British Drinking Etiquette Question

What do I do when someone buys me drinks (rounds) that I don't want?

Background -

I can only tolerate small amounts of alcohol. If I drink more than a small amount, I feel like sh*te.  When I go to the pub, depending on how I am feeling, I usually a)have one alcoholic drink and nurse it al night 2) have an alcholic drink and follow it by a non-alcoholic one, or 2) only have non-alcoholic drinks.

DH and I recently started spending a lot of time at the pub with a friend of his. This guy likes to buy rounds without asking the other people if they want anything more to drink or what they want. For example, I could be sitting with a half-full glass in front of me. The next thing I know, he has gone to the bar and bought drinks for everyone and there's a second full glass in front of me, when I'm not even sure I want to finish the first drink.

Also, if he gets to the pub before us, he will have drinks for us already purchased and sitting on the table waiting for us.  This has happened when I had planned on not having any alcohol all night.


I feel guilty not drinking the drinks he has bought me because he is a very nice guy and has spent his hard-earned money on them and I know he is just trying to be nice.

On the other hand, I don’t want to end up making myself ill just  because I feel obligated to drink alcohol.

DH and his friends can handle a lot of alcohol so for them, having someone buy them more alcohol which is unexpected is a good thing.

I’m sorry if this sounds like a silly question, but I have never encountered this before. In the past, when other people bought rounds, they have always asked me if I would like a drink and if so, what did I want (so I could ask for something non-alcoholic) and  I do the same for them.

We are all adults, in our 30s and 40s

I think you need to decide which makes you feel worse: drinking something you don't want to drink, or the fact that this guy bought you something you don't want and didn't ask for. I also think you or your husband should explain to his friend that you don't want the drinks and though you appreciate the thought, you'd rather he didn't continue doing it.

Maybe you or your husband could just tell him your not a big drinker. I'm sure he wont take it personal and will probably not mind if he is wasting money on drinks for you that you don't want. Or just next time when he brings you a beer or what ever tell him "oh thanks but I think I'll be drinking coke or juice tonight."

Posted with Geeta 

Well, what can you do? I'd just politely tell him that you aren't much of a drinker and you would rather he didn't buy you drinks because you feel guilty when you can't drink them. I'm sure he will understand, and it will save him money, anyway. Either that, or just carry your drink to the toilet and flush it down when he isn't paying attention. LOL.

I have met a few men (serious pub lovers and beer lovers) who simply don't 'get' that some people don't want to drink. All you can do is politely discourage them from buying you drinks and smile nicely if they try to take the mick.

I think since this is going to be a situation that continues to happen it is worth trying to have a quiet chat with him. Simply let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness but that it would mean even more to you if he just got you a (fill in the blank, diet coke etc) whenever he had the desire to get a drink for you. It works well anyday. Say it with a smile...if he doesn't honour your wish after that then don't worry about not drinking something he gets you... a great option is if you have someone in your group who will happily drink any drink you don't want

I have met a few men (serious pub lovers and beer lovers) who simply don't 'get' that some people don't want to drink. All you can do is politely discourage them from buying you drinks and smile nicely if they try to take the mick.

If it were a stranger or someone I didn't know very well, I'd do this. However, for someone who's obviously a very close friend of the OP's husband, I think a more direct mick-taking approach is better. At least that's what I'd do if it were my husband's friend. Surely he's close enough to be able to handle the truth: "You bleepin' bleep - you know she doesn't drink much," for example.

I ran into this once...I was still quite hungover and NOT in the mood to drink and 6 of us went to dinner then out in Durham and I had to force a glass of red wine down at dinner...it was the DH's birthday.  Once we got out DH knew I was not going to drink so when asked what I wanted I got coke or water - yes I was given slack for this but I laughed and said I was not in the drinking mood...Easier to tell the friends oh boy I am only going to have 1 tonight or man I will save this and see if I feel like drinking but for now I will get a coke.  Later on just mention I realized I am not a big drinker...

funny part is I thought I drank more then most then I met and married an English man 

I just order half pints or linger on one drink for a really long time, means you aren't really buying rounds because they skip you. Overall I know going out I am going to buy at least one round even if I only have the one drink, I just think its a nice gesture when with friends.

My DH and I have a friend who did this the last time we were at the pub. He was buying a round and I told him I didn't want another pint and it appeared. He always does this, even when you tell him you don't want it. He'll even do this even when we're getting ready to leave, in the hopes we'll stay for another. At first I felt bad, but we decided that he's a grown man and if he's stupid enough to buy us another drink when we have repeatedly declined, well, then that's his fault. You definitely shouldn't feel obligated to drink it. 

This sounds like my sad little life in the UK, a very moderate drinker who would like nothing more than to get a nice hamburger and cream soda with her friends but is always at the bloody pub... sorry for rambling, but yes please speak up! Brits do seem a little confused about the moderate drinkers, the ones who don't drink enough to feed a fleet at the end of the war, but what can you do? I'm actually allergic- I start sneezing after a half pint. Generally I am asked if I'd like a pint and I sweetly say no thanks, which saves someone some money, or I just point to the warm beer I've been nursing for an hour. If someone insists or the message doesn't get through I sometimes pour my beer into my husband's glass. I really don't know about the etiquette on that come to think of it..

I can't drink any more because I get the worst migraine in the world after more than a couple.  I make that into a large jokey announcement as soon as I arrive and also watch for anyone going for rounds so I can make sure they're not getting me one or make sure it's a soft drink.  I've never had a problem, really.

Surely "etiquette" or good manners means being attentive to other peoples feelings and wishes. If someobody says they don't want another drink, then to buy them one and place it in front of them is oafish behaviour. Quite often people will force drinks on others to try to justify or excuse their own over-heavy drinking by making others complicit. Sometimes, though, you get (typically British) failures of communication, especially when a number of drinks have been taken. Person A says "Do you want another drink?". Person B says "No thanks". Person A thinks they really mean "I'd like another drink but I am worried about being obligated to buy another round because I can't really afford it", or "I'd like another drink but I don't want everyone to think I'm a drunk" so buys it for them anyway, and in so doing signals that there is no need to reciprocate or worry. So it could be misplaced generosity or kindness. Having said that, this sort of thing is one reason why I and my partner are happier just going out for a drink by ourselves.

I just order half pints or linger on one drink for a really long time, means you aren't really buying rounds because they skip you.

That's the problem though. He buys me another drink even before I've finished the first one, so I've got two drinks sitting in front of me, or buys me a drink even before I've showed up at the pub.

I don't have the opportunity to say no because I'm not asked.

The guy is a sweetheart and I agree with Tremula that it is misplaced generosity which is why I want to handle this in a good way.

DH and friends are big guys (at least twice my size) and they can drink loads and it doesn't seem to affect them at all.

When we get together with their wives and girlfriends, the wives/girlfriends often get pissed and behave like morons.

I agree that the British don't seem to understand the American concept of moderate drinking - you either teetotal or you drink as much as you possibly can.

I don't have the opportunity to say no because I'm not asked.

You don't have to wait to be asked, do you? Just tell him you don't want the drink. He's a friend, right? So why do you have to stand on ceremony?? I kind of don't understand the problem here.