How do you cope so far from family?

My husband and I are considering going to live in London (he's from there) and I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing because I'm so close to my family and I'm honestly not sure how I would do without living so close to them for the rest of my life!    I LOVE England and I've spent alot of time especially in London, and I get along with my in-laws really well, but it's just not the same.  I don't live in the same city as my parents, but we live 1 hour away by plane and 5 hours away by car, and one of my sisters lives here in Austin with me, so I'm worried how I would react to not being able to see them when I want to.  How do you guys cope? 

Thanks!

I dont have a problem coping, because i've never been emotionally or geographically close to my parents / family since i left home at 17 (I'm 40 now).
We talk on the phone every 6-8 weeks, and email a couple of times a month.  They know Im safe and well and like my life over here, so that's really enough for us.

I would imagine that most people are not like this, though, so im sure someone will be able to offer you some advice.

I come from a really close family, too.  They all live in the same state and the furthest we were apart was when I moved to western NC for college when they all live in eastern NC!

I talk to my mom maybe twice a week and my grandparents once a week.  My brother is impossible to track down, so I usually talk to him once or twice a month.

There's also email....that's mostly how I keep in touch with my stepdad and stepbro since they're not usually home when I talk to my mom.

Other than that, there's the occasional package...it was really difficult at first, but it does get easier!  I used to be so sad after talking to my family (especially my grandparents!), but that eased with time. 

DH and I have an account at snapfish.com and we put our pictures up there so my family can see our house, etc.  My mom especially really enjoys seeing our garden and such since she hasn't been over to visit yet.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as close to my family! lol  They can be a right pain in the butt, but I do love them.  I know once I'm away from them, I'd miss them like mad!  Especially the little ones.  Unfortunatly my sister and my mom are drama queens, so if I had a child in England, they would be so dramatic about the whole thing and probably make me feel very sad for having a child so far away from them. 

I'm just so torn! But it's not like I have to make this decision in the next month or anything!  I know if we go, we're still here for a good 6 to 12 months.  I know my husband misses his family in England, but I think it's a little bit different for men.  I tried asking him how it felt once, but he doesn't really talk about his feelings, which is okay I guess.  I know if and when we move, he'll be very supportive because he knows how close we all are. :\\\'(

I dont have a problem coping, because i've never been emotionally or geographically close to my parents / family since i left home at 17 (I'm 40 now).
We talk on the phone every 6-8 weeks, and email a couple of times a month.  They know Im safe and well and like my life over here, so that's really enough for us.

I would imagine that most people are not like this, though, so im sure someone will be able to offer you some advice.

Actually, Broxi, you're not alone.  Pretty much the same here and even when I was geographically close (prior to my moving here I lived 5 min. away from both my mother and sister) there was still little contact and no real emotional closeness. 

Mrs Fizz, I realise this doesn't really answer your question, but I hope there will be others who can give you some valuable insight.

I think it's the hardest part.  I grew up in a very close family and I've found that I've had to distance myself, almost make myself a colder person in order not to really miss them. 
It's very difficult being away from family in good times and in bad.  You miss out on births, weddings, birthday parties, children growing up, family jokes, illnesses, deaths, and funerals.  The hardest, hardest part is when something goes wrong-a death or an illness and you can't get there.  Can't just drive over and see for yourself that everything is okay.  And if you do get there, it's a big deal.  And you find yourself being the center of attention, when that'st the last thing you want. 
And like Jemima pointed out, there's now an obligation to go visit when you go on holiday.  And you sometimes find yourself lying about going other places so that you don't hurt people's feelings.  Plus what your UK friends see as an exotic US vacation is actually staying in your mother's spare room with three kids. 
Speaking of kids, there's the sort of guilt of taking your kids away from their family.  They won't see them grow up like they would if you lived nearer-and in my case my mother sees them for a couple weeks at a time every two years. 
It's hard to get home, the older your kids get-the fares are super expensive during the summer and 12 year olds pay full fares.
I don't want to sound like a complete downer, but for me this has been the hardest part, and I think sometimes we gloss over it and people who move over don't know what they're in for. 

Wow...that is an honest assessment on the issue.  I appreciate that very much.  That does sound very hard to deal with.  Also, I wonder if the longer I'm there, the less I'll see them.  AND, that does mean that having kids will be difficult any way we go with it.  If we have them here, my husbands family will suffer, and it will be expensive for us here to go there.  If we have them over there, then my family will suffer and it will still be expensive for us!!  I think I would TRY and go over every year, but as time goes on, and kids get older, that will probably mean, every couple of years, and I would like to think that my parents would come over once a year.  The only problem is my sisters, I KNOW would not be able to afford the airfare for them and  their families.  Gosh, it just keeps getting tougher to think about.   

It was really hard for me at first as I'm quite close to my mum (not at all to my dad and to be honest am quite happy to be on another continent.) But we talk on the phone about once a week and to be honest it's gotten MUCH easier as time has gone by. She even says "the world is getting smaller every day" whenever the subject comes up! The hardest bit is that she's 76, so I do worry about her. But hopefully this won't sound completely self-centered and selfish, I realized at some point while planning my move that life has to be lived according to what is right for you and makes you happiest. And being with my df and living in a place that I'm truly happy in is my trade off for leaving my family behind. I go home twice a year - at Christmas and in Spring or early Summer (though that's a rough one since airfares are so high then.)

I also set up a website and post not only a little journal but a ton of pictures - it's a nice way to keep in touch and my sister-in-law said when I saw her in June that she feels like she's in on my life by reading it.

Don't know if that helps - it's a tough one and something that is so different for every person....

Mindy raises a lot of points and in fact, I could have written most of her post myself.

My time here has been a roller coaster and there were big blocks of time when I did not cope well at all.  Unfortunately, I did have loved ones pass away back home and it was horrendous not being able to be there because of the constraints of small children, pregnancy, money and restraints due to my husband's start up company at the time.  I couldn't just hop on the next plane and go home.

Having said that, there's lots I love about England and now that we are repatriating, I'm feeling emotional about the sense of loss for England and everybody we love here.  I don't want to sound like a nay sayer because it's not all been doom and gloom.

The biggest advice I can give you if you do move is to keep in touch with an expat community like UKY.  I only found this site about a month ago and I feel that perhaps if I knew it were here during my low times, it would have helped tremendously to know that there were people to talk to who understand what it's like.

And, there are lots of people who move here and never look back.  It's very personal.

 

it's a tough one and something that is so different for every person....

Its definately a roller coaster being so far away from home.  I'm very close to my family too.  I haven't had the unfortunate experience of losing someone in the US while living in the UK, and neither of my brothers have children yet.  But, I definately know about missing out.  Right now, my husband and I are trying to figure out whether or not I can go to one of my best friend's weddings in October.   I'm also supposed to be IN my best friend's wedding next summer, and I'm just not sure if I can do it.  I'm trying to stay really positive about it if I can't get to the one in October. . . I mean, even if I was living home there would be a chance that I couldn't have gone, right?  What if someone else was getting married that same day and I had to miss one anyway?  I mean, stuff comes up no matter where you live.   It just sucks.

I think there are sacrifices in every relationship- its just for us expats there are more than usual.  Not that it makes it any easier to miss important events, but I just try to think about securing my own future than worrying about what I'm missing out on in the lives of others.  I mean in 10 years, will it matter if I missed a friend's wedding?  (btw-that's me trying desperately to be positive). 

AnneG- I don't think you sound selfish at all. . . we all deserve to be happy. 

But hopefully this won't sound completely self-centered and selfish, I realized at some point while planning my move that life has to be lived according to what is right for you and makes you happiest

I agree with this 100%.  I really do.  I'm the first person to say that you shouldn't live your life for other people.   And I think I have said it more than once on this board.    
And I'm also a person who found the move here fairly easy.  I've never had trouble with the food, the culture, driving, missing Taco Bell, I'm a great believer in just getting on with it. 
But, and it's a BIG but, I miss my family.  I miss being able to trade babysitting with my sisters, I hate having to spend every SINGLE Christmas with his family,  I missed going to barbeques and birthday dinners and I HATE not being in on the family gossip and jokes.  I hate the feeling that I'm not part of things and they're only being relayed to me.  Or that as much as e-mail and cheap phone calls should make it easier they still forget to tell me vital things-like illnesses or even deaths of older relatives. 
I'm not saying it's impossible.  Obviously it isn't, or I wouldn't still be here 15 years later.  But it's tough, and I think it's better to look at it head on and think about whether you'd be able to do it.  You've got to ask yourself how much you'd miss shopping with your Mom and Thanksgiving dinner and celebrations at favorite resturants and friends' weddings and class reunions.  Or whether it's something you can live without. 

That's all true...being happy.  I have a cousin who is a doctor in Seattle and he barely has any time to get over here!  In fact, his parents are the ones who go and visit regularly, he rarely even comes in to Texas.  I think the last time they were here, was probably 2 years ago, so even if you lived IN the same country, it can most definatly happen.  I have friends here in Austin from other states and they get to go home MAYBE once a year and that takes up all of their vacation time! 

My husband and I even considered moving to NYC a couple of times, but cancelled those thoughts because with two weeks vacation, how would we be able to visit both sets of parents??  It seems almost easier to be from a country where you get at least four weeks holiday!

I come from an in-between background. Although our family is emotionally close, we've seldom been geographically that way. But I knew the reaction to my moving out-of-country would still have them wondering if we'd lose touch. In fact, we're probably closer, because we make the effort.

I just met up with my brother and sister in Rome last month. (I have another brother who lives in Germany, but he couldn't make this trip.) I talk with my mom on the phone and am able to go visit mother/sibling(s) about once a year. They're all on email and we connect at least once a week. And it's more contact than we've had in the years prior when I lived in the US.

I know there's a comfort to having one's family almost in arm's reach. But when they aren't, there is more an effort to stay in touch. And these days it's quite easy. (Every time I call my mother she asks where I am because she thinks I surely am surprising her by being in the next room because the phone signal is so clear.)

You bring up a difficult scenario when babies/toddlers/children come into the picture. This does impact a close family situation and I can only hope you come up with a solution that doesn't tug your guilt strings too hard.

Along with Broxi, I've never been particularly close to relatives.  In fact, being there so far away from family was one of the biggest benefits    I imagine my perspective on England would've been a bit different had I pined to be back around parents and siblings.  Not an emotion I'm familiar with, but I imagine it could weigh on a person from time to time and color their perception of somewhere so far from 'home.'

Hmm.  With a lot of tears in the beginning, to be honest.   :\\\'(

But eventually...things changed.  And some for the better!  I still miss my family, but it's not the sharp pain it used to be.  And my sister and I have actually become quite good friends!  The further apart we are, the better we get along lol!

The hardest part was not seeing my brothers going from the beginning stages of adolescence...to now adults.     I've now got a brother in the Army, which strikes me as _so_ surreal, as sometimes it feels like only yesterday that I got out of Basic...

On the other hand...I'm now looking forward to my formerly um...anti-kitchen brother coming to visit for two months...and he's now trained as a chef!   

Oh yeah...that topic thing.    I guess that it's hard at first, and particularly hard at certain times...but then again, after awhile you get caught up living your own life.  Calls home become less of "Oh I miss you guys so much!"  (and small jealousies over what they've been doing that you can't do over here...) and more "Hi Mom!  Guess what I've been up to!" (and chatting like you would if you were only one state over).

Granted...it does take you awhile to get to that point.

wench
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