Bit of a strange New Year's day.....

Ok I get it now. It's obbviously something that's been building up for a while. But I do think your MIL is being a tad over sensitive neverthless. People grow up,  move away and pursue their own lives. It's sad that he obviously doesn't feel as close to your husband & his family as he once did but it's probably to be expected, especially as he's living overseas.

Geez, I just re-read this, and it makes us sound awfully selfish. I thought it would be easy to explain in a post, but, apparently, not so much. Hopefully, this explains it better. If not, I'll delete the original post. Sorry!!!!!

Please don't delete! Apart from anything else, it makes a nonsense of everyone else's posts when people do this.

I think you've hit it, spot on. It wasn't so much about the food issue, per se, I reckon that was just the easiest thing to target, because it had just happened. I think it's just that feeling of....being overlooked or passed over as an after thought, when DH and his parents had thought that we would be higher up on the priority list. DH and his parents had helped DR  thru a lot of different situations while DR lived here, and DH also helped DR out a great deal when DR was going thru some hardtimes in the States the first time, when DR and his wife had moved to Virginia a couple of years ago. So, I think it's more of the feeling of...MiL feeling that DR was....maybe ungrateful or something.

Well, DH and I-between ourselves-didn't think it was that big of a deal, just not something that we would've done, in the same position. At the time it happened, it was-awkward, I guess.

We think we would've just eaten before, called and said that we were running late because we hadn't eaten, or, eaten while driving, or eaten afterwards,or,we would've called and said that we hadn't eaten yet, and could we bring something round for everyone else.

Yesterday, MiL pretty much said the same as I did, just.

MiL hadn't cooked for them, but, she had gotten some desserts in for when they were coming, but, nothing that special.

Essentially, it's been a string of DH's friend (I'll call him DR) I dunno, sort of changing in his personality/habits, over time, and not for the better. When we got engaged, DR said that he'd be DH's best man, move heaven and hell to get back here and be with us on the day, and when it came to it, he didn't. Then, he apologised for not coming, and said that he'd send us money for our wedding present, and he ended up buying and IPOD touch with the money he was supposed to send us.

Geez, I just re-read this, and it makes us sound awfully selfish. I thought it would be easy to explain in a post, but, apparently, not so much. Hopefully, this explains it better. If not, I'll delete the original post. Sorry!!!!!

This make much more sense then your original post. I can understand why MIL was upset now.

It makes more sense now, I can see how MIL was upset.  Like Shabanou said, it's been something that had been building up over time.

Now that you've explained it, it is kind of rude.  I understand though.  When I go home for a visit it just seems like everybody wants to see us and you have things you want to do anyway and it honestly just makes me really stressed.  It always seems like there aren't enough hours in the day and your time just isn't your own.  It's possible that they just didn't get a chance to eat, wanted to spend time with you and didn't think how it would look.  I'm sure that I've let people down or disappointed people just trying to make everyone happy when I've been in a similar situation.  I wouldn't hold it against them.

Ok I get it now. It's obbviously something that's been building up for a while. But I do think your MIL is being a tad over sensitive neverthless. People grow up,  move away and pursue their own lives. It's sad that he obviously doesn't feel as close to your husband & his family as he once did but it's probably to be expected, especially as he's living overseas.

Yeah, I know, she is being a bit too touchy on the subject, but, well...hmm, how to explain this. I reckon it's just like she feels like someone else that they held in importance has left them, again.

DH said that there had been a big fall out within their family many years ago, and so now none of the other family members come round at all. They've sent Christmas cards, but, no visits.

DH doesn't have any other friends at all, only DR, so I suppose they feel bad for DH, mainly. I didn't want to say too much, because they're my "married-into family", not my biological family, so, it felt odd to say all of the other bits, but, I suppose I should've to make things more clear.

Now that you've explained it, it is kind of rude.  I understand though.  When I go home for a visit it just seems like everybody wants to see us and you have things you want to do anyway and it honestly just makes me really stressed.  It always seems like there aren't enough hours in the day and your time just isn't your own.  It's possible that they just didn't get a chance to eat, wanted to spend time with you and didn't think how it would look.  I'm sure that I've let people down or disappointed people just trying to make everyone happy when I've been in a similar situation.  I wouldn't hold it against them.

this. you can spend your whole vacation seeing everyone who you have to see or who your family thinks you have to see. My MIL used to set up all these visits for us when we went to Sweden. It was so frustrating. Not that this is the case here but just pointing out another side to balance out the ill will equation. Maybe they got food so they could spend more time with you guys and it has nothing to do with being insensitive. They shouldn't expect you guys to feed them. I still don't see the problem with that.

They shouldn't expect you guys to feed them. I still don't see the problem with that.

I'm thinking the main problem is feeling so low on the priority list of people they were visiting and the food thing was maybe the icing on the cake so to speak where MIL was concerned?

Anyway, I know it's going to be hard when I visit the US for the first time since we've been married.  So many people to see and most likely no car is going to make some people feel lower on the priority list, since we will prob be at the mercy of public transportation.  (Plus a cousin in Chicago and parents in Florida are most likely going to require two separate visits!)

Sorry, I'm going to be the lone voice, but I really can't make sense of why any of this would be taken as rude or offensive.

You say this is your husband's best friend? I would never think twice about taking food over to eat at a close friend's or think twice if they did the same. Maybe they don't like eating while driving or in the car? Perhaps they didn't offer to get you something because they assumed you would have already eaten?

I just think it's a strange thing to get upset about, and feel sorry for the couple. They've not intentionally tried to offend anyone, but it seems to have become quite a big deal.

I also don't really see a problem with what the couple did. My first assumption when I read the initial post was that they knew if they stopped to eat before they came, they would end up missing the TV show they were joining you to watch.  It sounds like they were just really rushed to fit in seeing so many friends and tried their hardest to get to you without keeping you waiting or putting anyone out for a late meal when everyone else had already eaten. 

This said, I can see why your MIL would have been disappointed with their visit, as it sounds like it was intended to be a short and informal visit and that she perhaps expected something more than just stopping by and watching TV. 

*sigh* sorry, everyone. i shouldn't have posted it in the first place, i guess. maybe we're just an over-sensitive lot. i would delete it all, but, another poster said it wouldn't be right to do that. sorry.

Huh? You posted to get people's opinions right? Some people having a different opinion doesn't mean you shouldn't have posted it.
 

Huh? You posted to get people's opinions right? Some people having a different opinion doesn't mean you shouldn't have posted it.
 

I just meant that I didn't mean to cause so much confusion and all. I thought I could work out the fine details properly, so that it could all be understood. But, it didn't work out that way. My fault.

I just meant that I didn't mean to cause so much confusion and all. I thought I could work out the fine details properly, so that it could all be understood. But, it didn't work out that way. My fault.

I think you did make yourself much clearer in the end, abbygirl.  And there were a few who agreed with you or at least could understand where you and your MIL were coming from, so to speak.

abbygirl - You needed a vent and I have come to realize this forum helps vent when some will understand and some won't...

Its great just to get it out there and it helps put things in perspective ;-)

Thanks everyone for letting me vent, as Zoyabean and Andee said. I've just put it down to my MiL being of a different generation, and so a different way of thinking. It happens a lot, every day, and I'm eternally confused. There's always a reason in her eyes, to panic, or myther, where DH and myself don't see one. It's a funny little life, isn't it?