funeral protocol

The father of a friend of mine died last week. When she mentioned that his funeral would be this Monday I told her I would come. She seemed fine with that. But when I mentioned it to a mutual friend and suggested we drive together, she said she didn't feel right about going to his funeral. She didn't know the father and it seemed wrong to show up while the family is grieving, a very personal thing.

In the U.S. I think it's pretty common to go to the funeral of a friend's relative, to show support. You wouldn't go up the the coffin and you'd maybe sit near the back. So maybe this is one of those cultural misjudgments. I wish I'd asked around first before saying I'd go.

So now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be seen as a rubber-necker. On the other hand, I don't want to shrug it off, after I said I'd come. And I don't want to make this into a big drama when my friend is going through a hard time. She has enough to think about!

Has anyone been through something like this?

I'm not sure how they do it in England either. Is there a viewing that is separate from the funeral? If I were in the US and this happened, I would go to the viewing, but not the funeral...unless it was a very close friend and I knew the deceased.

If somebody knew the person who had died, either socially or worked with them, or is friends with a family member, generally it would not only be OK to go to the funeral, in fact the family would regard it as a kindness that they showed support. Unless the family made it clear that close family only were wanted, which is not the general custom. I expect your friend will be glad of your support at this time. Don't hold back. Bereaved people can often feel very isolated because folks are afraid to say anything or show sympathy.

My father-in-law died in the autumn and we were all touched at how many of DH's friends came to the funeral, even if they hadn't really known my FIL. Some people do feel that funerals ought to be private - I have a good friend in the US who feels that way - but I think most people would like to have the support of others.

Thanks so much for your replies. It helps me put it into perspective!

At my last job, we had a sort of 'rota' of taking turns to attend and show support at the funerals of bereaved team members.

Some people are weird about funerals.  I've found since moving here that it is different than where I grew up.  There it's pretty much expected that you go if you know a family member or the deceased.  Here it's much more of a personal decision of whether or not you go. 
A friend at work lost his Dad last year and my husband and I went.  There were lots of other people there who knew him and his children but I was the only person from work.  People at work all said that they were glad I went and wanted to hear about it but all expressed that they wouldn't have felt comfortable going themselves.  I guess going to funerals is just no big deal to me. In fact in my hometown the funeral homes have boards outside with the names and pictures of upcoming funerals just so everyone knows when it is and doesn't have to bother the family.  To me going to funerals is a way of showing your respect and acknowledging a family's grief but if people didn't grow up in a culture where it was routine they might not feel as comfortable. 
I've been quite surprised at my in-laws and husband's decisions not to go to funerals of people that I would expect them to go to.  And when my husband's great aunt, then an uncle and later his grandfather died arrangements were made that pointedly didn't include me.  I was kind of hurt by it but they really didn't understand why I would be so I let it go all three times.
If I were you and wanted to go I would go.  I'm sure it will be appreciated. 

You said your friend seemed ok with you attending the funeral  so I would be guided by that. I am sure she will appreciate the support.  If there is a family gathering afterwards you may want to leave after a short time, if it seems like your presence is intrusive - just play it by ear.  I don't think there is any hard and fast rule in this type of situation.  Years ago I went to the funeral of a friend of my then bf. I had actually only met him a couple of times but I really went to support for my bf and other friends.  Afterwards, his mother invited everyone back to their home and those that had been close to the guy that died went into his bedroom and spent some time together in there and the rest of us stayed in another room.

It's not common in the UK to have an open-casket at the funeral, in fact I've never known it, and when my parents died it wasn't mentioned by the undertakers, they did ask if we wanted a viewing at the funeral home the day before but we didn't - I think this is what you get if anything but again it's not common.
I'd be with your friend, not to the funeral of the father of a friend of a friend. My best friend didn't attend either of my parents funerals and I wouldn't have expected him to.

I went to a funeral of someone I didn't know in the UK, to show support for DH, who did know him, and I felt very uncomfortable seeing the grieving family and knowing that this person's death would have hardly any impact on my life. It made me feel insincere.

If a family member of mine died, I wouldn't expect anyone other than friends and relatives to be at the funeral. I wouldn't be offended if other people came, but I wouldn't expect it

knowing that this person's death would have hardly any impact on my life. It made me feel insincere.

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but it's "not about you", it's about supporting and showing solidarity with the bereaved. You don't have to know someone very well to feel sympathy and want to show it. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. When my mother died the lady from next door came to her funeral, and she hardly knew her, and my father was very moved that she had thought to come, and thanked her.

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but it's "not about you", it's about supporting and showing solidarity with the bereaved. You don't have to know someone very well to feel sympathy and want to show it. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. When my mother died the lady from next door came to her funeral, and she hardly knew her, and my father was very moved that she had thought to come, and thanked her.

It depends on the person.  When the rabbi at my grandmother's funeral mis-stated her name, it bothered me that he didn't know her well enough to know her correct name, even though I knew he was doing his best to be helpful.

Then again, in general I am the type of person that would feel better with the support of a few very close friends than with that of many acquaintances, or even strangers. At a funeral of a loved one, I would want to be surrounded by people with whom I could talk about the deceased.  I don't care about filling seats.

You are right that it's about the living. For me, that means having the opportunity to share you thoughts about and experiences with the deceased.

Either way, I would want someone come to a funeral to express their true feelings, not because thef felt oblligated to.

I went to the funeral yesterday. It was pretty low key and I was able to slot in quietly. I was glad I went in the end. I think my friend really appreciated my being there.

Thanks for all your helpful replies!

Cool, glad it worked out ok.

Glad everything went well.