with friends from uni, and he doesn't visit with friends or extended family much unless someone arranges it all... so it's just hit me that he's like this across all his relationships... so why would I be the exception?

It's helpful to be in a relationship where each person balances the other out, but I don't think communication should be one of those things.

You should be able to call him, in my opinion. Even if it is a busy time for him, he should be able to call you back or at least allow for few moments to say "hello, I miss you. Are you doing well? etc, etc." As far as the differences between go, as Mindy said one on another forum about Good Relationships, something to the degree of 'you two don't have to be the same person, but you should have similar values'. Since he has said that he wants you to move over, are you willing to marry this person? It is your call, and a difficult one at that. Also, please keep us informed on what happens after you send him this letter.

When I haven't heard from him in a few days I'll give him a call, but usually that annoys him because I've caught him in the middle of studying or at work, and he gets short with me. He doesn't like me calling randomly unless its an emergency. I just want to be able to call him and talk for a minute like I see so many of my friends are able to do.

Wings,

You need to end things now, it's clear that he is putting a half hearted effort into your relationship. My BF (of 2.5 years LDR) and I speak at least 3 times a day by phone, email all day from work and then webcam a few nights a week at least even if it's him laying bed half asleep and while I am cooking my dinner. He calls me when out with friends so I can feel part of the party, we exchange loads of pics of our mutal friends, etc etc. I have even been known to have the cam in the kitchen whilst I cook just so he can see me. We always have a good laugh and things have ever waivered in the strength of our bond. I am not trying to make you feel bad and maybe we are an extreme but that is what is required when you are 5,000 miles away from each other. We have to over compensate for not having that physical connection of coming home and seeing your partner.

There is a saying that it very valid and please take hold of it "People do what is important to them" This is no reflection on you, this is him, please do not take what I am saying personal, I just hate to see you waste your time on someone who clearly has his focuses other place.

Not speaking for days?? This is a non-goer if you ask me. What would it take to simply send an email while he is working or studing "Hi Sweetie, just thinking of you" It's really that easy. Do you get what I am saying.

Don't hold on any longer, its not worth it. Let him go, if he truly loves you and wants to spend forever with you he will realise it and come back. If not, then you are better off and the person you are meant to be with will appear when you least expect it.

Sorry for being so forward but you need to look after you.

Hugs

CMG x

Wings,

You need to end things now, it's clear that he is putting a half hearted effort into your relationship. My BF (of 2.5 years LDR) and I speak at least 3 times a day by phone, email all day from work and then webcam a few nights a week at least even if it's him laying bed half asleep and while I am cooking my dinner. He calls me when out with friends so I can feel part of the party, we exchange loads of pics of our mutal friends, etc etc. I have even been known to have the cam in the kitchen whilst I cook just so he can see me. We always have a good laugh and things have ever waivered in the strength of our bond. I am not trying to make you feel bad and maybe we are an extreme but that is what is required when you are 5,000 miles away from each other. We have to over compensate for not having that physical connection of coming home and seeing your partner.

There is a saying that it very valid and please take hold of it "People do what is important to them" This is no reflection on you, this is him, please do not take what I am saying personal, I just hate to see you waste your time on someone who clearly has his focuses other place.

Not speaking for days?? This is a non-goer if you ask me. What would it take to simply send an email while he is working or studing "Hi Sweetie, just thinking of you" It's really that easy. Do you get what I am saying.

Don't hold on any longer, its not worth it. Let him go, if he truly loves you and wants to spend forever with you he will realise it and come back. If not, then you are better off and the person you are meant to be with will appear when you least expect it.

Sorry for being so forward but you need to look after you.

Hugs

CMG x

It's sort of unfair to compare one relationship to another.  When I was still in the US, my BF and I would each send one e-mail a day to each other (most days, not always) and we would talk on the phone about 20-30 minutes (most days, not always).  That was perfect for us.  He was busy working, going to uni, and raising an 8 year old boy on his own.  I was busy working and trying to get into grad school.  Every relationship is different and what is important to people is different.

To the OP.  The best I can say is to tell him how you feel and take it from there.  I hope you find happiness with whatever the outcome is.  Your happiness is what is the priority.

It's sort of unfair to compare one relationship to another.  When I was still in the US, my BF and I would each send one e-mail a day to each other (most days, not always) and we would talk on the phone about 20-30 minutes (most days, not always).  That was perfect for us.  He was busy working, going to uni, and raising an 8 year old boy on his own.  I was busy working and trying to get into grad school.  Every relationship is different and what is important to people is different.

My intention was not to compare but to emphasis that communication on both sides is critical to success, it cannot be one sided and this is what the OP sitution appears to be from her post.

I do apologise, if I offended anyone. But I did also state that maybe our methods would seem extreme to others.

My BF also has two very energetic boys 12 + 9 and when he is with them, we all speak on speaker phone so everyone is included in the conversation.

CMG x

Lot of good feedback and things to consider here. I guess so far i have been one of those lucky LDR couples with constant communication. I did read it was like that for you once upon a time, and has changed. You are doing the best thing by writing him. Important thing to note is you do not have to make a decision this second.

It is important to note that yes every relationship is different, what works for one couple may not be ideal to the next. It ultimately comes to what is good for you, what you want, need and can take. If hes not willing to hear you out and attempt to meet you in the middle then you need to take a step back and access your situation. Maybe you two need to talk about some concrete steps for your future together...set a goal to end the distance if possible.

i know me personally i need the communication, specially being 3600 miles away from my gf. So far i have been lucky to have lot of communication. We are both in school and working, yet manage to talk all day pretty much whether its email or phone. Will that last? i dont know but hope so. Not being able to talk for a few days would be very hard for me, for i dont see it being hard to write at least an email daily(takes 2 seconds). In fact i cant wait to hear from my gf or to write her, even when shes sound asleep. i do not like how he got angry at you calling him. Is that an all the time deal or once? I can see that not making u feel wanted, specially when you were use to things being different not so long ago.

Only you can answer this question, bring it up see how he responds..determine where you are and where you are going, take a step back if you have to! dont rush into anything unless your 100percent sure. Your needs should be met too!

Amen Syntax30 - Nice to hear from a Male perspective as well. I agree, that it takes two seconds to type an email. My BF and I always have an email waiting for each other when we wake up

Taking a step back is exactly what she should do, it will make or break the situtation.

CMG
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