Feeling very obsolete

I couldn't think of a better place than the parenting forum to post this one.

My youngest turns 21 today. She's grown into a wonderful woman and I'm very proud of her. However since yesterday I have had this overwhelming feeling of impending uselessness that I just cannot shake.

I feel obsolete, past my sell-by date, like the pair of last year's shoes that you see on the shelf for a wonderful price and they fit great but still don't buy because they're out of fashion.

DH can't relate to this because he has no children and (not an insult) I'm not sure in my mind that any man can really relate to this feeling.

I'm going to have to call my mother later and cry on her shoulder. At least I can soften the same feelings I'm sure she has. "Mother, I can now not only sympathize, I can empathize as well. I love you."

It sounds like your are adjusting to changes in your role as a parent - that's OK!

I think that maybe if you could find a hobby or something to do that interests you, it might help you feel better about yourself and give you something new to talk to your daughter about, woman to woman. Maybe volunteering?

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/HomeAndCommunity/Gettinginvolvedinyourcommunity/Volunteering/DG_10029484

Or study?  
http://www.ucas.ac.uk/
http://www.prospects.ac.uk/cms/ShowPage/Home_page/Find_courses_and_research_gs/p!eefXfmd

You will definitely not feel obsolete then!

Sending you good wishes....

*edited for meaning

Oh hugs!    You're not obsolete!

I still need my mom and I'm 44 years old and an ocean away from her.  She just mailed me new shoes because I haven't bought any new ones in three years.

*edited for spelling

Thanks for the boost Tin! 

Believe me when I say that this feeling is unrelated to not being busy lol. I have a full time job (many days more than full time) as an accountant and am completing my ACCA exams. We're remodeling the house (work in progress) and we go to London about every third weekend to visit the MIL and keep her house going. Any busier and I'd have to give up sleeping.  

I've spent all morning looking at photos of my girls, watching old home movies of Christmases, birthdays, dance recitals, etc. In retrospect not the wisest thing to do.

We have a great relationship and I know she still needs me, it's just a different facet to our relationship that I have not been able to prepare myself for and it has hit me hard. She's my baby, will always be my baby, and nothing will change that whether's she's 10, 21 or 50.

I've spent all morning looking at photos of my girls, watching old home movies of Christmases, birthdays, dance recitals, etc. In retrospect not the wisest thing to do.

We have a great relationship and I know she still needs me, it's just a different facet to our relationship that I have not been able to prepare myself for and it has hit me hard. She's my baby, will always be my baby, and nothing will change that whether's she's 10, 21 or 50.

I hear you on the "watching old movies" thing!  I enjoy doing it with my kids on their birthdays but it always breaks my heart!  It's not that I don't love the people they are now (9 & 12).  They're just as interesting if not more so, and I love them even more.  It's about recognizing that I've lost forever that baby, toddler, preschooler, etc that I loved with all my heart. 

I can't relate to what you're feeling, Cherokee - because my boys are only 3 and 6. BUT - your post has inspired me to not feel so frustrated with them today. So thank you for that! 

Sorry you're feeling down. 

I don't know that it will help, but I'll reiterate what Tin said earlier.  I'm 30, and I still need my mom.  And I'm still close enough to 21 to remember vividly that I definitely still needed her at that age!  It's not the same kind of need that I had when I was 12, or 5, or an infant... but it was still really important.

I'm sure it's not an easy adjustment to make, but one thing you can perhaps look forward to is that, at this age, your daughter may occasionally start telling you "Mother, I can now not only sympathize, I can empathize as well. I love you."  And I know my own mother never gets tired of saying "I told you so!"

Tin said exactly what I was going to say! Never feel obsolete. I am 40 and still need my mom. She lives 6000 miles away and I miss her every day.

Big hugs!

We have a great relationship and I know she still needs me, it's just a different facet to our relationship that I have not been able to prepare myself for and it has hit me hard. She's my baby, will always be my baby, and nothing will change that whether's she's 10, 21 or 50.

It's great that you're busy, but give yourself time to adjust in the change in your relationship. It's OK to feel the way you are feeling! I am sorry to hear you are feeling low and maybe you can look at the reflections as a way to remind yourself of the good job you have done thus far. That's worth celebrating! You're going to be her mother, no matter what! 

I feel for you, and I am sure we will all feel this way one day! But hugs to ya! We all need our mother, my Mom and I don't always get along, but we are in contact every single day (if not more than once) and your daughter will always need you in one way or another! Keep your pecker up!!!

Man, if my mom had given up being my mom at 21, I'd have been in big trouble!  There's so much still to do...  hang in there.  She's still your baby.