Going on monday and worried about my mother

I would never have been allowed to just fly off to meet a strange man.

See, and I don't see how anyone over the age of 18 needs permission to go wherever they want...even if they do still live with their parents. As far as I was concerned when I was 19, the only thing I needed to do was inform my mom that I was going away for a weekend/week/whatever and would call her when I got there.  Even if it was an international trip (and I made a lot of trips to Canada when I was in college). 

Controlling should not be confused with caring.  Neither of us know her family but what you see as a big ball of love, I see as being a bit crazy.


This isn't about the family versus the guy.   This is about the family versus the freedom to live her life as an adult.

I agree with Sara. Caring is voicing their concern over the trip, making sure the OP has back-up plans,  or wanting to know the OP's itinerary...controlling is keeping her from goin g on her trip.  They had plenty of time to voice their concerns and try to convince the OP not to go before she bought her ticket.  In the end, as an adult, the descision to go should have been the OP's alone and her parents should have respected her choice.  Now she's out the money for the ticket AND they've taken her passport hostage. 

See, and I don't see how anyone over the age of 18 needs permission to go wherever they want...even if they do still live with their parents. As far as I was concerned when I was 19, the only thing I needed to do was inform my mom that I was going away for a weekend/week/whatever and would call her when I got there.  Even if it was an international trip (and I made a lot of trips to Canada when I was in college). 
 

It wasn't so much their permission.. just that I was living at home and there ARE rules when still living at home. It does involve taking into account your parents' feelings and concerns. Now, if I had been adamant about going off on my own, they may have let me go in the end... but my parents generally have my best interests at heart and if they had a bad feeling about something like this (going off to another country for 3 weeks to meet a man I'd only spoken to online at age 19) then maybe they know something I don't in their extra 25 years' experience on mine. As I said before, if someone wants complete autonomy (which includes all the fun stuff like being responsible for bills and getting dinner made and taking care of your car problems, etc etc etc....) then they should move out to their own place where the only one who makes the rules is themselves. Being an adult by the age number on your drivers license does not always equate to actually being able to act like one.

It wasn't so much their permission.. just that I was living at home and there ARE rules when still living at home. It does involve taking into account your parents' feelings and concerns. Now, if I had been adamant about going off on my own, they may have let me go in the end... but my parents generally have my best interests at heart and if they had a bad feeling about something like this (going off to another country for 3 weeks to meet a man I'd only spoken to online at age 19) then maybe they know something I don't in their extra 25 years' experience on mine.

With me, my parents wouldn't tell me I couldn't do something, but they would discuss with me why they think something would be a bad idea and how they would feel if I did it. It wouldn't be a case of 'letting me go' somewhere though - if I wanted to go, I would go, but they would make their feelings known if it was really something they thought was a bad idea. Luckily for them though, I never actually tried to do anything that they really thought was a bad idea and I agreed with their opinions most of the time .

My dad is a bit more quick to judge, but my mum is usually happy to let us live our lives how we wish and let us make our own mistakes: when I decided to move to the US as a grad student, she supported my decision... and I didn't find out until 8 months after I moved that she didn't really want me to go in the first place - she didn't tell me until after I'd decided for myself that I wanted to move back to the UK... because she didn't want her feelings getting in the way of me living my life. Had I known how much she'd miss me and how she wished I wasn't moving 5,000 miles away, I might not have moved, especially as I was having a few second thoughts before I left and the moment I arrived, I knew I'd made the wrong decision .

I have been reading all of your replies and doing a lot of thinking about the passport issue. I agree that it is time for me to stand up to my parents. They have pushed the issue back and want to wait 'til after the holidays for further discussion.

Navie- The relationship between my mother and I has always been rocky. We do often get into debates when we do not agree on something. The problem is that it feels like she does not listen to my opinions. It's like she is saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, deal with it" to me. Also, she always did say, "You should follow your dreams if you have a plan, don't let anything get in the way of your dreams." Now I feel that she went back on this saying.

With me, my parents wouldn't tell me I couldn't do something, but they would discuss with me why they think something would be a bad idea and how they would feel if I did it. It wouldn't be a case of 'letting me go' somewhere though - if I wanted to go, I would go, but they would make their feelings known if it was really something they thought was a bad idea. Luckily for them though, I never actually tried to do anything that they really thought was a bad idea and I agreed with their opinions most of the time .

That was how I handled it with my 19-year-old daughter.  I made sure she had information on womens' shelters, so she could have somewhere to go quickly if things went sour.  My daughter was only traveling to CO, but I didn't want her to be without a Plan B if things went bad.  I am still very relieved that she didn't make the trip.  Because 19 is adulthood, "allow" or "permit" could not come into play.

If someone is at least 18 years old, and not declared legally incompetent (or otherwise has legal limits on travel), there is no allow on a parent's part.  While some young people would want to consider a parent's feelings, they are free to travel to any country willing to grant them entry.

I do hope Phantomrose is able to get the passport back from the relatives or report it stolen and get a new one sent somewhere else.